Soft Like You
by Stalpankaka
Summary: My name is Santana Lopez. I live by two rules, and two rules only. 1, Don't get fat. 2, Don't let anyone know.
1. Chapter 1

Hi guys! I'm back! I have a longer and more explanatory A/N before chapter 1 which I also posted today so you should just be able to press_ 'next'_

**_Trigger warning_**: Disordered eating.

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**PROLOGUE**

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Hi. My name is Santana Lopez. I live by two rules, and two rules only.

_- Don't get fat._

_- Don't let anyone know._

I guess the first rule is really; _don't get fatter_. Or maybe it's _get thinner_, because I know I'm not fat-fat. I'm not as big as Mercedes or Zizes. But if I pinch right here... Feel that? That's fat. That's greasy, flabby, disgusting FAT! It has to go. I can't stop until it's gone. Because... if I feel right here. I love to touch myself right here. It's hard. Two mounds of just solid bone - my hipbones. They're my favorite part of this gross body. I want my whole body to feel like this. And that's why I can't stop. Not yet.

The second rule is the most important. Temporarily this rule could, if necessary, cancel out rule number 1. It's crucial that no one finds out. Ever! It's not safe. People care too much. If someone found out maybe they'd try to stop me, and I need to not stop. Not yet. Quinn knows, but that's different. Quinn helps. Quinn needs no one else to know just as much as I do. So we stick together and help each other out. Whatever it takes to keep it secret – lies, schemes, tricks – we know them all and we work them like pros. Keeping strangers oblivious is easier than stealing candy from children. Ultimately, it all comes down to not letting anyone close enough to see who you really are. No one knows the real me. Do you know what that is? That's power.

My stomach just growled. I love that sound. I love this feeling. Hunger. There's no other way to feel this clean. A million showers can't wash away the fat. Only hunger can. When my stomach growls like that; when it curls with emptiness - that's accomplishment. It feels good. It's better than sleep, better than love, better than… sex.

I remember sex. I never really liked it that much, so it's not that big of a sacrifice - at least not compared to what I would be risking. Other people touching me? Seeing me, you know, without clothes? I'm so afraid of what they would say behind my back. Boys talk, I learned that the hard way. I never again wanna hear about what I did, what I sounded like... What I looked like. Not until I'm perfect. When I'm perfect they can talk all they want, but I'm not there yet. Not yet.


	2. Chapter 2

_Okay here we are._ I'm so excited to be back! The only thing I have really is that it's Santana's POV for now and as the story progresses I will also introduce a Brittany's POV segment.

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**CHAPTER 1**

* * *

"Fabray!" I call down the hall. Some people turn their heads but when they see it's me they just turn their heads to stare back into their lockers. People know better then to question me in the halls of McKinley. Most of them are even afraid to make eye intact with me.

Quinn is talking to Finn. I don't understand why she always has to talk to him. I hate him. I hate everyone. People are so stupid, and it's honestly not worth the trouble to be around them. I don't need anyone other than Quinn in my life. We did a thing in class the other day where we were supposed to list things all humans need in their lives. Everyone listed love, affection and friends and _whatever_ at the top of the list. _Bullshit_. You can live a perfectly happy life without all that bothersome shit. Just look at me - I'm perfectly happy.

Quinn turns her head to me and nods me over but doesn't stop talking with Finn. Whatever. I jog up to them. Jogging burns more calories than walking. This is fact. My legs feel light today. I haven't eaten anything since breakfast yesterday and my legs still feel light. See, you don't even need food. I don't need food.

I'm excited for my run later. I always go for a run before school, then one after and then one more right before going to bed. Routine is nice. With a good routine it's easier to stay in control. There's no winging it when it comes to this. Everything needs to be perfectly planned or it can slip through your fingers quicker than you can say_ lardass. _

Speaking of plans... I need a plan for what I can eat later. Yesterday was a good day. I had decided I wasn't going to eat anything other then the egg I had in the morning. Then I got really busy which made it really easy. Today maybe I could have a piece of chicken. If I hurry home later I can be there before mom gets home and I can cook and eat it without her knowing. Then when she calls me down from my room because dinner is ready I'll just _"eat"_ in my room like I always do.

"What are you thinking about?" Quinn asks suddenly and I know she's talking to me now because her voice is less flirty and louder. Plus her hazel eyes are staring right at me. My lips curl up to smirk. She really does make it easy sometimes.

"Oh, just how the smell of Finn's failure is making me want to travel back to 1963 and switch places with Kennedy right before he was shot; just to be spared from this overwhelming odour." I make a disgusted face and bring my fingers up to under my nose like something really smells bad. Finn slams his locker shut but it's not like I flinch at his lame attempt of being intimating.

"Santana I'm right here." Finns shoots back and stares at me like he has some sort of a right to claim an apology. I don't do apologies.

"Yes, I see you! Your man boobs can be seen from space so it's really not necessary for you to announce your presence." I say calmly and flash him a bitchy smirk before turning around and walking in the opposite direction. I don't even know why I jogged over here in the first place. Quinn follows and sadly; so does Finn.

"Hey Quinn, wait up!" He calls after us even though he's only a couple of feet behind. Quinn hooks her arm in mine and then she slows down thus making me slow down with her. I sigh loudly. Finn walks around us and stops when he's right in front of Quinn so we can't even walk at all. Why does he need the whole world to slow down just because he wants to say something?

"I was wondering if, maybe, you wanna have dinner later?" He asks. "With me?" He adds. As if the first suggestion by itself wasn't horrendous enough. I roll my eyes but that doesn't wipe that crooked smile off his face. He looks like he just farted in an elevator; challenging to see if anyone around notices. You are a fart, Finn.

"Oh…" Quinn breathes after seconds of silence. Oh crap. She's caught of guard. Come on Quinn, you know better than to be caught of guard ever.

"She can't." I say casually and shrug.

"And why is that?" Finn snaps at me and tilts his head to look at me. He's snarky today. I would be impressed if I wasn't so utterly disgusted by his fat arms staring at me.

"Because first of all; she shouldn't want to. People should rather want to have wild sex on shattered glass than be caught dead with you, you chunky, chunky man. And in the off chance that she wouldn't mind wasting her time watching you stuff your face with bacon and lard; she still can't. She's having dinner at my house tonight." As I'm speaking I can feel Quinn getting upset with me, but by the end of my rant her body still relaxes in relief. Finn looks at me like he doesn't believe me and turns to Quinn for conformation. She's wearing her apologetic puppy eyes.

"I'm sorry, Finn. Maybe I can come over _after _dinner and we can watch a movie or something?" She offers and Finn is quick to smile again.

"Awesome." He beams and backs away. He's still turned to us when he disappears into the murmur of other students walking to class.

"I have no respect for you." I mutter and unhook my arm from Quinn's so I can cross them over my chest. Quinn doesn't just roll her eyes; she rolls her whole neck and sighs like she's getting sick of this. It's not my fault, Quinn. I'm getting sick of you going after Finn when you can have anyone you want.

"Why do you hate him anyways? Finn is sweet." She says with a little shrug.

"Oh my God, Quinn. Finn isn't sweet. He hasn't had a sweet thought in years and even if he got one; he would never get a chance to utter it because he would be too busy eating it." I retort and hold back another roll of my eyes. If I roll them anymore I'm gonna get dizzy. Quinn stops, and I mimic. We stare at each other for a while and it feels like a fight is coming on. Then maybe she realized I was right or maybe she remembered that if she fought with me she would have no one… either way her face softens.

"Thanks for covering for me." She murmurs. She's not smiling or anything but I know she's not mad anymore. I nod. Of course. She would have done the same for me.

"So do you really want me to come over later?" She asks coyly. I know Quinn likes to be at my house for dinner. In her family they always sit down and eat together. It's kind of hard to not eat when everyone can see you. My family is way too scattered to ever eat at the same table. My brother doesn't live at home anymore. He goes to Harvard so he lives in Massachusetts. He usually comes home for Christmas but last year he spent it with his girlfriend. My dad works all the time so he's usually never home. My mom works a lot too and when she's home she's more interested in that loser, Noah, who cleans our pool.

"You can come over if you want." I answer simply. She nods and a little tiny smile pulls at the corners of her mouth. It's getting less crowded in the hallway and I throw a glance at the time.

"What do you have now?" I ask and look around.

"Bio." She says and nods in the direction she needs to go.

"Spanish." I say even though she didn't ask back. Quinn and I don't have anything other than Cheerio's practice together.

"See you at lunch?" Her eyebrows lift a little as she asks and I know it means she already knows the answer. I give her a crooked smile.

"Of course."

* * *

Lunch time - obviously my least favorite part of the day. It complicates things. Everyone expects you to eat. You may think it's easy – just stay away from the cafeteria. I thought so too, but when you're never there people start to ask questions. I can't afford to have people asking questions. It's tricky. Even if you're there people may ask why you're not eating – and there can be no eating! School lasts way to long to have a way to get rid of anything you eat.

Some girls are so stupid. Throwing up in the bathroom after lunch? Really? Do they not know that Sue has the whole place bugged and monitored? I used to think it was just something she said but it's either that or she's got an army of ninja spies; because it takes about three seconds after a girl has emptied her guts in the girls' bathroom until she's called into Sue's office and then forced to go see Emma. Sue cares too much. She's dangerous because she makes you think she doesn't care at all and then it sneaks up on you. I can outsmart her though. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not the president. I seem to be the only one who's got shit right in this miserable stinking world…

To succeed you have to constantly find a balance between making an appearance in the cafeteria and not staying long enough for anyone to register that you have no interest in the food. I can handle it. I have my stone. It's silly really. My dad gave me a purple birth stone when I was twelve. I don't even know if it's a birth stone for my month. I just liked purple when I was twelve. I had just gotten an A on my calculus test and my dad was really proud of me so he bought it for me. I dunno, it gives me strength or some lame shit like that. Whatever. I just hold it in my hand when I'm in the cafeteria. It's probably just up in my head but it helps. Quinn helps too. Everything is easier when you're two. Where is Quinn anyways? She's late and I've been standing here alone like a loser for too long now.

"You're staring." Someone says; a girl voice. My eyes travel up. I wasn't staring at anyone. Lips smirking? Or is that just her smile? I can't tell. A hint of freckles and… woah, blue eyes much? They're… gorgeous. But why in the world would she be wearing a panda hat?

"At the apple. Are you hungry?" She asks me and tilts her head with a little smile. Who is this chick? I've never seen her before…

"I'm Brittany." She says like she could just read that I was wondering in my face or something. That's not good. People aren't supposed to know what I'm thinking.

"Santana…" I say hesitantly and narrow my eyes to look at her in suspicion. She must be new here because I can't remember ever seeing her face before and I know everyone at this school.

"You should buy the apple." She says and nods at it. Why is she trying to force me to eat? Can she read minds? I don't like this at all. I tighten my grip on my stone.

"I don't have any money." I lie and shrug. I'm good at lying. I have a lie for everything. Everyone here knows I'm rich. Everyone knows who my dad is and everyone knows that my family that lives in one of_ those _houses. But the _"I-don't-have-any-money-excuse_" is too good to let go off so I just pretend my dad and I had a fight and he cut me off. Simple. When Quinn can't drive me I even walk to school to make it more believable.

"Oh, I have money!" She exclaims and pulls a dollar out of her purse.

"No, seriously, I'm goo-" I try to protest but before I know it she's handed the bill to the lunch lady and made sure she got exactly the apple _she thought_ I was looking at. She holds it up to me. When I don't even attempt to grab it she shakes it at me.

"I'm allergic to apples." She says. I'm not sure if she really is or if she's just saying that because she wants me to save her from it.

"You shouldn't have wasted your money, then." I snort. Her happy face falls and her hand with the apple falls with it. Oh wow, she looks really broken. And shit, I actually give a crap.

"Thanks…" I say slowly and reach for the apple. My fingertips graze against her skin as I try to pry it out of her hands. She's warm. My hands are always cold. That's why I don't let anyone touch them, and I don't touch anyone with them. They're gross. The corners of her mouth shoot right back up in a wide grin and she willingly hands it over.

"You didn't have to do that…" I add; just because.

"It's okay. My dad gave me an extra dollar just in ca-"

"Lopez!" Quinn calls and completely cuts Bridget off. Her smile fades again. I see absolutely no reason in the world for this; but I really dislike when this girl isn't smiling. Quinn jogs over and I smirk because I know exactly why she does that.

"I really need your help with something." Quinn says like it's urgent. Bridget looks like she's actually worried. Why does she care? She doesn't even know us. Besides, she's really gonna complicate things if she tries to "help". Quinn is just acting and I know it. She's just pretending there's an emergency so we can leave the cafeteria with a valid excuse. She probably saw me talking to someone and thought I needed saving. I kind of did because of the apple.

"Sure thing." I wink at her before turning my eyes back to the new girl.

"Uhm, I have to go. But thanks, Bridget." I offer and gesture with my apple at her before twirling around to walk away.

"It's Brittany." She murmurs quietly. For a second I consider turning around to apologize for getting her name wrong but I'm not even sure if she meant for me to hear it, and then suddenly Quinn grabs my wrist and hurriedly leads me through the cafeteria towards the exit. In the empty hallway she lets go and we just walk aimlessly to wherever. We walk during every break. For one, if you keep moving; people are less likely to come up and talk to you. For two, it burns more calories.

"Why do you have an apple? Do you know how much sugar is in an apple?" Quinn asks me and looks at the fruit in my hand like it's evil. In a way it is.

"Calm yo tits, Fabray. I'm not eating it." I mutter and look around. There's a trash can in the corner and I hurl the apple away in that direction. It smacks against the wall before dropping into the bin. Quinn chuckles at the sound.

"Gross." She whispers and hooks her arm in mine.

"Yeah." I breathe and nod.

"Who were you talking to?" She asks me after a while.

"Some new girl." I say casually and shrug. Her name is _Brittany_ and she has blue eyes. That's it. That's all I know about her and yet she's taking up an awful lot of space in my head. Who just buys someone an apple? She just met me and I wasn't even nice to her. Why do I even care? I'm never nice to people because I don't want to be. So why does this bother me? That she might not like me now – it bothers me.

"She was pretty." Quinn breezes in a completely carefree manner.

"What are you? A lesbian?" I snap at, her but she just laughs at me.

"Yeah._ I'm_ the lesbian." She says sarcastically and I'm not even looking at her face but I know she's rolling her eyes at me.

"Whatever."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, hot stuff! **

I don't really have all that much to say yet. I know it's a serious matter being dealt with in this fic and that's why it's so important to me.

I love your response so far! All your reviews really make me smile! :D

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**CHAPTER 2**

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"Hi, I'm Brittany. I'm cute and sweet and considerate and buy apples for strangers for no reason." I say looking down at my right hand as I move it to look like a yapping mouth. I throw my voice a little but I don't really put an effort into it. I suck at impressions anyway.

"Hi, I'm Santana. Why don't you be nice to me so I can be a total jerk and make you feel like shit?" I say, this time staring at my left hand as it's conversing with the right. I hear the toilet flush and the faucet running so I drop my hands quickly. Quinn walks out of the bathroom.

"What are you muttering about?" She asks playfully with a hint of a smirk playing on her lips.

"I wasn't muttering." I say defensively and bend down to pick up my backpack.

"You done?" I ask carefully. Quinn nods and brings her hand up to wipe over her mouth. I think it's just a nervous tick because obviously she looked herself in the mirror before she stepped out so she knows there isn't any vomit left around her mouth.

Quinn has to sit through breakfast with her family so she usually comes over and picks me up for school so she can throw up in my bathroom without her parents knowing. The only days my parents are actually home in the morning are Sundays and we don't eat breakfast together anyway. I love that because I hate to throw up. I really hate it. I like it so much more to just not eat it in the first place. Vomit it gross, it smells bad and it tastes bad and it's bad for your teeth. Plus if anyone hears you retching you are fucked.

I feel bad for Quinn but at the same time it's nice that she picks me up so I don't have to walk to school. She slings one strap of her backpack over her shoulder and wipes the corner of her mouth again.

"Stop doing that." I command sternly. I'm not about to let Quinn give us away. She shoots me an apologetic look and nods. I take one last look in the mirror before we leave.

I hate this stupid Cheerio's outfit. It's nice because it means universal McKinley respect but everyone can see my fat in this. My legs are naked, my arms are naked and it's tight so everyone can see my stomach bulging. I suck my stomach in all the time. It was difficult to remember at first but now it's like second nature to me. To us. It's slimming plus it burns more calories; win-win.

"You coming or what?" Quinn calls; already out in the hallway and making her way to the front door. I grab my wallet and stuff it in my backpack before jogging through the house to catch up with her.

* * *

We pull up to the parking lot and she shuts the engine off.

"What do you have?" She asks me while unbuckling herself and twisting her body to reach for her bag in the backseat.

"History." I say simply and open the car door. I don't really know why we ask each other this because it's not like it matters. Guess it's nice to know where she is though, in case I'd need her.

"English." She says back and gets out of the car. I shut the front car door and open the back one to get my bag. We stand on either side of the car and look at each other over the car roof.

"Where do we meet after?" I ask as she presses the button on her key so the car makes a little bleeping noise as it locks. Quinn and I always meet after classes but now she's got a weird expression on her face.

"Oh… I just… Finn kind of wanted us to hang at break time today…" She says apologetically. Her jaw clenches and then she opens her mouth again.

"You can be with us if you want to but I know you don't-"

"Uhm, no thank you! I hereby pledge to never again go within five feet of that mountain, also known as Lumps the Clown." I interrupt and even put my hand up to make her shut up. I don't mean to be bitch to _her_; I just can't believe she's blowing me off for him. Finn is the very definition of loser and I'm supposed to be her best friend. It doesn't add up.

"Santana, he's my boyfriend!" She snaps but then her eyes go wide at the outburst. I can only imagine my eyes are equally wide because they sting a little when the wind hits them head on.

"He's your _what_ now?" I almost scream. This is a nightmare. This is too gross to be true.

"My… my boyfriend. We made it official last night. Don't you check facebook?" Her whole demeanour changes and now she looks kind of shy, or even embarrassed. I would be embarrassed too if I had to tell the world Finn was my boyfriend.

"Whatever. Your kids will be fat idiots." It's literally the worst insult ever, but I'm kind of freaking out inside and that's the best one I could think of. I turn around and walk quickly towards the school. My chest is heaving with rage and my fists are balled up. What the hell am I going to do now? Walk down the hallways alone while she's sucking face with her very own pig in a blanket? I don't even think she knows what she's getting herself into. Finn's gonna make her eat. There's no way you can be in a relationship with someone and not have them ask questions. Besides, I think just looking at Finn makes you absorb at least _two_ _thousand _calories. Fine, if she wants to fail; she can fail. I don't need her. I don't need anyone.

* * *

History sucks. School sucks, but I need to keep my grades up. I really want to go to a good college. I wanna be a business man just like my dad. Well, a business woman. He makes a lot of money and he's too busy to have time for people. He doesn't even have time for his own family. Imagine having that valid of an excuse to just be alone all the time. Besides, I don't know how many times I've skipped dinner with my mom and told her it was because I had to study. That would make no sense if I wasn't getting straight As.

At least I have a seat in the back so I can just stare at people when I get bored. Instead of being stared at, I mean. Everyone says that people don't look. That people don't care. That's bullshit. Like in the locker rooms for example; of course everyone is looking! Everyone is looking at everyone and you either judge, or envy. It is the same in a classroom, only worse. Everyone is bored in a classroom so they're desperately trying to find something entertaining to do. What's better than looking and passing judgement on other idiots?

The bell rings. Chairs scrape against the floor and books are slammed shut. I hurry to stuff everything in my backpack and head out. I have no idea where to go though. I guess I'll just keep moving and hope I don't see Quinn. Still my feet lead me to the English room and I internally curse when I see Finn wrapping his arm around Quinn and squishing her. That's right Finn; show everyone who she belongs to now. They have their backs turned to me so at least they don't see me.

Someone who does see me though is Brittany. She comes out of the English room long after the crowd has already streamed out of there and scattered around the hallway. She locks eyes with me for only a second and then she walks in the opposite direction. My shoulders sink. She doesn't like me. I knew she wouldn't like me after what happened yesterday. I should apologize. I don't even care. Yes, you do. No, I don't.

* * *

At least Spanish is easy. Spanish hour always goes by really quickly and before I know it it's lunch time. I shove my hand in my backpack and feel around. Great! Just fabulous! I forgot my stone at home. Plan B then. I unwrap a piece of gum and pop it in my mouth before making my way to the cafeteria. I sit down with a group of Cheerio's. They're supposed to be my friends. They're all being silly and loud and annoying. I try to focus on something else. I look around and try to see if I can spot her. At first my mind thinks I'm looking for Quinn but I pretty soon realize I'm actually looking for Brittany. She was here yesterday so why wouldn't she be here today?

"San, d'ya want the rest of my pie?" A particularly annoying girl asks me and snaps me back to reality. Honey, what are you even doing on the Cheerio's if you eat pie?

"In a minute." I say and dart my tongue out of my mouth to reveal the gum. "It still has flavour." I add and then go back to ignoring her. She slides the plate in front of me and I even pick up a spoon just to make everyone think I'm actually gonna eat that. I keep looking, as discretely as I can, to see if she's here. She wasn't wearing her panda hat today but her blonde hair should still give her away.

"Can we talk?" It's Quinn's voice. I hadn't even noticed she was standing right in front of me.

"A little busy with my friends here." I say casually and motion around the table. Some girls' faces light up at me calling them my friends. As if.

"Please?" Quinn pleads and tilts her head to the side. I look down at the pie in front of me and realize that if I sit here much longer it's gonna look weird if I don't eat it. I sigh loudly.

"Fine." I say and stand up. I spoon up a piece of the pie and put it in my mouth. I keep it there while walking with Quinn to the hallway but then, with a quick look around, I spit it out in a trashcan.

"Good one." She murmurs quietly.

"I'm awesome." I shrug. I can see her reaching to hook her arm in mine but then she remembers and pulls it back. Instead she starts walking and I do the same. We walk quietly for a while. I consider yelling at her and I consider walking away from her but somewhere it still feels kind of nice that she wants to talk to me and I would never ever admit it out loud but I do want to know what she has to say, so I bite my tongue.

"I'm still here you know." Quinn is still speaking quietly and when I glance in her direction I see that she's looking straight ahead.

"It's not the same." I shake my head even though she's can't see it. She can't pretend like she didn't just change everything. We had a routine. We had a way that worked for us and she just messed it up. Sudden changes aren't good. Big changes aren't good. This just… isn't good.

"I still need you." She exclaims with desperation in her voice. Oh, I get it. She wants to have the cake and eat it too.

"Then why are you with him?" I snap and even stop walking. She stops too and bites her lip; looking hesitant.

"I just want a normal life. As normal as it can be anyways." She sighs and rolls her eyes before looking at me with her big hazel eyes, begging for some sort of forgiveness.

"But why _him_?" I insist.

"I think… I'm in love with him." Suddenly she looks far away like she's day dreaming and as much as it disgusts me; I know she's telling the truth. I bite the inside of my cheek. Hard, until I can taste a hint of blood, all the while she's looking expectantly at me.

"Fine. It's your choice." I put my hands up defeat. I guess part time Quinn is better than no Quinn.

"It's not really though. We can't help who we fall in love with." She says with a little chuckle. One of those chuckles like it's not really funny; it's just so obvious that you laugh at someone else not seeing it. I roll my eyes because she's wrong.

"I can."

Quinn giggles and hooks her arm through mine. I guess we're friends again. There's still an unnerving feeling in my gut but I push it away. We walk in silence and I hear my stomach growling quietly. I close my eyes to fully enhoy it. It calms me.

"She's in my class." Quinn says suddenly. I frown.

"Who is?"

"That girl from the cafeteria you were talking to. She was in my Spanish yesterday and she was in both my morning classes." Quinn explains. She means Brittany. She can't be talking about anyone else. I narrow my eyes in suspicion. Why is Quinn telling me this?

"So?" I snort. Quinn shrugs.

"I dunno… she's kinda dumb." I feel Quinn shrug again as she says it.

"This world is dumb." I retort and roll my eyes.

* * *

I shift my weight from one foot to the other. I kick the wall lightly and then I lean against it while looking at the clock on the wall. The sweep-second moves incredibly slowly. I snuck out of class five minutes early and I worried that wouldn't be enough time? Time stands freakin' still. Why am I even here? Just because I know where to find her now doesn't mean I should find her. I should leave.

The bell rings and I peek around the corner and see the classroom door open. Quinn is one of the first people going out so I pull my body back and hide until I'm sure she won't be there. I think I waited too long because there's no longer a stream of people coming out of the door when I look again. They're all gone already and I don't see Brittany anywhere. My insides drop but then I get mad at myself because I don't even want to care this much.

Oh, wait, there she is! The teacher is patting her on the shoulder and she's smiling brightly. It's cute. She starts walking down the hallway carrying her books and she's wearing leg warmers on her arms. I didn't notice that before but it's also kind of cute. She comes closer and when she sees me I smile at her. She just walks past me. I think I even saw her smile fade. Crap, she really hates me.

"Hey, Brittany!" I call after her and start jogging. Good, Santana. Take every opportunity to jog. She doesn't slow down. In fact, she walks faster. I catch up anyways and keep the same pace to keep level with her.

"Actually it's Bridget." She says in a harsh tone. For a second I totally panic about getting her name wrong again. My head goes over everything and I realize that that's what I called her yesterday. She's snarky and I like it.

"No, it's not." I protest and shake my head sheepishly. She stops abruptly and turns to me.

"You're right, it's not." She says and I think her lips at least want to smile a little. We stand like that and look at each other. It's really my move and I try to think of a good reason why I would chase her down the hallway. I open my backpack and snatch my wallet from it.

"I wanted to give you this." I say and hold up a dollar to her, much like she held up the apple to me. She looks at it the same way I looked at her yesterday.

"A dollar?" She questions and frowns. I shake it at her and then I feel really stupid because that's what she did yesterday.

"For the apple." I clarify and attempt to stuff it in her hand. She doesn't take it. She pulls her hand away and takes a step back.

"You didn't like the apple." It's not even a question, it's a statement and it catches me off guard. I think she saw my eyes widen because she tilts her head challengingly.

"What? S-sure I did." I lie and shrug.

"But I saw you throw it away." She says. Her voice is different and now she doesn't seem so intimidating anymore. She just looks sad.

"Oh…" I breathe. If she saw it there is really no lie I can make up to fix it. I bite my lip and I can't even hear myself think because so much is going on in my head. She turns and takes a little step. It's really slow at first like she's waiting for me to stop her. Then her steps quicken and they're really fast all of a sudden.

"No, wait! Don't go!" I call after her desperately but then I catch people looking at me and glare at them before really charging after her. I run around and stop her by standing right in front of her. Then I want to stab myself because it reminds me so much of Finn.

"Were you like… following me yesterday?" I snap defensively but it sounds ridiculous because really – who's following who here?

"You dropped your thing." She says coyly and shrugs. My brows knit together.

"My thing?"

"The purple… thing. You dropped it and I was gonna give it back to you and I saw you throw the apple in the trash." She explains it quietly and she isn't really looking at me anymore. At least that explains why I didn't find my stone earlier.

"I'm sorry." I almost whisper. That word doesn't fit in my mouth. She nods and she's about to leave again. I think we have class soon but I need-

"Do you have my stone though? I kind of need it." I say quickly before she really leaves. My dignity can not take another second of me chasing after her. She grits and reveals her teeth in an apologetic look. If she threw it away I swear I will go all Lima Hei-

"I didn't bring it with me today." She says and she looks kind of nervous. "I can bring it tomorrow?"

"Okay…" I might be looking a little disappointed but I nod understandingly. I get ready to leave.

"Orrrrr…" She drags it out and looks even more bashful. "You can walk home with me after school and get it?" She suggests; speaking so quietly I can barely hear her and her face is filled with fear; fear of rejection. Let me think this over:

Pros: I get my stone today. I walk extra far. Quinn is probably gonna be with Finn anyways. It's gonna make her happy. I kind of want to.

Cons: …

"Okay, yeah, sure." I answer and shake my head just to shake off the surrealism of me agreeing to this.

"Which is your last class?" It's more a force of habit rather then genuine interest but her lips curl up to a smile.

"Spanish." She answers with a stern nod.

"Okay. I have chem. lab, so let's meet here after?"


	4. Chapter 4

How are we liking the frequency of the updates? They will morph into more often eventually but is this okay? :)

This is_ soooo_ gonna get old (because it already is but whateeeevs) - Thank you so much for your reviews, faves and alerts. Keep 'em coming (ooh sneaky, Mollie)

One last thing. I smell like ham. Please place information safely in carebox and proceed with reading the chapter.

* * *

**CHAPTER 3**

* * *

I'm late and I know it. It's not really my fault though. When Jewfro starts talking I just can't control myself. Whatever. At least I didn't get detention. I push through a group of people. There was lots of space to walk around them but they should all know better than to stand in my way when I'm in a hurry. I turn the corner and there she is.

Her shoulders are slumped but her fists are balled up tightly. Her eyes are flickering nervously from her feet to the door. She looks like she's deciding whether or not she's gonna leave. I'm only ten minutes late or something? She takes a step towards the door, turning her back to me, and then she stops herself and backs up against the wall. She shoots forward again but then stops after a couple of steps. She really can't make up her mind. She's so cute. I smile at her but with her back to me she can't see it. She definitely hasn't noticed me. She sighs and pushes the door open. At first I don't even realize she has actually left but then I'm quick to follow her.

"Brittany!" I call after her to gain her attention. She looks over her left shoulder so I jog up to her right side instead. Her head moves from side to side a couple of times and her face is scrunched up in confusion until she finally focuses her gaze on me. I almost hook my arm in hers. Force of habit. Luckily I stop myself and grab the straps on my backpack instead.

"I thought we were meeting in there?" I ask. It's mostly to tease her but she doesn't look amused.

"I didn't think you were gonna show…" She murmurs and kicks a rock. I offer an apologetic smile.

"Yeah, sorry." There's that word again. I cough the taste of it out of my mouth.

"My teacher wanted to talk to me after class." I explain. I'm not sure why but I do want her know that I have a valid excuse.

"Are you falling behind in class?" She asks curiously but quietly. She's so quiet it's almost hard to hear her as our shoes start to grind into the gravel when we start walking.

"What? No, I'm not stupid." I dismiss with a frown. Her face flinches and then she looks away. She doesn't say anything which makes me uncomfortable.

"Apparently I have an _"attitude_ _problem"_." I elaborate. Can't believe I'm sharing this info. It's bullshit first of all, and secondly, she doesn't need to know either way.

"What did you do?" I can't decide if she's intrigued or amused or surprised or not surprised at all. I put my hands up defensively.

"I may have called a certain boy for a soulless, freak of nature, ginger Jew… And I may or may not have taken it a little too far by mentioning Hitler…" I shrug as I say it and look away. Telling her this makes my cheeks heat up and I'm… nervous? … that she's not gonna… like me? Her next step is a little hesitant.

"Santana, that's mean."

I flinch as she says my name. I had forgotten she even knew it. It sounded nice though. I liked how she pronounced it. Just like everyone else I guess, but still like I could definitely determine her way of saying it from everyone else's. What should I say now? If I argue with her statement she might think I'm trying to justify Hitler which, despite my hate of people, isn't something I want to do.

Agreeing would mean admitting I was wrong and well…_ just no_. How did she make such a simple statement so complicated? I don't say anything and she doesn't either. We're on asphalt now so at least the echoing sounds of our silence aren't so loud. We approach a crossroads and I slow down to let her take the lead. She nods a little to the left and I turn.

"How far is it?" I ask and glance at her. We're walking really closely considering the sidewalk is so wide. With every step; my tight ponytail swings and hits her naked shoulder. It's good she's wearing those leg warmers on her arms because she doesn't' even have jacket and it's really cold out. I step away from her slightly just so my hair won't whip her. I tried to do it without her noticing but I think she did because she also takes a little step to the side.

"Maybe 20 minutes?"

It sounds like she's asking me. Like I would know? I accept it as an answer and nod. I don't mind walking. I don't even mind that my bag is heavy. That just burns more calories. It hurts my shoulders a little but whatever. So worth it. We keep walking in silence. Any attempts I make at small talk don't really lead anywhere. I think she's shy because sometimes she looks like she wants so say more but she's holding back. But I don't know. Maybe she still doesn't like me and just can't be bothered to make conversation with me.

After some turns; it looks like she doesn't even know where we're going. At times we walk closely but when I notice I move away again. I don't know how we end up so close again? We've even bumped together once. She giggled and I cleared my throat and she said sorry and then we kept walking. We're close again. Maybe we both have some sort of limp that makes us pull slightly to the side and if we were to change places maybe we'd be walking away from each other as oppose to closer. She stops suddenly and looks around curiously. She reads the street signs and furrows her brows.

"Do you even know where we're going?" I ask her sceptically. She's trying to hold down a smile as she shrugs.

"I got lost yesterday too…" She answers and scratches her shoulder insecurely. "My dad had to come pick me up."

I try to be upset with this but her playful smile is just too… cute. I smile back and she giggles a little. It's really contagious but I don't really giggle… ever. I'm just gonna listen to her do it. And watch how her shoulders shake slightly while she does. And how her hair slides into her face from the movement. She brushes it away and locks her eyes in mine.

"You have a really nice smile." She says suddenly. I realize how wide I'm grinning and how exposed my teeth are. And how she's really, really looking at me. My cheeks get really warm and my eyes widen. I quickly urge my smile away. I know my smile isn't nice. My teeth are fine but my lips are too large and when I smile big my cheeks become really round and I get wrinkles on my chin. It makes my face look fat.

"So what's the address?" I ask her instead and look down first one street and then twirl my whole body around to look down another. I think I know my way around this neighbourhood. She shrugs like she doesn't know but then her face brightens and she reaches in her pocket. She hands me a note. I open and read it. Oh. I recognize the address but it's much further than I thought.

"We've been walking in the wrong direction for the last fifteen minutes." I say and I think I sound more upset than I am. It's not a big deal. I mean more walking means more calories burned. Every second away from home is a second away from food. And somehow, despite having been mostly quiet, I'm having a nice time.

"I'm sorry. I don't know this town yet." Her bottom lip pouts out and her eyebrows lift a little. She tilts her head down sadly and looks up at me with huge puppy eyes. It hits me again how blue her eyes are. She's really, really cute. I'm starting to get irritated with myself for not having a more creative vocabulary to describe her.

"I'll teach you." I blurt before I give myself another second to think about it. Shit! She's gonna think I want to be her friend now. It's not that I don't… it's just I don't need friends and they don't really fit in my life. She lifts her head again and grins. She even claps her hands together. I can't take it back now. I'll just ignore it. Maybe she won't be ballsy enough to bring it up. I start walking. She follows and we fall into silence. Maybe she doesn't know how to start talking?

"So… you're new?" I ask her casually. It sounds more like a statement. I mean, she must be new if I had never seen her before, and she gets lost trying to walk home, and she doesn't know the town. She sucks her lips into her mouth and nods.

"We just moved here." She answers simply and keeps looking forward. I nod too. She's so quiet that I almost think she doesn't want to talk. Maybe she doesn't? Urgh, I have to hold in a grunt of frustration. I can't read this chic.

I look both ways before stepping into the street to cross it. We're not at a crosswalk and she looks like she doesn't want to follow. I almost grab her hand to pull her with me but then she takes a little step, followed by another. She doesn't have to worry. There are like no cars here. This town barely has people.

"Did your dad get a job or something?" I ask once we're over on the other side. Her brows almost meet from her furrowing them in confusion. She shakes her head.

"No. Why?" She sounds almost suspicious and her steps become more hesitant.

"I've just never heard of anyone moving here voluntarily. This place is a dump." I shrug. I'm definitely moving to a bigger city when I get older. Somewhere you can be more anonymous. I hate this town and I hate _everyone_ knowing _everyone_ and _everything_ about_ everyone_. It's exhausting just to think about. At least there's one thing people don't know about me. So, I win. She presses her lips together tightly and she looks hesitant; like she's contemplating.

"We moved here… mostly because of me." She mumbles and her face is kind of turned away from mine so I don't see her lips move. I can barely make it out. Maybe she didn't mean for me to hear? I did anyways.

"Oh…?" I utter curiously. I wonder if she got kicked out of school or got arrested or something else cool? … I can't believe I just rhymed in my head.

"Yeah. My mom thought it would be good for me to start over in a new place and… make friends." She elaborates and almost whispers the last part. Well, fuck. Shit just got real. If she's trying to act casual she's failing miserably and it's kind of heartbreaking how her face and whole demeanour just falls. She's trying to not let me see her face by turning it away and I can feel how annoying I am for following the motions to keep seeing her eyes.

"You didn't have any friends where you lived before?" I ask carefully. I try to put pressure behind it but I'm really curious and it's hard to help it. She tries to shrug it off but my eyes keep piercing through her.

"People didn't like me. They said stuff." She says and now she's a little defensive. Her steps are faster and her arms are swinging more sternly from side to side. It's her turn to take a step to the side and walk with more space between us. Now I really feel like she doesn't want to talk about it. Okay, fine. We don't have to, I'll just-

"What did they say?" Shit. I tried biting my tongue, I swear I did. She sighs and it feels like she wants to walk away from me but either doesn't have the guts or is afraid to get lost again. I open my mouth to say that she doesn't have to tell me but then answer comes before I get the chance.

"That I was stupid. Or a slut. Or a stupid slut." The word slut sounds so harsh in her mouth. She looks so innocent… like an angel. I didn't even know such words could pass her lips. I totally would have guessed her as a virgin. Or like someone who's slept with her high school sweetheart. Maybe, once or twice. With rose pedals on the bed and romantic candle light. I try to keep up as she begins to walk faster.

I suddenly feel really shitty about calling her the wrong name in the cafeteria, about throwing away the apple and about showing up late. I didn't mean to be so… insensitive. She seems to know where she's going and I'm the one following now. I just want to make her stop but I have no idea how deal with this sort of emotional drama.

"I can't believe you were bullied…" I murmur and it makes her stop dead in her tracks. Her eyes are really big and yet somehow slope-y in a very distinct way. It makes my heart rise in my chest and beat faster. I almost feel the urge to lift my hands to cover my chest but then I realize she can't see my heart beating anyway so I would really just be giving myself away more. She's still staring at me. Is she waiting for me to say something else?

"It's just that you're really pretty." I try to explain. I mean, that makes sense right? Pretty girls don't get bullied. At least not here in Lima. Shit! Did I just call her pretty? To her face? Oh God, Santana, you are the biggest idiot on this planet.

"You don't know that I'm pretty." She shakes her head quickly but I can still see her brows furrowed. I furrow mine too because she's right there in front of me so of course I can tell if she's pretty or not. I'm not blind.

"Because you don't know me." She adds and finishes with one of those that-was-obvious-chuckles. I hate those. Especially since she's clearly the one who is not making sense right now. But her eyes are also glassy so I can't really be irritated with her. She blinks a couple of times and then twists around. I just stand there like a fool while she scurries over a lawn and disappears into a house. I didn't even know we were at her house.

It's kind of small and looks a little worn down. At least like it could use some fresh paint. I look back down the street where we came from. I should leave. I just… I really want my stone and… what if she's not okay? She didn't seem okay. She was almost crying. I walk slowly across the front lawn, looking around for curious neighbours who will know I don't belong here. There's no car in her driveway so hopefully her parents aren't home. I tap the door lightly. I can barely hear the knock myself but pretty soon it sounds like someone is running down a flight of stairs and then the door opens slowly.

"Here's your rock." She says and reaches her closed fist out. She waits for me to hold my hand under hers and then drops the stone into my hand. Her fingers graze against mine as her fist opens. It's the second time she's felt my hand. It shoots burning tingles through my hand and I have to look again just to make sure she's still not touching me. She's not. But I still feel her there.

"It's a stone." I correct her. It's not even relevant but it's all I can think to say.

"What do you need it for?" She asks tentatively. She's not smiling but her eyes are back to normal. Well, there's nothing normal about her eyes but I mean they're not threatening to start leaking anymore.

"It helps me." I say honestly. I can't be any more specific than that but at least it wasn't a lie. I dunno… she was so honest with me I felt like I wanted to return it. A smile pulls at her lips.

"That's nice." She whispers. I smile back; bigger than her but still softly.

"Yeah, it is. Thank you, Brittany." I murmur and hug the stone tightly in my palm. Her hand on the door slides a little higher and it seems like she's going to close it. My hand flies up and smacks against her door in protest. It's louder than I planned and she looks a little startled. Real smooth Santana…

"If people… _say things_ here… will you tell me?" Now, why in the world would I go and say something like that? Maybe because I feel guilty about how I treated her? Maybe because I know I would have been one of those mean people at her old school? Maybe because I know that if she hadn't just told me this; Quinn and I would have probably been the ones to give her a similar fate at this school? Maybe because… I like her. She nods. It's not even a nod. It's barely a baby nod.

"Thank you, Santana."


	5. Chapter 5

I don't know about you but this pace is killing me. I just can't with the scarce updates. Still, if I go faster I won't be able to keep up with myself; leaving us with a hiatus until after my exam and that's obviously not gonna happen. I did a hiatus once. It sucked. BUT, I was getting irritated with the way I write, or more like how I cut my chapters off, so therefore** I made chapter 4 and 5 into one.** It's like twice as long now but still not that long.

Sidenote: I tried to teach my little sister how to drive today. It went_… uhm… yeah._ SO much fun. SO illegal. I'm such a badass ;P

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**CHAPTER 4**

* * *

My legs are huge. If I stand with my feet together my thighs touch at the top. I swear they touched less last week. When they don't touch anymore then I can be happy with them. Maybe. I look down at them and then back at my mirror reflection. I pinch the fat on my stomach and watch it with a frown; alternating from down looking at it directly and seeing its reflection. I pinch everywhere I can grab something.

The sides of my hips are way too flabby. I go to my dresser and get a pair of panties that I put on before forcing jeans up my legs. I bought these jeans four years ago. They're super tight. I can barely get the button to close. I even have to lie down on the bed and suck my stomach in as much as I can. I go back to the mirror and look at the fat that's welling over the jeans line. God, my body is so gross. I hate my reflection. I hate it.

You'd think a simple solution would be to just not stand here and look at myself so much. I unbutton the jeans again and pull them off my legs. But you don't get it. I need to stand here. I hook my fingers in the waistbands of my panties and take them off too. I twist a little to look at my butt. Instead my eyes lock at the wrinkles that form on my side as my body twists like that. I feel nauseous.

I need to stand here because I need to hate my body. I need to hate it so much that I won't want to eat anything today. I twist back and look at my chest. My boobs are disgusting. At least they're fake. I don't know why on earth I wanted to add something like that to my body. It's starting to become clearer that they're not real though. My chest is getting bonier and they look more like just implants covered it skin. Perhaps Quinn and I can stage another fight about them just in case anyone missed that it's not actually my fat in there. I need people to know that. I look at my phone for a time indication and see that I have a text from Quinn.

**Quinn:** At yours in five

She sent it three minutes ago so I quickly drop the phone and put the panties on again, followed by a bra and then my Cheerio's uniform. I'm putting on the finishing touches on my ponytail when Quinn walks through the door. She never knocks anymore because she knows my parents aren't going to be there anyways.

"Hrmm." I greet her with a hairpin in my mouth that is forcing my lips to stay shut. She smiles and nods towards my bathroom door.

"Yeah, let me just grab my make-up bag real quick." I say after taking the pin out my mouth and securing some loose hairs with it. I scurry in there and shove my scattered articles of make-up from the counter into the bag and take it with me out.

"All yours." I wink at her and she smiles faintly before closing the door carefully behind her. I put the make-up on the desk and pull out my mascara. I pump it a couple of times. I watched a TV show that said you're not supposed to do that. I forget why. I'm just about to do the first stroke when Quinn opens the door again.

"You can put some music on if you want." She suggests quietly but doesn't wait for me to oblige before closing the door again. I walk over to my stereo and plug in my iPod. I stand there for a while trying to decide a song but then I hear her gagging and just click on a random song. I turn it up and go back to the mirror. As I apply mascara I can just barely hear her over the music. I know she wants music because she's afraid I'll find her disgusting. I'm not really grossed out though. First of all I'm used to it; it's the same thing almost every morning. Second… I think I would find her grosser knowing she had a whole Fabray-size breakfast in her stomach.

With one last look at my face I decide I'm done. She's not quite though. I look around my room to make sure I don't forget any books I'm gonna need today. I feel around in my backpack until I feel the stone. It's there, in its usual pocket compartment. Every time I hold it now I can't help but think about Brittany. I actually think about her… a lot. But it's only because I haven't seen her that much. Or at all, since I walked her home. That was Tuesday and now it's Friday. I'm not sure if she hasn't gone to school or if I've just missed her, but either way I haven't seen her in two whole days. Suddenly the music stops and I see Quinn when I look up.

"What are you thinking about?" Quinn asks playfully.

"Uhh… nothing. Why?" I think I sound angrier than I mean to because her smile fades.

"You were frowning." She says carefully with a curious eyebrow raised.

"That a crime?" I shoot back and zip my backpack shut violently. She puts her hands up defeat and rolls her eyes.

"Geez, Santana." She breathes. "PMS much?"

"Whatever." I mean it harsh but it's more like sigh. I actually haven't been on my period for a couple of months… maybe three? I've lost track. But I like it. It's awesome not having to deal with that mess _and_ - it means I'm doing it right.

"Let's go." Quinn mumbles and I hear her car keys jiggle as she exits my room.

* * *

School is school and lunch is lunch. Brittany isn't anywhere to be seen and I try not to care but I catch myself wanting every blonde girl in the hallways to be her. I _don't_ even care… but I want her to be okay. She was so upset last time I saw her. Someone slips their arm under mine and pull me forward to walk faster.

"Sue's gonna kill us." Quinn says and walks even faster. I scrunch my nose. I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything to upset Sue lately. I try to steer clear of her.

"It started like ten minutes ago." Quinn adds hurriedly.

"Oh shit!" I hiss and we start to race through the school to get to the gym. Cheerio's bonus tryouts are today. Whenever Sue feels like we're slacking off she throws in one of these to scare everyone into shaping up. No one is irreplaceable. She also likes them because she enjoys watching idiots make complete asses out of themselves. Like when Finn thought he could join. I wish I had that on tape so I could _literally_ throw up on it. As co-captains Quinn and I always attend these, and not so much contribute with opinions, but just sit silently and look intimidating. We stumble in the door and Sue has her back turned to us.

"If it isn't Sand_bags_ and Sand_brain_?" She says without having to turn around to confirm our identities. "I give you exactly 36 seconds to get from your classrooms to here, and this is how you repay that generosity?" She continues and turns around slowly. She sounds mad. Sue always sounds mad but now it's like extra mad. You just… have to look like you're a robot. No expression, so she knows she's not getting to you. She walks closer while raising her megaphone slowly to meet her lips.

"S-sorry coach." Quinn stutters and I pinch her arm because she shouldn't say anything.

"TAKE A SEAT YOU LAZY IDIOTS!" Sue shouts through the megaphone right by Quinn's ear. Quinn flinches and I pinch her arm again because she shouldn't flinch. We hurry over to our seats and both of us knit our fingers together and place our hands gently on the table. The first girl comes through the door and I arch an eyebrow as a smirk spreads across my face. Clearly, she's way too fat to be a Cheerio. She looks nervous as she stops in front of us and puts her water bottle on the floor.

"I'm sorry you had to wait but I had some issues with the completely incompetent losers on either side of me…" Sue starts and gestures first at me and then at Quinn.

"… However, I can see that there isn't a shred of talent in you and I'm offended that you would think you're worthy of wasting my time." Sue continues. She speaks so calmly when she insults people. It makes it hit them harder. Sue lifts the megaphone again.

"NEXT!" She shouts and the girl runs out of the hall again. We see five other more girls but Sue only let's two of them stay long enough to actually do something. Then she completely breaks them too.

"And who might you be?" Sue asks suddenly and I realize I've been staring at my hands for quite some time.

"I'm Brittany." A voice says and my eyes shoot up. There she is. Wearing black sweatpants, which she has hiked up to just below her knees, and a bright pink sports bra - only. Her hair is loose and hanging over her shoulders. She puts her water bottle down on the floor in front of her and I can see her triceps from here. Her chest is slightly heaving like she's already done her number and with every breath her abs semi-flex, making the valley cutting her stomach in half deeper. Holy. Crap. Hot.

When I'm done staring and I've picked my jaw up from somewhere on the floor I suddenly realize I'm mad at her. Or maybe at myself. Or at least at some dumb mother fucker. I can't figure this girl out at all. First she's nice, then she's snarky, then she's all shy and insecure, then she's sad, then she completely disappears and now she's ballsy enough to audition for the Cheerio's – half naked.

I glance over at Sue. Her facial expression is almost exactly the same except her eyes are a little narrower. It's enough to tell me she's interested. I remember how she narrowed her eyes at me too when I first auditioned for the Cheerio's my freshman year.

"Would you mind explaining to me why you don't have any clothes on?" Sue asks and rests her chin on a balled fist as she waits for the answer. Brittany looks down at her body and then back up again.

"But I do have clothes on." She argues in confusion. She looks at me and I subtly point to my top. Her eyes dart back down and then up at Sue again.

"Oh! I spilled on my shirt." She says casually and even shrugs. She's not afraid of Sue. At all. Sue hums and looks down at the megaphone. I honestly think she's gonna call out 'NEXT' so I prepare apologetic eyes for Brittany but when Sue opens her mouth it's not to scold. Well, she's kind of always scolding no matter what she says.

"What exactly are you waiting for?" She asks and follows it by a restless headshake.

"Music?" Brittany guesses. It makes total sense but all she earns from Sue is a snort.

"Music is for people without talent." Sue says sternly. She's growing weary and when Brittany looks at me again I'm hoping my eyes are begging her to start moving. She does. It's not really cheerleading moves but she's really… fluid. And graceful. It's supposed to look stupid. Everyone looks stupid when they dance without music but it looks good. I can hear Quinn let out a quiet gasp. Sue's eyes narrow even more and I know it's a good thing. I get excited but then I catch myself and force it away.

"Congratulations Brenda." Sue says and stands up, which makes Brittany stop dancing.

"It's B-" Brittany starts but Sue cuts her off.

"You're a Cheerio! Magdalene and Virgin Mary here will take the afternoon to teach you the routine so you know it perfectly on Monday." Sue continues and points at me and Quinn. I'm pretty sure she means me as Magdalene but that makes no sense because I don't even touch myself anymore, let alone let anyone else do it, and Quinn is the one who has been pregnant. Except no one knows that because she didn't go full term. Her parents don't know and neither does the father. I don't even know who the father is. She insists it's not Finn so I guess that's good enough for me. I stole the money from my dad to pay for her abortion. Quinn's voice snaps me back from my thoughts.

"Wait, what?" She interjects and her eyes flicker back and forth between Brittany and Sue.

"My dear, sweet, pea-brained Barbie, I don't have time to waste _my_ precious time with this. That is why I have you." Sue explains slowly and strokes the side of Quinn's face condescendingly. "Now if you excuse me I have better things to do." Sue exists and leaves the three of us alone.

"I have better things to do to!" Quinn hisses when she's sure neither Sue nor Sue's ninja, 20 mile rage ears, can hear her.

"Oh, like what?" I snap. It's not like we have a choice so she might as well stop complaining. We'll be here all weekend if we have to.

"I have a date with Finn." Quinn says matter of factly. I roll my eyes. Of course she does. She's been on a date with Finn every night this week. How her skin isn't crawling from having to put up with his whiny voice and his stomach puffing out from his shirts is beyond me. It's her choice to spend time with him. A very illogical, stupid and ridiculous choice, but her choice no less. I've come to quite like having the afternoons to myself. I like it more than I thought I would.

"As long as you don't…"

"Oh, no, no, no! We're going miniature golfing, I think it's fine. " Quinn interrupts and waves her hands vigorously in front of her like she's trying to wave away the horrid thought.

"You could always use protection." Brittany interjects in a murmur. I snort a chuckle because she thinks we're talking about sex. Then I frown because the mental image of Finn naked is enough to make anyone want to kill themselves. Quinn looks at Brittany like she's not making any sense and Brittany shifts uncomfortably. It makes me want to slap Quinn, but instead I roll my eyes and cross my arms over my chest. I lean back in the chair with a thud.

"Sounds like the lamest date _ever._" I snort and stare down at my lap. My thighs are pressed against the seat which makes them look huge so I lift them slightly and support them on my toes instead. Much better.

"Whatever." Quinn retorts and sits back with her arms crossed just like me. Then she realizes she needs me and twists her body back to face me.

"Please cover for me, please!" She begs and interlaces her fingers like she's praying and I'm God. I look away to avoid her weepy puppy eyes. I hate doing people favours. The only thing worse is when people do me favours. I catch a glimpse of Brittany as she drinks from her water bottle. I see her throat move with every gulp she takes. A little stream of water misses her mouth and trails along her jaw line.

"Fine!" I exhale loudly and refuse to look at Quinn as she breaks into a huge grin and squeals.

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." She chirps thrice and presses her lips against my cheek between each time. She's quick to grab her stuff and neither I nor Brittany move a muscle as we watch Quinn skip put of the room. When Brittany's eyes are done following her; she turns her head back to me.

"I thought your name was Santana?" She asks sceptically.

"It is?" I retort with furrowed eyebrows.

"Coach Sylvester called you Magdalene." She states and now she just looks confused.

"Sue hasn't called me by my real name in three years." I say with a shrug. It doesn't seem to wash away her confusion. I decide to just ignore it so I stand up and walk around the table.

"So, _Brianna_, are you ready to start?" I ask. It's meant as a joke but she lowers her gaze and pouts. Shit.

"Britt! I'm kidding!" I exclaim. She looks up at me again and a giggle looks like it wants to bubble out between her lips. Fuck, I just called her Britt instead of Brittany. Not sure we're in a position to give each other nicknames.

"But we should get started." I continue quickly. "We might be here a while."

* * *

"Okay, let's try it again." I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I don't get it. She was doing so great and picked up all the moves really quickly and now this last move she refuses to do right. It's not even that hard.

"I'm tired." She whines and puffs out her lower lip. How am I supposed to be mad at her when she looks like that?

"Get it right then and we can finally go home." I say and shrug. It's really _that _simple. We've been here for over three hours now and I wasn't really paying attention to the time but I swear it took her no longer than two hours tops to learn everything else. Then I told her we only had this one thing to go and everything went downhill. It's been fun though. I don't mind being here with her. She's funny. Plus, we're moving so it's burning more calories than my homework would have.

"Show me again." Her voice is a little shy but she's smiling. Almost smirking. I narrow my eyes at her.

"I've showed you like a million times." I throw my head back and sigh. I'm kind of faking being tired of her and I think she sees through me because it only makes her giggle.

"Just one more time." She pleads and smiles. I like how her upper lip curves when she smiles. Her eyes have a hint of mischief and it's just so…

"Okay… come here." I cave and wave her over to me. Instead of walking; she skips, and I have to roll my eyes. If someone is actually skipping then it's just reflex. I grab her by the hips. She's still just wearing the sports bra and the sweats, and I'm careful to grab low enough so that my hands don't touch her naked skin. She's not supposed to feel them. I can't allow that. Especially since I can feel how warm she is just from her being close to me and my hands are actually freezing. It doesn't matter how warm the rest of me gets; they're always cold. I hope she can't feel how cold they are through her sweats.

I tighten my hold and bring her to stand directly in front of me, my arms extended as far as they'll go to create a distance between us. It would have been easier if we were in a dance studio and had mirror walls but this is just a school gym so doing it like this'll have to do.

"It's you left foot first." I instruct and count us down so we'll start at the same time. She starts with her right foot, leaving her left standing and therefore I kick her lightly.

"Sorry." She whispers. It's sweet but really it was me who kicked her.

"Again." I whisper back. I don't know why we're suddenly speaking so quietly but I don't want to be the one to break it. She starts again – with her left foot so I give her hip an encouraging squeeze. We do the moves in unison and she gets almost every step right. There are arm movements too and she does them but I have to hold on to her hips to you know… make sure she… does it right and stuff. Suddenly she stops. I notice I'm holding her pretty tightly and my arms have bent somewhat now so she's a lot closer. Why did she stop though? She was doing so great.

"I can't twirl if you're holding me." She whispers and turns her face just enough for me to see how her lips move while she speaks and that her eyes are closed. _Oh shit. _ She… I just… she's so… She's warm and close and my heart is beating like it doesn't fit my chest. I only see half but her face is slightly glowing from sweat. From the way her shoulders are moving I can tell she's breathing heavily but my thoughts are too loud to register the sounds of it.

"Santana…" She breathes and I realize I'm_ still_ holding her. Even after she told me to let her go. Idiot! My hands drop quickly and I hug the bottom hem of my skirt instead. She starts turning. But she's not turning the way she's supposed to. The move is a fast 360 twirl and she's moving really slowly. We're so close that her arm brushes against my chest. It's super light but it stills sends shivers through me. She only does half the turn so now she's facing me.

Her eyes are too scary to meet so I drop my gaze and… are those her nipples? My eyes shoot up to her face again. Her eyes are sort of hooded and I realize she's looking lower too. Is she looking at my lips? Her gaze flickers up and our eyes meet. She's blushing and she looks bashful the way her mouth is curled into a crooked smile. I lick my lips and a breeze from her breath hits them. That's when I realize how close we really are.

"Th-that wasn't the twirl." It comes out like croak and I immediately regret saying anything. I take a step back and try to clear my throat without sounding like it.

"Try again." It's meant to be stern but my voice is weak and almost shaky. Nevertheless, she does what she's told. She tries to anyways. It's like all the progress went out the window and everything is wrong again. It looks perfect, it's mesmerizing really, but it's just not the moves Sue wants.

"You're doing it wrong!" I hiss and if it sounds like I'm frustrated it's because I am! Not so much with her dancing or her but… what just happened? I haven't felt like that… _between my legs_… in a long time. I was kind of beginning to take pride in the fact that no one could make me feel like that. It doesn't matter anyways. She probably didn't mean to be that close and I don't really do that _stuff_ anyways. Just shake it off. I jump up and down twice and then I lay down on the floor and cover my face with my arms.

"But my moves look better." She says playfully and sits down on the ground with her legs crossed right next to me. It's like we weren't just standing inches apart breathing all over each other. She wants to pretend it didn't happen too. When I let my arms back down to rest along my sides I see that she's looking down at my face. I tilt my head slightly back to eliminate any trace of a double chin she might be seeing from this angle.

"You're kinda cocky, huh?" I say and one of my eyebrows arches. Her shoulders rise in a shrug. She has every reason to be cocky because she looks amazing when she moves. But I would have never expected this kind of confidence from her after what we talked about the other day. I don't know what to expect from her. _That's_ what's frustrating! Not being able to read her. I can read everyone. _Everyone._

Brittany is really unpredictable and sometimes I think she might be bi-polar because how quickly she changes. For example, earlier I gave her crap about a step she did wrong and she got pissed. Then three seconds later she was happy and making jokes again. Her jokes are funny too. I think the amount I laugh in a month is equivalent to how much she made me laugh the first two hours of being here. I tried not to laugh because I don't really do that. I might chuckle or scoff but I don't giggle and I definitely don't laugh.

"You're thinking about something…" She half sings alluringly and smirks.

"Am not!" I dismiss and pull down my Cheerio's top a little further over my skirt just to do something with my hands. I hold on to the hem for a while. I gave Brittany her new uniform before we started but she said she'd rather wear what she's wearing while learning the routine. I wish she hadn't because what she's wearing-

"You're thinking again…" She whispers and lies down next to me. I tense because she's close and I can feel her radiating heat on my skin. In the corner of my eye I can see her chest move up and down slowly with every breath she takes. Why is she doing this?

"Am not." I mutter and it makes her giggle. Her giggles are actually not_ that_ pathetic. They're kind of… cute. My hand slide off my sides to rest on the floor but suddenly I feel something burning hot against my cold hand. It's her hand. It's the third time our hands touch, but who's counting? I quickly pull my hand away and sit up.

"Come on Britt; let's get this right so we can go home." I smirk and stand up. She smiles a little. She's given me that exact smile every time I've called her Britt. At first I didn't mean to and I still don't really. But it's hard to resist when I know it'll make her smile like that. She raises her upper body slowly and I hear her abs screaming at me to look at them as they flex to bring her up. She extends her arms towards me. I look at them with a frown.

"Saaan? Help me up!" She whines and her bottom lip shoots out in a pout.

"Oh…" I breathe and my eyes flicker around the room for a second. Did she just catch me off guard? What's happening to me? It's not because she called me San. It only took three times of me calling her Britt before she started trying nicknames for me. San was the only one I approved of. No, it's because she wants me to pull her up - using my hands. I know she's touched them but only for fractions of a second. If she held on to them longer she'd feel how cold they are. She'd feel how gross they are.

"Here." I say and offer her my forearm instead. She grabs the bend of my arm with one hand and starts heaving herself up. Then she looses her balance and her other hand clings to mine automatically. I can literally feel my heart stopping. I try to pull it back in reflex but she has it in a death grip as it's the only thing keeping her from falling. She regains her footing and we both just stand there. My heart starts pounding again and its rate increases to thousands of miles per hour when I see her staring at out conjoined hands.

"Your hand is really cold." She states, almost as if hypnotized, and doesn't take her eyes off it.

"Yeah, well…" That's all I can think to say and I quickly pull it back, locking both my hands together behind my back. She looks a little hurt but I'm too panicked to care. People aren't supposed to feel my hands. It's not supposed to happen ever.

"Let's just get this right and go the fuck home." I snap and she flinches at the harsh words. She awkwardly fidgets with the rubber-band around her wrist. She looks small and insecure again. Instead of acknowledging it or trying to make her feel better I do the moves she has been messing up. I do them four times over but she's just standing there. I stop and grunt loudly. I look at her and cross my arms over my chest.

She kicks off the floor and starts moving. She does the steps perfectly. Better than me even. Did she know them all along? I've never seen anyone move like her. I clench my jaw and I'm not sure if it's from being overwhelmingly awestruck or jealous and pissed the fuck off that she's probably gonna outshine me. She does the moves one more time and then she does the whole routine from the top. When she finishes she lands on both her feet and her sneakers squeak against the floor. She looks back at me with raised eyebrows and crosses her arms too. We stare at each other intensely; a couple of yards between out bodies. Her chest is heaving more than mine and her breath is thicker. Her eyes are really blue. You know they're really blue when you can see their color clearly from this distance.

"Guess we're going home." She says, a little out breath, but still managing to sound bitchy.

"Guess we are." I retort. She tilts her head to the side in a challenge. I tilt my head to the other side.

"Fine." She says shortly.

"Great."

"Awesome."

"Perfect."

I wait for her to say something back but there's really no way to do better than perfect so her arms fall and she picks up her water bottle and the shirt she claimed to have spilled water on earlier. She shuffles towards the exit and I stare at her back. My arms fall too and with it something else. My guard, whatever, something cheesy like that, because I feel like shit again. I didn't mean to make her angry. She didn't… I guess she didn't _actually_ do anything wrong. She forgot her uniform too.

I put my jacket on and grab the plastic bag with her Cheerio clothes and my backpack before heading after her. The bigger my steps get; the farther away the door seems and I pick up the pace until I'm practically sprinting. I push through the door and look around to find her. She's walking down the stone steps. More like dancing down. It looks really graceful and she's superfast.

"Hey!" I call after her and rush in her direction. She doesn't stop.

"Hey Brittany!" I call again and I'm kind of happy it's late and school is pretty much deserted because my reputation would be seriously damaged if anyone saw me acting desperate like this. I can't belive I'm actaully chasing after her - _again._ She slows down. Finally. She turns around and she looks at me expectedly. My eyes flicker and I notice she's put the shirt on. It's grey and you can see the large, wet stain slightly darker and covering most of the torso. It would have dried by if she would had hung it properly before.

"You forgot your… this." I stutter and hold up the bag for her to grab it. She lifts her arm to do so and I see she has goose bumps all over her arm.

"Don't you have a jacket?" I shake my head at the oddness of it. I know I'm biased because I'm always cold but she's wet, it's a little bit windy outside and it's only April.

"I thought it was summer and no one ever taught me how to read a calendar." Her eyes flicker as she says it and she sounds a little sad. I'm not sure if she's serious or not but I still feel bad for her.

"Do you want to borrow mine?" I ask her suddenly. It slips out of me before I can react. She smiles faintly and shakes her head. She looks shy. I think she wants to accept it.

"You sure? Because it's totally fine." I assure her. It's not really fine because I don't have a spare one and I'm cold even with it on but whatever. Being cold burns more calories than regular temperature anyways.

"Totally, totally fine?" She asks coyly and looks away. Okay, she totally wants it and she's adorable about it.

"Super extra totally." I nod and start to take it off. It's freezing outside but I'm not gonna let her see that I'm cold. I hand it over. She holds it between her thighs while reaching for the hem of her shirt. She attempts to pull it over her head but it gets stuck. Her elbows are poking out the sides of it and her face moving against the strechted fabric looks like something from an Alien movie.

"Help." She murmurs and squirms around to get out of the wet prison. I did _not_ just giggle. I step closer and grab fistfuls of the material. I pull and pull and finally her face appears. Right in front of mine. Out eyes meet and I see my reflection in her pupils. My eyes flicker to her lips but as soon as I realize it I take a big step back. This is not happening again. The shirt is in my hands and I wait for her to put my jacket on before handing it back. She zips my jacket all the way up. It looks really dorky. That jacket only works if you leave it open or at least show some cleavage. But on her it looks cute.

"Thanks." She says and I'm not sure if it's from being handed back her shirt or being lent my jacket but either way I nod. She takes a tiny step back. Guess we're saying good bye...

"Are you okay to walk home?" I blurt suddenly. "Considering your track record." I add playfully. I wouldn't mind walking her home…

"Yeah, fine." She answers. Bummer…

"Great." I say instead of insisting. Insisting would have been pathetic. Her lips curl up slightly to a knowing smile.

"Awesome…" She murmurs quietly and now it's my turn to smile. I wink at her.

"… Perfect."


	6. Chapter 6

.

* * *

**CHAPTER 5**

* * *

"Sloppy! Lazy! Floppy!" Sue hollers through her megaphone. God, I hate that thing. We're not that bad; especially now with Brittany on the team. Sue likes her, I can tell, but it doesn't stop her from constantly scolding us. Everyone gets really quiet and stare straight ahead. Some girls aren't even breathing.

"Do you hear that? You are officially so bad you're making me rhyme. Hit the showers!" Sue screams and kills the music. Yes, we actually got to do the routine to music today. We all stand frozen for another second or so and then move in a pack towards the changing rooms. Quinn and I are just getting out stuff. Cheerio's is the last thing of the day and I wouldn't be caught dead showering next to these girls. Just being there. Naked. With people. They can see you. They _will_ judge you. It just… it's not happening.

It used to be Cheerio's first thing in the morning and that was trickier. Obviously you couldn't walk around in school all day without showering so Quinn and I had to wait out all the other girls and then we showered when the locker room was completely empty. First me, and then her. Never at the same time. We don't do that. We're never naked in the same room together anymore. Even when we're in my Jacuzzi in our bikinis I go in first while she pretends to check her phone or something.

When I'm in the water she comes and when she does I pretend to look at something else really interesting until she's gotten in the water. We don't acknowledge that we do that. It's just a little dance we do because we know we're more comfortable not showing ourselves naked. Especially showering. I find showering to be really intimate. Maybe because _all_ your body parts are whipped out. Maybe because you're rubbing yourself with soap. Maybe because you can be caught off guard.

I open my locker and take out my backpack. Now, where is Quinn? I want to get out of here before girls start undressing. Or… maybe not. Brittany's standing a few lockers away and her back is turned to me so I can watch without her noticing. Her body stretches when she takes the top off. She wore her Cheerio's uniform today for the first time. I saw her in the cafeteria. She saw me too and smiled. Her hair was up in a tight pony tail. I forgot to tell her she had to do that but she's smart. I like her hair back. She has good bone structure for pony tails. And it's less distracting. When she had it out I just wanted to run my fingers through it.

The red looked good on her too. It looks even better now with just the skirt and her upper body bare though. Her back is really muscular and when she moves it moves with her in that sneaky looking way. Like a cheetah sneaking up on a prey. I wish I could touch her. She turns around suddenly and catches me staring. Damn it! She's like a ninja. I throw my eyes away to the opposite part of the room but then I register her right in front of me and I have to turn back to her. She's holding the top she just took off over her chest so she's not showing anything compromising.

"You're not showering?" She asks me questioningly and throws a glance and a frown at the strap over my shoulder.

"I shower at home." I say matter of factly. Everyone knows that and no one questions it anymore. I've told everyone I have a phobia of wet, public changing room floors which almost isn't even a lie because _gross!_ But people wouldn't shut up and told me I could just use flip-flops so I had to throw in an actual lie about my Abuela slipping on one of these floors while wearing flip-flops. I'm prepared to tell Brittany both those stories if she asks.

"Oh." She says simply. She seems to accept the answer. Good. Her brows knit together and she looks hesitant. She opens her mouth.

"Hey, you jacket is still at my house and I was wondering if you-"

"My place or your place?" Quinn suddenly asks behind me. Brittany frowns at being interrupted; for the second time by Quinn. When Quinn puts her hand on my shoulder Brittany's frown grows bigger.

"My place." I answer. I know Quinn isn't really asking because we always go to my house. She's just checking to make sure it's okay. Quinn looks at Brittany, who is still frowning although the wrinkles on her forehead have smoothed somewhat, and then back at me.

"I'll wait for you in the car." She murmurs and leaves. Brittany's still looking to where Quinn's hand rested on my shoulder. It's like she's trying to burn it away.

"So you're hanging out with Mary today?" Brittany asks me sullenly. I wonder if she's trying to use Sue's insult from last week; because it really doesn't work unless you add the virgin-part, or if she actually thinks Quinn's name is Mary.

"Her name is Quinn." I chuckle and when she hears it; Brittany smiles. It's faint but it's better than a frown.

"And yes." I add to answer her question and when I do her smile fades again. Is she having a bad day or something because she seems awfully blue? Oh crap. What if she wants an invitation or something? It's not that I don't like Brittany it's just that she really can't hang out with Quinn and me. We don't do that.

"Sounds like fun." Brittany murmurs and looks down. Shit, Brittany I really can't invite you. I'm sorry.

"Yeah. I gotta go." I say and Brittany nods, her lips thin like two lines and pressed together.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I say gently and back up two steps slowly before turning around and hurrying out of the locker room. I can feel her eyes on my back and they burn. I'm a bitch, I know that, but Brittany is the only one who actually makes me feel bad about it. Damn her.

* * *

"Hi, mija! Oh, hello Quinn!" My mother breezes as Quinn and I enter the house. My mom is cleaning the large mirror we have hanging on the wall to the left when you step inside. We have maids to do that but sometimes my mom likes to do little things around the house. I think she's trying to prove something. I also think it's ridiculous.

"Hi Mrs. Lopez." Quinn greets politely and almost curtsies. There's a slight bend of her knees but she stops herself and tries to act like she wasn't just about to do that. I think Quinn is afraid of grown ups; like they can see through her more than the kids at school. Adults are just as stupid though. Plus, my mom loves Quinn.

"You girls are just in time! I think dinner is just about done!" My mom chirps and swipes over the mirror again. Quinn throws me a worried glance and I roll my eyes at her.

"Great mama. We're just gonna shower and we'll be right down." I say happily and grab Quinn by the wrist to lead her up to my room. She follows like a puppy and when I let go of her wrist she just stops in the middle of the room. I put my backpack down and open the door to my walk in closet.

"D'ya wanna shower first?" I ask without turning my head to look at her.

"No, you can go first." She says quietly. I grab some panties, a bra, jeans that have gotten a little big and a T-shirt that is meant to be big. Then I remember I'm gonna have to go down to mom again later and I switch the T-shirt for a girly blouse I know my mom likes.

"I'll be quick. You can choose whatever you like to wear." I say to Quinn and then lock the door to my conjoint bathroom behind me.

I shower and then Quinn showers. She picked a dress to wear and it looks good on her when she steps out of my bathroom. Her hair is still wet because I took the hairdryer out to my room while she showered so I could do my hair. My mom likes it when I part it on the left so that's what I did.

"C'mon." I say and nod towards the door before heading for it.

"Santana… are we eating?" Quinn asks me hesitantly. She fidgets with a crease in the dress and isn't any closer to following me down the stairs.

"Urgh, you're an idiot." I sigh and she looks down at the floor insecurely. I roll my eyes and walk up to her. I put my hand on her back and push her forward gently.

"Just follow my lead, kay?" My voice is so soft and it's unusual for when speaking to Quinn. She nods and we walk downstairs together. I can hear my mother setting the table and she can hear our steps as we approach her. She peers up and smiles at us. When she sees how I look she smiles even brighter. It makes me unable to hold my smile in. I like when I make her happy like that.

"I hope your hungry, girls! Santana, I thought your father was coming home so I made a lot but… he's not. So more for us." She keeps her smile plastered on but her eyes shift to sad when she talks about dad. I always pretend I don't see it. It's easier.

"Mom, this smells so good." I chirp and turn to the food on the stove. It actually does smell pretty nice but it looks disgusting. There's cheese and grease all over a potato gratin; that may be the point of it, but I want to throw up just looking at it. There's also a big plate with slabs of some meat on it. I smile and I hope it doesn't look as fake as my mom's smile just now. I walk over to the table and pick up the plate set out for me. I pick up Quinn's too and hand it to her.

"We have a lot of homework to do so we're just gonna eat in my room." I say gently and casually. I've used this excuse more times than I can count and thank god my grades are as good as they are or she wouldn't have bought it. My mom's face falls.

"Mija, I was hoping we could eat together today…" She sounds disappointed but there is also something stern in her voice like she's trying to tell me I don't have a choice. Or at least like she wants to tell me that. My mom never mastered the bad cop parenting.

"Mom…" I sigh.

"Mrs. Lopez, we really need to finish our history report or Mr. Shuester won't let us graduate." Quinn butts in and I'm actually proud of her. It was the perfect combination of not over doing it, yet adding enough detail to make it believable. And the fact that it's coming from Quinn means my mom won't say no. She picks up her wine glass and takes a gulp from it. I look at the time discretely. It's six thirty so it's not that early. Some days she starts the second she comes home. I know she's lonely. Dad is never here and neither is my brother and… neither am I. Not really.

"Tell you what, if we finish quickly we'll come down and watch Modern Family with you?" I suggest and scoop up a big blob of cheesy potato on my plate. It makes a disgusting, slimy sound. Quinn does the same while I stick a fork in a piece of meat and put that on my plate too. My mom takes another gulp of her wine but she looks happier. I put my hand on her upper arm and she nods. Then I find Quinn's eyes and nod for us to leave. I go to a drawer and take out two forks and two knives before following Quinn up the stairs again.

"I feel bad for your mom. She looked so sad." Quinn says when we are again safe behind closed doors.

"She's fine!" I snap and put my plate and the cutlery down. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to pretend it's not real. I connect my iPod to my stereo and play some soft music. I go to my sock drawer and pull out a plastic bag. I got a lot of them at the super market. At first I took them from the kitchen but I think mom started noticing they disappeared so it just felt safer to keep my own. Quinn looks at the bag with suspicion.

"You don't wanna eat, do you?" I say testily and throw it at her. She catches it and dumps her massive portion of food in there.

"Not everything! She's not gonna believe you ate all that. You're not a lumberjack." I grab Quinn's plate and put it down next to mine. I bring some of my potato over on her plate and cut a piece of the meat. I want to barf dealing with this. It used to be one of my favorite dishes when I was little but I've just taught myself to hate the sight of food. All food. I swirl it around on her plate so it looks like someone actually ate from it. Then I make mine look similar, using the other set of knife and fork so they'll also looked used. I wonder how realistic it is that both of us have almost the same amount left and decide it's not, so I throw the piece of meat I put on Quinn's plate in the bag too and then tie it. I hide it in a chest thingy under my bed. I only throw these away when I know no one is home. I'll be damned if I get caught with one of them and mom asks me what's in there. I throw them in a dumpster a couple of blocks away so it can't be found in our garbage. You can't be too careful.

I lay down sideways on the bed with my feet still on the ground and exhale slowly. Now we just have to stay in here for a while and then bring our plates down. Hopefully, mom will be in or around the kitchen to see them. Quinn lies down next to me in the same way. She lifts her hands and looks at them. I'm not sure why but I mimic and look back and forth between hers and mine. They're a little reddish. On Quinn it's more obvious because her skin tone is lighter.

"Don't you ever wanna just hold someone's hand?" She asks me quietly. It makes me uncomfortable. Quinn always wants to talk about things. The only person I talk to is myself because I'm the only one who understands. Even if Quinn understands a lot, she and I are different people.

"Is this about Finn?" I ask back. It's gross talking about him but even that is better than talking about myself.

"I'm serious." She says quietly and she doesn't sound very intimidating. I sigh but say nothing.

"Sometimes I miss it." She whispers and turns her head to me. I feel her eyes on me so I turn my head to her. I still have nothing to say but I take her hand in mine. It makes me cringe slightly but hers is just as cold and gross as mine so it's okay. She slips her fingers between mine and squeezes tight. I nod and she nods and we know; we're in this together. She goes to kiss my nose but I tilt my head up superfast so her lips land on mine. She doesn't flinch back but when she pulls away she turns her head back to look at the ceiling.

"San…" She sighs.

"I know." I say quickly before she can say anything else.

...

We do our homework, which isn't actually history. I have math and Quinn has Spanish. The later it gets though the harder it is to concentrate. I keep thinking about Brittany and how sad she looked that she wasn't invited. I'm glad I didn't invite her though. If she would have been with us we would have been forced to eat. This is why I don't hang out with anyone other than Quinn. It makes thing so difficult. But I am sorry. I don't want Brittany to be sad. I should ask her to hang out with just me and I can take her somewhere where there is no food and it'll be okay.

"Will you read my paper?" Quinn asks me suddenly and peers up from my laptop that she has borrowed to write it. I look up from my books and smirk.

"You mean Google translate's paper?" I ask playfully and she throws a pen at me in reaction. I throw my eraser at her and I actually hit her.

"_Ouuuuch_." She whines and rubs the spot on her arm. "Just read it."

"Can I read it tomorrow? I'm done with school for today." I slam my books shut and rub my temples. It feels good and I close my eyes.

"Do you wanna go watch TV with your mom?" Quinn asks me tentatively. I open my eyes just enough to see her smiling sweetly at me.

"Yeah, I do."

* * *

Quinn and I sat with my mom until past midnight last night. My mom made popcorn but she was the only one who ate from them. Luckily she had had enough wine not to notice. We watched three episodes of _Modern Family_ and one episode of _16 and pregnant_. _Imagine me and you _came on but my mom cleared her throat and changed the channel. I haven't told her but I know she knows. I don't know how she feels but I guess things like that are a bit of an indication. It's not like I care. It's not like it matters. I don't even want a girlfriend so it's not like it's even an actual issue.

Then Quinn's mom called and told her to come home ASAP and when she left; my mom went to bed. I was pretty tired too but I had to go for a run and take a shower before I could let myself sleep. It took longer than I planned so I got to bed at 2am and I had to wake up early because I always run in the morning as well.

I'm having breakfast today. I haven't had anything to eat since Sunday dinner. Whenever dad doesn't come home on Sundays we go to my Abuela for dinner. I love my Abuela but I hate dinners there because she always tries to make me eat so much and it's impossible to argue with her. I ate a piece of chicken and as little of the rice as I dared. But it was a lot more than I should have eaten so I decided to not eat anything yesterday and I hadn't. It was easy. Most of yesterday I still felt full. It took forever until I got hungry. But I'm finally hungry. It's almost a shame to eat breakfast because I love feeling this empty. However, breakfast is part of today's plan and I always have to stick to the plan.

I fill the pot with cold water and plop the egg in there before putting it on the stove to boil. There's a bead of sweat tickling my forehead but I don't bother to wipe it off. I like it there. It's proof that I burned calories. I like, or I_ least hate_, to eat after working out. I keep my sweats on and everything just to enhance the feeling that I've already gotten rid of the calories I'm about to eat. It makes me want to kill myself a little less.

While it's cooking I keep working out. Right there on the kitchen floor. I do some push ups but I have to do them on my knees after just 4. I used to be able to do at least 20 but I've gotten weaker. I do some sit ups too. With my shirt hiked up I stare down at my stomach and watch as the fat folds with each crunch. The timer goes off telling me that the egg is done. I always boil it hard. That way it's easier to remove the yoke. I would never eat the yoke. That's where all the bad stuff is. The white is almost just water and protein.

The first bite is the hardest. Actually, chewing isn't that hard. It tastes pretty good; with a bit of salt it's even better but salt makes you bloat and I already have too much fat to afford bloating. The point is, having it in my mouth is okay. Sometimes when I'm really craving something I put it in my mouth and chew it. Then I spit it out. It's only possible with certain foods so that you don't accidentally swallow. Swallowing is the worst part. Feeling it go down my throat. Everything I hate the most in this world sliding down and becoming part of me. It's gross. It makes me want to throw up. My gag reflex has become really sensitive. That's why I prefer eating alone because a lot of the times it's hard not to gag.

My mom has already gone to work and Quinn won't be here yet. The more bites I take though, the more normal it feels to eat. That's why I try to never let a meal be more than 10 mouthfuls. If eating becomes easy I might want to do it more. Staying away from food is easy because it makes me feel gross, yes, but also because it's physically unpleasant for me. It's like I've programmed my body to hate it as much as my mind does. I need to keep it that way and it requires care, because it can slip through my fingers _so_ easily.

An egg is three mouthfuls tops, so it's fine. The last bite tastes good though. It's like someone is trying to trick me to eat more by always letting the last bite taste so good. But I'm not gonna cook another egg. One is more than enough for today and I have more discipline than that. I hide the yoke in the trash and run up to my room; extra high steps because it burns more calories.

I shower quickly to give myself more time in front of the mirror. I stand there naked, my disgusting body staring back at me but I'm focusing more on my face today. I look tired. I'm a little puffy under my eyes and my lids are little too hooded. If I make an effort to open them more; I look like an idiot. Tonight was the night of all nights to not get enough sleep? I'm talking to Brittany today. At least I was going to, but I don't want to if I look like crap. Maybe I shouldn't? No, I should. She looked sad yesterday so I should make her feel better. No I shouldn't. Yes, you should. Or better not. But I want to. _Damn it._

* * *

The whole morning and car ride to school I try to make up my mind about whether or not to talk to Brittany. Logic and reason on one side of the boxing ring and my guilty conscience and that little voice that keeps calling Brittany cute in my head on the other. It seems to be a forever ongoing fight but then the universe decides for me the minute I get to school. It only takes three steps down the hallway before I see her. I stop and just look at her like a creepy stalker.

There she is by her locker. She has a bottom locker. Who has a bottom locker? No one, except losers like Artie McCripplepants. She's squatting in front of it, with half her body practically inside. From her body language she seems a little frustrated and she's surrounded by books and papers, more of it pouring out by the second. She sighs and shifts from squatting to sitting on her butt in the middle of the mess she has made. I take a few steps closer.

"Need help?" I chirp a lot happier than I meant to. I can't help that she's all cute and angry on the floor in a busy hallway. She looks up at me sighs again.

"I can't find my Spanish homework… My uncle's goat helped me with it yesterday and maybe he ate it... Either that or Lord Tubbington stole it to sell it on the black market." She speaks quickly but not in an excited way. She sounds defeated. Her gaze falls to stare into her locker again and she fingers over the papers by her sides. Then her fingers curl up to fists and her head tilts back quickly to look back up at me.

"I'm mad at you." she states simply and then shifts again, to her knees this time and gathers everything scattered around her. She mumbles a continuation but I can't hear what she says. I barely have time to react before her locker closes and she stands up. She's cleared everything and is just hugging one book. She's pressing it against herself and I catch a glimpse of how it pushes her breasts up before she turns around.

"Brittany." I blurt. This keeps happening. She keeps walking away from me and I keep calling her name to make her stay. Oh yeah, I got game. I mean, just her name is such a smooth thing to say. Especially when I have nothing thought out to follow with. But at least she stops. My mouth gets dry and seconds are incredibly long; yet somehow too many pass by without me being able to move as muscle. She just looks at me and waits.

"Do you wanna...I mean, what are you doing after school?" The words stick to inside my throat and I have to force them out. My cheeks get really warm and I feel like such a loser. But the corners of her mouth twitch upwards. She has a little freckle right out there just above, almost on, her upper lip. I bring my hand up to touch it but when I see what the hell my hand is doing I pull it back and scratch my shoulder instead; trying to pretend that's what I meant to do the whole time. Her lips form a full smile and for a moment I almost don't care how much I suck and how embarrassed I am.

"I... I don't know yet." She says slowly. She gives a small shrug and bites her lower lip. I almost forget how to speak as my eyes fix on where her teeth meet the pink of her lip.

"Me neither. We could... do something together?" I suggest carefully, still looking at her lips because I'm too scared of what her eyes might say.

"I could help with your Spanish." I add quickly to make it more casual. It calms my heart somewhat until I see the smirk forming on her face. It makes my heart beat hard and so high up it feels like if I cough now; I'll cough it up.

"I'll think about it." She breezes and floats down the hallway away from me. She moves really well. I already knew that. I watch until she's gone and try to grasp what just happened. One, I made a fool out of myself. Two, I'm an idiot. Three… she'll think about it.

* * *

I tap my foot against the floor. My eye lids are really heavy so it's the only thing keeping me awake. Brittany said she'd think about it. She said she would, but she hasn't found me to give me an answer. This is the last class of the day. After this she'll probably go home and blow me off. I scribble 'rejected' in my notebook and then cross it out. I thought she wanted to be my friend. It's not like _I_ need _her._ I just wanted to be nice because of yesterday. Whatever. Just... whatever. Suddenly I feel a strong hand on my thigh, pressing it down and hindering my tapping. I look down and see long, slim man-fingers.

"Get your chicken claw off me." I hiss and grab his upper arm to pry the hand away. Sebastian smirks at me and grips so tight it hurts. I'm not about to let him see me wince.

"You like it when I touch you, Lopez." He says hoarsely and wiggles his eyebrows. I roll my eyes. I hesitate but move to grab his wrist instead. I can feel from how warm his skin feels that my hand is really cold. I can't believe I'm even touching his skin with my hands but I want him off me, now. He's stronger than me though and still doesn't budge.

"I'd rather eat my own vomit then be touched by you so let go off me before I crush those gooseberries you call your balls." I say calmly. Keeping calm is really hard because I hate him so much! I might even hate him more than Finn. But screaming at him doesn't work. It never has. He's like the annoying little brother I never wanted; a very perverted little brother at that. I dig my nails deep into the inside of his wrist and scratch him.

"Fucking shit, Santana!" He hisses and jerks away from me. "I'm fucking bleeding!" He adds, looking at his wrist with a horrified expression. I look at my nails and see some blood under them. The teacher clears his throat but then the bell rings and I'm out of there before I can be held back for another attitude-problem-correction-session. Tears are burning in my eyes. Tears I don't need anyone to see. In fact; it's essential that no one sees them.

God, I hate when Sebastian gets to me. With everything that's happened between us he still has some power over me and he knows it. My steps are fast but I don't run. Running is for losers. Running is for weak people. I'm not weak.

"Santana!" someone calls behind me. Oh god not now. I pretend I don't hear; ignoring people is not out of character for me and I really can't face anyone right now.

"Hey, San?" I hear again. Is that... Brittany? I want to turn around as check but my feet keep moving me forward. I punch the door the girl's bathroom room open and the two standing there leave upon seeing me. I turn the faucet on and wash my hands frantically. I don't want him on my hands. I add more soap and rub my hands harder together. My skin is stinging under the cold water but I keep them there. I wish I could take back what happened junior year. I wish I-

"San, why are you- ?"

My head shoots automatically in the direction of the person addressing me. Seeing Brittany's face in the doorway makes one tear heavy enough for gravity to take it and force it down my cheek. I instantly turn my head away from her again and add even more soap.

"You're sad." She whispers. She steps inside and closes the door so quietly I don't even hear it. She pulls out a whole bunch of paper towels from the dispenser and holding them in one hand she turns the water off with the other. Instead of handing me the paper towels she wraps them around my hands and dries them for me. It's good to be out of the freezing stream and her warmth around my cold makes the hairs on my arms stand up. She's looking at my face but I don't look back.

I stare at how her digits move affectionately over mine; careful not to miss a single bead of water. When she's done she stops moving but keeps holding my hands. If the papers hadn't covered my skin, I would have pulled away but now I let her hold them. She lifts her thumb and strokes it curiously over the roundish bone slightly sticking out on the outside of my wrist. Her touch is light like a feather and if I hadn't been watching maybe I hadn't even noticed.

"I don't like when you're sad." She whispers quietly as her thumbs strokes over the same spot again. It seems to be a habit of hers; whispering when she is really close to me. Maybe she knows the words don't have to be loud to reach me. I feel my face soften. She doesn't like it when I'm sad. Maybe right now; she feels bad for me the way I couldn't stop feeling bad for her yesterday. It wasn't pity or anything. I just… I really wanted be the person to make her smile again.

"I don't like it when you're sad either." I whisper back and finally tilt my head up enough to meet her eyes. They were closer than I thought they'd be and my heart skips a beat. I almost shrug back to be at a safer distance but then I see a tiny bit of her smile that makes me forget everything else and I smile back because that's all I can think to do when she's so close.

"Let's not be sad then." She says, still quietly but not enough to be a whisper. I swallow hard and open my mouth to say something back. I can't think of anything good so I close it again. All I can think about is how her thumb is still stroking me and how her smile is beaming at me and her eyes are piercing through me and how I feel her breath ghost against my left cheek when she lets it out through her mouth.

"Do you wanna be _not_ sad together today?" She asks me gingerly after seconds of me not saying anything. I feel my whole inside turn warm. I also feel my eyes brighten but I don't want her to see it so I let them flicker to my mirror reflection and then back at her, hoping they look casual enough.

"Okay." I croak out. Damn it! I should have spoken sooner and it wouldn't have come out sounding so raspy and ugly. Why do I always have to embarrass myself in front of her? How does she even do that to me? She leans closer and my head flinches back. We're already close. She stops and glances sideways to find my eyes glancing back. Her eyes are warm and comforting and just from looking into them I can tell that she's smiling.

Then she leans forward again. This time I stand frozen and tense, holding my breath and closing my eyes. Her lips press softly against my jaw line right where the tear from earlier had pooled. Her nose brushes against my cheek and then just as quickly as it happened; she pulls back. She giggles. I realize my eyes are still closed and I'm even feeling a little light headed, like I'm about to fall, so I force them open. There's a spot on her lip that shimmers from being wet.

She's really beautiful.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hi, all ma' peeps in da hood, yo! So we're on chapter 6 and I know people might want a kiss to happen right around yesterday, and believe me; I want that too. Looking at my track record we can see I like to lead with the smut but I just want to keep this as realistic as possible… so hang in there. _

_Also, someone said they wanted Brittany's POV and don't worry, I already have that all planned out. Since this is kind of a Santana centric fic it might be a couple of more chapters (say 3?) before that happens but it will!_

* * *

**CHAPTER 6**

* * *

We're walking next to each other. I've only ever walked with her one other time before but we're making a habit of walking really closely. It just happens. Like magnets. The spot on my jaw where she kissed me still tingles. With every step I take it sends little tiny prickles to right there. Before when she wasn't looking I touched it. I just felt like I really wanted to so I touched it with my index finger. Then I looked at it like I would see the kiss there. Silly.

Brittany licks her lips again. I think they're dry or something because she's been doing it every so often since we started walking. I feel around in my pocket for my chapstick and pull it out. It's my Fanta flavoured one and seeing it makes me hesitate. That's so not cool. I like it because it tastes like something. It's like candy but without massive amounts of calories.

If I just use it then she'll see and if she wants it she'll probably ask for it and I can give her some. That way I don't have to offer and have her say no in case she doesn't want it. I lift it to my mouth, doing two laps around my lips instead of one just because I always do it like that. I smell it first and then I can taste a hint of it in my mouth.

"I have the Coca-Cola kind." She says, her head slightly turned in my direction and her eyes on my lips despite the fact that the chapstick is in my hand which has now fallen to my side.

"D'you want some?" I hold it out to her and she nods excitedly. I smile as I hand it over. That went well. It's hard not to watch when she drags it over her lips slowly. She smacks her lips when she's done and gives it back to me.

"Where are we going?" I ask her and look around. I think I know this neighbourhood but I haven't been here much. She stops.

"I thought you knew?" She says as her brows furrow and she looks a little puzzled.

"I was following you." I tilt my head and narrow my eyes. She seemed to know where she was going so I just went with it.

"I was following you." She giggles with her head tilted to the other side. She narrows her eyes. Is she trying to copy me? I scratch my chin and watch her do the same. She looks really cute so I chuckle. I take a step forward and when she takes an identical one; we're practically pressing up against each other. I wonder why in the world I would do something like that. I back up quickly again. Shake it off, just shake it off.

"Okay, no worries, we'll just… D'you wanna go to my house?" I ask because I know my parents won't be home. Her shoulders shrug but her head nods and her smile grows. I don't know what to make of it but I start walking again. She follows quietly. There's a tension. I can't tell if I'm the only one feeling it or if it's really there but it's making me uncomfortable. I still feel her breast pressing against mine, our stomachs grazing and her thighs brushing against me even though she's not there anymore. I wonder if every time she touches me it's gonna linger like this? I clear my throat.

"So how's school treating you so far?" I ask casually. It sounds ridiculous in my head but it was the only thing I could think of at the moment and I desperately needed us to talk about something.

"It's different." She nods as she says it.

"Good different?" I ask tentatively. I'm nervous now. I want things to be good for her.

"Mostly." She breezes. It sounds light and happy so I believe her.

"Good." I say with a determined nod. She nudges my side and giggles. I still haven't figured out how she's able to giggle so much without pissing me off because no one else has ever succeeded with such a task - ever. We walk in silence again and it takes almost 20 minutes to get to my house. It's quite a while away from school but luckily we had been walking almost in the right direction before so it didn't take as long. The closer we got to my house the wider Brittany's got and she looked around curiously at all the large houses. I just looked at her looking because she was so adorable.

"I still can't believe you live here." She breathes as I open the front door to my house and hold it open, like a gentleman, so she can walk in first.

"You have a pool and everything." She sounds so excited about it and it's contagious. I had almost forgotten that my house was huge and fancy with a pool and a Jacuzzi and one of those cinema theater rooms. My brother begged my dad for one after watching countless episodes of Cribs. I think he has watched three movies in there in total. I guess you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone, or until someone as bubbly as Brittany reminds you.

"I do!" I grin as I take my jacket off. Brittany sits down to untie her shoelaces. We have a sofa right there and still she sits down on the floor. I have laces on my shoes too but I can't be bothered to actually untie them until I need to use them the next time so I just step on my heel and pull until my foot is loose and then I do the same with the next.

"In summer… can I swim in it?" Brittany asks. It sounds casual but still I freeze a little. In summer? Like months away? As in we'll still be hanging out then?

"Sure you can." I chirp and take a few demonstrative steps further inside to make her hurry up with those laces. She finishes and hops up to stand right in front of me and looks at me expectantly. Right. I'm the hostess. What the hell are we gonna do now?

"Uhm… do you want a tour or just go up to my room?" I look around. A tour? I offered her a tour? I hope she doesn't want it. Most rooms are boring anyways. They're so… grown up.

"I wanna see your room." She beams. We walk up the stairs and I try to be quick so I can peek in my room before letting her see it but she picks up the same pace and doesn't leave my side. I take a breath with my hand on the knob and hope it's not a mess in there. I normally don't like messes but they always manage to find a way to form anyway.

Phew, it's fine. Just a pair of jeans on the floor that I hurry to pick up and throw in my closet. Brittany sets down her bag and takes a look around. She's smiling until her eyes wander over a part of my wall covered in photos. Most of them have me and my brother or me and Quinn.

"So, Quinn's like your best friend?" She asks; her voice a little sullen and her eyes on one photo in particular where my lips are pressed hard against Quinn's cheek. It was taken freshman year of high school. Back then things were different. Quinn and I have been best friends since forever so we were already close, but everything was different.

We were so little and innocent. High school was exciting. We were happy and carefree and I remember laughing so much with her that my face would hurt most nights when we said good bye. We talked all the time about everything and now I can't even tell her about my day without being uncomfortable. We still smile but mostly we don't have anything to smile about so it's usually just for show. If not trick everyone around us, then to calm and comfort each other. I can't tell anymore. Which smiles are real and which are fake? I know that with Brittany… sometimes I can't hold a smile back, so those have to be real… right?

It's funny comparing then with now. Everything didn't change overnight but remembering then; thinking about now; it feels like someone just flipped our lives upside down. I don't remember the in between; how it happened. It just is. One day we'll be back to how it was back then. I know we will. We just have to finish this first. It's not that much further. Just a little while longer.

"Yeah, I guess she is." I answer finally and shrug. I don't really wanna talks about it but the expression in Brittany's face is saying something I can't read. I can never read her. I never know what she's thinking and it bugs the crap out of me.

"Why? You don't like her or something?" I snap and finally drop my backpack; the thudding sound it makes adds to the sense of me being angry. I'm not, it's just... Quinn's my homegirl.

"She doesn't like me." Brittany mumbles and peels her eyes off the wall. They flicker around hesitantly until they land on my bed and she slowly moves to sit down on it. She rubs her palms against her jeans on the sides of her thighs and she kind of looks like she wants to go home again.

"How d'you know?" I ask gently. She looks up at me; her eyes taking a longer way over my body than necessary. It makes me want to change clothes because I really hate this uniform! I can't leave though, and I'm not about to undress in front of her so I just grab a hoodie and pull it over my head. It's one of my brother's Harvard ones and it's really big. Brittany is fidgeting with her hands and looking intently at how her nails on one hand scratch over the pads of her fingertips on the other.

"For real, has she been mean to you?" I ask with skepticism and curiosity. It doesn't sound completely unlike Quinn but I don't want it to be true. If Quinn doesn't like her then I don't know where that leaves me and Brittany. It's not that I answer to Quinn or anything, it's just that she's like… all I have and if I have to choose; I can't not choose her. At the same time my insides twist at the thought of someone being mean to Brittany. I told her she should come to me if anything bad started happening here and I don't want to let her down.

"She rolls her eyes at me and calls me stupid sometimes." Brittany sighs. "During class if I get the answers wrong or if I don't know them." Brittany shakes her head as if telling herself that she's silly for telling me or as if she's telling herself that she_ is_ stupid. I can't tell.

"She shouldn't do that." I say firmly. I know I have no right to make a statement like that. I spend most of my time in school making people feel as small as Brittany is looking right now and I don't spend a second regretting it. What makes her different? What makes me so concerned about her well being? Brittany's orbs are piercing through the air and stabbing mine. They're shinier than usual. Shit.

"Are you gonna cry? Because if you are I don't know how to... be." I blurt and squirm uncomfortably; hoping to find some sort of distraction. I've never been good with people who cry. I can't say the right thing or even be quiet support. I just shut down.

"My dad hugs me when I cry." She murmurs and even though her eyes are still watery there's a tiny, skew smile pulling at her lips. She wants me to hug her? I guess… I can do that…

"Oh-kay." I breathe and step closer. I'm standing. She's sitting. It's awkward and I stop. I just stand dumbly in front of her like I don't even know what a hug is. I can't even try to hug someone without messing it up. Stupid idiot.

I see her leg muscles flex and before I know it she's standing too. But she's just standing. Her arms are hanging limply by her sides and her head is tilted forward slightly as her eyes peer up coyly. She's waiting for me to hug her. She's taller so I should let her arms be on top but I don't. I move a strand of hair from her face to behind her ear and then my hand snakes to the back of her neck and I begin pulling her closer; my other arm flings around her neck as well. Her arms get caught in my big hoodie as se tries to wrap around me but when she manages to get her hands to my back; she squeezes tight.

She buries her face in the crook of my neck and I do the same in hers. She smells good. Like summer and Christmas at the same time. Like sunshine and moonlight, like the ocean and the forest. I don't even know what that scent would be called. She smells like... happy would smell. She nuzzles; wiggling her face back and forth a little until she has pushed the fabric of my hoodie away and her nose grazes against the skin on my neck. I hold my breath. I'm afraid if I move she'll pull away. She doesn't. She holds on really tight for a long time. I'm not sure but I think I even feel her arms trembling from holding so tight.

Then when I _have _to take a breath I'm more afraid that it won't fit because she's squeezed the space away. I like it. I haven't hugged anyone in so long. My mom and I don't hug. Quinn and I don't either. Sometimes when my dad is home he'll pat me on the shoulder. Those times are amazing. For my sweet sixteen he kissed my forehead. It's the only time he's ever kissed me and it was almost two years ago but I still think that's the happiest day of my life.

I almost feel like I want to cry but Brittany seeing one tear on my cheek is more than enough for a life time.

"I thought we said we wouldn't be sad today." I joke and a breeze tickles my skin as she lets out an airy chuckle.

"Sorry." She whispers and moves back. The whole crook of my neck is shooting with tingles where her face rested. My body is probably never going to get used to her touching it.

"What did I just say?" I tease and raise an eyebrow. She opens her mouth playfully but I think she was gonna say _sorry_ again because it closes and she just nods. I realize she has pulled away completely and her arms have drawn back while mine are still on her shoulders. I take them back and nod too. They slap against my sides.

"So… what do you wanna do?"

...

I've always been one of those people who when asked: _"what do you wanna do?"_ - I have no good response. Even if there are a million things I wanna do; my mind goes completely blank and I can't think of a single thing. Like when someone asks me to say something in Spanish. It's not that I don't know how to speak, I'm almost fluent, but when someone asks be to say something there seem to be no words. I quickly learned that Brittany wasn't like that. At all. The second I asked her; her face lit up and ideas started pouring out of her.

Her first was to bake muffins but I quickly, and casually, dismissed it with some lame excuse about not having the energy to do the dishes afterwards. She pouted for three seconds before suggesting we build a tree house. I told her we could, but maybe some other day when we had like… wood and stuff. She also wanted to dress up and go trick or treating and she almost persuaded me but in the end I just couldn't. It is only April after all.

She said she was hungry and I let her make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She asked me why I wasn't eating and I told her my tummy hurt. After that her ideas included calmer activities. She suggested drawing shapes on each other's backs and guessing what they were. She called it _"Draw Something – The Next Level"._ Then she took my phone and installed the actual _Draw Something_ on it and added herself. I tried it but she couldn't guess my first one so I called it a stupid game which made her pout so I said it wasn't _that _dumb. Then she wanted to make the room really dark and tell scary stories and she also suggested knitting socks for the homeless.

Even with all that we still somehow ended up on the couch in front of the TV, watching One Tree Hill. At least we started watching that but now the voices sounded different. I don't know how, but my head ended up in her lap and after a while her fingers tugged at my pony tail and she started playing with my hair. I closed my eyes and only meant to rest them for a second but now I'm almost sleeping. Her fingers are still in my hair; running through it, stroking over it, scratching my scalp. It's very ambiguous. On the one hand it's really soothing and makes me even more tired, but on the other it feels really good and if she hadn't been touching me I wouldn't force myself to still be awake so I can feel it a little while longer.

"Santana." She whispers. I'm too tired to respond so instead I just pretend I've already fallen asleep.

"Are you sleeping?" She keeps whispering. I wonder why because the TV is pretty loud and if I managed to fall asleep despite of that; her voice isn't going to wake me up. But it's sweet that she cares enough to whisper. It's almost hard to keep down a smile but sleeping people don't suddenly smile when someone talks to them so I have to.

"I just wanted to say that I liked today…" Her finger untangles from my hair and instead she starts tracing shapes really softly on the side of my face. It kind of tickles but sleeping people don't twitch.

"… and I like you."


	8. Chapter 8

So today was pride. Regnbågsparaden. **Best. Day. Ever.** So I'm updating because I'm so happy. And also because I said I would _(on tumblr)_ and I can't disappoint. I mean... I probably can, but I'm always trying not to.

But oh though... this chapter might be a little angsty

* * *

**CHAPTER 7**

* * *

I see her. By her locker. I've been standing here for a while now. I think I can definitely be defined as a stalker nowadays. She's just so adorable on the floor with things scattered all around her and she looks so confused. I wonder how her room looks if this is the kind of mess she manages to create on a hallway floor pretty much every day. She starts gathering her things and stuffing them back in there. I sweep closer.

"Hi." I try to keep my voice from shaking but she does something to my ability to speak. She looks up and stands quickly; leaving the now cleared floor but her locker open.

"Hey!" The second our eyes meet her face lights up and she smiles; making the _"hey"_ echo in my ears. She sounds happy and I like that. Then her brows furrow just a little.

"You okay?" She asks tenderly. Oh, I didn't even realize I was looking like I wasn't. I am. I mean, I _really_ am. I'm just nervous.

"Yeah, yeah great!" I dismiss casually and smile. She smiles too, but it's more like half smile, half pursing her lips like she's trying to hold it back but she can't. It makes her cheeks a little tense and rounder under her eyes. She's so cute. Okay, staring. I clear my throat.

"I had a good time yesterday." I say carefully. Understatement to say the least. I spent most of last night awake and thinking about her. Thinking about her telling me she likes me. She doesn't know I heard. But I know I did. I didn't dream it; she really said it. I know she thought I was sleeping for real though. I know because when she was done making little shapes on the side of my face she traced over my jaw line to my lips. That was really ticklish and it was difficult to pretend to be asleep while she did that. The pads of her fingertips are really soft. Even when she pressed two fingers against my lips a little harder it was still soft.

When she woke me up, or rather when she thought she was waking me up, she did so by cooing my name gently and rubbing my arm up and down. I stretched and growled a little which made her giggle and then when I rubbed my eyes and opened them she had this really sneaky smile on her lips. Like she was thinking about what she had just done to me like I didn't know. Her eyes fall to my lips for a second now and a hint of that smile comes out.

"Yeah me too." She says cagily. I take a deep breath.

"We could... Do it again? Some time? If you want?" It's not stuttering but it's close. I'm pathetic. This sounds so lame. How is she going to agree to this?

"I'd love to." She beams and closes her locker with her foot. "Some time." She adds with a wink and brushes a piece of lint off my shoulder before semi-skipping past me to get to whatever class she has now.

Apart from the tingles shooting in my shoulder that gives me nothing. _Some time?_ What does that even mean? I mean I can't... I can't ask again. I wanted her to say today, or tomorrow, or any and every day of this week. It's all my fault. I should have just asked _"wanna do it again?" _and then she could have said _"I'd love to"_ and I could have asked when and she could have told me a specific day so I'd know how to plan shit out. Dammit!

* * *

I'm jealous of Quinn. She's in Brittany's class. She gets to be in the same room as her for several hours of the day. If I were in Brittany's class I'd get a seat behind her. Not too far back though, but maybe to the side a bit so if she turned her head to me I'd see her face and her smile and if I didn't look away from embarrassment our eyes could meet and she could giggle. Then the teacher would tell her to be quiet so she'd quickly turn her head back to face the board but she would still feel my eyes on her and give me little knowing glances over her shoulder throughout the lesson. That's what I would do. But, I'm stuck in here with the Hobbit, Asian number one and Asian number two.

"Berry, will you shut the fuck up already?" I half sigh, half grunt and slam my palm against the desk. Mrs. Hagberg had copied the wrong tests for us and had to go make the right ones so we've been left alone for a couple of minutes and it took Rachel no more than two seconds to start singing.

"Santana, you're being unreasonable. Rachel's one of a kind." Mike says and smiles at Rachel as encouragement for her to continue. Rachel looks pleased with herself while Tina's eyes widen slightly.

"Mike…" I start and use the same condescending tone he took while saying my name. "While I find this love affair between you and Dwarfchel adoooorable…" I continue with sarcasm in my voice and a smirk on my face. "… you do realize your _girlfriend_ is sitting right there?" I continue and smile at Tina. I've always sort of liked her. She never says much. Sometimes she gets weepy and that's annoying but she's never in the way. She crosses her arms over her chest and turns around from Mike best she can in her chair. It's like I just gave her the right to be mad at him.

Mrs. Hagberg returns with a new stack of papers in her hands and wastes no time handing them out. I didn't study enough for this test. I've had other things on my mind lately. At least it makes Rachel zip it so I guess something good came out of it. I look the first question and I'm so fucked. I sigh loudly and look out the window. That's interesting. Absolutely _nothing_ is happening out there. Okay, question two. Nope… definitely failing this test. Oh question seven, maybe I know this. I start writing but then something distracts me. Movement; in the corner of my eye. I look out the window again and Sebastian's there. Urhg, vomit. And he's smoking so it's like double vomit. He always did taste of smoke.

Sometimes I smoke cigars with my dad. The cigar itself doesn't do much for me, it's kind of gross, but I still love it because it's time with my dad. Actual time with him. Sure he doesn't say much or even look at me most of the time but he's right there; being with me, for the duration of one whole cigar.

Sebastian turns his back to the window. Fine by me. I focus on the test again. I definitely know question ten. I write until my hand cramps. The more it hurts the more calories it's gotta burn right? Sebastian is talking to someone. I can't see their face. It's probably some stupid, blonde bim- Brittany? Sebastian steps to the side slightly and I see her. It's definitely her. It's not like I have her face and body memorized or anything… but that's her.

Why is she out there? Is she skipping class? Why is she talking to him? Why? She's giggling. I know she's giggling because I recognize how her cheeks tense like that and her collar bones come out just a little when her shoulders shake. He's making her giggle?

"Ms. Lopez, eyes on your test." Mrs. Hagberg tells me sternly. I can't _not _look now. Brittany is talking to Sebastian. Sebastian!

I keep glancing, trying to catch as much of them as I can in the corner of my eye. I see him putting his hand on her shoulder and I can't help that I turn back to look at them head on. It's there. On her shoulder. His fingers slightly stroking up and down. This is making me nauseous. More so than all the food in the world. More than chocolate, or peanuts, or chips or butter.

"Ms. Lopez. Eyes on your own exam." Mrs. Hagberg says again. I look at the sheet of paper and then out the window again.

"This is bullshit." I murmur and stand up. The chair scrapes louder against the floor than I expected. Than anyone expected. Everyone is looking at me as I walk out. Shit, shit, shit. What is this? Why is my skin crawling and my blood boiling? Why do I want to kick something until my foot falls off? Punch something until my knuckles bleed? Scream until my voice gives out?

I walk fast down the hallway. Almost like flying. I think my wrist almost broke when I pushed through the door out. Pain pulsates through it with every time my foot hits the ground. I pick up the pace more and run. Like a loser. But I don't care. Quicker steps mean more frequent shots of pain to my wrist. I keep going faster until it feels like constant pain. It's all I can focus on and it's nice. It's nice to take my mind off everything else.

My vision goes a little blurry and I can't really see where I'm going anymore. The world is sort of spinning in my head. It makes me dizzy. I keep running until my legs hurt and when I think they might cave in under me I keep going until they actually do. I stagger, I know I'm falling and I close my eyes because I can't see anything anyways. My knees hit the ground first. My left one lands much softer than the right and when the rest of my body tumbles down in a roll; I feel myself lying on grass. I open my eyes slowly and greet the blue sky above. It's stingingly bright so I squint. My wrist hurts, my knee hurts, the side of my arm burns a little and now my eyes are hurting too.

Sitting up again makes the dizziness return. I look around to see where the hell I am. I'm in someone's garden. Right next to the pavement which has a spot of blood on it. A glance at my knee and I've already found the source of it. Shit, it's really bleeding. The other one is just reddish, slightly covered in green from the grass and doesn't even hurt in comparison. My arm has got a couple of scratches but mostly that's just red too.

I need to get out of here. I need to leave before someone sees me. I take a look around before being anything but graceful as I stand up. At least I ran in the right direction. My house is like five minutes from here. Maybe ten with this limp. When I walk the pain slowly fades and as it does Brittany and Sebastian seep into my brain again. I wish they would just go away. I slam my wrist against someone's fence. It hurts like fuck and helps. I dig a nail into the wound on my knee and wince. Holy fucking fuck! Pain, pain, pain, pain, Brit- SMACK - pain, pain, pain…

I get to my house. There's a car in the driveway but that means nothing. Dad has two cars. One that's for driving even though he rarely drives. He usually just takes a cab to and from the airport. The other car is in our basement and just for looking at. We had it in the garage before but junior year Quinn and I had been drinking a little and I wanted to take it for a spin so... Crashed it into a pole. My dad was so mad. I don't think he's ever been angrier with me than that time. He didn't say anything. We were already not very talkative so I guess that wasn't so different but he refused to even look at me for weeks. It was like I didn't exist. Now that car is in the basement.

My mom has a huge SUV, and then there's my car. It's some type of sports car; I don't even know what brand because I couldn't care less. All I know is it has a steering wheel and no back seat. I don't really drive it anymore though so my mom has kind of adopted it. I think she likes to show up to work with that one rather than her housewife car.

I open the front door.

"Daaaaad?" I call out as loudly as my shaky voice can muster. I remember this hopeful feeling. I used to have it all the time when I came home from schools a kid. Every day I hoped he'd be there and on the walk to my house I somehow managed to make myself believe he would be. Of course he never was, and of course he isn't now.

"Moooooom?" I try instead. No answer. "Mamá?" Just to make sure I call for her again; throwing in a bit of a Spanish accent because I know she likes when I speak like that. Like her, I guess. But there's no answer. I sink down on the couch to untie my shoes. I know it'll take forever but I don't think I have enough energy to pull my feet out of them this time because they're laced pretty tight.

My fingers are slightly shaking as I try to concentrate on the strings but my mind keeps going places. I go there too.

I keep my hand on the handle for probably a full five minutes, my mind screaming at me; don't! But I do it. I open the fridge. I open the fridge without a plan. I can open the fridge if I know what I'm taking out and exactly how much, but I never open the fridge like this. Aimlessly. I stare at the things in there. There's milk, butter, different cheeses, loads of leftovers, eggs, vegetables, brownies... I bite my lip and my fingers ghost over the saran wrap covering the plate of chocolate treats. Everything inside me is telling me how wrong this is.

The doorbell rings and startles me. Oh thank god. I slam the fridge shut and scurry back through my house. I don't care who it is I'm just happy this person could distract me from-

"Brittany?" The door is already open, I must have left it that way, and Brittany is standing in it.

"You- I mean I... I mean you forgot your backpack at school. Quinn told me the teacher gave it to her and that I should bring it to you after school because she already had plans with her boyfriend." Brittany rambles and takes a few uncertain steps inside, holding my backpack up like a shield.

"But school's not over?" I question as I hesitantly. She doesn't say anything. She just keeps holding my backpack up and waits for me to take it. It's heavy. I should know because I carry it every single day but her arm isn't even trembling a little. She must be really, really strong.

"You should be in Cheerios practice." I add because seeing the time makes me realize that it started 10 minutes ago and Sue's gonna kill me.

"So should you." She retorts softly. She sounds concerned. She doesn't have to pretend like she actually cares.

"Well, I'm not." I say with a shrug. She shrugs too.

"Me neither."

"Fine…" I'm not sure what she wants right now. Who am I kidding? I never know what she wants, but clearly it's not me and I was so stupid for thinking so. Even for a second. She smiles and then her eyes drop and widen.

"Oh my God, Santana! You're bleeding!" She exclaims and drops my backpack. She rushes forward a couple of more steps. I look down and see a long trail of blood from my knee all along my shin and down to where it has sort of pooled and dried around my ankle. It looks a lot worse than it is.

"Uhm yeah... I uh fell." I try to think of a good lie but nothing comes to mind. She doesn't seem very interested in my explanation anyways as she ushers me further inside in search of somewhere to sit me down. She presses on my shoulders to force me down on the couch in the living room. The one in the hallway would have been closer but I'm good here. This way she touched me. For several lingering seconds.

"Do you have stuff to clean it with?" She asks hurriedly. I feel like we're on Grey's Anatomy. I'm two seconds away from dropping dead and she's the doctor desperately trying to save me.

"Yeah, I'll get it..." I say and try to stand up but her hands fly to my shoulders and push me down again. Too many tingles for me to handle.

"Just tell me where it is and I'll get it." She's gentle but stern so I just point to the bathroom door and watch her slip in there for a second. I can hear something falling to the floor and shortly after her voice calls.

_"Nothing happened!"_

I chuckle but don't call anything back. It's easier having her on my mind when she's here. It's different. It doesn't hurt. Pretty soon she returns with a whole bunch of things in her arms. I didn't even know we had half that stuff.

She starts by rubbing a wet towel over my leg to wash away the old blood. That's gross. I could do that. I try to take it from her but she sees my hand going for it and pulls back. She holds it away from me until my hand drops. When she starts again I try to steal it once more but she pulls away.

"Santana." She warns seriously. I sigh, but oblige. I close my eyes as she touches me. I feel her fingers through the towel. I wish they could be on my skin. No, I take that back. My skin is bloody so she would think I was disgusting and then she would never want to touch me again. And I like when she touches me. She moves higher and then something stings like fuck.

"Holy ouch!" I call out and my eyes shoot open. She looks terrified and get hand jerks away from my knee.

"I'm so sorry." She says weakly and shakes her head apologetically. "I didn't mean to come so close." She puts away the towel and folds her hands in her lap, where she's also planted her eyes.

"No, it's fine." I reassure and close my fist to not hug her cheek with my hand to comfort her. She dares to look up at me and I nod to emphasize that it's okay. "I was just unprepared."

"Do you want me to...?" She asks hesitantly and looks from my eyes to the wound. I nod for her to continue but this time I watch her closely. She picks up a cotton pad and soaks it before letting it circle the wound a couple of times. It was cold at first but it warms up quickly. She lingers there, just going round and round. Maybe she's trying to prepare me. Or herself.

I can't help but wince when she goes over the wound but it's better this time. I think it's because I'm watching. I'm not so much watching what her hands are doing as I watch her face while she does it. Her brows are knitted together with a deep concentrated wrinkle between them. Her eyes are focused under a shield of long lashes. She's not wearing make up on her face. Or at least I don't think she is because her eyelids and temples show thin, light turquoise veins and her cheeks look like skin... Just really smooth, delicate skin. _Don't touch her! _

Her head jerks up as if startled when the back of my index finger graces her high cheekbone. _I told you not to touch her!_

"Sorry." I whisper and close my fist next to her face so we're not in contact anymore. But I keep it there, in the air, right next to her. She searches for my eyes but I refuse to meet them. I can still see her smiling faintly before she looks down to my knee again and continues to clean it.

I can't believe I touched her. With my hand. On her skin. I'm such an idiot.

I watch her again. I can't help it. Her mouth is slightly open and I see a tiny strip of white from her teeth. She's trying so hard not to hurt me. But it does hurt. Every single motion of her fingers and the pad hurts. But it's not the same pain as before. Before I needed the pain, it was all I wanted to think about, I needed it to consume me. Now it's just there. Dulled, forgotten; it's there but it doesn't matter. Not as long as she keeps touching me.

I don't think she's breathing. There are no puffs of air coming from her nose or mouth and her chest is completely still. Suddenly she stops; her fingers move away from me and now I'm the one who can't breathe. But then they come back and smooth a patch over me knee. She lingers and then her hands slide to the bend of my knee. She dips her head down to press a kiss on the patch. It's fluffy and light; as of a cloud just kissed me. I make a sound. I don't know how I let it happen but a tiny noise escapes my throat. What do you even call that? A whimper? A... moan? It makes me want to dig my nails right back into my wound. But she just smiles. She can make anything okay with that smile.

"That's better." She states gently and her hands slide off me. They didn't have to go. They could have just stayed forever.

"Yeah. Thanks." I nod and bury my back deeper into the sofa cushion behind me. She stands up and I feel so tiny when she's looking down at me like that. Not like she makes me tiny, just like I am tiny and she can see it. She opens her mouth and think for sure she's gonna say good bye and leave.

"Do you want me to make you a snack? My dad always makes me snacks when I've hurt myself." The sparkle in her eyes when she talks about her dad almost make me fail to realize she just offered me food, but I answer almost as if automatically.

"No, I'm fine."

"You sure? I make really good hot chocolate?." She insists and I try to smile even though an uncomfortable feeling takes over my gut.

"I'd love to try it sometime but yeah, I'm good. I ate like right before you got here." Classic lie. Classic. Almost always effective.

"Okay..." She answers, just as I expected. No one continues if you tell them you've already eaten. Why would they? She looks around again. I don't think she wants to leave. I think she's trying to find a reason to stay. She looks to the spot next to me as if asking if she can sit there. I let my hand fall out of my lap and I tap the cushion with my finger twice before sliding it in under my thigh. If I would have been Brittany I would have never picked up on that but not to seconds later she sits down next to me. She's so smart. And brave.

"Can I hold your hand?" The question comes suddenly. It's quick but painful, like ripping off a band aid.

"No!" I say too quickly, too loudly, and she flinches. Uh-oh.

"Uh, I mean its cold and you… You wouldn't want to..." I try to explain but it comes out as barely audible mumbling. She keeps doing this. She keeps wanting me to do all the things I can't do. I should stay away from her. That's it. That's what I have to do. There's only one problem; how the fuck am I gonna do that?

"I could warm it for you" Her voice. It's so vulnerable. Like if I don't take her hand her heart might break. But my world might break if I do.

"Maybe..." I whisper. It's the best I can do right now. I can't handle it. If I take her hand and she decides she doesn't wanna take it ever again I can't handle that. I can handle everything else. But not that.

"I saw you talking to Sebastian." I blurt it. It sounds like I'm accusing her something. Maybe I am.

"Yeah, he's nice." She breezes and leans forward, looking down at her toes.

"He isn't n-" I protest but catch myself. "What did he want?" I ask instead. There's that accusing voice again. She should know what an asshole he is, but I can't tell her that without talking about me. She wiggles her toes as she drags out her answer.

"Heee asked me out."

"On a date?" Of course on a date, Santana. Don't be stupid.

"On Friday." Brittany nods.

"Oh." I breathe. Okay. I guess it was dumb of me to think that when she said she liked me that meant- I didn't even think that. This is...of course. Girls date boys and of course Brittany wants to date a boy.

"I said yes." She whispers. She's still staring at her feet. I'm relieved. If she would have been looking at me right now I might have died. Suddenly her upper body twists to me and her eyes meet mine and panic creeps up inside my gut.

"Unless you-" Is all she has time to utter before I shoot up from the sofa.

"Brittany, I have a lot to do with homework and other stuff. You should leave." I say matter of factly and take some demonstrative steps towards the door.

"Santana, if you-" She's frowning I know she means to say more but I can't let her. I pick up my backpack and hold it.

"Thanks for bringing me my backpack and everything." I say. She looks so confused but I don't waver. When she stands up and comes closer I back away.

"B-but-" She stutters.

"I'll see you tomorrow." I interrupt and run up to my room. A few moments later I hear the front door close. She's gone.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Last exam – check, done, finito, yes, over! **_

So that means I'm probably gonna start updating a little bit more frequently. I do start working on… Tuesday, but that gives me like four days of **just **writing and the best part of work? THERE ARE NO EXAMS TO STUDY FOR!

Summer can officially start. I'm ready. Hit me with it!

* * *

**CHAPTER 8**

* * *

I couldn't sleep last night. I could fall asleep but I kept dreaming and waking up. I dreamt about Brittany. I was with her and she hugged my cheek to kiss me and then slapped me instead. Or she would hold my waist to pull me in for a hug and then stab me instead.

When I woke up I wasn't mad at Brittany for hurting me. I was mad at myself for letting her hurt me. For letting myself believe she wouldn't stab me. People stab. Everybody stabs. I stab. Of course she stabs. The thing is; _the stupid, ridiculous thing is;_ I still wanted to fall back asleep to be with her again. Because being awake and not being with her was even worse than bleeding to death by her hand.

If I couldn't fall asleep for a little while then I would pick up my phone and watch her drawing on _Draw Something._ If I didn't type in the word I could just close the app and open it again to re-watch it. So I did. Over and over again. After a while I memorized how she drew it so I traced the lines with my finger as they happened while picturing her finger on the other side creating them. And then I wanted to kill myself for being such a loser.

I watch the clock as the minutes change.

**05.59**

**06.00**

My alarm goes off. I stare at it for a while before reaching out and turning it off. I secretly hope that by letting it go for a while it'll wake my dad and maybe he'll get up. He came home last night. I heard a car pulling up and when I went to the window I saw him getting out of a cab. He's always so handsome and he looks so important. He could dress like a bum and still look important. I got excited when I saw him. When I was younger and he came home that late he would go into my room. Sometimes he just watched me sleep for a while, sometimes he tucked me in, and sometimes he stroked my cheek. That's why I got excited. I jumped into bed and pretended to be asleep, hoping he would come into my room. An hour later I had to realize he wasn't coming. It's okay. He was probably tired from all the hard work he does.

I peel my cheek off the pillow and rub my eyes. I have my sweats already laid out so I quickly slip into them and sneak downstairs. I go out through the terrace door because it slides and I don't have to bring my keys to unlock it when I come back. Running still hurts my knee a little but not too bad. I almost kind of wish it would hurt more.

Today is Friday. Friday as in the day Brittany is going on a date with Sebastian. I'm going to avoid Brittany today. I have to. I avoided her yesterday and it was actually pretty easy. I wouldn't even be thinking about her now if it weren't for those stupid dreams I had. _Yes, you would_. No, I wouldn't. I told you; I don't care about her. _That's not true_. Yes, it is! Stop it.

I'm already breathing pretty heavily so taking a deep breath is like… every breath. But I try to clear my mind. Running used to do that. Maybe if I just push harder? If i take bigger steps. Quicker steps. Maybe it'll push everything else away? If I just keep going. If I make this - burning calories - the only thing I care about. It used to be, so it can be that way again? That was easy. It was so much easier.

Getting home my mom is still there. Doesn't matter. I'm just going up to my room to shower anyways. Quinn isn't picking me up today. She texted me last night and told me she's spending the night at Finn's house so he'll drive them both. I don't care. I don't care that Quinn is slowly disappearing. I don't care about anything other than this; my mirror reflection.

I'll be perfect soon. I can tell it's not that much further. I just need to get rid of the last flabbiness. Just the last lbs, the last cm until there's nothing left. How hard can it be? I made it this far without problems. I just have to keep my focus. No distractions. How did I lose sight of that? Just because she's pretty? Just because she kissed my cheek and told me she likes me? _That's nothing._ Because she's giggly and smiles at me even when she has nothing to smile about? Because her hands on me makes my heart beat faster? _That's not enough._

* * *

"Hey…" Brittany's voice. I know it. I close my locker slowly and there she is. So much for avoiding her today. Fuck her. Does she have to look like that? Is it really necessary for her bangs to hang over her forehead like that and slightly cover her eye, but not enough so you can't see the blue under it? Did she really have to apply that little bit of lip gloss that are making her lips shimmer, even in this sucky hallway lighting? Must she be so annoyingly cute when she smiles that shy smile?

"Hi." My voice is sulky and I divert my eyes. If I look at her I won't be able to stay away from her.

"Where have you been?" It's a curious question, but there's also a hint of sadness in her voice. Whenever I saw her yesterday I turned in a different direction. She noticed that? Did she… did she miss me?

"Around." I say. It's meant casual but my tone is short. Or I meant it that way. I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. She reaches her hand out and for a second I think she's gonna touch me, but she doesn't. She touches my closed locker; picking and scratching at an old sticker that I didn't put on there.

"I haven't seen you." She murmurs. It's quiet and coy and yet somehow she still dares to look me in the eye. I shrug. I know she hasn't seen me because I made sure she wouldn't. I open my mouth but close it again. So we just look at each other until it becomes too intense for me. With the eyes and the smile and the little freckle she has right there on her lip and the several more she has on her neck it's all too much.

"Tonight's your date with Sebastian, huh?" That's what I say. That's my way out. Bringing up the one thing I don't want to think about.

"About that…" She starts. I give her a couple of more seconds to continue but she's completely trailed off. She's looking beyond me, like there's something interesting behind me. It makes me want to look but I'm much more curious about where she was going with that sentence.

"Yeah?" It comes out hopeful. Because it is, but still; I should be able to hide that better. I just want her to say it's not happening. Please? I think my eyes are telling her to tell me she's not going. Maybe that's why she blurts the next thing she says.

"Can I come to your house and get ready for it?"

Hold the fuck up.

"You want to come to my house?" For a second I can't believe the nerve on this girl. Then I remember she's not doing anything wrong. Whatever this thing with Brittany and I was; it only existed in my head. To her we're just friends. No, not even that. We're just two people _becoming_ friends. Just like her mom wants her to: she's making a friend. Maybe she's all giddy and excited inside because maybe I'm her first friend and she has no idea how much that kills me.

"It's just that I'm really nervous and you could, you know, help me with my clothes and make-up because I'm really bad with that stuff and you're always really pretty so I thought-" She keeps rambling. She seems nervous about it.

"You want my help?" I cut her off. I can't think when her voice keeps ringing in my ear. How did this happen? How did she do this to me? _No_. How did I let her? People say that the heart wants what it wants. People say you can't control it. I say, _or at least I use to say,_ that it's bullshit. Why would you even want to control your heart? The heart is just a muscle pumping your blood around. That's all. Everything else that happens; happens in the brain and I can control my brain. I can. So why couldn't I control this?

"Unless there's… something…?" She's speaking slowly, like she's fishing for something. There's nothing to fish up. Not anymore. Just forget it. It's nothing. So stop talking. Before I kiss you.

"Okay." I say it quickly, with a hurried nod. I know I can't say no to her so I say okay. Even if it's the last thing I wanna do; I say okay.

"You will?" Her face lights up. Her whole face. Not jut her eyes, they light up too, but it's her cheeks and her smile and her chin and nose and even her forehead. Her skin even seems to glow differently.

"Just… whatever." I sigh. I kinda wish I had left my locker open so I could close it now just to keep myself busy but I didn't so I resort to fixing the straps of my backpack. Her brows furrow and she leans closer. Like we're not close enough already?

"Santana, is something-?" Her voice is gentle. There's something else in it too but I can't tell what it is. I shouldn't be surprised by that because it's not like I ever knew anything.

"Just come over." I say testily.

"But I-"

"I have class." I state and then I leave. I force my feet to turn me around and walk away. It's the first time I've ever walked away from her I think. What did I just agree to? Yeah, sure I'll help you look all sexy only for you to leave and be with the guy who… the guy who… urrrgh!

* * *

"Your house is really nice." Brittany beams as we step inside together. The walk here was quiet. Actually it wasn't. Brittany kept talking the whole way. It's the most I've ever heard her talk, and she sounded so happy. But I didn't say anything. I don't remember saying a single word. Now she's looking at me like she finally said the magic words to make me say something.

"Yeah, you've said that already." I mutter and drop my bag and jacket before shuffling inside.

"Kay..." I hear it faintly behind me. I imagine her face in a tiny pout with her head tilted down but eyes peering up like she does when she's shy or sad. It only lasts a second and then I hear her skipping up behind me.

"So I was thinking... Since I'm not meeting him until 8, we could chill for a bit?" She asks innocently, maybe insecurely, but also hopefully?

"And do what exactly?" I don't snap. It's almost like I'm defeated. It's just a sigh.

"Just be, I guess." She shrugs. I'd love to be with her. Just be. With her. But I can't just be. I have too much to think about, too much to worry about. And I can't with her. Because she's with him. Or at least she will be in just a few hours.

"I don't know... Maybe you should just shower." I'm casual about my suggestion. If she just goes away for a little while then I can regroup and maybe I can actually get through the night.

"Oh, okay." She sounds taken aback. Offended maybe? I'm just glad she's not fighting me on it.

"You can use my shower. I'll get you a towel." I open the door to my room for her and keep walking down the hall to mom and dad's bathroom.

It only takes a second and then I step into- _holy crap_. I step into my room and… she's standing there without her shirt on. I don't even know where it is. It's not on the floor.

The air leaves my lungs and I turn around quickly. It's instinct to just not look at her. What if I can't control myself? She giggles softly.

"It's okay. We're both girls." She breezes. Right, we're both girls so why would there be anything sexual in me seeing her boobs? Get a grip, Santana. Be her friend. I turn back slowly. Making too big an effort to just look at her face. It probably looks stiff and weird. Fake smile and speak!

"Hmph…" Okay, that didn't go great… Try again. I open my mouth but she lets out another giggle before I get a chance to say anything. It's probably for the best. I didn't know what I was going to say anyway and I would have probably chosen the completely wrong thing.

"I was in there…" She starts and points to my bathroom. "…but I couldn't get my bra undone and I… well, maybe you could help me?" She turns around and slides her hair to the side and lifts it. Her back muscles move and I just… She turns her head to the side and looks at me over her shoulder. Right… she's waiting for me… to touch her.

"H-hold this?" I whisper and hand her the big red towel I just got for her. She untangles one of her hands from her hair and takes it. Some strands fall down. I've never seen hair fall that well. I brush it over her shoulder and then one of my fingers slide over her skin, following her bra strap to find the clasp.

"That tingles- _tickles_… It tickles." Her voice is airy. Like she's breathing heavily, only that she's not. I don't respond. I'm too busy trying to get my hands to stop shaking. I've never undone a girl's bra before. Not even Quinn's. I can do my own but this is different. Even if it's not sexual, it's different. And she's right. It is a tricky clasp. The hook is bent slightly and won't unclasp. I try harder with more concentration. When it opens she inhales audibly. I don't think she was prepared. I want to linger. Out of all the times; this one would have been so perfect for lingering. But I step back.

"Thank you." She murmurs and goes back in the bathroom. It's all over so fast.

I go to my desk and get out my secret notebook. This might be a good opportunity to do some planning and get my mind off the fact that she's _naked_ _in my house_.

My bookmark is a picture of my dad and I. It's not really even of us. It's a picture of my mom really. She's in the center. But you can see half my dad in one corner and I'm, well the seven year old me, is in the background, playing in our pool. It's the only one I have of us. I open it to the page I'm at and read. The last time I ate was yesterday after I came home from school and I had asparagus. It's pretty low in calories and it has potassium, calcium and phosphorus.

You gotta watch what you eat. I try to eat all the things I know I need like vitamins and minerals. If I can find foods that contain those and are not too dangerous that's always good. I'd hate to fail by default, as I call it. If something happens, if I faint or something and someone sees that and takes me to the hospital I could be ruined forever. Everything I've worked for could be gone. If anyone notices…

I do faint from time to time. It's okay. It usually happens if I stand up too quickly or if I push myself too hard when working out. But no one sees those times. I just make sure to take it easy standing up, and I'm always alone when I work out. I'm safe.

I look at what I have noted for today. The row is blank. Today was an unplanned day. I'm not supposed to have those. I mark it with a cross. That means I eat nothing all day. I like those days better. They're harder, they take more willpower and the running is usually a little slower on those days but when I go to bed I feel so much better about myself. On those days I don't hate myself when I fall asleep.

Tomorrow is Saturday. That's good because that means making a plan is so much easier. My dad won't be home and I think my mom is doing something. I forget what. I think it was a cooking class or a gardening class or something. She keeps trying to distract herself from how miserable she is. That's good, I guess. It's good that I'll be left alone for a while. Maybe I can eat black pudding. I need the iron. It's disgusting, but all foods are so what's the difference, really? The harder it is to swallow, the better. I write it down, along with how much of it I can eat and how many calories that is in total.

I hear the bathroom door open and slam the book shut and stuff it back in my drawer. I turn around just to check she didn't see anything. She's wearing her towel like a dress and her hair is wet and frizzy. It's still dripping so beads of water tickle down her toned arms and chest. There's absolutely no way for me to turn my eyes away from her now. Not when she looks… like that.

"I don't… I just remembered; I don't have any clothes with me or anything." She looks coy, and sort of hides under her messy hair. I stare at her; mouth open? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure I'm not breathing through my nose so probably. "Or make-up." She adds and scratches the back of her neck. The bicep on that girl is insane. I think it's got me hypnotized because the next thing out of my mouth is not something Santana Lopez would offer.

"You could just… use my stuff if you want? Or I could drive you home to get stuff?"

"But I don't want to be trouble…" She kind of sounds like she's protesting. Or complaining. Or maybe she just doesn't want to be fucking trouble. Stop overanalyzing everything, you dickwad.

"Okay, you could just not go on the date…" Fuck. I can't believe I just said that. Now she might think… something.

"Oh…" She sounds delighted. Like that's even a word people use anymore.

"I was just… I mean…" I stutter. I cannot find words. So I just walk over to my closet and open it. "You can take whatever you want. I just have to like… go downstairs." I scurry out and don't even close the door behind me. I figure I'll give her a while to get dressed. More like give myself a while to chill the fuck out.

...

I get back and praise the lord she's dressed. She chose black skinny jeans. With a white button-up she's tied just above her belly button. You can even see her bra. No, wait… that's my bra. She didn't even bring her own bra? Oh well. She's like sex on legs. And she hasn't even done her hair or make-up yet. Her hair is dry now... I think she used my blow-dryer.

"Santana!" She exclaims happily when she sees me. She twirls for me; showing me her ass and the little dimples exposed in the small of her back. Then there's her face again.

"Will you make me pretty?" She asks me. It's light-hearted but it still makes me frown.

"You are pretty." I state. It's true. But she's not supposed to know I think that. She's not supposed to know I can't stop thinking that. She smiles. So she definitely heard. Shit. I ignore it. I ignore the smile, I ignore that her lower lip gets caught between her lip and I ignore the fact that she raises her eyebrow. I usher her to sit down in my chair by the desk and then I get my make-up bag. The second I return she exhales and closes her eyes in preparation. It's nice. When her eyes are closed she can't see me looking. So I can look. As much as I want. Her skin is so smooth looking. I almost don't want to put make up on it. Maybe I'll just not use foundation on her…

"What do you- like, what kind of look are you going for?" I ask her. I guess it's her choice. She doesn't open her eyes but her lips curl up.

"I trust you." She murmurs. Okay. I can't help but smile. I start by brushing her hair out of her face. She has the smoothest hair. I'll leave her skin the way it is. I don't wanna ruin it. I'll just do her eyes. Maybe a bit of blush?

"Hold still." I whisper. Without thinking about it I move my face closer to hers to see as I draw the pad of my thumb over her eyelid. There's a brush for it but I don't like to use that. She can probably feel my coldness on her eyelid but it's only my thumb so I think it's fine. I do the same on the other eye. She hums. Not a tune or anything. Just like an internal sigh. I laugh softly. I refuse to call it a giggle but I suppose that's what it is.

Her eyes flutter open and stare straight into mine. We're so close. I don't know how our bodies and faces always, always, end up so close but they do. She's no more than an inch away from me. And I'm still holding on to the side of her face. It would be so easy to just lean in and kiss her. Just do it. _Don't you dare!_ She hasn't moved away, maybe she wants it? _There's not a chance in hell she wants to kiss you, Santana_. _Move away._ Don't move away. _Move away!_ I shut my eyes really hard and clench my jaw. I'm losing my mind.

"Are you okay?" Her voice is gentle and concerned. I squint. She's further away now. My eyes open more. She's tenser and she looks worried.

"I thought I was gonna..." Attack your face with my lips. "...sneeze... But I'm fine." I explain hesitantly. She gives me a little nod.

"Great." She beams. I look at her for a couple of seconds.

"Awesome." I say finally. It's kind of quiet and through a smile. She chuckles knowingly.

"Perfect." She finishes. We exchange smirks and then I straighten my posture again. I continue doing her eye shadow and I apply a bit of eyeliner before doing her mascara, which is not easy doing on someone else. Then her lips. I considered red but it would look too hooker-ish. I like the way she looks when she looks innocent and sweet. So I give her lips a light pink color, you can barely tell it's lipstick and then add just a touch of lip gloss on it. I decide against the blush so really, I have no reason to touch her face anymore. She doesn't know that. I run my finger over her lip. It's relaxed and it looks so delicious the way it drags with my finger.

"You're ready." I whisper. It's another one of those times when you don't know why you're whispering. Maybe because I don't want her to go and whispering gives the words less power.

"Thank you." She murmurs before turning to the mirror to look at herself. She seems a little surprised with her reflection. But good surprised. She keeps looking at herself. Maybe it wasn't good surprised after all…?

"I can… if you don't like it I can redo it, or I could try… but it's almost eight so you have to leave soon…" Mhm, you're always so smooth, Santana. You're just oozing confidence, aren't you? Urgh, just… I back up and sit down on my bed. She turns to me.

"It's not that." She says and turns back to the mirror for a while. I want to ask… 'cause it seems like…?

"Is it something else?" It's careful. I don't want to overstep in any way. I already feel like I'm way too pushy when it comes to Brittany. At least about that bullying thing. I practically forced her to tell me even when she didn't want to. And yet, there are so many things I wanna know about her. I want to know all her things. She sighs. I think there's something. She looks in the mirror again. Then she stands up, walks over, and takes a seat next to me. Closely. Her thigh bumps against mine so she moves an inch to the side.

"Does it bother you?" She blurts. "The date?" She adds. I knew what she meant, but she totally just ruined my opportunity to play dumb.

"What? No!" I say. It's high-pitched and loud. Not believable at all. God, I suck so bad. Why am I such a bad actress around her? I'm so good around other people.

"Not like… at all?" She sounds defeated. Almost desperate.

"No…" My tone is more normal this time. But the way it lingers still makes it anything but convincing. She sighs again.

"Okay. Guess… I'm going then."

"You're going?" I know I sound sad. Or sullen. I don't know. I don't even know what I'm feeling. It's too much at once and it's so confusing. The fact that I'm even feeling at all is overwhelming enough. I can't remember feeling anything for so long and here she is; making me feel things. She's standing up. Well, she's walking already – towards the door – but my words make her turn around.

"Santana, what are you doing?" Oh wow, irritated Brittany.

"I don't know! What are you doing?" I get defensive That's really all I have.

"Waiting for you to give me a reason not to go!" She almost screams it. I can tell she's surprised by her outburst but she's determined not to let it show. Guess… I know her better than I thought.

She's about to leave again. But I don't let her. I'm out of that bed quicker than I've ever gotten up before. I grab her hand. With my hand. It's the only part of her I can reach that quickly so it's what I do. And I hold it too. I hold onto it tightly. I even pull on it until I've turned her back around.

Everything is so fast and our bodies bump into each other. Her stomach against mine, her breasts against mine, our legs almost interlocking. This time our closeness doesn't go wasted. This time I tilt my head up. This time I cup her face with both hands. This time I kiss her.

I find her bottom lip and it fits so perfectly between mine. She tastes good. The lip gloss is flavoured which is nice, but there's something more. Something sweet. A different sweetness than any other. It must just be her. She whimpers. The cutest noise I've ever heard. From arms hanging by her sides she grabs my hips and presses herself into me.

She smiles. It's a really short smile that breaks the kiss for a moment before she deepens it; parting her lips and making everything wetter. I need a breath to process the relief of her actually kissing me back but I'll be damned if this kiss ends, so I breathe through my nose. It's not a lot of oxygen, but as long as it keeps me alive that's all I need. Or maybe I don't even need that. I feel like I can live on this kiss forever.

We have the same thought at the same time and then our tongues meet. It's careful at first, just her softness grazing me. Then it gets bolder, more exploratory and her fists hold on tightly to my Cheerio's top. I get bolder too. But my boldness isn't the same as hers. Mine is just… gently stroking her cheek with my thumb, tilting her chin further into me, playing with her hair. She's so- I want- If I can just make this last forever, that's all I'll ever need.


	10. Chapter 10

**OKAY, **so there's a new segment.** EXCITEMENT. **It's** Brittany's POV **and it will be in diary form and start out every chapter (almost) from now on.

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**CHAPTER 9**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

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_**Dear diary, **_

_Santana kissed me last night. She kissed me. I've wanted to kiss her for so long (you would know, diary) and it finally happened. I shouted at her and I totally didn't mean to do that. I didn't want to be mean. All the times I tried to get her to say she didn't want me to go out with Sebastian failed. All the times I wanted to tell her that what I really want is to go out with her; she pulled away. Okay, it wasn't all her fault - I chickened out a couple of times too. So last night it just got too big inside… You know when everything inside gets so big it explodes? I just needed to know what she wanted and she wasn't telling me. Maybe in her way she was. But she wasn't telling me in words. Santana doesn't tell things with her words. You have to listen to everything else. _

_When she rolls her eyes at people that means she's about to get snappy. When she rolls her eyes at me it's different. I don't know how to explain it because I'm not good with words either but it makes my insides jittery because I know she'll follow it with a smile or a little laugh. _

_When she sighs in Cheerio's practice it's because she's tired and doesn't want to do all the crazy things Coach Sylvester makes us do. When she sighs with me it's softer. Sometimes she pretends she's tired of me but I don't think she is. Maybe I'm assuming too much but if she really was getting sick of me then why would she move closer or look at me the way she does sometimes? Other times she doesn't even know she's sighing. It's like a content breath that just has to come out. _

_Then there's her smile. For someone so tough, she smiles a lot. But she has so many different smiles. She has her thinker smile that she wears it when she's deep in thought and doesn't want anyone to bother her. I guess she has figured out that if you're smiling people are less likely to ask what's wrong. I wonder what she's thinking about when she smiles like that. Her smile wants me to think they're good things but her eyes tell me differently. _

_She also has a smirk. It's really hot, especially when she lifts her eyebrow a little too. I lose all focus when she smirks at me like that. It makes everything tingle and sometimes forget my middle name. _

_Then she has a smile that just happens. Sometimes I can tell that she doesn't want it to come out but she can't help it. That's my favorite smile. It's wide and toothy and her eyes shimmer. When it goes back down she always licks her lips. And diary dearest, those lips... But that smile doesn't happen that often. I try to make it happen all the time but it's hard._

_She's so guarded. She has her wall up all the time. I thought I would be the guarded one because I don't know how to be friends with people, but her being so closed off makes me the open one. But not last night. Last night she was the open one and she did what I've been so afraid to do. I've wanted to. I don't know how many times I've told you that, diary. And I've almost dared. _

_Like when I kissed her cheek; my heart was going a million miles an hour. Especially when she flinched back and I thought she wouldn't let me, but I had worked up the courage for so long I couldn't not do it. So I did it and she let me and I couldn't stop licking my lips after that. I just wanted to keep tasting her. _

_Or when I told her that I like her. She was sleeping but I secretly hoped she wasn't. I hoped she would open her eyes and tell me she likes me too. That she would sit up and kiss me, but that was silly because she was sleeping so of course she didn't._

_But last night she took my hand, pulled me close and kissed me. Oh my god, diary. Her lips. They're so full and plump. No matter how much you suck or nip at them they always feel so luscious. Okay, so let me tell you all about it. _

_At first she seemed just surprised by the fact that she kissed me. Then I kissed back and she seemed relieved. My hands wandered and hers didn't as much. I mean, I didn't touch her boobs or anything. Even after she pushed me down on the bed; that was too scary. I felt them. I felt them against my own and I liked them there so I didn't want to mess with a good thing. I might have felt her butt a little bit though. It was easy because she was on top so I started tracing up her thighs and evidently - those lead to the butt. It was awesome. _

_You know what's also awesome? Her tongue. It did things. It would twist in ways, stroke in places and flick in others and that made me really wet between my legs because I kept thinking about other things it could do, in other places. _

_But I don't want to get ahead of myself. I don't know where… what we are. We didn't talk. We just kissed, hour long, until my dad called and asked me where I was and said that I wasn't allowed to be out with boys so late. Santana drove me home and then we ended up kissing more in the car. So there was no room for talking last night. I know where I want to be with her though. I've known that for a while. When I saw her in the cafeteria my first thought was; I wanna be her friend. My second thought was; screw that. I wanna be her girlfriend. Still, 100% true. _

_I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. There's just so much flying around in my head right now that I don't even... Maybe tomorrow I can explain better. If my butterflies can calm down. We'll see. _

_P.S. Lord Tubbington is gonna quit smoking and take up scuba diving. Best. Day. Ever._

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**Santana's POV**

* * *

I still feel her. On my lips. They _still _tingle. I'm pretty sure it won't go away this time. It'll just tingle forever. I think I'm cool with that. We kissed for so long. I have no clue how long. I didn't get tired of it. Quite the opposite. I couldn't get enough of her. I didn't know kissing could be like that. I thought it was something that was nice for 15 minutes and then it gets annoying, but no. The night flew by and when her dad called it felt like only seconds ago I had rushed forward and pressed her into me.

And… I get a little embarrassed when I think about it but I pushed her down on my bed. It just got so straining to stand and I couldn't focus on kissing her properly so I just… Oh god. I can't believe I did that. But the noise she made when her back hit the mattress. Holy mother of something. It was like a moan and a groan and a grunt and a song all rolled into one and the little thudding at the impact plus the fact that she pulled me down on top of her. It was so hot. She's so hot.

She touched my ass. I wanted to touch her too but I was holding myself up with one arm on either side of her and I was afraid that if I didn't, I would weigh too much on her. I didn't want to be heavy on her. That would have been so bad. But yeah, she touched me. I wanted her to. At first her fingers where just sort of playing on the back of my thighs, up and down, up and down, but they would move higher. When she was there she didn't hold back. She even slid one hand under the spanks of my Cheerio's uniform and-

"What are you thinking about?" Quinn's voice breaks everything. Did she always have such an annoying voice? Why is she talking? Can't she just…

"Nothing. Just shut up and let me." I snap and turn away from her, which really just means turning towards another Cheerio at our table in the cafeteria. She opens her mouth to talk to me.

"Don't." I warn and put my finger up. She bites her lip and looks away. I turn towards the window instead. Windows make me smirk. My car windows got foggy when I drove her home. Well, they got foggy after we had parked. I was unsure at first… We had just kissed – a lot – but then we hadn't kissed for a while and I wasn't sure if it was okay so I just sort of looked at her. She leaned in. I don't think she meant for it to be another massive make out session but that's what it became. She even climbed over the gear shift and sat on my lap.

She accidentally honked once which made us both laugh. Then she made a point of pressing even harder into me so it wouldn't happen again. So; the windows got foggy. She did this thing where she would pull away from the kiss to take a breath but first she had to let out the breath she had been holding so she exhaled that pretty much into my mouth. It was airy and wet, it smelled like skittles and it was so, so hot. That night was so… just, that night.

But that was two nights ago and I haven't spoken to her since. I don't have her number and she doesn't have mine and so I thought… _Draw Something_. But it's a stupid game! I couldn't guess what she drew and I didn't want to pass because that feels mean.

I went for one of those "aimless" walks and ended up outside her house. But I was too scared to knock on the door. I think I saw her inside though. Or her mom. I was pretty far away and I don't even know which room is what or which is hers so it could have been either of them. Her mom might be blonde too so…

That night time flew by, but the weekend since has been the longest in a long time. I used to love weekends because they're so easy but I couldn't wait for Monday to come. I've looked out for her today but I haven't seen her. If I looked harder I could probably find her. I don't know what to say when I do. _Hey, I liked kissing you the other night, can we do it again? _

I'm pretty sure that's not how things work. I need a plan. I need to be smooth. I used to have game. How did I do it when I had all those boys chasing me? That was different though. They were chasing me. Because I was the girl and that's what they were supposed to do. Brittany is a girl. I'm a girl. Who chases who? I've known I like girls for… a long time.

When I was 12, and my brother was 16, I loved to listen to him talk about his girlfriends. He had so many of them. He'd tell me about their boobs and their legs and their soft necks and the marks he made on them. I was kind of jealous. Then he always said that the day I come home with a mark from a boy on my neck he was gonna find that boy and slap him senseless. I would smirk because I didn't want boys to make marks on me. I wanted to make marks on girls. So yeah, I've known. That doesn't mean I know how it works though. That's why I need a plan. Plans are good.

"Santana!" Quinn is hollering. Calm down, yo.

"What?" I sound annoyed. It's funny how everything that's not Brittany is not worth my time right now. It's been like that. Sunday dinner at Aubela's was like a blur. I barely remember it I was so lost in thought.

"Class!" It seems Quinn can only speak one word at a time. She only does that when she's really mad. I look at the clock. It really is time for class. How did lunch pass so quickly? And did I spend all of it in the cafeteria? Did Quinn eat? I didn't eat. I know I didn't. I would have noticed chewing, and I was too busy for that.

"Oh." I breathe.

"What's up with you?" The question isn't curious. It's accusatory. She has no right.

"Whatever Quinn. You would know if you weren't so busy humping that lumpy giant." I snort and get up. It's a little fast and I get a little dizzy but the chair falling backwards and hitting the floor makes me flinch back to reality. I don't bother to stand it up again. I just leave. Great. Now I'm fighting with Quinn. I don't have time. I need to make a plan.

* * *

My locker. I didn't need anything in here. I just needed to cool down for a bit. It's good to do that by your locker. Just looking into it people think you're busy so they don't bother you. Plus, no one can see your face.

"This relationship is really confusing for me." It's Brittany's voice. She making a habit of sneaking up behind my locker, is she? I almost smirk, but then I listen to what she's really saying and maybe it's bad? I close my locker and look at her. I want to say something but I can't really… I don't know what? I haven't made a plan yet!

Wow, she's beautiful. I don't even like that word. Who even uses it anymore? It's like slimy guys trying to get girls with low self esteem to sleep with them. People who keep it real say hot or sexy. And she is that too, she's really, very much both of those, but she is beautiful. The dictionary should just have a picture of Brittany in it. People would get it right away. Geez, Santana, cheesy much?

Reality calling – she's talking to you! I still just stare at her. Maybe if I open my mouth to say something it'll buy me a few more seconds to think of something good?

"It's just that I've been thinking about you a lot and I can't figure out… like, are we… friends?" She continues. I like when her voice gets like that. When she's even the slightest bit nervous she speaks faster, but at the same time it's quieter and a little mumbly so you have to focus more to hear her.

"Just friends?" I sound disappointed. Shit. Did I just mean to say that? Maybe that's not a good thing to say? Maybe that's… maybe she just wants to be friends. No, screw that. She kissed me back and I want to kiss her again. I don't want to be her "friend". I don't want to watch her date Sebastian or some other guy and I don't want to have to pretend to be excited for her just because that's what friends do. I can't do that. I couldn't before and I definitely can't now that I know how soft her lips are. So if she thinks I'm an idiot then she'll just have to- she's smiling… Why is she smiling? Do I have something on my face? She leans her shoulder against the lockers and her eyes fall to my lips for a second. _Oh._

"So… can I take you out for ice cream then?" She almost hums it. It's inviting. Alluring. Flirty. Then she straightens herself and looks more serious. "As a date-type-situation." She clarifies and it's super cute the way she gestures and wrinkles her brows in a serious frown. A date. She wants to take me out on a date. She's making a plan for us. It's so perfect, apart from one thing; the ice cream.

"No." My answers rolls out of me before I've given it a moment's thought. I could have worded that so much better. I'm a fucking idiot! Shit! She looks really insecure now, and hesitant. I'm sure my eyes are as wide as hers are sullen. I didn't mean it like that. Well, then, say something. Take it back, Santana. Take it back now! Oh god, her shoulders are slumping and she's looking at her feet. Touch her. If you can't say anything then touch her. Do something! Fix it before she walks away. She's pouting.

"Because you don't like ice cream or because you don't like…me?" She asks tentatively. She… I can't believe she just gave me a second chance. She saved me.

"Ice cream!" I blurt quickly and awkwardly loud. I don't mean to be so loud but I need it out there before I say something else to mess everything up. "I don't like ice cream." I say and try to act cooler this time. This might be a good thing. If she thinks I don't like ice cream she'll probably never suggest that again. I can start telling everyone I don't like ice cream. I can say it's because it's too cold and sticky and like sweet in a gross way; like you just know that bees wanna crap all over it. I smile. Someone's on my side today.

"Donuts it is then!" She says happily with a determined nod. She squints her eyes, looks around, and then she leans in and kisses my cheek. Everything is happening so fast and her lips on me make me lose all bodily functions for a moment, including talking, so before I have a chance to react; she has turned around and is almost skipping down the hallway to whatever class she has now.

Wait! What? No! Fuck! I can't say I don't like donuts now. She's gonna wonder why I didn't say so right away and that's gonna be hard to explain. It's simple things like that that are the hardest to explain away with believable explanations. I can't cancel the date because then she's gonna think it really is her. That I don't like her. I don't want her to think that. Because it's not true and because I just really don't want her to think that. Plus, I want to go on this date. I'm ecstatic she was brave enough to ask because even with a plan; I might not have been…

If I go on the date and not eat the donut… that's also gonna be weird. She's gonna ask why. Any person would, and Brittany is a super bubbly and curious person so she definitely will. What do I say then? There's nothing to say. My tummy hurts? She's already heard that one. I'm allergic? Maybe… when I get home I can google all the different things they put in donuts and I can pick one; one that sounds like something rare but really all donuts _must_ have it, then I can ask the person selling them if they contain that and when they say yes; I can be like: _Bummer. Allergic._ That might work. I just can't let her get suspicious. CAN'T.


	11. Chapter 11

Hi! Two things today.

1) This was two chapters until I decided not to cut it off where I did so now it's one - meaning it's a little longer. So deal ;)

2) Thank you all tremendously _(yes indeed tremendously) _for reading and showing interest in this story. It couldn't mean more to me even if it came from the Queen of England herself. Just… **thank you!**

Uh, no make that three things. I've decided that Brittany's diary entries will always be looking back to her previous interaction with Santana so they'll almost be like recaps, but with a bunch of Brittany thoughts.

* * *

**CHAPTER 10**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

**_Dear note, _**

_I'm writing this in class so remind me to glue you to a page in my diary when I get home, because I want to remember right now. _

_Santana is really bad with words. Like really bad, but it's okay. It's okay because we're going on a date so… we can practice. I asked her out, just a few minutes ago in the hallway. I was a little nervous and then she said no which made my heart stop but then she said yes. I've never asked anyone out before and I've never been on a date with a girl before. But I have kissed girls before and I even touched a girl boobs once, without the bra and everything, remember that time? It was tingly. I was drunk and things get a lot tinglier when I'm drunk. Not as tingly as Santana's lips on my neck though. _

_Did I tell you about Santana's lips? I told you. Bet you're getting tired of hearing about it. I just can't stop thinking about them. I wonder how many people she has kissed to be such a good kisser… I've kissed a lot of people but I don't think I'm as good as her. I wish I could kiss myself just to see if I'm a good kisser. I hope I am. I hope she thinks I am. _

_It's not just about the kissing though. I want her to do other things with her lips. Like form words and talk about things and tell me everything about her. I know it's hard for her, but if I try really, really hard; maybe she will. I'm gonna try my best. Even more than I tried that time I wanted to get an A on my math test. _

_It's a little weird that she doesn't like ice cream. I mean, who doesn't like ice cream? Everybody likes it. I definitely like it. No, I love it. If I were on death row I'd want ice cream to be my last meal because it's that good. Although if I had to choose between ice cream and Santana; I'd choose Santana because ice cream doesn't kiss like that or smile like that and even chocolate ice cream isn't as pretty as her dark eyes. I just want to be where she is. Right now. I can't wait for this date to happen. _

* * *

**Santana's POV **

* * *

Cheerio's practice sucked today. I'm on top of the pyramid and Quinn is right under me. I hate that I have to depend on her when I'm mad at her. Even when it comes to just holding my legs. I yank my backpack out of my locker in the changing room. It wasn't fully open so me pulling something out of it makes the door open hard. I expect it to slam against the locker next to mine and then come back and hit me but someone catches it.

"Can we be done fighting?" Quinn's voice is stern, kind of like it's an order rather than a suggestion.

"Technically we haven't had the fight yet. We've just been mad at each other for a couple of hours." I say. It's a joke, I guess. It's not funny or anything. It's just to keep me from caving right away. Not fighting with Quinn is what I want, but I don't want her to think she controls me because she doesn't. No one controls me.

"Can we just skip it?" She sighs. This time she sounds more like she's pleading. Quinn doesn't really beg for things. This is as close as she gets ever.

"Mm-kay." I shrug.

"Good. Because I really wanna shower at your house." She places her hand on my upper arm while saying it. I'm not sure why. Quinn and I don't really have a very touchy-feely relationship. Anymore. Showering at my house… I might have plans though? I glance over at Brittany. She's already half naked. Tearing my eyes away from her and back to Quinn is hard.

"Okay. I'll just- meet you out by the car. I just have to…" I say, a little distracted as I try to usher Quinn out of the locker room.

If anyone_ ever_ tries to confront me on this I'll deny it so hard! But I might do something, that in some way, maybe, if you're really picky about things, could have some, tiny little resemblance to _skipping _when I go over to Brittany. She sees me coming and turns around before I make it all the way.

"Hey." I greet. I try to ignore the fact that she's just wearing her underwear at the moment. It's really hard but luckily I like looking at her face too so I think I do alright.

"Hi." She says back and even waves at me with her fingers. Then I think she feels silly about it because she grabs her waving hand with the other and forces it back down while looking away coyly. I giggle. I've given up trying to deny the fact that she makes me giggle. It just happens. The second her eyes come back to me she lifts her hand again moves a strand of hair away from where it had escaped my pony tail to behind my ear. She smiles bashfully and I smile back. We're just smiling at each other. It's not even awkward.

"So… when did you want this date to start?" Oh wow, Santana, I'm impressed. You actually had the balls to ask something like that.

"Lemme see…" Brittany says hesitantly and holds up her wrist like she's checking her wristwatch. She's not wearing a wristwatch, but okay.

"Five minutes ago." She says matter of factly and looks serious for a couple of seconds before she breaks into a goofy grin. I giggle – again. I don't even know if that's really funny or if it's just her. It's _definitely_ cute. But that's _definitely_ just because it's her.

"Quinn's showering at my house." I say apologetically. I didn't mean to agree to that but it's happening. Brittany scrunches her face in disapproval. It only last a second before she realizes it herself and smoothes it out.

"Okay. What about after that?" She tries to sound casual but her eyes look embarrassed. It's okay. I already know she doesn't go well with Quinn. Or Quinn doesn't go well with her. Or they don't go well together. Whichever.

"After… I'm all yours." Santana, your flirty side is on fire today! Brittany raises her eyebrow in a challenging look and I bite my lip in return. Honestly have no clue what is happening. Maybe this recent calorie burning Sue's crazy practice caused is the reason I'm feeling so confident.

Suddenly Brittany turns to her locker and rummages through it for a while. Muscles are moving in her arms, just flexing all swag. I'm not at all staring. That's a lie. She holds out her phone to me. It's a cute phone. It's actually the same one I have but hers looks older and battered and it has a Hello Kitty sticker on it.

"I don't have your number." She murmurs shyly and lets me take her phone. I consider adding myself as a proper contact but then I'd have to name myself and that's always awkward so I just type in my number and hand it back. She looks at it for a second.

"Cool." She breathes. Almost like she's in awe of having my number. I smile crookedly. How is she so cute?

"I have to go." I say. I don't want to but Quinn's kind of waiting so… I look around. The locker room is filled with people but none of them are really paying attention to us so I lean in and peck her cheek. It's really fast; way faster than when she kisses mine but I did it. Now my lips tingle again.

* * *

Quinn is so different today. She seems bothered by something. She walks faster and talks louder. I wonder what's up. I'm not gonna ask though. I don't… no. She puts her bag down on the chair by my desk.

"So do you still wanna talk about it?" It's like a bomb she drops and she turns around quickly; piercing me with her eyes. She's scary today.

"About what?" I ask quickly. I need to buy time somehow. What talking? I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk about anything, ever.

"About what you said." She says gently and comes closer. I'd back away from her but she grabs me and leads me to the bed with her. Once we're seated she opens her mouth again.

"About me humping- About Finn." I knew what she meant. I'm not stupid. I just really don't want to talk about this. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. I should know better by now. So stupid. I realize after a while I still haven't said anything. She's waiting; and looking like she's expecting something soon.

"Are you jealous of him?" Quinn asks when I still haven't found anything to say. I see an opening. Insulting Finn is easier than talking about real things. I roll my eyes.

"Of Finn? Finn is the most disgusting thing in this universe, and please note that the universe is endless and there's still nothing out there that can beat his level of utter grossness. I personally-" I start ranting. I could talk forever when it comes to insulting Finn. It's like my favorite hobby. Quinn's not having it though.

"Santana!" She interrupts loudly. I roll my eyes again and sigh.

"No. I'm not jealous of Finn. There's nothing he is or has that I want." I state matter of factly. If this is going where I think it is; I need it to turn in the opposite direction and run. Quinn and I… we work because we don't talk about that.

"Not even me?" There it is. I knew she'd say that! I still don't have a good response. So I just look at her. I hope my eyes are telling her that she's an idiot for thinking I still like her that way. From the way she's smiling though… maybe they're not.

"We had it pretty good that summer after sophomore year." She murmurs and looks down to her lap.

"You told me that was a mistake." I state emotionless and stand up from the bed. I remember it so clearly still. I was flying really high and she completely shot me down: _"It's time to start dating boys, Santana." _

"Maybe I was wrong." Quinn offers gingerly.

"Maybe you were right." I shrug. I need something to fidget with. Something to keep my hands busy. All this talking about serious things has my whole body itching. If all of this would have come a couple of weeks ago I would have probably jumped at the chance to be with Quinn again. Not because I'm still in love with her. I'm really not. I haven't been for a while. But because she was the only one I had ever felt anything for. Now that's not true anymore.

"You told me you were in love with me." Quinn's presses on. I don't think there's anything I can say that she actually wants to hear. I know Quinn doesn't deal with rejection very well. She can go a little crazy. But I also know that Quinn isn't in love with me. She never was.

"I honestly don't know what I was thinking." I say matter of factly and open my closet. I step inside and start looking for some clothes. Quinn appears in the door.

"You kissed me last week." She's so very, annoyingly persistent!

"Again, I honestly don't know-" I look her straight in the eyes in this time.

"Okay, I get it." She interrupts and disappears from my sight again. What the hell was that all about?

* * *

Quinn just left. We didn't talk anymore, about anything really. Thank God. I couldn't tell if it was awkward afterwards or just our normal silence. I think maybe awkward. She seemed upset. Not crying or anything; just rolling her eyes at every single thing and sighing audibly. She even wanted to shower first. She never showers first. Then she said bye and left. So really, there was no point at all for her to shower at my house.

I shower really quickly. I don't even stand naked in front of the mirror before. I usually do that because it helps a lot. Every shower is like a motivation refill. I see myself, that flabby excuse for a body staring back at me, and I feel myself, every last bulge and every last handful of fat. It's so gross. How can that not be motivating? But I didn't have time today. Brittany texted me. She's gonna come and pick me up and I have to get ready.

I do everything pretty much the same as every day. It's a casual date after all, right? Except I wear my hair down and not in that stupid pony tail. I don't know why we have to wear our hair like that. Sue might as well force me to wear a sign around my neck that says _"Hey, look at me and my fat cheeks."_

My phone buzzes where I left it on my bed. I leave it for a second because I'm in my closet trying to decide on something nice. Clothes are harder to pick out. She's finally gonna see me without the Cheerio's uniform on. She's never done that before. I mean I did wear my brother's hoodie once but I had the uniform on under so it doesn't really count. Plus, that hoodie was to hide my stomach fat, not to make me look pretty. I want to look pretty for her.

I can't wear anything tight. If I do I won't be able to relax at all. It'll be all I can think about and I don't want that. My phone buzzes again and then one more time. What's happening? I do a little dance over to my bed and jump on it; scooping up my phone as I land and turning around to lie on my back. Wow, if anyone saw that I'll have to kill them.

_**Brittany:** What are you wearing? _

_**Brittany:** NO! Not like in a sexual way. I just… I was getting nervous about what I'm wearing and I wanted to check what you were gonna wear so that I don't look weird. _

_**Brittany:** That's silly. I'm sorry. _

I smile. I like how she's also nervous about things. She's probably not half as nervous as me because I'm a wreck but still. It's nice. If it's even okay to think it's nice that someone else is nervous? Whatever, I'm not telling anyone. It buzzes again and a new text appears in our conversation.

_**Brittany: **Please ignore me. This is not going how I imagined it in my head :(_

I giggle. She's so unbelievably cute. I'm rather confused actually. Everything that used to be super lame is now cute.

What should I send back? I want to be casual but she just rambled - in writing I might add. She's the first person I've met who can ramble in writing. I'd feel mean giving her a short answer. Plus, I like when her texts are long and I don't want her to stop sending long texts just because my replies are short.

_**Santana:** I'm wearing a towel. Not in a sexual way or anything, just sayin. Don't be nervous. You always look… really good. _

_**Santana:** Oh, when will you be here? _

_**Brittany:** Thank you :) I can be at your house in like thirty minutes?_

_**Santana: **It's true. Okay, I'll be ready. _

_**Brittany:** Btw, so do you. Always really, really good. _

_**Santana:** See you in thirty ;)_

_...  
_

Exactly thirty minutes later my door bell rings. Not that I was waiting with my phone watching the minutes change or anything. I'm just saying; girl's on time. I run to the door. It's good that my parents aren't home. I wouldn't want them seeing me act like this. I open it and there she is. I almost feel surprised to see her, which is weird because I was expecting to see her. I knew she'd be there. I was 100% sure it was her and still I kind of lose my breath. I'm never gonna get used to her presence.

We look at each other for a while. I start at the ground and follow her long legs up. She looks different today, not like when she dressed for Sebastian. Now she has black shorts with suspenders over a black and white striped shirt with a red, shiny heart on it. Her socks are knee high and wine-red-ish. I like her hair the most. It's curled and flowy and so smooth looking.

I'm not as pretty as her. I'm wearing dark jeans which are a little loose. They used to be tight but they're not anymore. I have a long tight tank under and a shorter, but looser, long sleeved shirt over it. I like to cover as much of my body as I can. There's some cleavage though… Maybe I should wear a scarf? But… she's not wearing a lot of clothes and if I dress in even more we're definitely not gonna be coordinated. Okay, I won't take the scarf.

Should I lean in and kiss her cheek again? Or even her lips? That's a little too bold. Even for the brave, flirty Santana. Brittany has both her hands behind her back but suddenly she reaches one out in front of her.

"I picked you a flower." She says coyly. She's holding a really small, frail looking flower. It's purple. I think they're called crocuses and I also think they're from the Goldstein's flowerbed. They live across the street and they always have a really pretty garden. Did she steal a flower for me? My fingers graze against hers when I take it from her and I linger there. She's felt my hand so many times now I've actually lost count.

I think I look like I don't know what to do with it now because she takes it back and slides it in my hair. It falls out so she takes a hair pin from her own hair to secure it with the second time she slides it in. To do that she needs to take a few steps closer. I think she's closer than she needs to be though because the side of her face is millimeters from mine; her cheek almost, almost touching mine. I'm not complaining. Before stepping back she twists her face to me and kisses my nose. She actually kissed my nose.

"Are you ready to go?" She asks me and half turns around. I nod but a frown forms on my face.

"Where's your car?" I ask sceptically. There are no cars parked on the street so I don't understand?

"Oh I don't have one." Brittany breezes. "I came with my bike." She points to the bicycle lying on my front lawn. How did I not see that? It's bright pink.

"I'll get mine then, I guess." I say and look around for the key to garage. I haven't ridden my bike since I was twelve. Is it even big enough for me?

"No, I'm picking you up! You can sit on the carrier." She beams and takes my hand to lead me to it. I barely manage to close the door before she has dragged me with her. She lets go of me and stands it up. It's kind of hot. She just lifts it with no effort at all.

When we're on the street she stands with it between her legs and waits for me to take a seat in the back before she hops up on the saddle and starts pedalling. It's a little wobbly and first and we almost fall twice but all in all it goes better than I thought. I wrap my arms around her waist and hold on tight. A lot tighter than I need to but I like being close to her. She smells really good. She always does but now that I can press my face up against her it's really strong. I like that I recognize it. I'd know her smell anywhere.

Downhill it's really fast. I'm not scared. It's just really fast. Plus with the speed wind it's a little cold. I wonder how she's never cold. She never seems to be dressed properly.

At one point she lets go of the handlebar with one hand and places it over mine where they rest on her stomach. That tingles. A lot. It tingles in my stomach because I know she's only managing the bike with one hand and we're still going pretty fast and it tingles in my fingers and whole hand because her touch just does that. I turn my hand around so my palm faces outwards and slip my fingers between hers. If someone had told me two weeks ago that I'd be holding someone's hand with interlocked fingers I would have… well, I would have wondered how the fuck they know I don't let people feel my hand, but then I would have laughed in their face. Yet, here I am. Holding a hand. Holding Brittany's hand.

Whenever it's slightly uphill I offer to jump off. She shouldn't have to paddle all my weight up a freaking hill but she insists it's fine and every time she does I tighten my hold. She's so strong. I close my eyes and just feel her warmth and smell her smell. It's nice. This is nice. I'm not saying I was wrong before… but maybe this feelings and closeness thing isn't so bad?

When we get there I peel my cheek off her back and open my eyes. The first thing I see is the word donuts. A huge sign. No, no, no! Holy shit! My heart starts beating faster. My palms start sweating. Shivers go through me and goose bumps travel over my body. Not the good kind; the kind that you get when you watch Black Swan and she peels the skin on her finger that scene in the bathroom. I feel dizzy and I want to throw up. I have to turn away from Brittany while she locks her bike so she won't see the panic in my eyes. I totally forgot to google what's in a donut. Fuck. Fuck! What do I do now?

"Are you hungry for donuts?" I feel arms wrapping around my waist from behind and the question coming closer to my ear. I can't breathe. I try to swallow but my body won't even accept the saliva in my mouth.

"I can feel your heart beating in your stomach." Brittany breathes in awe and flattens her palm to press it against my stomach. I can feel my heart pounding in _every_ part of my body but my stomach is so empty it echoes there. I turn around in her arms and bury my face in the crook of her neck. I don't lift my arms to hug her because they're sort of mashed between us but I don't need to. Brittany holds me closer anyways. Being close to her a couple of minutes ago calmed me so much. Maybe it can do it again? I know it's clingy and desperate and way too soon but she's the one stroking my back so I don't think she minds. I just hope she doesn't ask why. Please, don't ask.

"I wanna show you something." She cooes and pulls away slightly. I nod against her before we're completely apart and she takes my hand. We don't walk far, just a couple of feet actually, but it's away from the donut place so I can breathe again. Maybe it's all I need. Just some time to come up with a new plan. When we're in the center of the town square Brittany sits down on the wide edge of the fountain.

"You wanna show me the fountain? I've lived here all my life… I've kinda seen it before." I say gently. I don't wanna be rude or anything but it's really not a very interesting fountain. She pulls on my hand. Probably to make me sit down next to her but I stumble and end up standing between her legs instead. She raises her eyebrow and smirks. Oh dear Lord, please don't let her see me blushing.

"I want you to meet my friend." She says and looks into the water.

"The fountain is your friend?" I don't mean to sound so skeptical because I know she doesn't make friends easily but… a fountain?

"No silly! The fish." She beams and even points.

"Britt, there are no fish in there…" I say hesitantly. She's not crazy, is she?

"Yes, there is! Just look. He'll come out soon. Come here little Wayne." She dips her fingers in and splashes around for a little bit. I just look. I have no idea what to do. Let's not mention the fact that she's named him Little Wayne… Should I splash also? So she won't feel so stupid when there's no-

"There he is!" She beams and points under water. Holy shit. There's actually a fish in there. How the fuck did a fish end up in there? And how is it surviving? He swims up to her fingers and nibbles on them. She giggles because it tickles and pulls her hand back.

"He's hungry." She states and throws a glance over to the donut place. It makes my heart skip a beat but I don't let it show.

"You feed him?" I'm actually a little impressed with how unafraid he is of Brittany. When she pulled her hand back he followed it to the surface and now he's there and just sort of staring at us.

"I should go get him something." Brittany nods and stands up. "Wait here."

I watch her back as she walks off. She disappears into the donut place. Relax. She's just getting the fish something to snack on. I sit down on the spot she sat on and twist slightly to look into the water. He seems a little scared now that Brittany's gone. He doesn't go away completely but he swims deeper and further away. I dip my finger in and splash like Brittany did. He seems curious with splashing but I'm still too much of a stranger. I keep my finger still for a while and he swims towards my hand. I smile. Why am I enjoying the fact that a fish is warming up to me?

"Hey little Wayne." I coo and bend down to come closer. "Hey! You do look a little bit like Lil' Wayne." He really does. He's got some marks on his face. They look like scars and Lil' Wayne has tattoos but still… there's a definite resemblance. I see myself smile in the water reflection. It's a big, silly smile and I'm not even trying to force it away.

"Wanna know a secret?" Yes, I'm talking to a fish. Get over it. "I like your friend, Brittany."

Not two seconds later Brittany takes a seat next to me holding a donut wrapped in a napkin. She doesn't say anything. She just has a cagy little smile playing on her lips and she pinches a piece of the bread and throws it in. Little Wayne comes swimming like freaking rocket and takes all of it in his tiny mouth. Brittany snorts a laugh and gives him a second piece. I look at her but she won't look back right now. She just keeps smirking like that.

"You totally heard me, didn't you?" I blurt. Brittany turns to me and shakes her head seriously, but it only takes a second for her to break.

"Yeah, I totally heard you." She giggles which makes her shoulders shake the way they do and it doesn't stop. It's not even that funny but she can't stop laughing.

"So embarrassing." I mutter under my breath and cover my face with my hands. I just had to go talk to a freaking fish. I'm so stupid.

"No, it's not. I like you too." She breezes like that's the easiest thing in the world to say to a person. When I don't uncover my face right away she tries to pry my hands away and I just let her. It's my turn to avoid eye contact but she did say she likes me too which technically makes that the second time she's told me. It has to be true, right? It doesn't have to be, obviously, but why would she say that if she didn't mean it?

"Can I ask you something?" I blurt suddenly.

"Is it a math question? Because I'm not very good with numbers. Or words really, but mostly numbers. I'm also not good with recipes and sometimes breakfast confuses me... Mostly numbers though." For someone who claims to be bad with words; she sure has a lot of them. She's so adorable when she rambles.

"No, it's not a math question." I chuckle and shake my head. She looks at me and waits for me to ask it. My throat gets a little dry. It's harder than I thought it would be. But I really want to know.

"Why did you- when Sebastian asked you out… why did you say yes?" I clear my throat after I've asked, like that's gonna help in making it come out smoother. Brittany looks a little troubled. She probably doesn't want to answer that. I shouldn't have asked. We were having a great time and now I've ruined everything. _You're so stupid, Santana._

"Oh… he caught me off guard I guess. I wasn't prepared for him to ask and then… it wasn't really a question, more like a statement…" Brittany explains slowly. She's still wearing that troubled look. She almost looks like she's embarrassed.

"Sounds like Sebastian…" I snort. So typical of him to just assume people want to go out with him. So typical of him to just assume people want anything with him, period. He always gets his way.

"I'm so sorry, Santana. I only want to date you, but at first I didn't know if you felt it too and… I wasn't trying to make you jealous… I guess I just wanted to see_ if_ you would get jealous." Brittany's voice morphs into something a little whinier. She really does sound like she's sorry. And she's pouting slightly which is the cutest thing ever! I tilt my head down and look at little Wayne. I fidget with my fingernails and then peer up again. She's looking at me.

"You only want to date me?" I ask weakly. A crooked smile pulls at Brittany's lips.

"Well, yeah..." She nods up and down a couple of times. I can't believe it. She only wants to date me. Out of all the people in the whole world; she only wants to date me. I smile at her and she smiles back. I wonder what she's looking at. No, I mean, I know she's looking into my eyes. I know that because I'm looking into hers but I mean… I wonder what she's seeing.

"You ready for some donuts?" The question is like a whip, so fast and painful. It breaks the moment, it breaks my breathing, it breaks everything.

"No, you know what? I forgot my wallet so I can't-" I try to resort to the classics. They usually work.

"This is a date, silly! I'm paying." She interrupts. My eyes widen and I stare at her as she stands up. Maybe if I just don't go with her she'll forget all about it?

"What kind do you want?" She asks happily while starting to back away slowly. Swallowing is hard again but I manage to gulp.

"Doesn't matter." I whisper. It was the loudest thing I could utter. Brittany nods and then skips down the street; only to disappear into the donut place again. Should I leave? I can't leave. Remember rule number two. I can't let anyone know. If I leave Brittany will have a million questions for me. I knew this might happen. This happens. That's why I have rule number two; so that I'm prepared when confronted with situations where I have to eat. Okay, it's okay. I'll have to eat it.

I can see her approaching me again. This time with one napkin wrapped donut in each hand. She's smiling. She's kind of far away but I can still see her smile from here. Does that mean she can tell that I'm not smiling? Quick, Santana, smile! Not that fake smile; she'll know. Think about her. If you think about her the smile will look real, because it will be real.

_Brittany's nose_. She has a really cute nose. It fits her face. I like that sometimes it looks like someone pinched a little out by the very tip and it stayed like that.

_Brittany's vampire teeth._ I like those. You can't always see them but in certain smiles you can see her third upper tooth on each side and they're really pointy.

_Brittany's mole by the end of her upper lip._ I can't not think about that; I like it so much. All the little things that make her Brittany; I like all of those. She's close now.

"Strawberry sprinkles or chocolate glazed?" She asks me and holds out her hands so I can choose. I shrug like it doesn't matter and just take one without looking. If I don't look at what I'm actually eating maybe I can pretend it's chicken or egg white, or even better; lettuce or spinach. I pinch a little piece of it, just like Brittany did with the one before and shove it in my mouth. My lips won't really part so I'm literally shoving it in there. Hm, I got the chocolate one. Hope that wasn't her favorite.

It's really good. That's the worst part. That it actually tastes really good. I hate that. It makes me want to cry a little bit; not that I can do that right now - or ever. I don't understand how my tongue can like it when every other part of me hates it so much. My throat is already protesting and threatening to shoot it out again. My stomach is growling like an angry dog at sensing something's up. I need to distract Brittany from what's happening.

"Which is your favorite donut?" I ask her after forcing myself to swallow the little bit of chocolate bread goo in my mouth. She looks up at the sky for two seconds while thinking and then the answer starts spewing out of her. I knew she'd be opinionated about this. I smile because it worked and because I still find her incredibly cute when she rambles. Every now and then I nod or hum to let her know I'm listening. She's so excited. I wish I could be that excited about something so simple.

But I can't think about that now. There are two strategies to getting through this. I can either eat really quickly so that I'll be over soon or I can eat it really slowly, which is more painful, in hopes of not having to finish all of it. Brittany takes a bite from hers but she wasn't done talking and a couple of crumbs fly out of her mouth. She lifts her hand to cover her mouth and finish chewing. While doing that she just looks at me. She kind of looks like she's expecting something from me. I lift my hand slowly. I have to let it linger by my lips for a while because they won't open right away but I finally manage to take a bite. If there's an extra napkin around here somewhere I can pretend to wipe my mouth and spit it out in it. But I can't do that with every bite. Fuck me.

"… that's why I think the powered ones are my favorite but if I think about it too long I can't choose." Brittany finishes her long rant with another bite. She smiles while she chews so her cheeks get rounder which makes her look like a cute chipmunk or something. I giggle at her and without thinking about it I take another bite of mine too. I realize it when it's in my mouth and I have to swallow. It almost comes up but I'm fairly certain I don't let that show. I would make an awesome poker player with this face.

Brittany asks me questions and I'm so relieved that for those seconds it takes for me to answer I don't have to think about the calories. Then we have a second of silence and it all comes rushing back to me. Fast. My forehead starts to sweat. I ask her questions back so she won't notice me wiping it. I can feel the goo starting to form a blob in my stomach. I can't have it there. It's so dense and… heavy. It's gonna turn into fat and it's gonna end up on my stomach or on my hips or oh god, my thighs. No. I can't. I'm nauseous. It doesn't… I can't-

"I have to go." I stand up quickly and the third of my donut I still hadn't eaten falls to the ground. Brittany stands up to. She looks worried.

"Why?" She asks and sounds so confused. The world is spinning and everything is blurry. It's too much. Blinking doesn't help. Shaking my head doesn't help.

"I just have to." I'm not sure if I say it or if I just think it before I stumble away from her and start making my way down the street. She hurries to my side.

"Do you need me to take you anywhere with my bike?" She sounds really worried.

"No, I'm good." I insist and pick up the pace. At first she stays by my side but then her silhouette disappears from my sight and I know she's stopped. I can't just… I really have to go. Right now... but I stop. I could never just leave her.

When I turn back around I see that she's pouting.

"Did I do something wrong?" She asks weakly and avoids eye contact with me. It's okay. If she looked into my eyes now she'd probably only see a blur of panic. I put my hand under her chin but don't put any effort into tilting it up. Just feeling her skin against my hand is like being grounded, closer to reality. Standing just became easier.

"You were wonderful." I coo as lovingly as I can. "I just really have to leave."

"Kay…" She sounds so small and hurt.

"Can I call you later?" I'm starting to get desperate. The second I see Brittany nodding I turn away again and hurry down the street. After I've turned the corner I start running and after a few more turns I find myself ducking behind a dumpster in an alley.

I'm consumed with nausea but I still don't throw up. Maybe my body knows I hate it and is trying to spare me. I just really need to get that blob out. NOW. My hair falls in my face but I don't care as I shove my fingers so far down my throat I don't have time to pull them away before I vomit on them.

The first couple of retches; stuff actually comes up. Dark brown, thick, smelly goo. I get it in my hair, on my clothes, and I accidentally press my palm against what's actually gotten on the ground. It's a mess. A mess I can't really see because tears are stinging and blurring everything.

I have nothing left but the gagging doesn't stop. It keeps trying to come up from all the way down in my gut. My stomach contracts and tries to spit up something that isn't there. It's like I'm making it angry and it keeps going; determined to succeed. I feel wave after wave of it going through me; making my whole body follow its command but nothing comes out. Does that mean I'm empty again? I have to be.

My fingers are dirty, partly from my own sick and party from touching the filthy ground but I don't care as I force them down my throat again. Another massive retch, I feel this one from my toes, rocks my body. I keep going until my puking has turned into sobbing. I wipe my face with the wrong hand and I smell my vomit on my face. I know this is gross. I know it's so gross. The thing is though, I feel a million times cleaner now.

I lay down on the ground and take a couple of breaths. I'm so relieved I can't help the tears streaming down my cheeks. I search for my phone in my pocket and pull it out. My fingers are shaking so badly as I find the contact and press call. It only rings once before I hear someone greet me on the other line. I hesitate before I speak.

"Can you come pick me up?"


	12. Chapter 12

Hi. Hello. How do you do? Fine thanks, and you dear sir? Splendid.

* * *

**CHAPTER 11**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_**Dear diary, **_

_I don't understand. Santana is really confusing. Things were really good and I just… I don't understand. It's not that I haven't tried to figure it out. My head kind of still hurts from thinking so hard but I still don't know why she would want to leave our date early. She didn't even kiss me or say good bye properly. She just stormed off. _

_Do you think she doesn't like me? That's what I thought at first but then I remembered that she told me she does. Well, she didn't say it to me but she told Wayne. I was just away getting him something to eat because since I found him last week I've been going there to feed him. Some day I want to fish him up and release him into the lake my dad took me to the other day. It was a pretty big lake. A lot bigger than the tiny little fountain he has to swim in now. That's not the point… the point is when I came back Santana was talking to him and she said she likes me. She also said that little Wayne looks like little Wayne which I thought was really confusing. Of course he looks like himself?_

_So if she does like me then why did she leave? I must have done something wrong. What if she knows a stole a flower from her neighbor's house? I biked past it and there were so many of them and they were purple and really pretty… almost as pretty as Santana. I wanted to give her a flower so I got off my bike and knocked on their door. I wanted to ask if I could pick one but no one opened and I was supposed to be at Santana's in just a minute so I decided to just take one. I should go back and apologize for doing that. I'll do that tomorrow. _

_I liked Santana's clothes. I've only ever seen her in her Cheerio's uniform before. She looks good in that too but she looks so tiny in it. Her arms are really, really thin and so are her legs. In her regular clothes she looks bigger. Not like fat or anything; I don't think Santana could look fat no matter how hard she tried. Sometimes when my dad and I take funny pictures I tilt my head down and press it against my chest and it looks like I have three chins and it's really funny looking. I don't think Santana would even get two; that's how thin she is. But she was really pretty in those clothes. She looked so cool. I don't think I could look that cool if I tried. Although, I also don't know how to try. When I get dressed I just pick all the things I like and put it on. Sometimes my mom tells me I can't possibly go out like that but I always scrunch my nose and wonder why because they're all pretty things. And she says they are pretty but not together. That makes no sense… how can pretty + pretty = ugly? My mom is confusing. _

_Do you want to know my favorite part of the date? I think it might be my all time favorite Santana moment. Oh, if you don't count the kissing because that was awesome, but in a different way… Okay, they can share first place. When she sat on the back of my bike and hugged me from behind. I think she was a little scared when I went fast because she would tense a little and squeeze tighter… that's why I went really fast on purpose. Maybe that's why she left? She thought I was being mean for going so fast when she was scared? I should apologize for doing that. I'll do that tomorrow. _

_Oh right! My favorite part was when I held my hand over hers. I wasn't expecting her to do anything. I just know her hands can get cold sometimes so I wanted to warm them and protect them from the cold wind but when I put my hand there Santana twisted hers around and laced her fingers with mine. I had touched her hands before but I hadn't really held one like that. It was amazing. It was cold but I knew it would be and it's okay. I want to be the one to warm her hands. Also, it was a lot harder to control the bike with just one hand but I really didn't want to let go so I didn't, until we made it to the square and stopped; then I had to let go to lock my bike. _

_Then I wanted to hug her from behind so I did that too. Did you know her pulse is really strong? I didn't either but I felt it beat in her stomach. Sometimes when I've danced for a long time I can feel my heart in my stomach too but hers was just there. She hadn't even pedaled the bike or anything. Maybe that's what I did wrong? I felt her heart in her stomach. Maybe she doesn't want people to do that? She didn't seem to want me to because she turned around and nuzzled into my neck instead. If that's the reason then cuddling me like that was a really nice way of telling me she doesn't like it. _

_I should just ask her why she left. I mean, I did do that before she left and she didn't want to tell me then but maybe she'll want to tell me tomorrow. If she doesn't then I don't know what to do. My brain is getting tired from being so confused all the time. No, if Santana doesn't want to tell me then she doesn't have to. I know she doesn't like to use words so I can wait until she's ready to say them. But there's something there and I want to find out what it is. Certain moments I can just feel it. I don't know what she's hiding but I know she's not being herself. _

_I think I need to sleep but I don't want to yet. Santana said she was gonna call me and she hasn't. I can just wait up a couple more minutes to see if she will. I can think about something else in the mean time so I don't go crazy inside my head. _

_There's a party on Friday. A really tall boy with dark hair asked me if I wanted to come. I'm really excited about it. At my old school going to parties was my favorite thing to do because that was the only place people liked me. They liked when I danced and took my clothes off and made out with anyone who wanted to kiss me. Then being in school after wasn't as much fun because then they didn't like me for doing those things anymore. Suddenly those things were bad, even though they had been cheering and telling me to do them at the party. I don't know how people think sometimes. Everything is so confusing._

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**Santana's POV **

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"Santana, are your parents home?" Quinn's voice is loud but yet so gentle. I'm laying in the backseat of her car and my whole body jumps as the car pulls up to what I assume is another speed bump or my driveway. My eyes are way too heavy to open and even if they weren't; the world would just be spinning if I opened them. I feel like I'm drunk. It makes me nervous but I couldn't possibly be, right? I haven't drunken alcohol since junior year. Also alcohol makes you warm and I'm freezing. My body is shivering and my teeth are chattering.

"What time is it?" I manage to croak out. My throat hurts. It feels like something has ripped the inside of it. Or like I threw up razorblades.

"It's eight forty-five." Quinn answers. I hear her unbuckle her seatbelt and get out of the car. Three seconds later she's wrapping her arms around me and tries to get me to sit up.

"What day is it?" I know I'm sitting up now because my head is kind of wobbly and a lot heavier to hold up. Quinn puts her hand on my cheek to keep it still. I snort because her hand isn't even cold.

"Monday." She cooees. She brushes some hair away from my face. My vomit covered hair. Ew. I shake my head.

"Mom gets home at ten and dad is never home on Mondays… dad is never home." I explain. It's really quiet and more like mumbles as oppose to words. I already regret saying it. That was way too much. That last part. Quinn shouldn't know I'm bothered by that. No one should know. I open my mouth to explain it away but nothing comes out.

"I know." She murmurs sadly before pulling me out of the car and helping me stand. I almost collapse.

"You have to walk." Quinn commands and I nod to let her know I've understood her. All I have to do now is remember how to take steps. I still won't open my eyes but I don't need to because Quinn has draped my arm over her shoulders to guide me. All I need now is those steps.

"Please walk, before the neighbors see us." Quinn whispers. She sounds desperate and her hair whips my cheek as she turns her head to look around frantically. Even though she whispered; I heard her loud and clear. What if someone knocks on the door tomorrow to ask mom if I'm alright and then she'll know something was wrong and she'll ask me questions. That risk makes for all the fuel I need to start walking. It's surprisingly easy to move forward. I don't know where I'm putting my feet but soon I can feel the temperature change and the wind die so I assume we're inside.

After the stairs and more walking Quinn undrapes my arm and lowers me to the ground. No… it's too cold to be the ground. I feel around. I'm in a bathtub. My bathroom doesn't have a bathtub so I must be in the big one. Suddenly Quinn's not cold hands are inside my shirt and my tank and she's trying to pull it up. My hands fly to the hem and I hold it down. No. No, she can't see me naked. I don't care if I have to walk around with this vomit in my hair for the rest of my life. She can't see anything. No one can.

"No!" I protest and open my eyes. They open wide and it's too light in here. They sting but I don't close them again. I wish I knew where Quinn was looking but I only see her silhouette and even that is a little fuzzy.

"I have to help you!" Quinn hollers stubbornly and tries harder to pull my shirts over my head. I have them in a death grip. I won't let go. I don't care that I don't have any strength right now. I won't let this happen. I'm not perfect yet.

"Thanks for picking me up, but I can take it from here." Was my voice always so raspy? It sounds disgusting. Quinn looks up at the ceiling and shakes her head. Then she straightens her back quickly and leaves the room. I take a deep breath. I _can_ do this. I don't need anyone. My hands are still pretty shaky as I undo the button to my jeans. I notice that my legs are pretty shaky too when I have to strain them to lift my butt and pull the pants down. They're just about off when Quinn knocks softly on the door and comes back inside. She makes a point of not looking directly at me as she puts dry, clean sweats on the sink counter and smiles weakly.

"I'll wait for you in your room." She says and leaves again. It takes several more minutes for me to maneuver my shirts over my head and when I'm down to my underwear I'm so cold I don't even bother to take them off before I turn the water on. That's also cold at first and my shriek hurts my throat even more. Then it gets warm and I turn the heat up until it's almost burning. I don't close the drain. It's too far away. I don't even sit up. I just lie here with the showerhead pressed against my chest and let the hot water stream.

This can't happen again. I need to be more in control of myself. Brittany is without a doubt going to have questions. I have to find something good to say. I could say there was an emergency... but my phone didn't even ring before I left so how do I explain finding out about it? It won't work. I could say I forgot I had plans with my mom... but then she'll wonder why I didn't just say that from the start. It's not like it's a massive secret. No, that won't work either. Maybe if I just say that I'm really sorry, that I want to make it up to her if she'll let me and that it won't ever happen again then maybe she won't ask.

I can't stop seeing her. I mean, I _could_. I can do anything I want to. That's the point; I don't want to. I have a really good time with her. She makes me feel… She just makes me feel. And that feels good. When I'm with her it's like this new kind of… happy. I never meant to start liking her but _I do_. It might be a complication but I'll just have to work around it. Next time I can take charge of our date and I can make sure it doesn't involve eating and if it does, it won't be something like donuts. Even thinking the word makes me want to puke again. I've never felt as dirty as I did when it was inside me. That's another thing that can't happen again.

_Look at you, Santana. Assuming Brittany will ever want to come near you again. You're such a fucking idiot. What do you have that she can't get anywhere else? _Shut up. _She's beautiful, she's innocent, she's everything that's good in this miserable stinking world and what are you? _Stop it, she likes me. She's said so herself. Twice. _She's lying. What makes you think she isn't? You're not the only one who knows how to lie, Santana._ I said shut up! _You're worthless. How long have you been trying now? And you're still not perfect. You're never gonna be perfect, Santana. _I'll work harder. _You're already failing. _It won't happen again. _You suck so badly. You're never gonna succeed. _Yes, I will! Leave me alone!

I wipe my face. My cheeks are wet and I know the water hasn't been able to reach my face. I sit up abruptly and grab the shampoo. I wash my hair, I wash my face, I wash my hands, I wash my body. I take my wet underwear off and dry myself with a towel before putting on the clothes Quinn left for me. They're huge. It makes me smile that she knows exactly what kind of clothes I wanted right now. I put my hair up in a bun before I go back to my room. Quinn's lying on my bed and reading a book. She closes it and scoots up a little when she sees me.

"Feeling better?" She asks gingerly and tilts her head to the side. I just nod. Physically I do feel better but my mind can't stop going over how I'm going to manage the damage control of what happened tonight. She waves me over to her and to my surprise my feet let me walk over to her. She pulls me down and wraps her arms around me; rocking me gently. I bury my face in her shirt. She smells like Quinn. I haven't smelled it in a long time. I haven't been close enough.

"I'll help you clean your car." I murmur. She chuckles and strokes my neck. Why aren't her hands cold? I'm too sleepy to ponder. I want her to sing to me. She used to do that all the time before, but I'm too afraid to ask so I just lie here in her arms.

"Finn's having a party on Friday if you want to come?" She says after a while. She knows I don't want to go. I haven't been to a party in so long. I'm not comfortable at all at parties. Parties have people everywhere and there's alcohol everywhere. Drunk people don't listen to anything. They just keep pushing and pushing and pushing. I just can't. Quinn's waiting but I don't say anything. I don't even move.

"I'm going… I think I'm gonna drink." She continues. I freeze.

"Alcohol?" My question is sharp. Like a knife. I feel her shake a little as she nods. I sit up slowly and twist so I can look at her.

"Do you know how many calories are in that?" My hand comes up as I talk. I just need her to see the severity of what she's saying. I don't think she even realizes it. She can't be thinking straight right now.

"Santana, this isn't fun anymore." She sighs and slams her palms against my mattress in frustration.

"_Fun?_ This was never_ fun_." I spit back. She's scaring me. Why does she look like that? Why is she looking at me like that? This isn't the Quinn I'm used to. The Quinn who counts every single calorie she eats, tries to estimate every single calorie she throws up and then exercises away the difference. I don't know what I'm going to do without that Quinn. I should have known… No, _I knew!_ I knew that when she started dating Finn it would change everything! She told me she was still here but I knew better. She scoots closer to me. I don't want to be closer.

"You know what I mean. I want… normal back. This, whatever this is-" She's so defeated; like she has completely given up. You can't give up, Quinn.

"I get it. Life freakin' sucks." I snap just to make her shut up. I'm not gonna let her focus on the bad stuff. So it's hard sometimes? So you get headaches, so you faint sometimes? So you have to lie to people that you, maybe, care about and sometimes it's lonely? So freaking what? This is the only way that works. We used to agree on that. She used to know that.

"You can't tell me that you're happy." Quinn says sadly.

"Yes, I can." I respond quickly. I'm not unhappy. I'm perfectly happy.

"Stop being so stubborn!" Quinn shouts and stands up from the bed. She's frustrated, I can tell. So am I. This isn't right.

"Stop being so stupid!" I shout back and throw a pillow at her. She catches it and hugs it closer to her stomach. She takes a few quiet steps towards me again until she's standing right in front of me. I don't like that look. I don't like this at all.

"Santana, you're sick." She whispers and hands the pillow back to me. A wave of stuff goes through me. Mostly fear and anger but I'll never admit to her that I'm scared. Especially not since she's the one scaring me.

"If I am then you are." I retort. It's a little sharper than I meant it to be. I wanted it to be a casual dismissal.

"I know." Quinn sighs. "I want to get better."

There is no better. This is the better. Everything else is bullshit. There's nothing more right than this. This is the only thing keeping me safe. If she wants to stop this then… does that mean telling people? She can't do that. No, no one can ever know.

"I know what I'm doing." I say sternly. If she's leaving then she's leaving but she's not dragging me down with her. I won't stop yet. I know I'll be perfect soon. It's so close and I'm not gonna let everything I worked so hard for go wasted. Nu-uh!

"I don't think you do. Santana, I had to pick you up from a fucking alley where you'd been puking your guts out!" Quinn's screaming again. She's never scolded me like this before.

"Shut the fuck up, Fabray!" My throat hurts but I shout back. I refuse to listen to her. She's wrong. She's so wrong. My chest is heaving and my eyes flickering around the room. This is too much for one night. I think I'm gonna pass out. Quinn's posture falls a little. She looks at her wristwatch and then back up at me.

"You're mom's gonna be home soon. I should go." Quinn sighs again but gives me one last pleading look.

"Then go." I shrug. She doesn't. She stands in the same spot and stares at me. Shit got real tonight. She opens her mouth but closes it again. I raise my eyebrows at her. I just want her to leave so I can lie down without anyone seeing me be weak.

"I'm your friend." She offers and then she turns around and exits my room. She has no idea what she's doing. I'm not even gonna stop her. As long as she doesn't… I chase after her and catch her right before she's about to go down the stairs.

"Quinn! You do what you want, but if you tell _anyone_ about me-" I start.

"Yeah, yeah, you'll go all Lima Heights on me. Gotcha." Quinn interrupts, kind of sarcastically, and rolls her eyes.

"No." I breathe. "I'll kill you."

The second I hear the door slam I collapse on my bed. I close my eyes but I still see Quinn's wide hazel ones staring back at me. That's all she did. She stared at me for what felt like several minutes and then she just turned around and hurried down the stairs.

The first sob makes my chest jump and I press the heels of my palms against my eyes. It's like I'm trying to push the tears back in. I don't do this. I don't cry, and this is, what? The third time I've cried today? I'm not generally this weak. I don't know what's up. I know it has to stop but it won't right now. When I hear the door slam again I know it's after ten and my mom is home. It's so tempting to just get up and go hug her. Or wait until she's gone to bed and crawl in with her like I did when I was a kid and had nightmares. She'd always tell fairytales in Spanish until I had fallen back to sleep and I miss it. _Santana, you need to stop. No more emotions. Just close that jar again._ I take a deep breath and I hold it in until I think my face has gone blue. Then I let it out slowly. It helps.

I stare at the ceiling for a while. I wish Brittany were here. She'd let me hug her without making me feel weak or stupid about it. My phone is right there on my nightstand so I reach for it. It's kind of shiny. Last time I saw it I had smeared puke all over it. Quinn must have cleaned it. I slide my thumb across it and it unlocks. My conversation with Brittany is open. That's odd because the last time I used it was to call Quinn to come pick me up. Guess Quinn did more than clean it. I don't even care.

I look at the time. It's a quarter past ten. Maybe it's too late to call? I can't just go to sleep though. Not without talking to her.

_**Santana:** Are you sleeping?_

_**Brittany:** No_

_**Santana:** Can I call you? _

_**Brittany:** You don't have to ask _

Calling people makes me nervous. I prefer texting because it's so much easier. If someone says something you don't know how to reply to you can just pretend you left your phone somewhere and then when you answer hours later it's not even weird. Every quiet second during a phone call, on the other hand, is really awkward. And how do you even hang up? In the movies people don't even say good bye; they just drop the phone. Not how it works. I'll figure it out. I just really want her voice right now. I click on her name and bring the phone to my ear.

_Hi. _

"Hey."

_Are you okay?_

"I won't do that again. I promise!"

_It's okay. If you're okay then it's okay. _

"I'm fine. I'm good. I'm really sorry."

_Santana, it's okay. I was just worried I had… done something to upset you. _

"No. No. You didn't, it was just me. I'm so stupid sometimes but I won't do that again."

_Okay. _

"I mean… if there is an again?"

_Do you want there to be an again?_

"I want lots of agains with you."

_Me too. _

"Yeah?"

_Yeah. _

It's quiet for a while. At first it freaks me out because of the awkward factor but then it's not as awkward as I expected it to be. It's not dead quiet. I can hear her breathe and sometimes I also hear her moving around.

_Are you sleeping?_

"No… I just like hearing you breathe. Do you want to sleep?"

_I don't want to hang up. _

"We don't have to."

_Okay. _

"I'm going to ask you out tomorrow."

_You are?_

"Yes. Just so you know…"

_Okay, I'll come prepared then. _

"Good night, Britt."

_Night, San. _


	13. Chapter 13

Soooooo... tomorrow is my birthday you guys! Turning 20. On the 20th. YAY! :D

* * *

**CHAPTER 12**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

**_Dear diary, _**

_Santana didn't unconfuse me, but she did make everything better. She finally called last night and she said she was sorry and that she wasn't going to do that again. And you know what else she said? That she said she wants lots of agains with me. That made me really giddy inside because I want that too. I want that so much. I think I really like her for real. _

_Like when I liked that boy Peter at my old school, do you remember him, diary? He's the one who told me he didn't want to kiss me because I was so dirty from kissing all the other boys (and girls) I had kissed. I was really sad after that and not even a camping trip with my dad made me happy again. I remember that. I really liked him even after he made me sad. Now I don't like him anymore, but I think I like Santana just as much. Maybe even more because she doesn't say I'm dirty and she seems to want to kiss me. Or at least she did that night. _

_I still wish she had kissed me on our date but she didn't. Maybe she actually doesn't want to kiss me again? Maybe she doesn't think I'm a good kisser? I should practice my kissing. How though? Lord Tubbington already made it very clear he doesn't want to kiss me by biting my lip that one time I tried. And I don't want to kiss a person unless it's Santana. That's new because I've never felt that before, even when I liked Peter.. Before I've only felt like I really like kissing and want to do it a lot. Now I still like kissing but thinking about me kissing anyone else but Santana is weird. My brain doesn't like it and keeps changing their face to Santana anyways. _

_You know those nights when I put you in my nightstand instead of under my pillow like usual? That's not because I'm trying to be mean, diary. It's because I play… with myself. Last time I did that was Sunday (I also did it twice on Saturday) and I started by thinking about me kissing Sophia Bush from One Tree Hill (she plays Brooke) but then the next time I looked it was Santana. It was Santana taking off my shirt and it was Santana squeezing my boobs. Then I pretended that my fingers were Santana's fingers. _

_She's still on the phone. She hasn't woken up yet. I shouldn't be awake either. It's like 5am. I think I woke up from being excited and now I can't fall back asleep. Santana said she was going to ask me out today. I wonder why she told me she was going to do it instead of just doing it. It's not that I don't like it because I think it's kind of charming but I'm just trying to figure out all the things she does. Because I like them. Maybe it was to gather courage? I mean, if she says she's going to then she kind of has to, so she can't chicken out. Even though I know it's going to happen I'm still really nervous about it. _

_I started deciding what I wanted to wear and then I remembered that I have to wear my Cheerio's clothes. They're nice but so boring after a while. That time I tried to wear my panda scarf over it Coach Sylvester got really mad and ripped it half. She can be really mean sometimes but every time she's mean to me Santana makes it better. Sometimes when I'm being clumsy Santana will mess up worse so Coach will shift her focus away from me or sometimes when Coach is just being mean for no reason Santana will smile at me and then that makes it all better. _

_Santana snores. Just a little and you can only hear it sometimes but it's the cutest noise ever. She doing it right now; that's why I'm a little distracted. I wonder if I snore. I think I fell asleep first last night because I was really sleepy and Santana didn't sound tired when she talked. She actually sounded a little sad. I really don't like it when she's sad. I hope when she wakes up she'll be happier._

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I haven't even gotten to school yet and I'm already nervous. I'm nervous for two reasons. One is seeing Quinn again. I mean… I did kind of say that I would murder her yesterday. And I did kind of mean it. At least in that moment I did. I don't know if we're fighting again, or if we're just going to pretend nothing happened or if we're going to pretend we were never friends. I'm tempted to do the last one because I'm still scared to be around her. She's like an instable bomb. Or at least she seems to be with all the things she said last night. She looked so serious too. She wasn't kidding. I know she wasn't.

She said I was sick. That's what got to me the most. Because I'm really not. I just wish this whole world could see that. This way is the only way that works. I could stop if I wanted to. I really can do anything I want to. I'm in control here. Always. I just don't want to stop yet because I haven't reached my goal yet. It's only like a couple more lbs. _Didn't you say that a couple of lbs ago? _Shut up!

No. Quinn doesn't know what she's talking about. It's not a big deal. It's just a little while longer.

I'm also nervous because I'm asking Brittany out today. I mean, I said I would so now I can't chicken out or she'll wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Should I do it right away? Or should I wait until lunch? Or even until after school's over? Maybe I'll just chill and see if I run into her. What should I say when I do? I've been trying to word this in my head all morning but it won't come out right. But I know that the more specific I make the plan the better. I'll tell her a day and a time and a location and an activity. I just… haven't even figured all those out yet. I was distracted.

She woke me up this morning. Not intentionally. I think she forgot I was on the phone with her because she started singing. The phone had sort of made its way away from my ear during the night but I still heard her. I wanted to listen for a while so I didn't let her know I had woken up right away. I really like her voice. I didn't know she could sing. I would have joined her but my throat is still hurting a little. It's a lot better but I would have probably sounded awful and I didn't want her to hear that. I want her to like my singing because I like to sing. I used to sing to my dad all the time when I was younger. Then as I got older he got more and more stressed and tired of listening to me so there wasn't really a reason to sing anymore. I still do sometimes anyways. But only secretly.

We talked for a little while after she was done singing. It was nice. I didn't say much but she talked a lot. I don't know how words just flow so easily out of her. It's like she's not even thinking things through before she says them. It's really refreshing and fun to listen to. Then my alarm went off which meant that it was 6am and I had to get up and go for my run. She asked me if she could come with me on a run some day and I said yes, but that's not gonna happen.

I turn the corner and I see McKinley. My steps slow down automatically. I don't want to go to school today. I just don't want to. I feel someone smack my ass and just as I am about to turn around and punch Sebastian so hard in the face he'll feel it in his balls; a bike swishes by and Brittany smiles at me before she has to turn her face back to look forward so she won't crash into anything. Did she just…? Did that really just happen? I can't help but giggle a little and then my steps feel lighter again. She makes everything okay just by being.

* * *

Quinn's been trying to talk to me. I've noticed and I've avoided her. Quite successfully I might add. Now she's literally chasing me down the hallway. Thank god it's lunch time and they're relatively empty.

"I just want to talk, Santana." I hear her calling behind me.

"No. Go away." I call back and turn the corner. If I turn enough corners maybe I'll lose her. Wait. Is that…? She's running, isn't she? Before I have a chance to look over my shoulder to confirm it, or start running myself, she grabs my arms and pulls me into an empty classroom.

"I don't like to talk!" I call out desperately. It's not even directed to her. I just wish she'd leave me alone and stop confusing me with her stupid words. I back away from her until the back of my thighs hit the teacher's desk. Quinn crosses her arms over her chest and attempts to start a staring duel.

"At all or just with me?" She challenges. She sounds snarky. I didn't even do anything. She's the one who started dating Finn and she's literally spending all her free time with him. She's the one who is gonna stop… _it._ This kinda reminds me of how it used to be that summer. Sometimes after we had kissed she'd suddenly be mad at me for it when it was she who started it most of the time anyways.

"What is that supposed to mean?" It's not even snappy. I just exhale it like she's tiring me because frankly she is. I know someone who's if definitely _not _missing her periods…

"It means I know you're dating Brittany." Quinn sounds like she's accusing me of something. That makes no sense. She's dating someone too.

"Yeah, I am." I answer simply. It's not even a secret. I mean Quinn knows I never liked dating boys and it's not like Brittany and I are being subtle. Our date was in public and she has even kissed my cheek in school twice, and I've kissed hers.

"What about me?" Quinn asks it like it's obvious. How can it be obvious? I had to spend months just repeating to myself that it wasn't ever going to happen and now she wants me to just forget that? Because she's jealous of Brittany?

"What about you, Quinn? You can't honestly look me in the eye and tell me you're in love with me." I snap and even shoot forward, in a kinda threatening way, from leaning against the desk behind me.

"No."

"Then what about you Quinn? Hmm? What about you?" I ask again. I'm angry now. I can feel it in my heart. It's doing that flickering thing it does when I'm pissed the fuck off.

"Everything else is more important than me!" Quinn shrieks. I hate when her voice does that. She usually doesn't go that high when she yells but when she does it feels like my ears are bleeding. She calms down just as quickly as she flared up and shakes her head sadly.

"I'm losing you" She murmurs. If she thinks something like that, playing the guilt card, is gonna crack me; she's wrong.

"So you're trying to win me by turning my freakin' life upside down?" I challenge and don't let my harsh exterior falter.

"That's not why I'm doing any of this." She insists; whinier than ever.

"I don't care why you're doing it! You have to stop. First you say one thing and then another and I don't understand what you want!" I holler.

"I miss you." She sighs. "I miss us. _The old us_. The freshmen us, the sophomore us, even the junior us before _it_ started. I want that back, so that when we're 27 or 87 I want us to be able to look back on these last couple of months and talk about how it was the best times of our lives." Quinn sounds so far away, like she's in some fantasy land. Too bad her beautiful dream is my worst nightmare.

"Quinn, I'm not stopping." I say matter of factly. Can she just get that through her fat head? She nods bitterly and bites her lip.

"I told my mom." She states after a moment of silence. My eyes go wide.

"Did you-" I hear my voice raising but Quinn puts her hand up to shush me.

"Relax. I didn't say anything about you." She informs comfortingly which immediately calms me again.

"W-what did she say?"

"She cried. A lot. And she's gonna let me see a therapist."

"Good for you." I smile. No, it's not. It's horrible brainwash.

"You can tag along if you-"

"Quinn don't." I sigh. Just give up already. There's a long pause.

"We're still friends, right? We used to have other things in common too?" Quinn's eyes are hopeful. I wonder why she's even trying so hard to hold on to us. If she meant everything she just said then basically what she said is that there hasn't been an _'us'_ for almost a year. Quinn, you're officially off my trust list; leaving a grand total of_ zero_ people. What about Brittany? I feel like I trust her… maybe. I obviously can't tell her about _it,_ but I can trust her with other things. Maybe that counts as half a person?

"Yeah, we're friends." I smile while saying it. Please, don't look fake.

"So I'm not losing to Brittany?" She asks coyly but happily.

"No." I shake my head so she can't really focus on my eyes while I say it.

"Good." Quinn says through a smile of her own that definitely doesn't look fake. This is good actually. Maybe this will reassure her enough to stop bothering me for a while. She turns around to leave.

"But hey, Quinn!" I call before she's gone. "Stop bullying her." It's an order. Maybe it doesn't sound like one but it definitely is one. I don't want to see the hurt in Brittany's eyes every time Quinn comes up in a conversation. Quinn looks over her shoulder with a teasing grin.

"Are you gonna kill me if I don't?" She jokes. I snort a laugh.

"No... Just go all Lima heights on your ass."

* * *

I'm marching fast down the hallway. Almost half the lunch break has passed and I still haven't asked Brittany out. I think I have a fairly alright plan now so all I have to do is find her.

There she is. She's by her locker and as usual she's got a mess of books and papers around her. Maybe it's good that they gave her a bottom one so she can sit on her butt and sort everything out in peace. I sneak up and squat behind her; leaning closer until my lips are right by her ear.

"Hi, Britt-Britt." I say in my flirtiest voice. She gets a little startled and when she jumps slightly my boobs press against her back.

"Hey." She greets and turns her face to me and since I haven't moved my lips away; they press against her cheek. She giggles out an '_oops'_ but doesn't move. I draw my lips back and forth softly because she's so smooth and I just can't help myself. She hums and I think that for a second; we both forget we're in a hallway with other people.

"So there was something I wanted to ask you." I purr and play with a few loose hairs in her neck.

"Is that so…?" She flirts but remains completely frozen so I won't stop touching her.

"It's a math question." I tease and tickle her side. Only for a second though. I don't know if she's one of those people who actually likes tickling because it tickles them or one who hates it because really; it just fucking hurts. I'm definitely the latter.

"Stop it!" She pouts but she can't really hold down her smile.

"Just kidding." I coo. "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to… go out on a date with me. On Friday." The flirting just now was easy but the actual asking her out was a lot harder. I almost fall backwards because Brittany decides to suddenly turn around. I don't though because she catches me and pulls me into a hug.

"Yes!" She answers brightly but the hug has barely begun before she pushes me away again. "Wait. No."

"No?" I ask. Oh. At least now I know how I made Brittany feel when I said no in the hallway yesterday.

"There's a party on Friday. Aren't you going?" Brittany looks confused and overwhelmed like so many thoughts are spinning in her head. Oh sweetie, I didn't mean to.

"Oh… No, I'm not going." I shake my head gently. I should come up with a lie to explain why. It's gonna be hard since she obviously knows I don't have any plans if I wanted to make plans with her. "But you should go." I add quickly instead.

"You sure? I'd rather… you know, I'd rather spend time with you." She focuses her eyes on my shoulder and plays with a loose thread of my uniform but kinda glances up at me between words.

"That's sweet but I'd feel bad stealing you away from all your new friends." I say happily. I'm actually happy for her if she's making friends. Maybe I'm a little jealous because I want to be her only person. Or maybe that's not true but I want to be her most important one.

"But why aren't you going?" She whines and gives me a taste of her puppy eyes. They can really look big if she tries and it seems to be a skill she's mastered quite well. So freakin' cute! … Uh, right. A lie. I need a lie quickly!

"I… have- I mean- uhh, my dad won't let me go." That was smooth, Santana. So smooth. Almost no stuttering at all. _You suck._

"That's so funny! My dad won't let me go either." Brittany beams like it's a good thing. She's probably just excited about the coincidence. How much have I thought about her cuteness today? Not enough? Okay; she's so freakin' cute!

"But you're going anyway?"

"He doesn't know." She brings her index fingers to her lips, almost like she's biting her nails but she just looks really sneaky.

"Won't he notice you're gone?" I narrow my eyes. I fear she hasn't quite figured this whole deceiving the world thing out just yet.

"Uhhmm… I told him I'm spending the night at my friend Santana's house…" She kinda drags some of her words out while others are super fast and I kind of have to think for a second before I realize what she's actually said. I was at least wrong about her innocence. She knows how it's done.

"Your friend Santana, huh?" I smirk and lift my eyebrow. Actually, I don't even lift it, it just comes up automatically. Brittany nods matter of factly.

"My special friend Santana." She murmurs.

"Do you want to?" I blurt. I meant to say that, right? Or was that really stupid? It was probably really stupid but I want it.

"Want to what?" She asks curiously like that was something I just took out of nowhere.

"Come over to my house after the party. And spend the night." I explain. Shit. Maybe that was just her way of offering me a way to take it back so she won't have to reject it.

"Oh…" She says. It's not even an airy sort of exhale. It's an actual word-like _'oh'._

"You don't have to." I say quickly and put up my hands like they will protect me from the blow of rejection I'm about to be hit with.

"No. I want to. If I can." Brittany smiles and she seems to think that me putting my hands up was an invitation for her to press her palms flat against mine. To the other people in this hallway we probably look like… I don't even know what. Pocahontas and John Smith's mating ritual?

"I just told you, you could." I confirm and tilt my head to the side. She tilts her to the other side but keeps looking into my eyes. We probably look like delusional chipmunks. I don't even care. Not when she's looking at me like that.

"Cool."


	14. Chapter 14

Hey! Thank you so much for all your schweeeeet birthday congratulations. Loved it. Also love; all your reviews. Thank you! **HUGS FOR EVERYONE! **

* * *

**CHAPTER 13**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_**Dear diary, **_

_Sorry I haven't been writing lately but I've been kind of busy. You've missed so much I don't even know where to start. _

_Did you know Santana goes running every morning at 6am? I didn't know that. She told me that on the phone this Tuesday after she woke up. I wanted to wake her up but I didn't know how so I sang to her. It was quiet at first but then I liked the song so much I almost forgot she could hear me. Then when she woke up we only talked for a little while before her alarm started shrieking. It was the most annoying sound. Anyways, that's when she said she had to go running and I asked why and she said she does it every morning and when I asked why she said just because. That's a weird reason. Maybe she likes running though. I've never liked it that much. I prefer dancing or biking but I don't do either of those at 6am. Somehow I still ended up asking if I could come with her some time. I hope she doesn't take me up on that. _

_Quinn looked at me funny in school that day. She even sat next to me in class and tried to look nice but she only looked weird when she smiled like that. I think she maybe wanted to talk to me about something but she never did. She would just turn to me and open her mouth and then it hung there for a while before she closed it again. It was just weird. Maybe because I'm going to that boy's party she wanted to make friends with me. If she does; that's really nice. I should talk to her at the party. _

_Okay so that was the weird stuff. Now to the good stuff. Santana and I have hung out almost every day this week. Wait… Our first date was Monday and we hung out Wednesday and Thursday. Maybe that wasn't as much as I thought in my head. I don't know… it just feels like I've known her forever… and also like I still don't really know her. She can still be confusing and she still doesn't always use words but she's really sweet and funny. She always listens to me; to all my things. I know sometimes I talk too much and that's when my mom usually clears her throat and tells me girls shouldn't use so many words, but Santana listens to all of them and she doesn't even seem to get annoyed with me. _

_She asked me out for Friday but the party was Friday and I wanted to go, plus I had told that tall boy I was coming so it would be rude not to go. I said if she really wanted me to then I could skip it but she said it was fine and she even agreed to let me sleep at her house after so my dad won't think I'm out late with boys. That was really sweet of her and it makes my insides really tingly to think about spending the night with Santana. _

_And that's tonight! Tonight's the party. Even though I think I'm the most excited about coming to Santana's house after and sleep I am excited about the party too. I stole some wine from my mom earlier this week that I've hidden in my sock drawer. She still hasn't noticed so I don't think she will. __  
_

_My mom rarely drinks wine so I don't know why she buys so much of it, but I think she likes to look at it because she has really pretty shelves with really pretty bottles on them. When grandpa comes over, which he still hasn't done since we moved to Ohio because now he lives far away, mom and him just stand by the shelves and look at the bottles and talk about grapes. That doesn't even make sense. Grapes and wine are two different things and you can't even confuse them because you eat grapes and drink wine. Then they open a bottle and pour a little in a glass each and then they smell it and take tiny sips and smack their gums and smell it again. I dunno… That's not how I drink wine. _

_I've decided what I'm gonna wear. That wasn't even hard. I just picked a dress a dress that I like. I like it because it's green and green is a pretty color. I actually think every color is pretty but green is special. It was harder to pick out pyjamas. That's what I'm gonna wear at Santana's. I mean, she'll see the dress too but not for long because I'll probably come to her house pretty late and she'll be tired and will want to sleep right away. I think. I chose pyjama shorts and my farm T-shirt. I like it because it has so many animals on it. Oh, and because it's kinda big around the neck so it doesn't strangle me in my sleep, which is always a bonus. I hope Santana will like it too. _

_You know… she still hasn't kissed me again. Sometimes she looks like she wants to because she will look at my lips and lick her own but just when I think she's gonna lean in – she doesn't. She just clenches her jaw and takes a deep breath and doesn't kiss me. It's so frustrating! I tried to kiss her yesterday. I was so close too but then someone knocked on the door to her room so she flinched back and then her dad opened the door. Her dad is really hot. I mean, I still like Santana the most but he's really sexy even if he's old. My favorite thing about him is his eyes, and that's only because Santana has the exact same ones. Anyways, after he came in Santana told me I had to go home so I did. _

_So now I really think she doesn't like to kiss me. What else could it be? Maybe I should just ask her because I don't think I can keep from kissing her much longer. I feel like I look at her lips all the time. It's like they call to me, or hypnotize me or something. What if she never wants to kiss me again, diary?_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The party has already started. I was gonna call it a stupid party but I won't because without it; Brittany wouldn't be coming over tonight and I'm so excited that she will. I mean, we'll probably just sleep but still. I wonder if… should I offer her the guest room? Or should I just let her sleep in my bed? It's pretty obvious that we have a guest room because we have like 12 extra rooms that we don't even use. Mom has let her inner decorator loose and turned like four of them into different guest rooms. One for couples, one for kids, one for singles and one specifically for relatives from mom's side of the family. The latter is basically just Aubela's room.

I'll just ask her what she wants and let her decide. That's easier. But I hope she chooses my bed. It's a pretty big bed anyways so it's not like we'd have to even touch during the night. Although I hope we do touch. I've become quite comfortable with her touching me. It tingles every time, but I don't worry so much about where her hands go and what she might be feeling under my clothes. Sometimes when she comes closer to my stomach and my hips I'll make sure to straighten out my back and suck it in so I won't attack her hand with my excessive fat. What she does most of the time though, is play with my hair and trace my facial features. I think she likes to do that and I always end up with my head in her lap so it just happens.

We haven't kissed again. She was so close to kissing me yesterday. She scooted closer in my bed and then she just sort of looked at me for a while. I asked her "_what?_" and she put her hand on my cheek and she came closer in slow motion. The way she moved was like painfully slow and I wanted so badly to meet her halfway but my body wouldn't let me and then it was just about to happen when my dad knocked on the door.

I hope she's not upset with me. She didn't seem upset with me but you never know. I practically threw her out of my house. It's just… my dad came home. Actually home. Not just to sleep or pack a new suitcase or get some work documents but actually home for an entire afternoon and evening. I didn't even know he would, but all of a sudden there he was; in my room.

Him and mom had dinner while I did homework in my room and then dad and I had cigars out on the patio. He took off his socks and rolled up his suit pants a little. It was the most relaxed I had seen him in months. It was actually the most I had seen him in months, period. It was nice. He didn't say much at first but then he asked a couple of questions about school and graduation and he even smiled a little that I had my future planned out. I had been dying to tell him about colleges and stuff and he said that he would help me apply and make sure I got into wherever I wanted to go. It was so amazing. I think it was all I needed to get back on track. I wavered there for a bit with this Brittany thing being new and Quinn being super confusing but he brought me back to earth.

I smoked my cigar super slowly and I think he did too but it had to end sometime. Before he got up he asked me if I was thinner than usual and I said _"of course not, papi, don't be silly. Mami feeds me like a horse_" and he said "_good, mija"_ and then he went to bed. That made me smile. It's weird. On the one hand I need to keep this secret from everyone, but on the other I want everyone to know. I want people to notice that I'm getting closer. I like when the other girls on the Cheerio's ask me how I stay so skinny, I like when people automatically give me the smallest size of everything without even asking. I just like when people acknowledge that I'm thin. It's when they start creeping over to the sick and the helping and the _"it can't be healthy"_ that I have to put my foot down and distract them with lies.

Speaking of; I'm so relieved Brittany didn't ask questions about what happened at our date. I think she stills wants to know because sometimes everything will kind of stop and she looks at me like she's trying to figure me out. It makes me hot and nervous and I always give her a compliment or tell a joke to get her to laugh in stead. It works. I don't think she knows. And the two times we hung out this week, yesterday and Wednesday, we were at my house so I was in full control. Yesterday she didn't stay long enough for dinner to come up but on Wednesday we made a big plate of snacks that we took up to my room and when she_ was_ looking I took things from the plate and when she _wasn't_ looking I hid them somewhere in my room. After fake eating five or six of them I pretended to be really full. Then after I drove her home I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find them all again. I only found five which is weird because I distinctly remember taking the sixth from the plate. I'm sure it's somewhere…

I slide the terrace door open and go inside. The good thing about Brittany coming late is that I could go for my run without having to take her with me or explain myself and leave her in my room waiting or something. The bad thing is… what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Shower obviously, because there's no way I'm letting Brittany smell me fresh from a run, but even with dragging that out; it won't take more than an hour. Hour and a half tops. Then what? It's like 11pm. Who knows how long this party will last? Maybe she'll stay until 3am. Maybe she's one of those girls who parties until dawn. Maybe she'll get a little drunk and pass out somewhere and not come at all? Maybe she'll have such a good time that she won't even want to come? Maybe I shouldn't worry so much?

...

I was right. I shouldn't worry so much. After spending some time in front of the mirror, showering, drying my hair, choosing night attire and barely seeing the first five minutes of a movie; the doorbell rings. It's a funny ring. Two quick ones, a long pause, and then one more. I hope it didn't wake my mom. Brittany and I agreed she would text or call me when she was on her way but I'm still pretty sure it's her at the door. Who else would it be at 1am?

I go downstairs but when I open the door I don't see anyone. Until I look down and find Brittany sitting on the stairs to my front porch. I grab a blanket from the couch and close the door quietly; making sure it's unlocked so we can get back inside. I sit down next to her with the blanket wrapped around me. It's so cold out. And of course she's not dressed in anything but a green dress; her legs are out, her arms are out, her chest is kind of out, her back is also not particularly covered. She grins when she sees me and hops a little closer. Her smile is really toothy and goofy looking.

"Did you have fun?" I ask her. I want her to have had fun but maybe not too much fun. Not without me. 1am is kind of early to leave a party though so I hope nothing bad happened. If people were mean to her I will-

"Yeah." She says casually. "But I left early." She adds and shrugs. I can't tell how drunk she is. She didn't sound very drunk at all just now but her body language tells me differently. She's slightly swaying back and forth, and I don't even think she knows she's doing it. She told me she took some wine from her mom and I know she was excited about drinking it.

"Why?" I ask gently. Not, at all, complaining. Just curious. She doesn't say anything. She just leans her head down on my shoulder. It wobbles a little before she finds a good, balanced place to put it. Then it becomes heavier and she takes a deep breath and sighs.

"You smell nice." She murmurs and buries her nose in the crook of my neck. Now I'm kinda glad I put an effort into smelling nice for her. I'm glad she's here with me now and I'm glad she's cuddling into me. I take the blanket and drape it over her shoulder so it's wrapped around the both of us and then we both sigh contently at the same time, which makes us giggle at the same time.

Brittany lifts her head again and I can tell she's looking at me so I turn to look at her too. We're close. Under-the-same-blanket-close. I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her so bad. I don't know why it's been so hard to do it again this week but now I just feel like I have to or I might die. I look at her lips. I look at them and when my eyes flicker to hers for a second I can see her watching me look at them. It's almost too cliché being outside in the dark with the starts and the moon and under the blanket but I can't help it. I put my hand on the back of her neck and I won't have to pull her far. It's just a tiny little space between us that needs to be closed.

"Is it cheating if I kissed someone else tonight?" Brittany's words stop me. My hand falls. I don't even bring it down; it just falls. Like someone cut its power chord.

"Did you?" I don't bother answering her question. _'Did you'_ is all I wanna know. She looks at me. She doesn't look away, she doesn't avoid my eyes, but she doesn't say anything. Why isn't she answering? I just wanna ask again and again until she answers. Did you? Did you? Did you?

"No." She shakes her head. Lbs, just thousands of lbs off my shoulders. "Sebastian tried to kiss me but I didn't let him." She says and smiles faintly. "Then I left."

God, I hate that stupid fucker. He just has to mess with everything! I wish I could kick him in the peanuts. Not even that. I wish I could cut them off and jump up and down on them until they turned into peanut butter. Grossest mental picture. Ever. I turn to face forwards again and look up at the moon. It's big. Not a full moon but still big.

If Brittany had kissed him… would it have been cheating? I don't want her to. I don't want her lips to touch anyone but me, like… ever. But isn't it too soon to ask her not to kiss anyone else? I mean, I know I won't kiss anyone else because I'm still a little surprised by the fact that I even want to kiss Brittany. I haven't wanted to kiss anyone for so long. Even if I did want to kiss other people I think that desire would pale in comparison to how much I want to kiss Brittany. Just look at her legs. Her creamy legs. I want to kiss every part of her. Look at her arms. Her strong arms. I wonder how my lips would feel against her muscles. Look at her ey- she's looking back. She wants me to say something.

"Are you thinking?" She asks softly and I can see in her eyes now... she's a little drunk. She brushes away some hair from my face. She always finds an excuse to touch me like that. An excuse to give me tingles. I wonder if Sebastian feels the same tingles when she touches him. I don't want her to give other people tingles. Geez, Santana… you're so jealous. She hasn't even done anything.

"I don't want you to kiss anyone else." I state in a blurt and quickly turn my face away again. I shouldn't have said that. Now she'll feel like I'm too possessive. Not sexy. At all. _Always so fucking stupid. _She fumbles with her hand in my lap until she's found mine and interlocks our fingers like I did on her bike that time. I look at it. How does she always do this? Every time I think I've messed up she makes it _so good. _She's good for me.

"Me neither." She whispers finally. It comes so long after what I said that I had almost forgotten what she was replying to. Still it makes me smile. She yawns and instead of asking if she's tired I just assume she is so I stand up and pull her with me; leading her all the way up my room. Screw asking her if she wants the guest room.

I realize she doesn't have a bag and pretty soon I can see her realizing the same thing. She opens her mouth to tell me so, but I grab the hem of her dress and pull it up slowly. The back of my fingers brush against her skin. First against her thighs, then for a brief moment over her panties, before I feel her abs and then the thickness of her bra covering her breasts.

She gulps before lifting her arms over her head and letting me take it off completely. I have no idea where that boldness came from. Maybe it's just me knowing she's intoxicated? So like... I'm drunk by association. Or I just really wanted to do that. It's not like I've pictured myself doing that to a girl ever since I was 12 or anything...

As much as I want her to get into bed like that I can't not offer her something to sleep in so I give her a large T-shirt from my closet and let her put in on while I climb in between the sheets. I sneak one last peek of her abs before the T falls down her body and covers it again. Pulling it over her head ruffled her hair a little. One moment she's so incredibly sexy and the next she's so cute!

She looks to the spot next to me in bed and then to me. When she sees me smiling she breaks into a goofy grin and skips and hops into bed. She takes super long to get comfortable, shifting how she lies and fixing the covers over her bare legs and brushing away her hair so she won't lie on it when she rest her head on the pillow; inches away from mine. We stare at each other. I look at her eyes and her lips and her neck and I can see a quarter of her collar bone too. She yawns again.

"Do you wanna sleep or do you wanna talk for a while?" I ask her innocently. I don't want us to sleep yet but she seems tired for real.

"I wanna talk." She says matter of factly with a giggle teasing her throat. It doesn't come out but it's there and it makes her words sound really cute.

"You know what we could do…?" I ask alluringly and scoot just a little bit closer. It's not as smooth as it was in my head but my lips are significantly closer to hers now. Any closer and I'll feel her breath on me.

"What?" She whispers like it's a secret and her eyes sparkle at getting to share it with me.

"Talk… with our tongues super close." I whisper back and lick my lips. Her face lights up with excitement and she nods a tiny little bit but she keeps her head on the pillow. It's kind of like that time when she wanted me to hug her and she waited for me to go first.

My lips ghost against hers at first. The second they touched; my heart skipped a beat and I needed a moment before deepening it, but now we're both parting our lips and tasting more of each other. She tastes different this time. Last time it was candy and now she tastes like wine. Her breath kind of smells like it too. I like it.

I put my hand on her hip to pull her closer but her shirt has ridden up so it's her skin. Just my hand on her skin. I didn't know; I didn't see it under the covers. I hope it's okay. She seems to think so because she rocks her pelvis, and then her whole body is pressing against me. Our legs intertwine and that's her… against my thigh. My lady parts twitch when I realize where her lady parts are and I think it makes my whole body twitch a little because she smiles for a second before placing a hand on the back of my head and pressing me into the kiss again.

We keep kissing. And kissing. And kissing. Her hand is probably getting tired on the back of my head. At first it just holds looser but then it slides down slightly. Along the side of my face and neck and towards my chest. I gulp. She stops by my collar bone and strokes it with her thumb. Then she does the exhaling into my mouth thing again and I think her breath is making me drunk. Drunk on Brittany. She keeps her lips close but she doesn't rush back into the kiss.

"Santana... am I your girlfriend?" She asks instead with an airy, out of breath voice. I open my eyes wide to look at her but all I see are her eyelids. She's just keeping them closed with a little smile; so close to me and so at peace. Do you want to be my girlfriend? Is it too soon? Is it really a good idea? … Fuck all of that.

"Yes-" I'm muffled by Brittany pressing her lips against mine and rocking her hips into me until we're as close as can be again. And her hand travels the last inches until my breast is cupped in her hand.

Wait? I have a girlfriend? I have a girlfriend who's touching my boob? And her tongue is in my mouth? And her lady parts are pressed against my thigh? That's a lot. It's like _I-might-faint-much_. But they're all good things. They're so good I don't even wanna sleep, let alone pass out. My hand has been still on her hip but now I slide it to her back and trace up her spine. She lets out a whiny moan and the hairs on her back stand up because she gets goose bumps. I hope they're the good kind... It's good that I'm wearing a bra still. Otherwise she'd feel my nipple being the good kind of hard.

Because this is really good.


	15. Chapter 15

Hey, ma home dogs! This chapter might be little confusing because Brittany's diary entry is from after the party and then when it cuts to Santana's POV we've jumped forward in time slightly. So just keep that in mind.

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**CHAPTER 14**

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**Brittany's POV**

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_**Dear diary, **_

_Do you have eyes? If you do; you are now looking at Santana's girlfriend. Get it? It's me! I asked her and she said yes. I went to her house after I left the party and she kissed me and then I asked and she said yes. I'm so jittery I've been dancing for two and a half hours and it still hasn't gone away. I'm high on Santana energy. _

_I'm so glad Santana kissed me, because I want to kiss her. I want her to kiss her a lot and like… all the time. Sebastian is a stupid boy and I don't want to kiss him. I was having a really good time at the party. For a while everything was spinning – really fast – because I drank all of my mom's wine and I did it a little too fast. _

_When things were spinning the most Sebastian came up to me and offered to take me for a walk. It was nice because fresh air is good when you're dizzy but he wanted to walk so far and I didn't. I was afraid I wouldn't find my way back to the house if I walked too far so I stopped while I could still hear the music and sat down on the ground. He sat down too and asked if he could kiss me. I said no but he tried to kiss me anyway so I had to push his face away with my hand. He got pretty mad so I said I was sorry but that I really didn't want to kiss him because I wanted to kiss someone else. He asked me who and I said Santana. He laughed at me and told me Santana was a slut-face. I got really, really mad and said that he was stupid butt-face and then I ran away. _

_I forgot my bike and jacket and my bag with my pajamas and phone (Santana has already gotten all that stuff back for me by the way). I didn't even know where to go. I know this town a little bit better now but I had never been where the party was and I didn't know if it was far or close or which way to Santana's house. That's when another boy with a car drove up to me. He had a mohawk and a funny name like a dinosaur. I asked him if he knew where Santana lives and he said he knows Mrs. Lopez well which wasn't even my question but he drove me there so I didn't care. _

_I wanted to climb up to Santana's window and be romantic but her garden doesn't have any trees that are close to the house to climb in, plus the world was still turning a little and I didn't want to die yet so I just rang the door bell and sat down. Sitting down is always better. Sometimes lying down can make the spinning worse but sitting always helps. When Santana came out I just wanted to be close to her. I wanted to touch her and hug her and smell her and kiss her. She let me be under the blanket with her which made my heart melt. I like her so much! She was about to kiss me too. In my head I thought "finally!" but then I remembered Sebastian. _

_I shouldn't have brought him up. Santana always gets so mad when I say his name. She really doesn't like him at all. I didn't understand why but now I don't like him either. Not when he says mean things about Santana; that's my girlfriend he's talking about. The good thing about talking about him was that Santana told me she doesn't want me to kiss anyone else. It's good because I don't want to do that. And also… that means that she can't kiss anyone else either, right? Like, if she's my girlfriend then automatically she's also not allowed to do that? Because I don't want her to. I don't want to make rules for her or anything but if it was my choice then she'd only kiss me for like… the rest of our lives. _

_Guess what else? Santana undressed me. I thought she'd kiss me outside after I said I didn't wanna kiss anyone but her, but she didn't. She brought me up to her room and took my dress off. I almost fell to the floor when she did that. Her cold fingers tickled my skin and her eyes got really dark when she looked at me. I liked when she looked at me, and touched me. It made my underwear a little sticky but she doesn't know that. Then I had to put on a stupid T-shirt but it was okay because I got to jump into bed with her. _

_No matter how I lay though I wasn't lying close enough. I kept trying to shift closer without being super obvious but eventually I just had to give up. Then I was glad I gave up because she moved closer. Then she kissed me and this time her dad didn't knock on the door right before and my dad didn't call in the middle of it and interrupted. I mean I kind of interrupted when I asked if I was her girlfriend but as soon as she said yes I started kissing her again. She was minty like toothpaste. I was nice because I had forgotten my toothbrush so I wasn't minty. _

_OH! I felt her boob! This time we were on our sides (at least we started on our sides) and not with one of us on top so it was easier to reach them. Her boobs are big. I knew they would feel big because you can see that they are. Especially when she's so tiny her boobs look even bigger but now I could feel them being big too. Just making sure she doesn't stuff her bra with socks or something. Although her boobs aren't real… but I still think implants are more real than socks. Plus socks are just socks and Santana's boobs are awesome. I wish I could have seen them but she was wearing a lot of pajamas. Long pajama pants and a long sleeved button up sleep shirt. It was cute because it had sheep on it and it was big so she looked cozy but it covered all her skin. Although maybe it was good that she was wearing the pajama pants… otherwise she would have felt the sticky in my underwear when I pressed into her. _

_We fell asleep at 9am the next morning. It was a good thing it was Saturday and we didn't have school because we didn't' get any sleep during the night. We had just started kissing again and I didn't wanna stop. Even though I was tired; I wasn't so tired that I couldn't stay up longer to kiss her. Sometimes we took little breaks to talk about things. I did most of the talking. I told her about the party before I left and about things from back at my old school. Then we always started kissing again. We only realized it was morning because her mother came in. It was good that she knocked first so we had time to stop kissing and move apart and pretend to be sleeping. Her mom was going into work. Who works on a Saturday? I asked Santana where her dad was and she told me he was working too - on a Saturday. _

_Maybe Santana is sad that her parents aren't home much and she's lonely? Maybe that's what she's trying to hide?_

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**Santana's POV**

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Brittany is my girlfriend now. We've been official for two weeks. It's Friday so it's two weeks exactly. People looked at us funny when we walked in the hallway hand in hand. I didn't care and think she didn't either. Or she didn't see it. Either way she looked really happy the first time we did that and her smile has only grown for every time since then.

Quinn looked at us funny too. Maybe she was worried about the whole losing me thing again. I fixed that with a full day of me and Quinn. We did all those silly girl things I hate. Manicures and pedicures and shopping. I hate manicures because I don't see the point of them. My nails are too weak to make it last anyways. They break all the time.

I hate shopping because nothing looks good on me. I'm far too fat to look good in anything. But take Brittany for example; sometimes I'll look at what she's wearing, when she's not wearing the Cheerio's uniform, and I'll wonder what was going through her mind when she put that on. She mixes colors and patterns like a crazy girl. If I were to wear any of that I'd look like a maniac and yet on her it looks really good. It's either sexy, or cute, or adorable, or hot, or fabulous, or pretty, or sweet, or… you get the point. I can't look at her and not see the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And then I look at me and I want to throw up. Especially naked in a store changing room with the light and the all around mirrors. I mean it's good because of the motivation it gives but people do shopping for fun and I just don't see it.

Still, I kept a straight face and pretended to be having the most fun I'd had in months. I could see the sparkling happy in Quinn's eyes. I think she thinks she's helping me. She told me about therapy and talked about her improvements. She focused only on the positive. She did say it wasn't easy but she wouldn't say anything else about the hard part. I know she still hears the voices of panic. She ate half a sub, while I drank a diet coke, and pretended to like it but I could see the truth in her eyes. She can pretend all she wants because I know she's wrong.

Other than that day; I've only hung out with Brittany. Almost every day. Some days we hang out full days and others just for a little while but it's like I can't go a day without seeing her. I see her in school but I mean see-see her. So that I can kiss her soft lips, stroke her smooth hair and touch her strong arms.

My latest master plan, it's quite genius if I do say so myself, is to go to _her _house. I used to think that being at my house would leave me more in control but I was wrong. What I do now is I go home first, and make sure to fit in a run, and then I take the car to Brittany's house. When it's dinner time I pretend my mother calls me and tells me to come home for it so I leave for a while. Sometimes I go for my night run during that time but not always because it feels weird to shower twice so close together. Then if it's not too late I go back to Brittany's house and we hang out some more.

It's still a risk. Being with Brittany is a major risk. I risk having to disgustingly force something down my throat to keep her from finding out and I risk… I risk her finding out. But she can't; I won't allow it. The thing with Brittany, though… I don't even know what the thing with Brittany is. She makes me feel like a human being. She makes me capable of feeling things and she makes me want- _no, not want;_ that's the wrong word. She makes the risk worth taking. She's the only one who's made me feel like that.

I've met her mom and her dad. Her dad is really funny. He has that nice-guy-look. He's tall and he has freakishly large hands that he'll use to pat Brittany's shoulder, or comb through her hair or pull her in for a hug. And he's always smiling and Brittany's adores him. Sometimes the three of us will hang out. I like it better when it's just me and Brittany but she's so happy when she's with him that I just… I know the feeling.

Her mother isn't as nice. She has the straightest back I've ever seen. No, her posture is _insane_. She and Brittany sort of look alike but if you weren't looking at their faces you'd never see it because they're so different. Her mother dresses like an uptight bitch and her hair is always up in one of those fancy dos. Kind of like a high power career woman… only that she doesn't work. Her and I have this understanding. We tried talking for a minute when we first met, but we noticed that we don't like each other and now we just avoid being in the same room as much as possible.

It's good that I'm a girl because at Brittany's house they have a strict _no-closed-doors-when-alone-with-boys-policy_. Her mother doesn't think good girls should do that and her father is really protective of her too. They'd probably lose their shit if they knew about the massive make-out sessions Brittany and I have had in her bed. She has a single bed by the way. I think it's really cute and funny. My bed is literally three times as big. That's why tonight's sleepover is at my house, in my bed.

When she comes over we're gonna watch a movie. I figure if we make popcorn we can hold the bowl between us and maybe she won't notice that I'm not eating from it. I can have three right in the very beginning so she thinks we're both eating. Maybe then after a while I can pretend to choke on one and then it won't be weird if I don't eat any more. If she points it out anyways I have six popcorns as a buffer, but under no circumstances can I have more than 10 popcorns. She's staying the night so I can't even puke it up after she leaves because… she's not leaving.

Speaking of her coming over… I should get dressed because she'll be here soon. I figure sweat pants are okay because we're just gonna watch a movie; we're not going out or anything. I'm just much more comfortable in sweat pants because they're so large and you don't see what's under them. And a long sleeved shirt. I double hate my arms. I hate them because I think they're super fat and gross, and I hate them because other people say they're too skinny, which I actually like, but it's dangerous. It's dangerous if they start asking how or why.

I'll roll up the sleeves to just above my wrist. That way they're more inviting for holding hands. I really want to hold Brittany's hand. It's become one of my favorite things. I don't like it the first few seconds because then I can really feel how cold they are but then she warms me and it feels so good. And I'm not scared anymore. I was afraid she wouldn't want to hold my hand ever again if she felt it, like really felt it, but she's still here. She's still with me.

I told Brittany my parents wouldn't be home tonight and that she didn't have to knock so I'm not surprised when she's suddenly in my room watching me watch myself in the mirror.

"Hi, hottie. Admiring yourself?" She teases and sneaks up behind me. It's one of those times you have an internal lol-moment but you can't let it show. If she only knew.

"Not much to admire." I dismiss casually and shrug. I turn around because for some reason her seeing my face in the reflection makes me more nervous then her seeing it straight on.

"I disagree." She states matter of factly and kisses my lips gently. I hum against hers. They're so soft. Until they tense because she's trying to hold back a smile but can't.

"Did you decide on a movie?" She asks, still not pulling away so I feel her lips move against mine. I shake my head no. I know she told me to but I like it better when she decides. Then I don't have to worry so much if she likes it or not. Usually that makes me really nervous. If I've chosen the movie then it's my responsibility if she doesn't like it.

"I wanna watch the one with the secret spies in short skirts and the evil super villain and then they fall in love."

I can't help but laugh a little.

"Are you serious?" I ask her teasingly. That movie is so silly.

"What? You're the one who has it on DVD." She says playfully.

"I do not!" I protest, horrified. She walks over to my DVD shelf and pulls it out. She didn't even have to look for it. She knew exactly where it was. And more importantly; she knew that it was there. I get a little flushed. This is really embarrassing.

"Fine! We can watch that." I sigh and start pacing a little in my room just to distract myself, and her, from the redness creeping up in my cheeks. She giggles and watches me with those eyes. Those eyes are good. That means she thinks I've done something good. She has these other ones that scare me. When I can see she's thinking. Hard. She's really smart too. Even if she's not good with math questions she's really smart. As long as I can distract her from making those eyes I'm good. Even embarrassing myself is better. I remember the popcorn so I excuse myself to do make them.

When I come back she's already put the movie on and paused it right at the very beginning. She's built a little sofa-like fort with all my pillows and she's mashed herself in there just eagerly waiting with the remote. She's the cutest.

I curl up with her and just like I planned I put the bowl between us. She squeals and takes a handful and shoves them in her mouth. Her cheeks balloon up from being so full. I technically don't approve but she's too cute. When she's done chewing and swallowing she puts one between her lips and turns her face to me; waiting for me to take it from her mouth with my mouth. I do, giggle and start my count. _That's one_. She presses play and turns back to watch it, occasionally tossing more popcorn in her mouth. She seems so lost in the movie that she doesn't notice that I haven't eaten any more of them. I still throw an eye at the bowl every now and then. When the hole on her side starts to get a little big I give it a light nudge to even it out and make it look like we're eating equally much.

Halfway through the movie Brittany puts the bowl away and shifts a little closer. She doesn't do anything other than that. She's just closer and warmer and her scent is stronger. I sit on my hand for a while to pre-heat it, because it's really cold today. Then I feel like I'm ready to move it. Brittany's is just lying out in the plain open on her thigh so I put mine next to it. Maybe she doesn't notice but I think our hands make for a more interesting movie than the one playing so that's what I watch.

I stretch my pinkie so it just, ever so slightly, brushes against hers. She lifts her pinky and brushes back. They dance like that for a while and it's tingly. Then I turn my hand over, palm up, and she slips her fingers between mine. She's so warm. It's crazy how one person can be so warm. We watch another 10 minutes or so and I find myself actually paying attention to what's happening on the TV for the first time since the film started, it's like I can relax more now. Then she moves our held hands further into her lap and strokes over my skin with her other hand.

I watch it. Her movements are so delicate and so easy. If I tried to do that to her; I'd mess it up. It's a simple thing but I know I'd mess it up. Her touch becomes firmer, from almost ticklish to the point where my skin drags with her fingers as they rub back and forth. I look at it and I look up at her for what feels like the first time tonight. But every time I look at her I feel like it's the first time because she's so breathtaking. She's looking back at me and it makes my insides turn with excitement. I look away instantly but suddenly her hand isn't on my hand anymore. It catches my chin and lifts it, bringing my gaze up with it.

She leans in but she pauses and smiles warmly. She just makes me stare at her for so long and I'm aching for her to move closer. She doesn't. She's still waiting for a sign from me. We've kissed many times but for some reason I'm too paralyzed to move. Maybe it's that look in her eyes. I don't think I know it. If I've seen it before I haven't registered. I know that if I look away now it will be over. Please do something, Santana. Nod, or lean in, or lick your lips. Make her kiss you for crying out loud.

I move my thumb, one long stroke over her thumb and I mess it up. It doesn't move smooth like hers did. It's more jagged. I really suck. I can't even stroke her. Stupid. But suddenly her face is moving closer to mine. She lets out a long breath and I feel it against my lips. It parts them; like her air is a force I must obey. Still there are miles between us and this girl should win a prize for slowest head movements ever. I honestly I can't say that I'm much better since my head is frozen in place but still…

I remember I have another hand so I bring it up. There's a strand of hair playing dangerously close to her lips so I brush it away and tuck it behind her ear. She stops again, her nose against mine, and she's smiling. I know she's smiling because I see it just looking into her eyes. I cup her cheek and I guide her the last distance. Her lips feel stretched at first because she's still grinning but then they move and mold against mine. Perfection. Her face keeps pushing forward which makes mine back away and she presses me down on my pillow until she's on top of me.

"Wait!" She exclaims suddenly and looks around on the bed until she finds the remote and presses pause.

"You're pausing to make out?" I ask her and I know I sound amused, because I am.

"I don't wanna miss anything." She pouts, but it only lasts a second and then she's back on top of me. She's not resting much of her weight at all on me; it's almost like she's flying just above me. She's holding herself up with one hand that's managed to slide under the pillow my head is resting on, and her other hand slips out of our hand-holding and helps by digging into the mattress right by my waist.

So it's just her lips. Her lips are the only thing moving against me and they're so soft and slow. They're thinner than mine but at least she knows what to do with them. They're interlocking with mine, they're sucking onto mine, they're brushing against mine. She's in control and I'm just following her. The thought should scare me but I quite like it. Just for now, just for this. My hand… I'm just gonna… slide down her front… Shit, grazed against her boob! Hope that's okay… No, it probably is because she's touched mine a couple of times. I'm still working up my courage to do a full on grab when it comes to hers. I've touched her butt but the boobs seem scarier, that's why I stick to these sneaky slide touches.

My hand keeps going; along her side and around to rest on her back. She's warm there too. She's just warm. I could just stroke her gently… mmm, that feels good. I squeeze and feel her muscular back. She's so strong. Oh, that's… that's her tongue flicking over my top lip and that's her getting heavier, pressing her body down on me, _and oh God_, that was me moaning just now. I'm so embarrassing!

Brittany's tongue is magic. I don't know how she does the things she does but it makes me moan like no one else has ever. I don't really… I'm not loud during sexual things. Maybe when I'm faking it and otherwise not, but sometimes she does things that just lure the sounds out. I don't even realize it until I hear them myself. Like now when her hand is moving up the outside of my thigh and- _hold up!_ Where is that hand going? The second I feel her fingers against the skin under my shirt my eyes go wide and I stop her. She can't feel that. She can't feel my stomach. She can't feel it, she can't see it, she just… can't.

"What's wrong?" She asks, almost terrified and to my relief; removes her hand and half slides off me. I squiggle out and stand up; pacing back and forth twice before storming out and running down the stairs, out of the house, to the street and I just keep running.

I need to try harder. It needs to go faster. I don't wanna have to feel like this. Like I can't even handle my girlfriend's hand inside my shirt. Because I do want it there. It's just too scary. She won't want anything more to do with me if she feels what's under there. It's just fat. Pure fat. People can lie all they want and say that it doesn't even matter but no one want to have sex with someone as fat as me.

If I try to stay away from mirrors and if I don't touch myself where I know I'll hate it; maybe I can actually fool myself into not having a panic attack when she feels my body. If it's dark enough in the room so she can't see me maybe I won't freak out when my clothes are off? I'm not sure who I'm trying to kid here. It's not good enough yet. But I am changing. Maybe she can wait for me? Maybe she can wait for me to be perfect. I want to be perfect for her. Now. Maybe if I just keep running and I don't stop until I'm thin enough?

But I have to stop. My steps are heavy and there's only so much my heart and lungs can handle. It used to be more. Running wasn't this hard before, was it? I feel like every breath is filling me from my feet and up and it's still not enough. Even during the shaky walk back to my house I can't fully catch my breath so I'm still flustered when I come upstairs and peek inside my room.

That was so stupid of me to just leave her in my room. I have to stop doing that. Just leave. I told her I'd never do that again. I promised. I want my promises to mean something to her. I stay in the hallway and creep through the little crack the door is open. She's there. On my bed still. She's moved because she's sitting up now. She looks nervou- no anxious. Her posture is almost like her mother's and she's fidgeting: with everything. I give the door a light push.

"Hey… you're still here." I say gently and take a few tentative steps inside. I hope she can't see that my legs are about to give in. Her head shoots up.

"Oh." She says startled. Then her eyes fall back to her lap. "I… yeah…" She says and nods with a deep wrinkle between her brows. "Did you want me to leave?" She whispers it and her hand lifts super quickly and goes back down equally fast; I think she wiped a tear. I'm sweaty and disgusting but I don't even care. I hurry to the bed and sit beside her.

"No!" I assure her. "But I was afraid you would."

"I was gonna… but you make me worried when you just-"

"I know. I'm sorry." I don't want to interrupt her but maybe if I don't let her say the words she'll forget it happened. I stroke her cheek with the back of my fingers. It is wet. So I did make her cry. I'm evil.

"I am so sorry, Brittany." I repeat and suck my lips into my mouth. What if it's all over? What if I fucked it all up? Sounds like something I would do. Because I suck. She turns to me. At first she just looks at me. I don't know how long. Minutes. Then she kind of cups my cheek, but so her thumb can still reach to drag over my bottom lip. Then my top one. And then the bottom one again. She's staring at them.

"There's something you're not telling me." She states. She's right. I'm not sure if she's asking me for what it is or if she's just letting me know that she knows. Either way my throat closes up. Completely. I can't even gulp so it just looks like a retarded head spasm when I try.

"You don't have to be ready to tell me now, but I wanna listen when you are." She speaks quietly and so softly. I nod. Then I feel tears burning my eyes so I quickly excuse myself and tell her I have to shower before going in there and locking the door. I don't think I can tell her. It wouldn't make anything better. I wouldn't have to lie anymore, which would be good because it's becoming increasingly harder to do to her, but so much would change. I don't like change. Change isn't safe. Letting Brittany into my life is change enough. I can't let her know. Rule number two. Don't let _anyone_ know.

I come back out; showered and fully dressed in new sweats and she's still on the bed. But she doesn't look as anxious or sad anymore. I decide to just pretend earlier didn't happen. I hop on the bed playfully and lay my head in her lap.

"You're cute with your hair wet like this." She says sweetly and ruffles it a little. I stick my tongue out and she does the same and then we giggle. It's a nice moment but then her face turns serious again.

"I didn't mean to pressure you earlier, or move too fast. I know we just started… and we haven't been… for very long." She says tentatively. Her cheeks are a little rosy and the way her eyes flicker tells me it's not a topic she's super comfortable discussing. Me neither so that's cool.

"You didn't do anything wrong." I say matter of factly and I sit up again so I can look at her properly and be convincing.

"I feel like I did." She says weakly.

"No. It's me." I say quickly. I don't want to be the person who makes her feel bad about herself. I want to be the one who builds her up and makes her believe in herself because she's so amazing. She looks puzzled now.

"How do… like what about you?" She looks like she's confusing even herself, but I think I know what she means… What about me? The fact that I'm gross? And disgusting? And fat and ugly and I can't let_ anyone_, let alone _you_, see that? And also the fact that I can't let you know any of it. I shrug.

"I've never… been with a girl before and…" I say instead. That's true. It's maybe not the actual reason but it's not a lie in itself. Even with Quinn we never did anything other than kissing. Most of the time we didn't even use our tongues, so that was far more innocent.

"Have you ever…?" She asks carefully. I like this shy side of Brittany. It makes it easier to talk about things when I know I'm not the only one who thinks it's hard.

"Yes."

"A lot?"

"No." I shake my head. "Just one person."

"Who?" She's so curious. This… could be awkward.

"… Sebastian." It gets quiet. In moments like these you wonder if someone is just sitting with a big mute button somewhere because it's not just voices that go silent. Everything stops making sounds. There's no traffic, no birds tweeting, no nothing. I clear my throat.

"He was my boyfriend last year and he really wanted to so we did… couple times… but then we had a fight and he told people things." I start to explain. There's definite interest. I can see it on her. It's like you can see in her eyes whenever her brain is working really hard. It's scary most of the times when I don't know what she's thinking about but now I like to watch it. It's fascinating.

"What kind of things?" She asks eagerly, and I realize I've completely zoned out. Sorry. It's just; looking at her can be really distracting.

"Like what I liked… how I sounded, what I said, how… how I looked…" I cringe saying the last part. It's still really touchy. He wasn't nice about any of the things he said. Sometimes when I walked past him and his friends he'd start moaning in the supposed way I sounded; not that he sounded anything like me. People still laughed. But his descriptions of my body and face were the meanest… and what people talked about the most.

"He's a stupid butt-face." Brittany states suddenly.

"A butt-face?" I question with a chuckle teasing my throat. There's something so cute about her childish choice of words and her furrowed brows and pouty lips.

"It means that he's ugly like a butt-hole and… his brain is an ass… And also his breath smells like poo." She explains angrily. She's not very good at insulting people but she's already making me feel so much better. She always makes me laugh.

"Okay, he's a butt-face." I agree through a giggle that makes her attempt at being angry falter and she giggles too.

"A_ stupid_ butt-face." She corrects me and I nod seriously in consensus. Without thinking we naturally fall into cuddling in the now semi-broken fort Brittany built earlier. With my arm around her and her head on my shoulder she reaches for the remote again and presses play.

"You didn't finish it before?" I ask amused.

"I was waiting for you, silly." She breezes like she knew all along that I would come back to her. I think… I'll always come back to her.


	16. Chapter 16

I got to go home early from work today so I'm celebrating by givng you a chapter. No, not really. The chapters come every third day and it's the third day so I have to, but shhh - pretend I'm being nice ;P

Okay so this is one of those jumpy chapters and I'm quite fond of them actually but if you're not then just ... bear with ;) I don't have seven jumps but think of it kind of like a week going by. Saturday to Saturday ;)

* * *

**CHAPTER 15**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_**Dear diary, **_

_I'm mad at Santana's lips. It's not fair that she has the most beautiful lips in the world and doesn't know how to use them. No, no, no, she knows how to use them in one way and I feel like I don't shut about that way. But the other way, the talking way, is what frustrates me. I knoooow there's something she's not telling me. I confronted her and she didn't deny it. She just got this look on her face that told me I'm right. I don't know which is worse; when I didn't know if she was hiding something, or knowing that she is but not knowing what it is. _

_She ran away from me again. We were at **her** house and she still ran away. I know I shouldn't have moved so fast with the sexual stuff but I kind of thought maybe we were there. We have made out **a lot** and it's not like I was expecting us to do all the things but maybe take off our shirts? I thought she wanted more too because she seems like she does. I won't pressure her though. I know now that she's not ready, and I totally respect that. _

_I'm mad at Sebastian. He's so stupid. He's been really mean to Santana. Santana is amazing and no one should ever be mean to her. And I'm a little mad at myself because the meanest thing I can think to call him is a stupid butt-face. Urgh. He makes me so mad my fingers itch. I hope someone ties his shoe laces together so he falls down and everyone laughs at him. That would serve him right! _

_I was gonna run after Santana but I accidentally knocked over her bedside lamp when I stood up. I found a cracker with cheese under it which I thought was super weird. It was an old cracker too. That Santana and I ate like two weeks ago. I remember because I cut the cheese and shaped it like Bs and Ss for Brittany and Santana. We also made snowballs and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. She must have put it there but I don't know why she would do that. Maybe she was saving it for later and then she forgot? I hope so because… I just hope so. _

_When I had put the lamp back and made it out to the street she was already so far away. I thought about going home because it felt like she wanted me to. I just needed to know she was okay so I went back inside and waited for her. It took almost an hour before she came back but when she did; she didn't seem upset that I was there. She seemed happy about it. She said she was sorry again and I believe her. _

_You know what I've noticed? Santana really likes big clothes. I didn't notice at first because I saw her mostly in school and the Cheerio's uniform is NOT big but now that we spend so much time together I see it. She always wears loose clothes and long things that cover everything. It's looks good on her so I'm not complaining or anything I just don't understand. I hate when clothes are in the way. I always try to dress with as little or as tight as possible because it's easier to move and stuff. Plus, I know Santana likes it. I love when her eyes get darker when she looks at me. Maybe if… next time we make out I'll take my shirt off first instead of trying to take hers off. She might like that. I could tell her it's not pressure or anything. Just that it's hot. It is getting hot anyways, it's May. _

_I'm going back to her house soon I think. Dad wanted me to come home and eat dinner and Santana insisted that I should so I did. My dad likes Santana. He told me so and it made me so excited that I told him what kind of friend Santana is. You know… that she's my girlfriend. He was quiet for a long time. Then he kissed my forehead and told me not to tell mom yet. I told him I wouldn't as long as I could still talk to him about it if I wanted to and he said I can always talk to him about anything. _

_You know what I just realized? Santana and I have never had dinner together. We've been together for two weeks, plus known each other longer, and we've never had real dinner together. I don't like it. Diary, do you think… No, never mind. I don't wanna think about that now. I'm going back to her house in a minute. She said she'd come get me with her car. That's also something I don't understand… she never takes her car to school but with me she drives it all the time. I know we live far from each other but she also lives far from school so that can't be the reason._

_I wish I lived closer to her. Like right next door. Then I'd also have a big house like her and I'd get to see her all the time. Do you think when Santana and I are older we'll have a house like that together? I'd like that. Then I'd really get to see her all the time and when we live together we can eat dinner together all the time. _

_Oh, she just honked outside, gotta go._

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

"So what do you wanna do?" I ask when Brittany has hopped in my car and buckled her seat belt. She doesn't take long to answer. She never does. She always has so many ideas.

"Hmm… have dinner." She says. It's not casual. There's definitely something behind it.

"You just had dinner." I protest. I was so happy when her dad called her home for dinner because that meant we wouldn't have to have it together.

"Yeah, but I wanna have it with you." She whines and puts her hand on mine where it's resting on the gear shift. I almost shrug back. Something is happening. I back out of her driveway and slip my hand away from under hers so I can hold the wheel with both.

"Another day. We both just ate." The thing is I'm right, right now. It would be completely illogical for us "both" to eat again and yet I feel like I'm doing something wrong. She looks like I've said the wrong thing.

"… kay." She whispers and leans her forehead against the window; staring out.

"We'll do something else, okay?" I suggest gently. I called my dad yesterday. He's in Chicago on business. I told him I wanted to buy wood and build a tree house and he said that he would just fly in an already made one and have people put it one of our trees but I said I wanted to do it myself. So then he sighed because I know he doesn't like it when things are ugly and honestly; my tree house will probably be ugly. But we'll be getting a delivery of wood anyways so maybe when it gets here Brittany and I can build that tree house. She turns back to me.

"Santana?" Brittany's voice goes up a little at the end to indicate that it's a question. It would have been so much easier if she was just saying my name because she thinks it sounds pretty but it's definitely a question. My fingers hug the feel of the car harder.

"Hmm?" I try to breeze. It's hard to breeze when your muscles are tensing and every heartbeat feels jump started by a defibrillator. There's a long pause of nothing. Of Brittany just looking at me. I have to look at the road so I only see her in the corner of my eye but I know her eyes are doing the thinking thing.

"Nothing."

* * *

"Just have one bite!" Brittany insists. She's been trying to make me take a bite of her salad since she bought it.

"But I really don't like olives." I protest. That's actually true. I never liked olives.

"I picked all the olives out so you'd taste it." Brittany pouts and looks down at her napkin with a pile of olive slices on it. She really did spend minutes making sure she got every single one. I kept saying she shouldn't but she did it anyways.

"But they always leave flavour." I whine and look at the olives with a disgusted face. Maybe if I pick one up she won't think I'm so scared of them. I lift one and poke it with my tongue.

"See!" I exclaim. "They're super gross."

Brittany sighs but gives up; taking another bite herself and not saying anything until she's finished the whole meal. Note to self: never take Brittany to the mall again.

* * *

Brittany is wearing a really cute top today. It's hug-ish over her chest but loose around her hips and there's a string under her boobs that make a bow in the back. I can't see the bow right now but we're on the bed and my head is on her stomach so I have the perfect angle to play with the string and maybe feel her boobs a little bit. Brittany's head is hanging off the edge of the bed so she won't see what I'm doing until she feels it.

"What did you have for dinner today?" Brittany asks suddenly. My fingers hadn't even made it all the way up to the string yet but I stop. I told her to come over after dinner so I guess it's fair that she asks what I had.

"Today?" I ask back to buy some time. I need to think of something quick.

"Yeah." She nods and it looks funny because she's upside down.

"Uh… I-" Crap. I hate when her being cute distracts me from making up lies in my head. It usually goes really fast, but for some reason; not when I'm looking at her.

"Did you have dinner today?" She interrupts. There's something sharp in her tone.

"Of course. Don't be silly. I had… potatoes." I laugh it away but she's not amused. It's starting to get hot in here.

"Just potatoes?" She questions sceptically.

"Yeah. Mom made really good ones for dinner yesterday and she wasn't home to cook today so I just ate the leftovers." I explain. That was pretty good, right? It came quickly and it's belie-

"You told me you had rice and curry yesterday." It's an accusation. She has lifted her head now and her eyes are piercing trough me. If she's thinking what I think she's thinking that's not good. More like a disaster. I need to distract her somehow.

"I meant day before yesterday. Sorry." I say casually. She's not casual. Why isn't she matching my moods? Her eyes keep piercing, just as stern as they were before.

"What?" I snap.

"Santana…" She starts. She furrows her eyebrows like she's thinking of a way to word something and she bites her lip.

"Come on! Let's build more of the tree house before it gets dark." I say before she has a chance to say something I don't know how to handle. I tap her stomach twice and then I jump up and scurry out of my room.

* * *

"Don't you want cake?" Brittany holds up her spoon to my mouth. No, I don't want cake. She's started trying to feed me things a lot lately. It's happening almost every day.

"No." I say plainly.

"It's Quinn's birthday. You have to have some cake." She's become more persistent too. And she's clever. She's always thinking out good reasons why I should eat instead of just trying to force me. It's super extra dangerous and harder to fend off.

"I'm not really hungry." I say and shrug. I should walk away. This is a party after all. Mingling would seem normal.

"But it's cake. I'm always hungry for cake." Brittany states like it's so obvious. Who isn't always hungry for cake? Me. I'm not ever hungry for cake. Instead of getting mad I smile at her.

"I'm always hungry for you. C'mere." I flirt. It usually works. Brittany really likes to kiss. I've noticed it's the best way to distract her. Plus, _I_ really like kissing _her_.

"No more kisses until you have a spoon of cake." She says sternly. My eyes go wide. She looks serious too. I can't believe this is happening. I have to eat it now, or she'll think that her kisses are nothing to me if I can't even eat a spoon of cake for them.

"Fine. Gimme." I sigh. She squeals happily and scoops up the biggest spoon of cake I've ever seen. I swear it's half the cake on there. I have to tilt my head down while I try to force my mouth open. It's like it's locked shut. It finally opens and she shoves the spoon in there. I do a pretend gulp, and a little whipped cream accidentally slides down my throat. Slippery foods aren't good, but I don't let her see that it's making me panic. I keep smiling and try to look like my cheeks aren't full of cake. Then I walk past her and grab a napkin that I spit it all out in when pretending to wipe the cream from the corner of my mouth.

* * *

Brittany is nailing up the curtain we're gonna use as a door for our tree house. I wanted it to hang like a real curtain from a curtain rod but my arms are super tired so we're doing it her way because she's doing it. When she's done; the tree house is done. It's pretty ugly on the outside but kind of nice on the inside. We've brought up a mattress and a bunch of pillows and blankets and I'm so tired from working on this all week. It's a good thing Brittany is so strong, and good with a hammer. She's done most of the hard stuff while I did the planning and the drawing and the decorating. Either way, I'm glad we did it. It's been a lot of fun working on.

Well… the best part has been watching Brittany work on it. She always works without her shirt on; in just a pair of shorts. She gets sweaty and whenever she hurt herself with the hammer I had to take care of it so I got to touch her. There's an increasing pressure growing in my pants. It's really, really hard to not… do stuff with her. I wish she would just let me do everything to her and not have her do anything back. I still feel like taking off my shirt and letting her touch me without clothes would be too hard. But it would be a lot easier to resist if she just didn't make me feel the way she does.

Graduation is coming up. I can't wait. It's gonna be a whole summer of just me and Brittany. I think it's gonna be the best summer ever. After summer I'm doing the MBA thing at Stanford. I got in. My grades have been slipping so I wasn't supposed to, but dad fixed it. So I'll be moving there, but I'm not sure where Brittany is going. She told me she wanted to change the world and that you don't need a college degree for that. I don't think she's going to college. At least not right after graduation. I want her to come with me but I don't know how to ask her.

She's done with the last nail and she turns around and sinks down on the mattress across from me. She opens a bottle of cherry juice and takes a gulp.

"Want a sip?" She asks and holds it out to me.

"I'm drinking water." I state and hold up my water bottle. Like she couldn't see it before when I was holding it in my lap.

"I know, but cherry juice is better." She shrugs and drinks another sip herself.

"I disagree." I say plainly and drink some more water just to demonstrate how good I think it is. She raises her eye brow at me and then her bottle isn't by her lips anymore. It's by her neck and she's pouring it down herself. A little stream of red juice is slowly trickling down her neck and over her chest. Really?

"Oh no… Santana look…" She says and tries to look down while also keeping her head slightly tilted back.

"Look, I'm spilling." She tilts the bottle a little more and a fast stream of the red liquid runs down her torso. "It's in my bra now." She teases. "Better come and stop it."

I roll my eyes but there she is without her shirt on; practically begging me to lick her boobs. I crawl over to her on all fours and find my lips in perfect height to meet the two round mounds coming out of her bra. I run my nose along the sticky cherry trail first; hoping to remove as many of the calories as possible before I dart my tongue out to let it play with Brittany's beautiful skin.

I have fully groped her boobs a couple of times now but all times outside the bra: outside the shirt so I haven't been anywhere near licking them. I taste some of the juice but not enough to even have to swallow which makes me feel a little better. I kiss along her collar bone, up her neck to her ear and she giggles when I suck and nibble on her earlobe. Then I kiss downwards again until it's softer. Softer means my lips are actually _on_ her breast. It's bouncy.

I let my tongue slip out again and I only mean to poke a tiny little bit inside her bra but her nipple is right there and my tongue crashes with it. She inhales sharply and suddenly her hand is on the back of my head pressing me further into her. I don't want to stop when it makes her react like that. I push in my tongue more and try to circle her nipple. It's really stiff and it's like contagious because it makes mine stiff too. I also try to look up at her face to watch what's happening but it's not the best angle so I'll just have to trust her fingernails digging into my scalp and the way she breathed my name just now. I shift, without stopping, so I'm properly straddling her lap and I rock my hips into her. She grabs my hair and gently tugs at it for me to stop.

"Santana… I… it's…" She moans, slash exhales, slash whines. It's not a lot of words but I know what she means. She means I have to stop driving her crazy with all of the teasing and none of the pleasing. I want that too. Trust me Brittany; I want that too. I'm not sure I can though. Not yet. So I stop. I take my lips and my tongue away from her boobs and I rest my forehead against hers instead.

She offers a weak smile and I peck her lips quickly. She pecks back so I peck back again. It turns into a longer kiss and pretty soon we introduce our tongues again. They've met so many times they're probably besties for life. She grabs the hem of my shirt. She just grabs it. She doesn't even make the slightest attempt to lift it up. She's waiting for me to approve first. I almost start crying. She's so considerate, and patient, and… perfect. I pull away from the kiss but keep my forehead against hers.

"Britt… I wanna talk about, ahm, you know, that thing that we never talk about." I say it quickly and try to make it sound like I don't even care but… I do. Obviously, I do.

"That Sour Patch Kids are just Gummy Bears that turned to drugs?" She half whispers and even though we're alone she glances to the side like it's a secret someone might hear.

"About the… about us… and you know… _doing things_." I manage to force out. I feel so stupid. Brittany's eyes widen and she moves her head back a little so we're not so close.

"Oh! Look, Santana I know it's a really big deal to you and… I respect it. No pressure!" She says quickly and shakes her head. I know that she wouldn't. That's not the point.

"I want pressure!" I exclaim. Her brows knit together and she looks confused. She opens her mouth but it stays there a while.

"I don't know how to do that." She says finally. I giggle because she's so cute.

"I mean, I really want to… with you." My finger runs up her arm and dances over her bicep and then back over her triceps then it stops. "It's just, there's this block."

"What do you mean?" She asks gently.

"I want to be perfect for you." I say without thinking. I definitely didn't mean to say that. Shit. Ass. Crap. I feel my arm twitch to bring my hand over my mouth but if I do that even more focus will be placed on the words.

"You are perfect to me." Brittany breezes. Her voice is telling me that it's so obvious and simple. It's not that simple. I wish it was.

"No, I'm not. But I will be." I almost whisper.

"Santana, I don't understand." She confesses and she keeps looking for my eyes. Can't she tell I'm trying to avoid hers? I take a deep breath and face her.

"Nothing, just… wait for me?" I ask with eyebrows so high I think they might be hovering somewhere in the air over my head. It's so hopeful. She still doesn't understand. I know she doesn't because I see it. It's in the way her stare looks kind of blank but if you know her you know it's not blank at all. She's working really hard to piece it all together. It's in the way her lips part slightly because when she concentrates too hard she forgets to breathe through her nose and her body has to compensate. It's in the way her fingers always find a way to meet and fidget with each other.

Nevertheless she nods. She still hasn't understood what I'm asking and she's nodding anyway. Because she trusts me. She trusts me so wholeheartedly it hurts. I lift myself off her and lie down next to her instead; with my face towards the wall. It takes a second but then I feel her scooting up behind me until she's pressed up against me. She kisses the back of my head and her fingers come up to move my hair behind my ear. Even when it's all secured there she keeps stroking it in the same way. Over and over.

"Can I tell you a secret?" She whispers. I nod. I wanted to say yes but I felt the second I opened my mouth that I'd cry of I said anything. There's another minute or so of complete silence. I think she either didn't see me nod or she just forgot what she was going to say. I've closed my eyes and I'm almost dozing off when she finally takes air in to let words out.

"It doesn't matter what you do, or how good you are at something, because there will always be someone who's better than you. Even if you're the best in the entire world; it's only a matter of time before someone beats you. The _only_ thing you can do perfectly, that no one else can _ever_ do better… is be yourself." Her voice is so gentle and filled with love. I catch a sob in my chest and force it down. She noticed. She drapes her arm over me and finds my hand to hold. I take hers with both mine because one isn't enough. Not right now.

"Not a lot of people know this, but I figured it out." She says proudly and it's so_ Brittany_ that a smile spreads across my face even though tears are slowly streaming down my cheeks. I'm not making a sound but I can't seem to be able to keep my body still when I have to hold in my sobs.

"We can't all be as smart as you, Brittany." I tried to say it with without letting her know I was crying. I failed but… whatever. So I'm crying? At least it's with her arms around me. At least it's with her lips pressed against the back of my head and her nose buried in my hair. At least she's still here. She's still here.


	17. Chapter 17

Can I just say that you are all** amazing**. Yes, I mean you. And you. You in the white shirt? Yes, I mean you too.** Amazing. **

* * *

**CHAPTER 16**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_**Dear diary, **_

_Santana and I finished the tree house. It took about a week to build it. I still think it's so cute that Santana remembered that I wanted to build one. She didn't tell me we were doing it. One day I came over to her house and she wasn't in her room, so at first I got worried but then I saw a note and it said that I should come to her backyard. She was there under a parasol drawing how she wanted it to look. She already had a bunch of wood and nails on the grass and she had chosen the best tree. She even had someone cut down three really big branches so the tree house could be bigger. _

_I insisted that we should have a branch funeral for them and all the little baby branches they're never gonna be able to make. Santana rolled her eyes at first but then she agreed and I think she liked it too. It was a really pretty funeral because we did it at night when it was dark and the branches still had green leaves that glimmered beautifully when we lit a bunch of candles. Then I kissed Santana and she said it was disrespectful to the branches to be romantic when they've died but then she kissed me back. Then we ended up kissing a lot. Maybe it was disrespectful but I think the branches were just happy for us. _

_I did most of the work on tree house. It's okay. I know Santana gets tired fast. Plus, she did a lot of important things too. She did the drawings with all the measurements. I didn't always follow the measurements… that's why it's so ugly. I got sad first when I realized it was so ugly but Santana kissed my cheek and told me it was charming. She said it gave the place character and then she wanted to show me all her favorite parts of it. She pointed at all the ugliest parts, and told me a reason why she liked every single one and after that I liked that it was ugly. Besides, it's not ugly on the inside. Santana spent a lot of time planning the inside and decorating it just right and she got tired from that too. _

_I'm worried about her. I tried to get her to eat something all week and she kept resisting. The only thing I saw her eat was a spoon of cake and that's only because I threatened to take away our sweet lady kisses. Then she just walked away from me like I made her mad by making her eat that. People shouldn't be getting mad by eating cake. Cake is delicious and everyone should like it. But I won't try to force her to eat anymore. I think I've seen enough and I don't want to make her mad at me again. _

_I wasn't alone for long though before Quinn came to talk to me. I know it was her party so it was probably rude that I tried to walk away from her but I thought she was gonna be mean to me. She said she wasn't going to make fun of me and that she just wanted to talk. I think she saw me hesitate because then she said she wanted to talk about Santana so we slipped away to her room when Santana wasn't looking. _

_Her room is nice. It's not as nice as Santana's but it has more color. Not as much color as mine but definitely more than Santana's. At first she was really quiet and she just opened and closed her mouth without anything coming out. I knew Santana was out at the party and I wanted to spend more time with her, plus I wanted to make her stop being mad at me, so I got impatient and asked Quinn what she wanted to talk about. _

_Quinn said that she knows how close Santana and I are. Duh? I don't know why she kept calling me stupid all the time if she's the one who's just figuring that out now. Anyways, so then she said she wanted my help because Santana is sick and we have to do something. That made everything real. Everything that I just wanted to be me acting silly was real. Then it got really warm in her room and my throat closed up and I didn't know what to say. It feels wrong to talk to Quinn before I've talked to Santana. I can't go behind her back like that. So I asked if Santana has a cold and Quinn said never mind and she left. She looked disappointed. Like she really wanted to talk about it. I wonder if she has no one else to talk to. I can talk to her – **after** I've talked to Santana. _

_I know Santana doesn't have a cold. Although I wish that's what she had. That would be a million times less scary. But I know, or at least I think I know, what kind of sick Santana is. When I was little my dad called it head sick. He said that people sometimes don't take it seriously because it's in our heads so you can't measure it or see it and people think that we can control everything that's in our heads, but that's not true. I think Santana's head thinks food is bad and I want to make her head realize that food is good. The problem is, diary, I have no idea how. _

_Santana is not ready to talk about it. I thought that maybe she just wasn't brave enough to bring it up and totally understand because sometimes I tried to bring it up but I chickened out. Other times when I had worked up the courage for really long and wanted to try but it's like she sensed it and brushed it away. Should I wait for her to talk to me? That's what feels the most right. I don't want to push her and I feel like pushing won't even make it better. But I don't know if I can wait. I don't think she can either… _

_She's lying to me. I didn't notice before but now it's like she's told so many lies that she can't keep them apart anymore and she keeps messing them up. I noticed at first because of something she said the other day because I remembered that she said something else the week before so then I started testing her. And I know that's so wrong because girlfriends shouldn't test each other and I want to be a really good girlfriend, but she's lying to me. Anyways, I started purposefully asking her things that I already knew. If I ask them in a way like I don't know the answer she thinks she hasn't told that lie before and instead of remembering she just makes a new one up in her head and they're not the same._

_The times I called her out on it she just made up another lie about how she forgot or she meant something else or this one time she just looked me straight in the eye and told me that's what she just said. I'm sure I heard her say one thing, then I said what she had said about it another time, and she said that's what she just said. It wasn't. But she looked so serious and sure that I'm not sure anymore. Maybe she did really say that? Maybe I just heard her wrong? _

_Yesterday we talked about sex. Santana talked about it. She says she wants to have it but then she won't even let me take her shirt off. You know when you're angry and you do that thing where you count to ten in your head so you won't be mean to anyone? I have to do that all the time to not rip all her clothes off and have sex with her. I mean I wouldn't ever. I don't want to push her in any way when she's not ready and I won't. It's just hard. Since I moved here I haven't had sex, even once. That's really hard for me because I really like sex and now it's been months. It's not just that though. It's also her. It's mostly her actually. _

_She's really sexy. Even when being so small she manages to be really, really hot. Everything about her turns me on. Her long hair, her big lips, her neck, her boobs in every shirt she's ever worn, the slice of skin of her wrist she shows when she rolls up her sleeves a little bit. And she does the sexiest things. When we study together I'm usually on the floor trying to do my exercises and she's lying on her stomach on her bed reading or typing something on her computer; she'll have her feet in the air and her back arches a little and she always has a pen that she either puts behind her ear or she plays with it with her lips and tongue. How is that fair? How am I supposed to concentrate when she does that? _

_You know, I was really close to not graduating. The school told me that with transferring so close to graduation and not bringing with me the best of grades; my chances of making it were slim but I told all my teachers that I would work harder and I did. Then Santana came along and she helped me a lot. So I get to graduate. When we found out that I would; Santana was so happy and proud of me that she told me I could choose anything in the entire world and she promised she would make it happen. _

_I chose a picnic in the park. Santana said I was silly for asking for something I could have anyways when I had the chance to choose anything in the entire world, but I said that those things were my favorites, so we packed blankets and pillows and a basket with food, that we ended up forgetting somehow, and we drove there in Santana's car. We cuddled in the blankets until it got dark and then we cuddled some more while also watching the stars. Neither of us knew anything about stars so we just made up our own names and stories. Santana made up the funniest stories and all her stars had crazy names. We fell asleep there too but then we woke up a couple of hours later and the grass was wet and it was kind of cold (Santana was really, really cold) so we drove home to sleep there instead. _

_Santana got into Stanford. I was there when she opened the letter. She looked like she knew she would get in. I knew it too, Santana is really smart, but I was excited anyways. Then I realized that I hadn't even applied for colleges. I was so busy trying to graduate high school that I completely forgot, but it's okay. I don't think college is for me anyways. Besides, if I was going to college I'd have to be apart from Santana. Now I can come with her to California. If she wants me to, of course. We haven't talked about it and I'm nervous to ask. I was gonna do it when we finished the tree house but then we talked about sex instead and then… _

_Santana got sad… She was really sad. It was the most I had ever seen her cry and it made me cry too but I don't think she saw that. She said she wasn't perfect. I knew already that something was wrong but that's when I realized just how wrong. If she doesn't see how beautiful she is then something is not right. I want to make her see that, even if it's hard and tough and impossible I want to make her see that.. Even if it's the last thing I do._

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**Santana's POV**

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I'm in the tree house. Again. I feel like I'm always here nowadays. I just like it so much. It smells like Brittany up here. It smells like me too I guess but not as strongly. In the house I can't smell anything because I'm so used to breathing in there but up here Brittany is everywhere. And it's so warm. The last couple of days have been really hot which means that mom turned up the air conditioning to like the maximum freaking Arctic mode. I can't be in there. But up here is just a haven of blankets and pillows and hot air.

It's also a good place to think and I can't stop thinking. I can't stop thinking about Brittany. A week has passed since I talked to her up here but I still get flashes of her hand tangled in my hair, of my tongue flicking her nipple. I want her. I want her in every way I can have her. I used to think I was so in control but if I can't even let my girlfriend see me naked then I'm not so sure anymore.

I close my eyes and sigh deeply. I'm so sure I like Brittany, that I want her in my life and that I want to do _things _with her and yet I still can't seem to let that happen. It confuses me to the point where I just want to ram my fist through something. You can't be sure and unsure at the same time. I mean, Brittany is sure. I know she is. She tells me she wants it every day. Not in words or anything but in the way she looks at me and the way she touches me.

"Here you are." I hear her voice first and when I peer up; I see her climbing up the ladder and closing the curtain I hung to the side earlier. Brittany lies down next to me and kisses my shoulder. She doesn't really say anything else. She has been noticeably quieter this week. She has something on her mind; I'm pretty sure of it. I'm just afraid of asking what it is because I fear I already know exactly what it is.

I prop myself up on my elbow and stare down at her beautiful face. She lets her eyes fall shut and a slight shade of red spreads across her cheeks. She can get shy. I used to think I was the only one who got shy but when I look at her like this, like nothing else exists, she closes her eyes and blushes. I bend down and kiss her eyelids really softly. I can see the corner of her mouth curl up a little but she keeps her eyes closed.

_We got the afternoon, we got this room for two._ I start singing and my fingers ghost up her arm. _One thing I've_ _left to do._ I kiss her shoulder and I like this shoulder kiss better because she's only wearing a tank so my lips get to press against skin. _Discover me, discovering you._ My fingers keep going across her chest where I draw a little heart over hers. _One mile to every inch of your skin like porcelain._ Her shirt has already ridden up so I move my curious hand to her stomach and play with my fingertips around her bellybutton. _One pair of candy lips and your bubblegum tongue. _I trace over her lips as I sing that and when I get to the part about the tongue; Brittany sticks hers out and licks my finger. I giggle and she opens her are certain moments when everything just stands still and it's like the world really does revolve around you. This is one of those moments and all that's important is looking into her eyes.

"And if you want love, we'll make it." She sings really quietly and she her smile fades. Not because she's upset or anything. The moment is just heavy. I don't break eye contact with her as I nod. Did I just nod? I just nodded. For a moment I thought I had only done it in my head but not two seconds later her nose brushes against mine and I feel the gentlest kiss on my lips.

I lean back against the mattress again and her lips follow mine; allowing her to roll on top of me. We keep kissing gingerly. I handle it well. I guess it's not really real to me until one of hands slides a little lower and in under my shirt. I become overly aware of where it is and what it is doing despite Brittany pausing it to try and ease me into it.

"Are you okay?" She asks softly. She felt it, she felt me freezing up. I nod stiffly. "Do you wanna stop?" Her voice is so gentle when she asks and it makes my eyes prickle.

"You're not ready. It's okay Santana. I'll stop" She murmurs and her hand slides off my stomach and digs into the mattress by my side so she can support herself on it as she lifts herself up slightly. It's a relief. At first. Then it feels cold and empty and sad and I want her to touch me again. I want this. If it's all I've been able to think about for days now then I want it.

I wrap my arms around her neck, lifting my head off the pillow to desperately press a kiss against her lips. I almost miss her mouth and end up kissing only half of it. I can't do anything right. She giggles and pulls away a tiny, tiny bit to kiss me with her lips fully on mine, and suddenly I'm not embarrassed anymore about doing it wrong - because she fixed it. She always does that. It's like she knows when I'm feeling awkward about something and she sets it right. She doesn't acknowledge it and she doesn't ignore it; she just makes it right.

Her thumb strokes against my waist and then her hand is on my stomach again. I instantly suck it in. It's a reflex and I can't help it. I think she noticed because she giggles again. The noise vibrates through our kiss and tickles my lips. I'm afraid she'll say something but she doesn't. Her hand goes higher and her thumb draws a long stroke against the thick material of my bra on the underside of my boob.

"Can I take it off?" She whispers, her lips hovering just above mine. Her breath is warm and it coats my wet lips and sneaks into my nose too. It's sweet, like peaches or mangoes.

I haven't told her about my boobs. Maybe I'm supposed to? People probably have the right to know such things before having sex with someone.

"Th-they're not m-mine." I stutter and I feel almost cross eyed when I peer up to look into her eyes, because they're so close to mine.

"Of course they are, silly." She smiles and that's so sweet too. Brittany can be my sweet fruit because her sweetness is even better than the one I remember from mangoes.

"No, I mean they're fake..." I explain quietly and now looking in her eyes is too scary.

"I know." She breezes and goes to kiss my cheek.

"You know?" I question and it makes my cheek move and mold to her lips differently. "And you don't care?"

She kisses a little trail all the way to my ear until her lips are right by it. It's ticklish and tingly and I almost flinch away.

"You're beautiful, Santana." She whispers and all the hairs all over my body stand up. I feel the goose bumps wash over me like people doing the wave at a baseball match. She turns my face to her and kisses my lips.

"Every part of you." She murmurs quietly.

My lips curl up and she pecks them sweetly with tiny kisses following their curve. It feels silly and not sexy at all. But it's intimate and I feel... beautiful? No. But like she thinks I am. Maybe that's enough? I part my lips and suck her bottom one in between them. She's definitely sweeter than a fruit. She pulls away and I see her lip stretching as my mouth is needy to hang on to it. It's released with a little plop that makes her giggle again.

She's sitting up now, straddling over my thighs and I barely have time to wonder why before she pulls me to sit with her. She grabs the hem of my large shirt and hesitates, waiting for me to give her permission. I lift my arms over my head and she starts pulling. It's a lot colder without the shirt but I don't have time to ponder on that either because she hooks her fingers through my bra straps and pulls them off my shoulders. When they're hanging loosely she reaches to my back and unclasps my bra. Her hands make their way back and she catches the straps on her way until my hands are out of the loops. It's really graceful and not fumbly at all. When it's time for me to take hers off later I hope she does it for me because I'll mess it up. I can't do things as smoothly as her.

She's looking. She's looking right at my boobs. It's really exposed and my heart speeds up with uneasiness. I watch her eyes intently and see them linger on my stomach area. My arms react and they go to hug over it to shield the horrible sight. I'm sitting up and all. It's the most unflattering angle! But they barely make it halfway before her lips crashes against mine and I fall back on the mattress. Her hand is already cupping one of my breasts and she gives it a little squeeze. It makes her moan against my mouth. It's a long and drawn out sound and it makes me want to give her more.

I arch into her and my head tilts back as a result. She kisses my neck and then a finger strokes over my nipple. It's hard and bends at her firm touch. It makes me whimper and my arching breaks from being caught so off guard. She does it again, in a more circular motion and my fists close hard around the fabric of her tank. She moans again and her butt lifts and moves sort of up and backwards. Since I'm holding her shirt; it rides up and I think she did it on propose because she wants me to take it off. It makes me nervous but I want to feel her skin so I pull. She moves even more backwards to help, and it does help because I don't mess it up. Maybe a little when it gets caught under her chin but it's only for a second and then I'm free to fling it away at random like they do in the movies. I do mess that up though because it barely makes it anywhere. I half expect her to giggle but she doesn't. She's too busy pulling the straps of her bra down her arms and unhooking it.

I look down between our bodies and see when her breasts fall out of their support and reach closer to my body, threatening to tickle me with the taut, pink nipples. They do for a second and then her body crushes down on mine. It feels nice and warmer again and her boobs are really soft against mine but I wanted to look more. I push her so she rolls off me onto her back and I roll over on my side so I can look at her. I make sure most of my front is hidden by turning it into the mattress. Then I stare. I really stare, and I know it's not fair because I didn't let her look at me for this long. Her boobs are prettier than any other pair of boobs I've seen before. They're a lot prettier than mine. They're smaller but still really round and the nipples are rippled and they're pinkish.

"You can touch them if you want." She says suddenly and I snap my eyes up to hers, then they flicker back down and I hesitantly put my hand on her stomach. It's hard and soft at the same time and there's a valley splitting it in half from her abs. I follow it higher but my hand moves really slowly. I want to, but what if she doesn't like it? What if I can't make it feel as good as when she touched mine just now? She places her hand over mine. Shit, she changed her mind!

"I want you to touch them." She whispers shyly and pulls my hand higher. I close my eyes to brace myself until I feel her nipple flick in under my hand and draw against my palm. She squeezes my hand which makes my hand squeeze her boob and then she leaves me to it. I squeeze again, just the way she just showed me and she makes a noise. I do it again and she moans again. I try other things like kneading it, stroking over it and lightly pinching her nipple. It's exciting between my legs and it makes her make those noises so I think she likes it too. Maybe what feels good for me feels good for her?

I get a little more confident and scoot higher, still playing with her breast, so I can kiss her. Her mouth is already open and I slip my tongue in there, causing her to moan loudly and wrap her arm around my neck, throw her leg over my thighs and she shifts us back to our original position with her on top. Her tongue delves deep into my mouth and it feels really soft and velvety against mine, only it's so hungry and desperate. Her hands are hurrying over me. One massaging my breast and the other slipping into my pants and going far down on the back of my thigh, clawing its way back up and landing in firm squeezes on my butt. Our kisses make wet noises and Brittany is making so many noises I can't tell where one ends and the next begins. She's straddling my upper thighs and our legs aren't even interlocked but it doesn't stop her from grinding down on me. She pulls away from my lips and kisses open mouthed along my jaw line and then down my neck. Everything is really fast and overwhelming.

"C-can we slow down?" I ask with burning cheeks. I almost regret saying it because I don't want her to think it doesn't feel good. Her lips freeze first but stay connected with my neck. It's not until she has freed her hands and uses them to hold herself up that she lifts her head and looks at me. She looks so sweet and kind.

"Yeah, of course we can stop." She murmurs and shakes her head a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I'm sorry."

"No, not stop. Just... slow down." I say and I probably look as shy as she does. I don't want her to stop. Ever. But it's new and... A little scary and I reeeaally don't wanna mess it up. Especially with her.

She cups my face with both her hands. She still feels really light on top of me and I have no idea how she's holding herself up. Her thumbs stroke over my cheeks and then she closes the gap between our faces. She kisses me with her lips against mine, seconds after seconds going by without us even moving them. Then she shifts slightly. The way she opens her mouth makes mine open also and her tongue carefully teases over my lip until I greet it with mine. It's still slow and her tongue seems to be made of silk. Wet, sweet silk sliding in and out of my mouth. I know that hearing anyone else make wet kissing sounds like this would have grossed me out but because it's us it makes my 'down there' pound.

We kiss slowly for a long time and I'm getting kind of warm. Warm enough to know I want out of these jeans. I wonder where my hands are and realize they've been just as still on her upper arms as hers have been on my cheeks. I slide them lower. Her skin is really smooth. I wonder how a person gets so smooth. My hands don't even mess up; that's how smooth she is. She's wearing jeans shorts. I've already forgotten what shirt she wore but I remember the shorts. Probably because I don't ever wear shorts. But shorts look good on her. Her legs always look really delicious. It makes me even warmer to think about and I remember why I moved my hands down here in the first place.

I slip my fingers under the shorts, and I didn't mean to but I all I feel is more skin, so I probably slipped under her underwear too. Her butt is also smooth but it's even warmer in here. The inside of my fingers are burning. Maybe they're even burning on her? I hope so. I slide to the front and fumble with her button but her crotch area moves away in a jerk.

"I'm not wearing any underwear." She pants into my mouth.

"Hot." I breathe and latch onto her neck. I kiss her there like I have before. I know which spots that make her quiver and dart my tongue out to tease. She lets me for a minute but then she sits up quickly and opens the button of her shorts. I hook my fingers in them and try to pull down but she's straddling me so they won't go anywhere. I pull her down and roll us over and then I sit up to reach for her shorts. I'm not even aware of my stomach probably folding in a million creases as I do. The button is open and I can see the tops of the V shape leading to her lady parts. I stroke their path gently and then tug on the shorts. I'm pretty sure my heart has never beaten this fast before ever in my life. She lifts her butt a little so they're easy to slide off as I uncover more, inch by inch, until the pale mound is completely naked before me.

My fingertips travel across it and she shivers. It's really soft, like a cloud. I lean down and rest my forehead just below her belly button. She slides her fingers in my hair as I let my breath breeze across her skin. With a tiny pucker of my lips they press against her in a feathery kiss. Her stomach jerks inwards which frightens me enough to make me look up at her. Maybe I'm overstepping? Her eyes are calm; they're dark with lust, but calm. She smiles and it's so amazing I almost don't notice her pulling me down on top of her and rolling me onto my back. She leans down and brushes her lips over my collarbone. It feels really good. I know there's no fat there; it's just bone. I hum contently and her lips stretch to a smile again.

"Can I take yours off also?" She asks against my skin. I become aware of how naked I already am. No one has seen me this naked in so long. I get nervous. I still get nervous that she might not like me if she sees the real me. I wouldn't like me. But I trust her. She's Brittany.

"Okay, it's okay." She whispers against the same spot because I still haven't answered or even visibly reacted to her question and she takes that as a no. She's the nicest, kindest, most considerate person I've ever met. No one has ever wanted me more than she does and no one has ever put so little pressure behind it.

I grab her hands and guide them to my zipper. She sits up slightly while doing so to make it easier. It's supposed to be graceful and sexy like when she wanted me to touch her boobs but my hands are freakishly shaky and she feels it. But she just smiles. How can she make everything okay with that smile?

I let go but her hands are still shaking as she fumbles with the button. She's nervous too? It's adorable; not pathetic like me. She unzips and bites her bottom lip before hooking her fingers in _everything._ I hold my breath as it travels down my legs. I close my eyes and pretend that doing so makes her eyes close also. I can at least pretend I'm not as vulnerable as I feel.

Her fingers tickle up my thighs again until they're gripping my hips and moist lips kiss my down there. It's lower than I kissed her but still innocent enough. She kisses my hipbone and I finally let out the breath I was still holding. She lies down on her side next to me.

"I want to make you feel good." She whispers and gives me a long, sweet kiss. I'm naked. I'm completely naked with her and she's still here. Her eyes are still the same and they're looking at me with the same adoration. Her touches feel the same… or even closer than ever. I love her. That's what this is. I almost forget to kiss her back. How didn't I realize this before? How could I not know I felt it one moment and now it's taking over everything? We're already pressed against each other but I scoot closer. I don't want her to be far away ever again.

She pulls away from the kiss and the second it takes for them to reconnect with my neck is long and painful. Her fingers brush against all the right things. They fiddle over my collar bone, slide down my ribs and along my side and caress my favorite mound of bone; my hip. Then they slip between my legs and I forget how to breathe.

She doesn't go inside straight away. I thought she would because Sebastian did, but she feels everything. Her fingers get wet and slippery as she moves them up and down. Every time she goes up; she touches a spot that makes me jerk. Every time I know she's there I try to hold myself down and not jerk but I can't. It happens a couple more times and then she stays there, pressing gentle circles around it. I force down a moan and put my arm over my mouth so the noises won't come out. Brittany places a trail of soft kisses on it.

"Santana, it's okay. It's just us." She murmurs and as she does; her fingers go inside me. My first instinct is to hold in the moan that causes too but before my eyes roll to the back of my head I catch a glimpse of hers. They're safe and warm and the sound just slips out. It's not loud or long, but it's out there. I remove my arm from my mouth. I let it glide down her stomach instead but stop when I'm close to her stomach ending and the other stuff starting.

She nods and shifts a little so I'll get a better angle. She's still inside me and she stays there, but she's not moving. I think she's giving me some time to process everything and not get so overwhelmed. When my hand is low enough to feel her I almost pass out. I don't actually, because I wouldn't dream of leaving this moment, but almost. I thought it might be wet but I didn't think it'd be this wet. She buries her face in the crook of my neck when I explore her.

This isn't like I imagined. It's better, but so different. Even those few times I've touched myself were nothing like this. Maybe because that was two-way touching and I couldn't figure out if my hand was feeling my lady parts or if my lady parts were feeling my hand. Now my hand is definitely feeling her. I feel a nub that makes her jerk like I did before and I feel velvety softness in her flesh and I find where all the wetness is coming from. With a little push I'm in there. It's smaller than I though but it was easy to slide in. I'm on my back and Brittany is on her side so if I lift my head I can see…

I tilt my head up a little, not too much because Brittany is still breathing heavily against my neck and I like how warm it makes me, but just enough so I can look. I see my fingers come out and then go back in. Come out and go back in. It's fascinating. One moment I see them and the next they're completely buried. I love how she feels around them. It's boiling hot and slick and tight.

Brittany stirs and then suddenly her lips are on mine and her hand starts moving again. We moan against each other and then we both have to smile. She digs her fingers deep inside me and I try to match on her because what she's doing feels really good. Brittany usually makes more noises when we make out but pretty soon I'm the one doing most of them and my breathing is strained. Kind of like when I go running only then I can control it and force it into a pattern which is completely impossible right now.

I don't even see it coming when everything in my body clenches and a wave of… just awesomeness goes through me. It's so embarrassing that I tremble and shake because I know she can both see and feel it and I have no way controlling it. She slows down but doesn't stop completely until I've calmed down. That's… I've never had that happen before. I think maybe that, what happened just now, is the reason people like sex so much. I almost feel paralyzed. I shouldn't be though. I have to make her feel the same and I don't think she has yet. She hasn't done any of the clenching or the shuddering. I tried to do the same things to her that she was doing to me but it was hard to concentrate when she was making me feel so good.

Brittany wipes her fingers against the mattress and then she grabs my wrist to move my hand away from her _area_ but she doesn't let me wipe my fingers before interlocking hers with them. I still don't think I was done with her. I hope she didn't think I was really bad and that she doesn't want to do this again.

"This was _perfect._" She whispers and shifts closer, draping her leg over me and resting her head on my chest. She also holds on to my hand tighter and I think she's smiling. How can she be so happy?

"But… y-you didn't…?" I don't know how to say it so all that comes out is unattractive stuttering but at least she'll know what I mean. I think. I hope. She sighs contently and nuzzles into me.

"This was better than that." She mumbles. I smile. I want to make her feel that good some time and then many times after that but maybe this wasn't about that? I wrap my arm around her and kiss the top of her head. She lets go of my hand for a second to pull the covers over us and I know it's for me when she drapes two thick duvets over us. She wants to stay up here tonight and she doesn't want me to be cold. Then she wraps her body around me again and holds my hand. We cuddle; just like we've done on our sleepovers before. Nothing has changed. She didn't throw up. She didn't run away. She didn't tell me she never wants to see me again. No. Even after seeing me naked, feeling me naked; she's nuzzling closer and telling me sweet things. I can't get over it; how good this is.

"Come with me to California." It's not really a question. I mean, it's a question obviously; she can still choose not to come but that's not how I say it because it's not what I want her to do.

"I'll come with you anywhere." She coos. It's peaceful but not as sleepy as I expected it to be. I thought she might not even answer because she might be sleeping but she sounds wide awake. She moves away slightly and looks at me with furrowed eyebrows. She caresses my cheek and presses a hard kiss against my lips. I can barely purse my lips to kiss back because it's so hard and it feels… sad, somehow.

"We have to talk about something." She whispers finally after pulling back. She looks like she's on the verge of crying and that's when I can no longer deny; s_he knows_. I don't know how long she's known but she knows. There are no lies to get me out of it this time. I swallow and give her a tiny nod.

"Not tonight. I want to have tonight." I plead meekly. She mouths _'okay'_ but no sound comes out. She lets me hold her in my arms and after some time of our breathing trying to rock us to sleep we relax more against each other again. I know we're just going to pretend to be sleeping tonight but it doesn't matter. There is a world out there and it's crashing down on me but tonight… it's just me and Brittany in this tree house.


	18. Chapter 18

Just a heads up... I'm suffering from a wee bit o' writers block at the moment BUT I am (excluding this one) two chapters ahead of you so you won't notice it until Tuesday and there's a weekend in between so who knows? Hopefully you won't notice at all but like just throwing it out there :)

PS. I love you

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**CHAPTER 17**

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**Brittany's POV_  
_**

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_**Dear diary, **_

_I made love to Santana last night. I loved ever second of it. Thinking about it makes me wonder why I'm here at home and not with her. Why I'm not with her every second of every minute. I know I had to leave because it's Sunday and she had to have dinner at her grandmother's house but I just didn't want to go. _

_We spent the whole night in the tree house. The times Santana woke up from being cold I woke up too and draped more blankets over us. I was so hot but it was okay. When Santana's body parts slithered around me she stole most of that heat anyways and I loved having her so close. We have cuddled closely before but this time we were skin naked. I don't know why that makes it more special or closer but it does. Especially because it took us so long to get there. Santana wasn't ready before. _

_She was ready last night. She was still unsure in certain moments and I know I got a little too excited and might have moved too fast at times but she told me when so I could slow down and have it be exactly the way she wanted it. I almost didn't know what to do with myself when she let me take her shirt and bra off. Her eyes looked so vulnerable and endlessly deep. Just because I know how hard it was for her; it made me want to cry that she would trust me that much. _

_I don't understand how it can be hard for her. I try to understand, I really do, but she's so beautiful that it still confuses me so much that she doesn't see that herself. She's so perfect and she was more perfect last night than she had ever been before. That's saying a lot because I've thought she is perfect since the time I first saw her. She was just so open and her guard was down and I've never seen that with her before. She lowers it sometimes but she never lets it completely down like she did last night. _

_I could try to tell you how it happened but I think you needed to be there. And no offense, diary, but I'm glad you weren't. It was just Santana and I; just us in the whole world. It was so amazing. I know I made her feel good and that's what made me feel so, so good. When it got really tight around my fingers and she shuddered against me. You should have felt the way her breath hit my ear in those moments; jerkily and erratic. If I close my eyes I still hear them. _

_I didn't … pop. I think it made her nervous that it didn't happen for me, but out of all the times I've had sex; this was my favorite. She was amazing. What's better than amazing? She was all the things that are better than amazing. I can't even describe it. Even if the pop didn't happen… I felt something else. Something I haven't felt with anyone before. Every touch was like paradise. Feeling her wetness on my fingers, feeling her inside of me, feeling her breath and her kisses and her skin and… I felt her heart so close to mine. _

_I wish I could stay there; in the time it happened. It's like I've lived there today anyways. I haven't been able to think about anything else. When we woke up in the tree house wrapped up in each other my mind was with her. During my walk home my mind was with her. The hours I've spent just lying on my bed now my mind has been with her. I'm always with her. I have to be. There's no other place for me. If everything happens for a reason then suddenly my whole life makes sense. I had to be born where I was, I had to be who I am, I had to have all those people be mean to me, I had to have my mother be ashamed of me because of it to the point where we moved across the country. Those were all things I didn't like before but they brought me here. To Santana. _

_Maybe it was fate? If fate is a real thing then this was probably fate. Maybe it wasn't just for me though? Maybe I'm supposed to help her back? When we woke up this morning we first stayed in bed for I don't know how long. It was just really hard for me to let go of her and I snuggled up to her chest and basked in every second she had her arms wrapped around me. My stomach started rumbling and she said "Come on, Britt. Let's get you some breakfast." We got dressed and went inside and she didn't even bother to think of a reason why she wasn't having breakfast. I didn't bother asking, because we both know that we both know. She just watched me eat my poptart, brushed some crumbs from the corner of my mouth and kissed me. _

_I wanted to talk to her about it last night but she didn't want to. I understood then and I didn't try this morning because I knew I had to leave and I didn't want to leave it unfinished. And plus I really got the feeling Santana didn't want to talk about it. Then again, she never wants to talk about it but we **have** to. I can't just walk around and pretend like I don't know something is wrong. When she comes back from her grandmother's we're going to talk. I'm not pushing; this just can't go on any longer. _

_Her bones stand out. I knew she was thin and that her hands are a little bony but last night with all her clothes off… I could count her ribs. I wanted to lie on top of her and I did for a while when I kissed her but if I do it for too long it hurts. Her hipbones are really hard and they dig into me. She's really tiny. I knew she was small but I didn't know how small. She's never properly let me touch or even at all see her before and she didn't really want me to look at her last night either; at least not for too long. I think she thinks that if I don't look at her I won't see her. I do see her. I've seen every part of her. I've seen all her outside parts and all her inside parts and I still think she's really pretty. Even with the scary inside parts I think she's so beautiful. _

_I love her. I love Santana. That's why I have to have this conversation with her._

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**Santana's POV**

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I poke at the food. I used to be able to eat at least a little of what Abuela served but it's getting harder. It doesn't help that I can't stop thinking about Brittany. I was so nervous she'd try to talk this morning but she just ate her breakfast without a fuzz and then we went up to my room and cuddled in my bed. We talked about other things. Mostly California. I told her that my dad was already looking to find me an apartment there and that, if she wants to, I want her to live with me. Dad insisted I have my own place. He wasn't at all fond of me living at a dorm and I couldn't be more grateful. I think he doesn't want me to party too hard but I just think it's going to be so nice to not have to deal with people everywhere. Although if I live with Brittany I guess that's people… but she's not really people. She's my_ person._

She said she'd like that very much and then she started talking about decorating and furniture and rubber ducks in the bathtub and dinner tables and bed covers. She was so cute I could barely listen. She said she didn't know how her dad would feel about it though and that made my stomach twist a little with worry. What if her dad doesn't let her move with me? They did just move here for Brittany's sake so maybe they'll be mad if she just takes off with someone? Plus, they might want her to go to college. I guess… we'll just have to wait and see.

I take a couple of grains of rice on my fork. I know Abuela is staring at me. Mom isn't here. She had to stay at home and wait for the pool loser Noah to come over. She said there was something wrong with the pool. I know there's not but it's none of my business. Usually when mom's here though; her and Abuela will talk so much they don't even notice me but now it's just Abuela and me and well… the silence has been long and uncomfortable. I don't even want to look her in the eyes. Her eyes are scary and always so harsh.

"Santana, you're all bones. Like Jesus on the cross." She mutters and points to my body with a fork full of food. "Eat."

I take the rice in my mouth and while chewing it I put down the fork and zip my hoodie all the way up just to hide better. She keeps staring at me so I quickly pick up my fork again and eat a couple of the beans. I can pretend beans are better than the rice because they have protein and fibers and there's a fair amount of water in there but they're stuffed with carbs too.

"I'm full." I announce and put the cutlery down. I push the plate away from me and fold my hands in my lap. She looks at me and then at my plate and then at her own.

"Everyone has secrets, Santana." She says. Everything freezes. Not just me. I think if I looked outside the birds would be frozen in the sky and the trees frozen in the wind, cars frozen on the street and people frozen in their gardens.

"What do you mean?" I ask and try to seem carefree.

"I know your mother is as dumb as a bag of wet hair, but you don't fool me." Her tone is harsh and her eyes keep flickering between my plate and my body. I wish there was something bigger I could hide behind so she'd stop looking at me like that. I can't believe this is happening. I didn't know she knew. She's not supposed to know. No one is. I can't believed I failed. It's not that fucking hard. I have two rules. Two rules are not that hard to follow. Stupid motherfucking fucker!

And why is everyone out to get me all of a sudden? Why can't people just leave well enough alone. It's not their problem anyways and there is no such thing as their help. They only make it worse. No matter what they do; they _only_ make it worse!

I don't know what to say so I just keep staring back at her.

"Eat what's on your plate or leave this house." She says sternly.

"Abuela?" I breathe in chock and the tilting of my head is pleading for her to just drop it. Why would she ask me to do that? This plate is huge. There's more food on it than I eat for an entire week. I can't. I can't.

She reaches across the table and picks up my fork; holding it firmly and waiting for me to take it. Tears prickle my eyes as my hand, shakier than ever, reaches for it. She keeps staring at me as I dig the fork into the mountain of food on my plate. It seems heavier all of a sudden. I can barely lift it. My jaw is cramping from clenching shut so tightly.

Looking at the food I feel my gag reflex start to tease and what I've already eaten comes up. I keep it in my mouth and don't let my Abuela notice. But I can't stay here. I drop the fork. It hits the table and falls to the floor. I see her eyes go wide before my chair screeches against the floor and I stand up. I don't even walk fast out of her house. I don't have to because she's not chasing after me. I spit out the vomit in my mouth in her flowerbed and then I get in my car. I rest my forehead against the wheel for a second but I can't stay here. Abuela can't see me be weak.

I drive. I almost run a red light because I don't notice it changing. When I stop I close my eyes so I don't notice it changing back to green either until the car behind me honks. I'm tempted to just keep driving, to go on the highway and just keep going forever. I'm tempted to drive my car straight into a wall. Just unbuckle my seatbelt and drive full speed into it. That would be so easy.

But I miss Brittany. I'm pretty sure that even in death I'd still miss her. So I end up outside her house. Her parents are home. Her parents don't work on the weekends. Her dad isn't always away and her mom doesn't have a pool boy. I don't knock on her door. I park on the street and stay in my car. It's enough. I'm closer.

I fall asleep in my car and I don't know what time it is when someone taps on my window. My first instinct is to drive away but it's Brittany outside so I unlock the doors and she walks around and gets in the passenger seat.

"How long have you been out here?" She asks gently. She looks so gentle. Like she's made of gentle.

"I honestly don't know." I say with my voice kind of croaky. That's great, Santana. What, because you've had sex with her now you think it's okay to be all disgusting around her. She can still leave.

It's darker out already and rub my eyes to get rid of the fatigue.

"How was dinner?" She whispers and fidgets with her fingers. I think she's nervous.

"Let's not talk about it." I try to sound as kind as possible but it comes out a little snappy. I'm sorry, Brittany. I didn't mean to snap at you. Brittany's eyes are huge and they look sad. I feel like I want to hug her but we're in a car so the positioning is awkward.

"Do you wanna go to the tree house?" She asks. I shake my head no. I know it's a special place for me but that's why I don't want to be there now when things are... in the crapper. All I want to remember from in there is last night.

We decide to just go to my house and the drive there is silent. Brittany keeps fidgeting and I think she's wearing her thinker eyes. It's like the calm before the storm. I have nothing up my sleeve but I really want to avoid the storm. I hate the storm. If the storm is anything like what happened at Abuela's house the storm will suck.

When we get there my mom's car is gone and when I call for her inside I get no answer. I tell Brittany that I have to shower. I don't really have to shower but I really have to brush my teeth because I don't want her to try and kiss me when there's been vomit in my mouth. And I can't just say that because I don't want Brittany to know there's been vomit in my mouth.

I go in the bathroom and head straight for the mirror. I look at my face first. I have dark circles under my eyes. They're becoming a permanent thing and I hate that. My hair is dry. It's still long but it looks broken and it's falling out. I know when I get in the shower and wash it; lots of it is gonna go down the drain. It's kind of gross, but it's one of those things I'm so used to now. And plus, it's worth it to be thinner. What's a couple of hairs compared to that? I'll just get a weave or something.

I turn to the full length mirror instead and my clothes come off. I haven't properly examined myself lately. I stand with my feet together and… my thighs don't touch at the top. They don't touch anywhere. My chest feels lighter and a smile spreads over my lips. I almost forget. I forget that my Abuela kicked me out and that Brittany wants to have a serious talk. That my mom is off somewhere screwing a pool boy and that I may not see my dad again until graduation day or something. None of that matters. My thighs don't touch anymore.

Didn't I say I'd be done when my thighs don't touch anymore_? You did… but look at your hips. Look at your stomach. _I pinch at the fat there. _There shouldn't be anything to pinch._ _Other girls can't pinch that much. You're fat Santana._ You're right; I'm not done just yet. It's definitely improvement. I can't stop now. It's actually working so it's just a little while longer and I'll be there. A couple of lbs. It probably won't take very long. I mean this is result. My thighs don't touch. No, I won't stop now.

I shower and I do a quick vanity check before I step out to Brittany again. She stands up as soon as she sees me. I know she's worried. I smile at her and she smiles back weakly and her head is kind of tilted. She looks sad and serious even though she is in fact smiling. I know what she's thinking and I think I know what she's gonna say and I don't want to hear it. Not now. I can't listen to her trying to get me to stop when I can't stop. If I just ignore it maybe it'll just go away. It works with most things. I swoop closer and press my lips against her.

I love that she's taller than me. I love tilting my head back to kiss her. I love hugging around her neck while she wraps around my waist. I love when she lifts me off the ground in a hug or lets me dance on her feet. I love her. That's why I don't want to have this conversation.

I hold on tighter and pretend that Brittany's body is the moment and if I just don't let go it won't pass. But it does. She sighs against my mouth and her hands slides from my waist to my hipbones. Usually I'd like her touching me there but I don't right now. She's touching them in a weird way. She's grabbing them sort of like to show me that she can actually grab and hold on to them. My lips stop against hers and she takes the opportunity to pull away. Her mouth opens and she starts it like she's been trying to start it all week.

"Santana…"

"Not now, Brittany." I sigh and squirm away.

"Yes, now, Santana!" She says loudly and angrily. I half flinch because I wasn't looking at her and I was completely unprepared for an outburst like that. I just look at her and I can feel my eyes drying to I'm guessing I'm wide eyed and not blinking. She lowers her gaze and her fingers fidget for a second and then she looks up with a different look on her face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell." She apologizes and comes closer again. "But I can't pretend I don't know what's happening."

"Okay. Fine. You know. Thanks for telling me. Let's move on." I say testily and back away from her attempts to share the same personal space. She doesn't stop trying and it almost becomes like a dance until I back up against the bed and fall to sit on it. I feel a little cornered and the gentle look on Brittany's face is actually _not_ helping. She wouldn't look so gentle if she didn't think there was something to be gentle with.

"We have to talk about it." She says softly but as she sits down next to me; I shoot up.

"There's nothing to talk about!" I shout and walk across the room to sit on my desk chair instead. That's a chair. For one person. So she can't be so close if I'm on that. Brittany takes a deep breath. I can see from her body language that it's getting harder for her to stay calm and her eyes are screaming with determination to do so anyways.

"I want to help you." She says gingerly with newfound composure and calm. I see she took a good look in the cliché book today. I'm not even panicking. Every other time we've touched on the subject I've panicked because I've been afraid of her finding out. Now that she knows everything she says about it is just aggravating. I don't think I've been angry with her before but things are starting to boil inside me and we haven't even really started talking.

"I don't need your help." I snap. Brittany flinches as the harshness and then her lips purse together really hard and I see her fingers, one at a time, tap the mattress. Is she counting to ten in her head? She told me she does that when she's mad because she doesn't like to be mean to people. Is she mad at me?

"You're hurting yourself." She's not quite as successful in sounding calm this time. She actually just sounds frustrated. If it makes her so mad then why aren't we just dropping it? Why do we have to get into this? Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, good will come of this.

"I'm fixing myself!" I'm louder than I mean to be so I guess I'm mad too. Are we about to have our first fight? It would be exciting if, you know, it wasn't so _un_exciting.

"You could die." She sounds sadder for a minute and all her anger is exchanged for seriousness. I roll my eyes. Why doesn't anyone understand this? It's so simple and logic and it's not so bad. People are just making it worse in their heads.

"Yeah. Like I'm gonna let that happen." I say sarcastically. "Just relax Brittany; don't worry so much. I know what I'm doing." I know I sound convincing. I've used this voice to win arguments with my mom since I was like three years old and with its level of calm and reason and just a slight condescending touch to make the other person feel stupid; it has worked every time.

Brittany rolls her eyes back. She actually just rolled her eyes. I've never seen her roll her eyes before. At least not that I can think of right now.

"Yeah?" She asks and sounds kinda cocky.

"Yes." I say matter of factly.

"Take off your shirt." She says suddenly and her arms cross over her chest and her eyebrows go up a little in an expecting look.

"What? Why?" I ask sceptically and frown.

"Just show me that you can." Her tone is sharp and she's standing up now; coming closer slowly like she's a timer and when she's made it all the way over to me time will have run out and I will have lost. I roll my eyes but something tells me I don't want to lose so I stand up and grab the hem of shirt. I slowly pull it over my head.

Everything changes the second I do. It gets colder and Brittany's eyes on me get scarier and then my heart starts pounding harder and it takes everything I have to not put it back on. I can at least cross my arms over my chest because that's how she's standing. She keeps looking at me. Not at my face. At my body. For several seconds, each of which feels like an hour, she just stares. Her eyes are bouncing from arms to chest to stomach to hips, back to arms, stomach again, face for half a second, back to stomach, hips, arms, chest… Thank god I didn't have to take my pants off too.

"Tell me what you see." Brittany says and nods to the mirror; keeping her arms crossed and her eyes bouncing.

"That's enough." I say angrily and pick up my shirt again to put it back on. She snatches it away suddenly. I didn't even notice her coming within its reach before it was gone. Why she would do this to me?

"In the mirror. Tell me. What you see." She repeats and her voice is so stern. This side of Brittany would probably turn me on if her sternness was directed at someone else or like in role play. This is reality and it's way too real to be sexy. My mouth is hanging slightly open and I feel… oh crap! My eyes are starting to sting. I can't cry now. Not now, not now, not now.

"I know what you're trying to do but if you think I'm playing this game with you you're sadly mistaken." I rant with irritation as I try to yank my shirt out of her grip. She resists and she's stronger so she wins.

"This is not a game!" She yells but then she finally lets go of my shirt and I quickly pull it over my head again.

"Then what the hell is this?" I holler back when my head appears again.

"Goddammit, Santana! You can't keep doing this to yourself. _I_ can't watch you do this to yourself." She shouts and she slams her hand against my desk. I can't believe we're screaming at each other like this. It feels kind of surreal actually. I don't like it.

"That's _your_ problem, not mine." I say and I walk away from her again. It's like some magnetic thing, you know, when magnets repel each other? I don't even want to. I want to be close to her. Being close to her always makes me feel better. It makes me feel safe and warm and… loved. But I'm not allowed to be close to her. _It_ won't let me.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She matches me by saying it in a normal tone as opposed to yelling, but she still sounds mad.

"I'm doing this. I don't want your help. I don't want your pity. I don't want your condescending bullshit." I grunt in frustration and I want so badly to knock something over but the only thing I can reach is a picture frame on my nightstand and it's of my dad so I don't want to break it.

"What _do_ you want?" She challenges, loudly again, and I can tell she wants to knock something over too.

"I want this asshole world to just leave me alone!" I shout and then sigh in defeat. I'm so sick of yelling. It takes so much energy. Brittany looks almost like she's stumbling backwards.

"Do you want _me_ to leave you alone?" Her tone is harsh and so cold and it scares me. She wouldn't leave me, right? Maybe if I cheated on her or killed someone but not easily, just like that, just because of this, right? Right?

"I didn't mean… I just want you to_ let it go_ and be with me. Please?" My words and eyes are pleading longingly but Brittany doesn't look any closer to backing down.

"And if I can't do that?" She asks quietly and her fingers are fidgeting. She can't do that. She means… she means she can't be with me. Or she means she can't let it go, in which case I can't be with her. But I have to be with her. I don't- I can't- it's Brittany and I. We belong together.

"If you _won't_ do that then… Then we're over." I cover my mouth with my hand; it just snaps up. I'm not sure I meant to say that. I'm not even sure I wanted to say that. I sounded confident as fuck and that's why Brittany looks like that. Heartbroken. Like when Wheels McCripple called her stupid in the hallway. I almost stabbed his leg but then I realized he wouldn't feel it so that wouldn't be punishment enough. Now I've made her look the same way. She lifts her hands to wipe her cheeks. I made her cry. Fuck, I hate myself so hard right now.

"Are you breaking up with me?" She asks quietly and her voice just sounds like sadness. The very definition of sad can be found in her voice.

"Are you going to stop fighting me on this?" I ask. Woah, I don't even sound bothered by what's happening. Is that really my voice? Robot-like. It sounds like I'm not even feeling anything... Brittany shakes her head.

"Then I think you should go." I state. Maybe for Halloween I can be an ice-queen because right now it seems like I have the part down perfectly. I'm pretty sure my face doesn't even have an expression. She takes a step closer and she opens her mouth.

"Go!" I order before she can tell me more about how she only wants what's best for me, how I need help, how she wants me to get better, how I'm hurting myself. She turns around. I want to call out that I changed my mind but my lips stay closed. I can't even open my mouth. What's happing in my head has no chance of getting out. I want to chase after her but I can't take a single step. Don't go, Brittany. Please don't go! She keeps walking. She disappears into the hallway and in a moment she'll be down the stairs and out of my house. Forever. I sink down on the floor and hide my face in my hands; shaking my head to keep myself from crying. Isn't it dandy how I'm allowed to do that but when I wanted to stop it from having to happen I could do nothing.

Then suddenly fingers are prying my hands away. Brittany is on her knees in front of me and she's putting her hands where mine were and all the air is stolen from my lungs in overwhelming relief. She came back. And her hands are so much warmer than mine. She pulls my face closer for a kiss. It doesn't become a real kiss though. It's just lips against lips. Hers taste salty from tears and I'm pretty sure we're both crying now. She keeps me there and it doesn't matter that our lips aren't even trying. We still fit together perfectly. She strokes my cheek tenderly and I smile at her but she doesn't return it. She bites her lip instead.

"I'm not expecting a magic recovery…" She coos and her eyes flicker like she's hoping that if she just looks at everything enough times everything _will_ change _magically_. I can give her anything else, whatever she wants, but I can't give her that.

"Just tell me you'll try." She whispers hopefully. She didn't come back because she's letting it go. She came back to give me a chance to change my mind. It would be so easy to lie right now. All I really have to do is nod and then I will have told her that I'll try. Trying doesn't even mean I have to succeed. I could just pretend to be trying so that I can still be with her. But it's like I don't have a choice. I run my fingers through her hair and give her a hard kiss on the forehead.

"No." I say and everything on her falls. Her eyes, her posture, her hope, her heart.

"Not even for me?" She asks and she closes her eyes while waiting for the answer. If she opened them she'd be staring straight into mine. It's so hard not to kiss her. It might not be fair but I do it anyways. Ever so softly my lips interlock with hers. She exhales into it and the warm air from her nose tickles my face. It feels like she just exhaled in relief and I hate myself more than I've ever hated myself for letting her think the kiss was the answer, so I pull away.

"… no." I whisper and clench my eyes shut so hard. I can't look at her. I can't actually watch what I just did. So I don't know how she looks. All I know is that her hands leave my body, there's a breeze from her standing up, I hear loud swallows from her trying to force down tears and then I hear my door quietly click shut. I don't expect to see her when I open my eyes. A part of me was hoping she closed the door from the inside but that part dies quickly because she's not in my room. My room is emptier than it's ever been. I don't even feel like I'm in it.

Dad is gone. Mom is gone. My brother is gone. Quinn is gone. Abuela is gone. Brittany is… gone. The only thing I have left is _it._ I used to think I was so in control. I used to think I invented control. That it was patented in my name and I had so much it could fill the Atlantic Ocean. I just realized I control nothing. Least of all I control myself. Even if I wanted to get better, even if I wanted to try; I have no say in the matter because I am being controlled. And why would I even try to fight it when I've pushed away everyone I'd fight for? I think _it _planned this all along.


	19. Chapter 19

Up here I just wanted to say that **all your reviews make my day, every day!** Hugs and smiles and dancing monkeys! :D

And... I think I'll leave an author's note at the bottom of the page today. See you down there ;) Peace!

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**CHAPTER 18**

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**Brittany's POV**

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_Dear diary, _

_I didn't write in you yesterday, and I didn't write in you the day before that because I couldn't. For two days I've just been in my room. __I haven't gone to school and I haven't let mom or dad into my room._ I've even been so much on the bed it's become uncomfortable. I'm on the floor right now but that's also uncomfortable. The chair is too. Maybe nothing can be comfortable when I'm not with Santana? I remember waiting for her call after the date where she ran away and everything was uncomfortable then too. And the other time when I waited for her in her room after she ran away again; not even Santana's bed was comfortable then. 

_Or it's just because I can't stop crying. Every time I think I'm done crying I'm not. I'm still not done crying but I had to write now because everything is in my head and it has stopped making sense and I have to try to make sense of it. _

_Santana broke up with me. She wouldn't let me care about her and she wouldn't let me help her. She told me to go. Or at least I think she told me. It looked like her mouth was telling me but her voice wasn't her voice. It was different than all other voices I've heard her speak in before. It sounded like she wasn't there and it was really, really scary. What if she wasn't there? What if she's not there anymore? What if her illness has taken over and I don't know where to find the real Santana? _

_I did everything wrong. I should have waited. Or I should have said other things and done other things. I shouldn't have yelled and I shouldn't have made her take her shirt off. I should have counted to one million instead of ten and I shouldn't have left even when she insisted. I don't know what I actually should have done but I just want to go back in time and do it again and do it differently. I want to rewind it as many times as_ _I__ need to get it right. I should build a time machine. _

_She broke up with me. I can't help her if I'm not with her. I could go talk to Quinn but I don't want to. I want Santana to get better but I don't want her to end up hating me. I guess I don't know for sure what would happen but Quinn said we needed to "do something". It sounds so aggressive and like forcing Santana to do something she doesn't want to do. It's probably best for her… maybe… but what if she gets so mad at me she won't ever talk to me again?_

_I know it's so, so, so, so, so selfish but I don't want to be with Santana just to make her better. I want to be with her for me because I need her too; probably more than she needs me because she doesn't even seem to need me at all. She's the only person, other than my parents, who I've actually loved. Plus it's different from loving your parents because you're born to do that. Maybe I was born to love Santana too but it's still different. I love her so much and she broke up with me. _

_Someone once told me that if you can't fix it with duck tape it's really broken. I went and got my dad's duck tape from the garage but I don't think it'll help. So we're really broken. Santana and I are really broken. I have to fix it. I have to put the pieces back together; **us **back together. I've been in my room for two whole days trying to think of how. How I can be with her and help her at the same time. Maybe that's why I've been crying so much? Because I can't think of a single way. _

_You know what's silly? When I told her that I know what's happening I was still hoping she would deny it. I was wishing she'd have some awesome explanation that would prove I had it all wrong. I think even an okay lie about it would have been good enough. At least looking back like this. It's all my fault. I made her move away from me like I had the plague and I made her snap and yell at me. I could have just listened when she said that there was nothing to talk about. Or when she said she didn't need my help or when she said she knows what she's doing. Why didn't I listen to her? Even if I don't think she's right I'd still be with her if I had just listened. _

_I didn't listen to anything. After she told me to leave once I came back anyways. I was in her hallway and I was going to go because she asked me to but I couldn't. I went back to her room and she was on the floor and she was crying into her hands. It hurt so bad to see that because I knew it was my fault. Then I saw a light in her eyes. When I had removed her hands from her face and I saw her beautiful brown eyes it was like they started shining and she looked so relieved and even with tears still streaming down her face she looked genuinely happy. I looked at her really hard because I wanted to see everything. _

_I don't think I noticed before how sick she looks but she's paler now than that first day in the cafeteria. I used to see her hair as the most beautiful hair in the world. It's so long and I thought it was shiny and flowy but I saw that it looks kind of sad; like her hair is sad. She's dark under her eyes and she looks tired. But I still think she's so beautiful. She's still the prettiest girl I've ever seen and that's why I wanted to look so hard. Then I ruined that too. I insisted that I wanted her to try. She wouldn't. She won't. She told me no. Then she kissed me and I thought she had changed her mind. I got so warm inside and my heart fluttered and I thought everything would be okay but then she whispered no again. _

_That was the worst moment of my life. In all my life nothing has hurt as much as that. Not when Peter called me gross, not all those times my mom has looked at me like she wished I was someone else, not all those times people called me stupid or a slut. Even if that was an entire school of people doing it; hearing Santana whisper no was a million times more painful. Then I had to go; that's what she meant by saying no. She wanted me to leave so I did. I wanted to stay forever but I left. _

_I got home and dad asked me what was wrong. He could see that I was crying and normally I don't like to not tell him things because I don't want him to worry but I couldn't even say a word to him so I just went to my room. Then I took the key from mom and dad's room. They don't know that their key locks my room too but it does so I took it and locked myself in. Dad knocked and knocked but I didn't let him come inside. I think he heard me cry though because he sang through the door the same song he used to sing to me when I was little and sad. Then after a couple of hours it got quiet and it was late so I thought he had finally gone to bed. _

_The next morning I was going to the kitchen because I was hungry. I thought dad would be at work because it was Monday and he has a job and I was hoping mom would be in the garden so I wouldn't run into her. But my dad was still outside my room. He was sitting against the wall and he was sleeping. I sneaked past him and got some food and then I was just going to lock my door again but he looked like he had been crying too and I couldn't just ignore him. So I kissed his cheek and he woke up and he wanted to talk but I said I didn't want to yet and he told me I can tell him anything and it'll be okay. I hugged him but then I went back into my room and locked again. _

_Even if I want to talk to him I don't think I can… not without mentioning Santana and that's not my thing to tell; especially not since she puts so much effort into not letting anyone know. It took me weeks to find out and I was close to her almost every day. If I told someone, she wouldn't ever want to talk to me again. I can't let that happen. I have to talk to her again. I have to be with her again. I can't live without her, diary. I can't._

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It's warm outside. That's nice I guess. The birds decided to shut up for once. I guess that's also nice. But nice things don't feel nice anymore. Not since Sunday anyways. I wonder if the rest of my life will feel like this. Yesterday my mom gave me a thousand dollars because she felt bad about not coming to Sunday dinner. She told me to go on one of those _splurging shopping sprees you love so much_. Clearly, she knows me well.

She didn't seem to know what happened at Abuela's house but I couldn't just assume so I asked if they had talked. Mom said they hadn't. Then Abuela called mom's cell phone. I heard it first and mom wasn't in the room so I was going to just hang up and delete the proof of it ever happening but my mom came running in so I had to hand it to her. I stayed close while they talked. I didn't want to seem obvious and mom is one of those nervous people who just can't sit fucking still while talking on the phone. She has to water plants and wipe surfaces and put little things in order. I just wanted to scream at her to stop. We have people to do all those things anyways.

Mom's voice never changed during the conversation though. It stayed chirpy and breezy. I still couldn't just assume so after they hung up I asked what she said and apparently Abuela is going to Puerto Rico to visit some cousins and she wants mom to water her plants and get her mail. Abuela's plane leaves on Friday. That was all. There was nothing about me in there. I didn't know if I should be offended or relieved. Or rather… maybe I should be offended but really I'm just relieved.

I look up at the tree house again. I haven't been up there since Brittany left. I can't go up there. But I can sit down here in a lounger on the patio and look at it like a loser; wishing I had someone to be up there with. Wishing I was up there with _Brittany_. I haven't seen her in school. I was looking for her but Quinn told me she wasn't here. Then Quinn started asking me questions and she said it was _obvious from the way I was acting _that something had happened between Brittany and me.

Then she implied that it had something to do with_ it_ and I got mad so I told her to worry about herself and I called her a fetus face and walked away. She wasn't done, of course, so she chased after me and then we almost started yelling at each other but she apologized and told me it's just because _I care about you, Santana._

She got this face. It was pity I think, or at least a little of it. The way her head tilted was at least pity but there was something else too and I'm pretty sure it was determination. I had to find a way to distract her again. Every time she's approached me with this I've had a way to buy myself some more time and still keep us on good terms. I have to keep Quinn really close. Like an enemy. She could destroy me. If she told people I'd be ruined. Imagine the talks. And the looks. What everyone would say behind my back.

So I smiled at her; the sweetest smile I could muster and I told her how much it means to me that I'm that important to her. I told her that for her, my best friend in the whole world; my home girl, I'd start thinking about changing. Then I told some bullcrap about how I'm not as strong as her though and she needs to give me a little more time. She looked super pleased with herself and granted it. I think this whole "_helping me"_ thing is really more for other people. It makes _them _feel good. It makes _them_ feel like good people. They don't care about the me part, so really they're just selfish.

It was funny having that conversation with her. Quinn used to be the person I could be the most honest with so it was a whole new level of manipulation. I was so proud of myself. Although it didn't really feel like me. My voice sounded like the robot ice Santana, even though Quinn didn't seem to hear it, and it felt almost a little bit like just watching it happen and not actually doing it. So really I think _it _was proud of _itself _for accomplishing that.

Quinn also offered me to come with her to therapy again and it was actually a little tempting but I couldn't accept.

If I could go to therapy; that would be like trying which means Brittany could be with me again. So I definitely would. I would do anything for her, really, but I can't do the things I literally_ can't_ do. I even called the therapy office to schedule an appointment for myself when I came home but every time the receptionist answered I hung up. Or I sat quietly until he hung up on me. Therapy is like an Indigo Girls concert; I just can't.

I've wanted to call Brittany too. It's only been two days but I've wanted to call her every second of every minute of every hour of those two days. I can't even sleep. I'd throw in an _"I can't eat"_ too because that's also something they always say in cheesy movies but that's ironic in a way that's not even funny.

If I could eat; Brittany would still be here. But she doesn't want to be with me if I don't try and I can't give her that. I tried to eat. First I just tried to accept that I'd never be with her again and that it was okay because at least now she could be with someone more worthy of her awesome amazingness and I could focus on becoming perfect once and for all. Then it hurt too much to not have her around. I've gotten so used to just having her around. I didn't realize how much time we spent together before. Not until she was gone and it just got fucking empty.

So I tried to eat. I had egg white and that was alright because I'm used to eating that. I know what's in it and how much and what it'll mean for my body so it was okay. I got cocky and tried to take it further by eating something else. There were leftovers in the fridge so I took that and I put it on a plate and I heated it. Then I just stared at it. I stared at it so long I started seeing shapes in it. At one point I was sure I saw Obama in the sauce. But I couldn't eat it. I tried cutting into smaller pieces and I even talked to it but every time I lifted my fork to my mouth I felt like I was going to throw up. I put it in my mouth anyways but I couldn't swallow and it was like it grew in there. Like the calories were multiplying like cell division and I had to spit it out. I really tried but I couldn't.

She deserves better than me anyways. She deserves the best person in the world, who can give her everything she wants, or might ever want, and even that person is only half as good as the person Brittany really deserves to be with. I can't believe I thought that I could actually be that person. I'm not good enough. I only make her miserable. I only make her cry. Is it selfish that I still want her? Yes, probably. But why wouldn't selfish be on the list of things I am. It fits right in; between fat and fucking evil.

I can't decide if Brittany is the best or the worst thing to ever happen to me. I love her so much and when I'm with her, or rather when I _was_ with her, I feel like she's definitely the best thing. She makes me feel in a way I can't even explain. She made me fall in love when I thought I couldn't feel anything. But now she's gone and I realize how miserable I am without her. I used to think I was happy, you know. That I didn't need anything or anyone but myself and that my life was just… good. I don't know how I could ever feel like that and I certainly don't feel like that anymore. I'm never going to be happy again. Not without her.

Before Brittany I didn't realize how many can'ts there are in my life. Now they're everywhere. They're cornering me and I it's too hard to fight them off because they're so many. All the things I do; I used to think I do them just because I can. Turns out I do those things because there are a hundred other things I _can't _do.

I googled it_. It._ I hadn't done that before because that would have implied that I don't know what I'm doing and that I needed some lame website to tell me. It would have implied that I was doing something wrong and that maybe I was sick and I was so sure that wasn't true. Now that I'm not sure anymore I thought it might help to read about it. It didn't really.

Most things were just stupid and too text book to be anything but stupid. Other things were just medical stuff that I already knew from school or around. Some things were just cheesy and disgusting like they were focusing so hard on how to word it like the most horrible thing in the world that they just ended up sounding ridiculous. Then there were some things that felt like they came straight from my head. Like someone had read my mind and posted it online. That was scary. At first it felt nice that someone actually understood but then I got this weird feeling in my stomach. I think somewhere along the way I had forgotten that I wasn't the only one in the world. That's when I closed my laptop and I haven't opened it since.

I stood in front of the mirror. Not to gain motivation this time. I tried to see what everyone else is apparently seeing. I tried to see someone so thin that people think it's sick. I couldn't. The more I tried to tell myself that I'm thin the fatter I looked in the mirror. Like I was bloating. Like the words _me _and _thin_ in the same sentence, even just thinking them, was like inhaling bucketfuls of calories. I had to rush to the bathroom and puke.

I hear a noise. I think the front door just closed. That doesn't make any sense. Mom shouldn't be home from work yet and I know dad isn't home because he's in Boston on business. Maybe it's a burglar? I don't even care. Maybe if all our things get stolen dad will _have to_ come home? Then I can act like I'm scared and sad about a stranger in our house and maybe he'll hug me. I'd really like a hug from him right now. Otherwise I have to wait until November. That's my birthday and he usually hugs me on my birthday.

Minutes later someone slides the patio door open. It's silly but I've convinced myself that it is a burglar now and I get ready to tell him or her where all the good stuff is. If they somehow manage to steal the car in the basement my dad is definitely gonna come home. The person says nothing and I don't turn around to look but I can still somehow sense that it's not a burglar. It's someone who found what they were looking for when they found me. The door slides shut again and I'm not sure if she stayed or left. Then I hear feet padding against the wood and she occupies the lounger next to mine. She's still not saying anything and I want to look. So badly. But I see the blonde hair in the corner of my eye and I know it's her.

"You told me that in summer I could swim in your pool." Brittany murmurs quietly. I finally work up the courage to turn to her. She's not looking at me back. She's looking at the pool and she's only wearing a bikini. The top is green and purple and the bottoms are red and yellow and I wonder how you even find a bikini like that. It makes me smile though because of course Brittany has it.

"You wanna swim in my pool?" I chuckle and maybe she was scared I wouldn't let her and that's why she wasn't looking but now she turns to me and smiles faintly.

"Will you swim with me?" She asks softly and scoots to the end of the chair, hesitates, but then stands up and reaches her hand out to me. She smiles when I nod and she starts pulling almost before I've placed my hand in hers. I take off my sweat pants and the cardigan I was wearing over my bathing suit. I tense for a moment but Brittany's eyes aren't doing the bouncing thing. She's only looking at my face and she smiles that warm smile that makes me feel safe.

She goes in the water first and takes a couple of strokes in it before stopping and disappearing under the surface to make her head and hair wet. With just my feet in I feel how cold it is and I can't help the little shriek when my whole body goes in. We don't say anything for yet another while. We just swim around and I think she's actually enjoying it while I'm only pretending to. After some time my teeth start chattering and I try to make it stop by clenching my jaw but it only makes it worse and it catches her attention.

She swims over to me and when she puts her feet on the bottom of the pool I realize we're in the shallow end and I stand too. She's really pretty. And I know I already knew that but every time I see her in a new way it's like a new pretty. I've never seen her swim in a pool before. I have seen her just out of the shower but it's not the same. Now she's wet all over and she has beads of water running down her face, some on the side of it, from her temple to her jaw, others from her forehead and they get caught in her eyebrows or run down her nose and drip off. The sun is out and her skin shimmers and her eyes are sparkling and the blue of the water brings out the blue in her eyes. When I look at her like this it feels like there are no can'ts in my life at all. Like I can do anything and I'm invincible or something.

"Your lips are blue." She coos and I can feel them trembling against her finger when she uses it to trace over them. I don't know what to say. _Yes, they are? Thanks for telling me? That's interesting? Yours aren't?_ What do you even reply to that? I don't have to think of anything though because she leans forward and she kisses me. I whimper and she moans and then we both get embarrassed because we didn't want the other to know how much we've missed each other. But it doesn't stop the kiss. I don't think even a meteor about to hit us could have stopped this kiss.

She lifts one hand to my cheek hurriedly like she's afraid I'll pull away and I wrap my arms around her waist to show her I won't. With our bodies flush against each other I walk us to the pool wall and push her up against it. She groans when her back hits it and opens her mouth more to kiss with more hunger. Her hand glides from my cheek into my hair and to the back of my neck where she pulls me towards her. I let my tongue delve into her mouth and she wrestles it with her own, almost like they're fighting.

I let my hands run over her and I'm glad we're in water because it makes it easy for them to slide over every inch of her without messing up. I reach around her neck and with just a simple pull I've untied her bikini. It's still tied around her back but I don't care about that. I can still pull it down and uncover her boobs. I grab them, one in each hand, and squeeze. She pulls away from he kiss to breathe and moan and throw her head back and I kiss her neck instead because I feel like my lips really need to be on her right now. I squeeze her boobs again and she moans again. Her nipples are hard as rocks. It's fair, we are in pretty cold water after all, but it still makes me smirk. She breathes my name and it's not a question or because she's trying to start a serious conversation. It's just my name in her thick breathing and it turns me on so badly.

I use one hand to guide her to kiss me again. The other travels on its fingertips down to her bikini bottoms and she rocks into my hand before it has even slipped in them. But I waste no time and I love the feel of her against my hand again. It wasn't even a week ago but it feels like forever since last time. Everything is wet under water but I still feel which wetness is hers. It's warmer and not as splashy. When I start rubbing her she stops kissing me. She still stays with her lips against my mouth; I think she just forgets to move them.

She keeps rocking into my hand and I push a finger inside. Then one more. And after a while another one. This isn't slow and lovely like in the tree house. It's clingy and feverish and desperate and fast. And messy from being so fast and desperate. Brittany wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes herself closer. I thought Brittany had touched me in every way but now; gripping on for dear life is a new way. It's like I just got back from serving years in the army or something. It gets harder to move between her legs but it's not like I really know what I'm doing anyways so I go with it.

Her hold gets tighter and tighter and tighter and then her downstairs clenches around my fingers like its trying to trap me there so stop really deep inside her. She shudders, every part of her shakes, even her nose shakes against my cheek. She moans but with her mouth closed so it comes out like a long hum and then she lets go. Almost like she falls off because she doesn't have any strength to hold on anymore.

She stays leaned against me until I pull out of her. I don't want to but I feel like it would be weird to just stay in here so I do. Slowly. My fingers were the warmest part of me but meeting the water again they feel the coldest. She leans back with a goofy look on her face. Her eyelids are kind of hooded and she has an almost loopy smile. I did it. I made her feel good in _that way_. It almost feels better than when she made me feel like that. I understand how she could still be so happy after last time.

I lift my hand to stroke her cheek but I probably shouldn't use the hand that just … so it falls again and I use the other. She turns into it and kisses my fingers. She giggles and it's so innocent and pure that I giggle too. It feels almost like the last two days never happened. How amazing would that be? If they were just a bad dream. They're not though, and Brittany's smile fading reminds me of that.

"Brittany… why are you here?" I'm not sure if that's a fair question after what we just did. What mostly I did. She might have kissed me first but I pushed her up against a wall and I pushed my hand into her drawers.

"It's so hard to stay away from you." She whispers sadly and breaks our gaze. I don't know if she's embarrassed or just shy but either way I don't think she knows just how good it feels to hear that.

"Then be with me." It's another one of those questions that I don't treat like questions at all from trying to steer the outcome. It worked last time.

"How?" She asks with a confused wrinkle between her brows. It may not be as simple as just _'be with me'_ but why can't we pretend it is?

"Just be with me." I repeat softly and I catch her cheek again; making her look at me while I nod reassuringly.

"Santana, you're-" Brittany starts.

"Don't." I interrupt and my voice is starting to do the robot thing again. I think she hears it too because her eyes widen slightly and she looks almost frightened as she opens her mouth to speak again.

"Okay." She says quickly. "I'll let it go." She nods hurriedly. I break out in a grin. Yeah? She's really letting it go for me? I hug her, hard, and press little kisses on her shoulder. She hugs back equally hard and it's clear that she's not pulling away unless I am. I whisper things to her. Like how it feels good to hug her again. How she smells nice. How she doesn't have to worry and it's only for a little while longer. She nods and then it's time to get out of the water because I'm getting numb.

We go back to the loungers and I don't even put my clothes on right away because the sun on my skin, like actually on my _skin_, feels nice. Brittany doesn't take long before her arm moves over to my armrest and she holds my hand. I close my eyes and turn my face towards the sun; humming in peaceful delight.

"What's that?" Brittany's voice snaps suddenly and her thumb ghosts over the inside of my arm, a little below the bend of it. I look to where she's touching and see the two red cuts from Sunday night. Crap, I forgot about those.

"Uhh… my cat-" Shit, I don't have a cat!

"I mean, there _was _a cat. In my backyard. I tried to get it to leave and it clawed me." I stutter. Brittany just stares at me. I stare back. Her eyes are piercing; mine a pleading._ Don't leave, please don't go again. _I know she doesn't believe that lie for a second. I don't expect her to. It's quiet for a long time. Maybe she's waiting for me to tell her the truth. She already knows it so what's the point?

"Okay." She says finally. Okay. I sink back against the backrest but reach for my cardigan. She even lets me put it on but then she wants to take my hand again. She closes her eyes but even so I think she knows I'm looking at her. I wish I could read her mind right now because I have no idea what's happening.

"San?" She asks me without turning back to me or even opening her eyes. All I feel is her hand squeezing me tighter.

"Hmm?"

"Do you promise it's just a little while longer?"

I used to be so sure. I used to think it was so easy just to stop if I ever reached the point where I wanted to. I think I reached it. Not because I thought I was perfect yet but because I didn't want to lose Brittany. I reached it and I couldn't do anything. I tried, I really tried but I was trapped in can'ts. But maybe it'll be different when I'm thin enough? Maybe then stopping will be easy? I don't know. I have no fucking clue, but I can't tell her that.

"Yeah… I promise."

* * *

**Okay A/N;** I realize... or at least I _think_ that a lot of people were expecting this story to go in a different direction. Some might argue a more logical one, a better one, one you'd like better. I also have this borderline obsessive need to make all people like me all the time so my instinct is to excuse this chapter from even happening... but I won't.


	20. Chapter 20

He-he-heyyy! In Sweden it's after midnight so it's technically Wednesday for me which means my update is a tiny bit late but I work the evening/night shift this week so I didn't get home until now :)

Also... I feel a little bit like Glee right now because... I'm messing with continuity. Yes, you heard me. Although I mean mainly the format. Brittany and Santana will in this chapter refer to each other in the **2nd** person as oppose to what they've done previously which is the 3rd. They're in the same bed for almost the entire chapter and I just didn't think it made sense to refer to someone as "_she_" when they're right there.

* * *

**CHAPTER 19**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_**Dear Santana,**_

_I'm lying in your arms right now. I can feel your heart beating. It's faint but it's there and it calms me. Sometimes it's so weak that I can't feel it and it scares me just as much every time. But you always feel me freezing up and you murmur "It's alright Britt. I'm right here." That calms me too, but not as much as feeling your heart like right now. With every beat I'm hoping this "little while" will end. You said it was just for a little while longer, you promised, but it's getting worse. _

_The hair on your head is getting weaker and sometimes when I run my hands through it there are so many loose ones in my fist when I pull away. I curl it up to a little ball and throw it away, hoping you won't notice, but you do. I know you hate it. You hate your hair and you hate that it's falling out but it's like it's not worth it. You don't think your hair is worth it. _

_I know that you also don't like that the rest of your body is getting hairier. You have little fuzzy hair almost all over. You shave your legs; you always did that, but now you shave your arms too. Your back and stomach still give you away, Santana. But I'm the only one who gets to see your stomach and back and even I don't get to look for too long. You don't like it when I play with your fuzz so I try not to. But it's part of you now and because of that I can't help but like it. I know it means you're sick and I don't want you to be. But I can't help that I like you just the way you are. _

_We've fallen into a pattern. The first days of pretending I didn't know you're sick were really hard. Especially since you weren't careful with hiding it anymore. I'm not saying you were flaunting it to be mean. Everything you did just screamed at me that you were hurting yourself and then your eyes kept telling me not to bring it up and I didn't. It wouldn't be fair to you if I came and said that I would let it go and then I didn't. So I just closed my eyes or turned away from you for a moment while I counted in my head. Ten quickly stopped being enough. I had to count to fifty, sometimes hundred, just to will away my tears and not scream at you to stop. _

_But then it got easier. At first easier was scary. I wondered why I didn't cringe at seeing you lie to your mom about dinner. Why didn't it make me want to cry when you left me alone for a while to go exercise like it did before? I still don't have the answer to that, Santana. Did I just get so use to it? Because I haven't forgotten how badly you're treating yourself. I still know how dangerous it is. I still care. Did I just give up? _

_Sue kicked you off the Cheerios. She said a lot of insulting things about you being skinny and you pretended to be offended and angry. You're a really great actress but I knew you loved it. It spurs it on when people call you thin. It's like accomplishment or something. It's part of your illness. But I hated Sue for doing that. I hated her even more when she called me into her office after she talked to you. _

_She asked me questions about you, Santana. She asked me so many questions that I knew you would never give the truth to. I was quiet for a long time because I wanted to tell her. I wanted to let her know because maybe she'd know better what to do. I even made up a code and blinked twice at her. I wondered why she wasn't reacting until I realized she didn't know that blinking twice meant that you're sick. _

_I knew you'd hate me if I told. You wouldn't ever talk to me again. So I lied for you. I didn't say you were fine because she wouldn't have believed that. I just said you were stressed right now before graduation and all. I said you had some issues at home and that you weren't eating well and not sleeping much. I said you're going through a tough time but you would be fine. She let me go so I figured I had convinced her. All I have left to do is convince myself. _

_People think you're mad at Sue. Some of them even question how she dared to do something like that to you. You're so good with pretending, Santana. Everyone believes you. Everyone thinks you hate not being on the Cheerios. But you're relieved. Now you don't have to walk around with that tight, skimpy uniform anymore. You can cover up your body. You do it really well too. When I see you dressed for school in the morning I almost forget you're sick. You look almost normal. You're still look really thin and people tell you that too. _

_All the girls say they're jealous of your body and you bask in their "compliments". I hate those girls too! They don't know what they doing. They need to stop. But I can't ask them to because that would be betraying you. I won't betray you. You can trust me. I wish you would trust me enough to let me help you. Maybe you do, but you just haven't realized you need help yet. Maybe one day you'll trust me enough to let me say, and believe me when I say, that you do. _

_I compliment you too, of course. You're my girlfriend. But I don't do it like those girls. I compliment **you. **When I call you beautiful I don't mean that you're thin. I mean **you,** Santana. When I touch you I don't feel your frail body, I feel **you.** When I look at you I don't see bones poking out of skin, I see **you.** I love **you** and I'm in love with **you** and I want to be with **you.** **You, you, you.** _

_You're tired all the time. You don't even know that you are and frankly, I don't understand how or where you find that energy. You get up early every morning to work out. You go to school and you laugh and joke with your friends and then after school you work out again. You used to run but you don't do that anymore. You fainted during a run the woods and no one found you so you had been lying there for so long when you finally woke up. _

_You called me and I came over to your house. You were really cold and you had hurt yourself. You said you fell on a rock but I don't know any rock that makes three deep, perfect cuts in the bend of someone's arm. I know you cut yourself Santana. You wanted to punish yourself just like you've punished yourself before. You lied about it those times too. I just said okay, those times I said okay and this time, I just said okay. It makes me feel like crap to just say okay when I **know**, but you've told me you want it that way. I'm letting it go for you. _

_(Crap - that's your word, Santana. I never used to say it before but being with you I've started to talk like you a little bit. And you like me sometimes too. I always smile when that happens.)_

_When I first found out that you had fainted in the woods I thought it was the first time but then you told me it had happened before and then it happened again and it's still happening sometimes. I made you promise to stop running. I never thought you would but you promised. I was so happy because I thought you would finally slow down. But now you walk instead. You walk fast and you walk for hours sometimes. I should have known you wouldn't give up that easily. You need to win. I've never met anyone who needs to win as much as you do. _

_You're a fighter and your mind is the only thing moving you forward because your body is too tired. When we have sex and I touch you, you always warn me by moaning my name before you pop and I slow it down and I do it gentler and your pop is softer and doesn't steal so much of your precious energy. When we have sex and you touch me with your fingers you can only go for a couple of minutes before your arm gets too tired and you warn me again. I take over for a while but then you're so eager to send me over the edge. You smile when you do and for a moment I forget again; that you're sick. But then we hold each other and I feel you wrapped around me. You're so small. It's not cute small like a kitten or a puppy. It's scary small. You're scaring me, Santana. _

_Still, even though I feel I might shatter you if I shifted in your arms right now; this, you holding me, is still the only way I know how to feel safe. I've tried. Several times actually; to walk away from you because it kills me to see you like this. But then I leave and my heart breaks and then every step closer to my house is a part of my heart breaking in half. Then I sit at home with pieces of my heart scattered all around and the only way I know how to mend them back together is to go back to you and let you hold me in your hard embrace again. So I'm lying in your arms right now and I'm selfishly letting you win. But you don't get it Santana. When you win, you lose._

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**Santana's POV**

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You're in my arms again. I can hear you worrying about me. I can hear it really loudly. It's getting louder every day. I remember the day you came to me and you told me you would drop it. You really did. You never say a word about it anymore. I still see the pain in your eyes and I feel the hurt in our touches but you never say a word. That doesn't mean you don't worry. Sometimes I think you live in a constant state of worry. But I'm fine, Brittany. Or at least that's what I keep telling you. I don't blame you for not believing me because it's been a while since I believed myself.

My body is changing. It's getting harder. That means I'm getting closer. I can see that I'm getting closer. But I don't know what I'm getting closer to. I don't know when it's supposed to end. I don't think I ever did and honestly… I don't think it ever will. At least I don't know how to make it stop. I hate myself so much for it. Every day when we wake up together your eyes sparkle and you look at me with anxious anticipation. You're so ready for me to tell you that today is the day. That it's finally over.

I never can. So I lean in and I kiss you. I remember when my kisses would make your whole demeanor light up, but that kiss always makes you darker. Like I drape a shadow over you and you lose hope. Somehow you manage to untangle yourself from the shadow during every night, but then every morning I drape it over you again. I'm so sorry, Brittany. I don't want you to have to live in my darkness. I wish I could, but I don't know how to let you go.

You're the only thing that reminds me what's real and what's only_ it_ playing tricks on me. We have moments. Beautiful moments when it doesn't feel like anything is wrong. It feels like everything is right. I'm right where I should be, doing what I should be doing, feeling what I should be feeling, with the only person I should be with. I think that can only happen when you're in love. I don't think anything else is strong enough to block _it_ out_. _

I haven't told you I love you. I think it. I think it all the time. I can literally spend minutes, hours, thinking only that and yet I haven't told you. I love you, Brittany. But I'm not me. I don't know where the actual me is hiding but she's not here and I want _her _to tell you. Then I'd know it's real. I'd know that it's not a lie and it's not pretend and it's not fake.

You haven't told me you love me either. It's okay if you don't. I don't expect anyone to love me, especially not someone as wonderful as you. I think… I think I hope you don't love me. When I see you hurt it kills me because I love you so much. If you loved me that would mean it killed you to see me hurt too and I hurt almost all the time. I don't want to kill you, Brittany.

But how could you love me when I only make your life darker? I sat down the other day and I made a list of things that the person you're with should be and have. I don't live up to a lot on that list. Almost nothing really. The things I can check off for myself I mostly added just so I'd have something to check off at all.

You just came home from nationals and gave Sue her seventh consecutive championship. I didn't get to come but that was okay. I didn't care. But then you came home and you told me you had won; I knew you would since you're on the team. You were excited and you kept telling me all kinds of stories about things that had happened and things you has seen and you were so happy. I think you had forgotten how it feels to live a real life. I'm sorry, Brittany. I'm sorry I can't give you a real life.

We live a broken life. I don't mind because I get to be with you and broken is all I deserve anyways but you could do better. I have tried to leave you but I never can. I wish you'll leave because I know it'll be better for you. Why aren't you leaving me, Brittany? What makes you stay with me? I want to ask you but that's just another thing added to my long list of can'ts.

This is our last week in school. Friday is graduation and then it's summer break and every day will feel like a weekend. I'm excited and I'm scared. It's gonna be so nice to not have any obligations and just be with you every minute of every day. But I'm afraid. Obligations forced me to keep going. All my _can'ts _were weighed up by all the _musts_ and they balanced each other out in a way that worked. I'm afraid that the can'ts will take over now. That _it_ will take over. What if it does? I couldn't fight it before.

The times I tried because I wanted to get you back were not the only times I've tried. I've tried again since then. I haven't told you about it because I don't want to have to tell you that I'm failing. I want to get… better. I want it for you and I want it for me. You have to believe that I really have no control.

I promised you I would stop running. I was relieved to get to make you a promise like that. _You _would be a powerful enough reason to live up to it. But then panic crept in, took over everything, and I started walking instead just so that I could still function. I keep doing this; not because I want to. Because I have to. How am I supposed to fight it if it becomes stronger? Brittany, I pretend I'm so strong and I know what I'm doing all the time but I don't. Not anymore.

Sometimes I cry for no reason. Or you think it's no reason and in a way it is. Nothing spurs it on; it just starts and I find you and bury my nose in your scent. You ask me so gently; _what's wrong? _I want to tell you everything and I want you to ask me to get better again. But I say nothing so you don't say anything either. You just press your lips to wherever they can reach and whisper sweet things.

You're so sweet Brittany. You're the sweetest thing in my life. You're the_ only_ sweet thing. Your kisses and your words and your smile. Everything you do feels like it's for me. Everything you do makes me want to give you just as much back and then a thousand times more.

Just yesterday when I woke up you weren't there. At first I thought you had left me but then I saw your clothes still on the floor. I got up to find you but suddenly you were in the door telling me to get back in bed. I didn't understand because we had school but I did what you told me. You were wearing one of my huge hoodies and your legs were naked and you were carrying a tray.

You put it in my lap and snuggled up next to me. You said you've always wanted to make someone breakfast in bed and you got this shy smile and fidgeted with the tray. It didn't have breakfast on it. I looked down at it and it had a vase with a long stemmed flower, there was a little stuffed animal holding a heart and a plate with a coupon for a kiss. I wanted to use it right away and you kissed me and prepared to rip it but then you gave it back to me and told me to keep it because it had endless kisses. Then you kissed me again and added that I should hold on to it because those kisses were only for me.

The day before that you had to go home for a while after school but you came over on your bike as soon as you could. Instead of going inside to me you told me to come out so I did. You had strapped a pillow to the back of your bike for me to sit on and you took me for a ride. We went to the fountain and we fished up little Wayne. He was scared at first but then he saw it was you and he wasn't scared anymore. Then he looked at me like he knew I feel the same way. When I see it's you I'm not scared anymore either.

We put him in a plastic bag with water that I got to hold and then you took us to the lake. You said we were setting him free. I said I thought he might die because he wasn't used to living in such a big place, with other fish and everything. You smiled and said that even if it was hard at first you knew he'd find a way because the lake could offer him a better life than the fountain. Then he looked at me again like he was telling me that you could help me out of the fountain and into the lake too. But I'm not as brave as him so I never even told you I want a better life in the lake.

Another day we were in the tree house, just cuddling, and you were murmuring how pretty you think I am. I fought you on it and you asked me if I honestly didn't think I was pretty. _No. I don't. _You made me point to all the things I thought were the ugliest, just like I had with the tree house, and you kissed me there and told me why you thought those parts were beautiful.

I don't know if you do it on purpose but you give me a wonderful new memory every day. I think back on most days as crappy, but then I remember something you did that day and it becomes a great. Every day with you is my favorite day.

I'll get many more favorite days because we're going to California together. My dad got me an apartment. He even came home to tell me in person and he looked proud of me when he handed over the keys. He has no reason to be proud of me but I basked in it anyways. He didn't hug me but he did put his large hand on my shoulder for a second.

I told him you were gonna live me and he asked me who you were and he wanted to meet you. I realized that until that moment he didn't even know your name. He didn't know you're my girlfriend. He had really only seen you briefly that one time. I called you right away and it only took you a couple of minutes to come over on your bike. I introduced you and he shook your hand and told you it was nice to meet you. You looked like you liked that moment and I know I loved it. Then he had to catch a plane in two hours so he left again.

We talked to your parents too. Your mom didn't say much about it. She even left the table and I saw in your eyes that it hurt you so I dropped my hand under the table and squeezed your hand. Your dad asked if you were sure you were ready to live on your own and you told him yes and that was all he needed to trust you. Then you went to find your mom and I was alone with your dad for a while. He asked me about_ that_ Sunday. You had come home crying and to this day you apparently refuse to talk about why. At first I thought he would, rightfully, blame me but he didn't. He only asked if I knew anything and I told him I didn't. I didn't want to lie to your dad, Brittany. I'm sorry. I just couldn't tell him. Lastly he told me to take care of you and I promised I would.

I'll try. Money wise I can take care of you. Even if that's maybe not what your dad meant at least I know we don't have to worry about money. The other ways I'm not so sure. I hurt you, every day, I hurt you. But I will do everything I can to hurt you a little less every day until I give you as much as you give me. And one day. One day I'll tell you. I'll tell you that I love you.

I'll give you an unbroken life where I'm not… sick. Where you don't have to be reminded that I am all the time like we have it now. I faint a lot. So much in fact that you're used to it. You know exactly what to do when it happens. Sometimes I faint during sex, sometimes I faint when I get up to brush my teeth, sometimes I'll faint during my walks, sometimes I even faint when we're just lying there. It's fine because I know you'll take care of me.

Sometimes I don't faint. Sometimes I cramp instead. My muscles hurt so badly and I don't know what to do. I just want to kill someone. Sometimes you tell me to scream or to hit you. I like to just clench my jaw and pretend it doesn't hurt but those times when you tell me to; I do scream. Or cry. But I never hit you. Other times you massage me where I say it hurts. It doesn't help the pain but it I can pretend it does. I can pretend it's helping. Mostly though, you just curl up to a little ball with your head on my chest and you let me hold you. It would make more sense that when I'm hurting you'd hold me but you know I like it better the other way around. You let me feel strong even when I'm at my weakest.

Lying here now I didn't mean to faint. I didn't see it coming. I knew it might because we had sex a little while ago and after being so worked up it can happen. But I had calmed down, my heart had and my breathing had. It felt like I was just falling asleep. Maybe that's why I didn't warn you. I felt like I was just falling asleep.

You nudge me and ask me if I'm sleeping. I don't feel your touch but I hear your voice. It's distant; it sounds like it's coming from really far way, like from across a continent, but I hear and I want to answer but I can't. That's when I know I've fainted. I try to move. I try to open my eyes. I try to say something. I want to come back from it but I can't.

You repeat my name. Faster. _Santana_. Louder. _Santana!_ All the times you've been there when I've fainted have been okay because I've always woken up again. I'm not waking up this time. I try and I try and I try but nothing happens. That's when I realize I'm not even in my body. I'm next to it, by the bed, watching. A bystander. Without control.

You sit up to be able to look at me more carefully. You hand comes up to cover your mouth. When I hear your voice cracking and a sob slip out; my heart breaks. Or rather it breaks again. Every time I hurt you I hurt myself ten times more. I don't care about me. It serves me right to feel that pain. I deserve it. You don't. You're so wonderful and I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want this,_ it,_ anymore. But I don't know how to change. It's too late to change back now.

Your usually so gentle touch doesn't look gentle at all anymore as you shake the body and scream at it to wake up. I try again, for you, but I'm still a bystander. Nothing happens. You look up and it's like you see me. I feel like you're looking me straight in the eye. The me standing here. Not the body lying next to you. A second, maybe two, of dead silence and then your sobs become more panicked.

I try to slap myself from here but even the outside me can't move. Everything is out of my control. Everything. I should cringe and panic. My heart should beat faster and my palms should start sweating, my eyes should flicker and my muscles should tense up uncomfortably. The thing is; you can't do any of that if you don't have a body to do it in.

You fumble around for a pulse and then you shoot up. I don't know what you're looking for but you're everywhere; turning the whole room upside down. I wonder if you're even aware that you're completely naked. It's beautiful. It's beautiful that something can be more important to you than hiding your body. I want that too.

You're not finding it. Whatever you're looking for doesn't seem to be there and you're growing more frantic. You've picked up your shorts and hoodie and gone through their pockets a thousand times. Finally you burst out of my room and I hear your running stomps in the hallway. I want to follow but I can't.

You come back soon though and fall to your knees by my bed, stroking dry hair out of the body's face. Kissing its forehead. Holding its hand. _I called an ambulance_. Your broken voice croaks it out. Your cheeks are glistening with tears and they don't stop streaming. I've never seen tears move so fast. _It's gonna be here soon. _You crawl up in the bed and back under the covers, lifting the body's arms so they wrap around you. You curl up to a little ball and you put your head on its chest. _Be strong for me, Santana. _


	21. Chapter 21

I am once again messing with my style continuity. Even more this time. I'm sorry. But you are supportive and amazing so I hope it's okay :) Also, this is so fucking long.

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**CHAPTER 20**

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**Brittany's POV**

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_I don't understand what happened. Things were fine. We were making love and you whispered in my ear not to make you finish because you were feeling lightheaded and you said things were spinning. You had on that apologetic look you'd been wearing more and more lately and I knew whenever you looked at me like that it was because what you were telling me hurt you inside. So I tried to make the pain go away by joking about how I'm just happy I can make your world turn. You giggled and I kissed your temple and we stopped. You scooted up a little in the bed like you do when you want to hold me and I cuddled up to you and put my hand on your heart to feel it closely. We were just lying there. _

_Then everything fell apart so quickly. One second you were there. I knew you were because I felt your stupid heart and it let me believe everything was fine. Then your body felt different all of a sudden, like you were sleeping; only it didn't feel like you fell asleep because you went limp so fast. I know what it feels like when you fall asleep and you always drift into it slowly. Your nose twitches and sometimes you kick me and then I know you've fallen asleep. That didn't happen. You just went completely limp out of nowhere. _

_You didn't wake up. I tried to wake you. I called your name and I shook you. I shook you so hard I thought you'd break and you still didn't wake up. Then I felt you. In the room. My dad have always told me ghosts aren't real but in that moment I was so scared that you were a ghost. I put my hand on your heart again and I didn't feel it. I put two fingers on your throat and slid them to your pulse point like Ms. Pillsbury taught us once. It was still there; your heartbeat was still there. _

_I needed to call someone. At first I wanted to call my dad. I wanted him to come and hug me and tell me everything was going to be alright. I wanted to cry into his neck and tell him how sorry I am that I didn't tell him about your illness sooner. He would have known what to do. He wouldn't have let me go on pretending like nothing was happening. He wouldn't have let me let you hurt yourself just so I wouldn't lose you. I wanted my daddy. _

_But I knew that wouldn't have helped you at all. And for once I needed to put you first. You needed me to put you first. I needed to call 911. I couldn't find my stupid phone. It wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere in your room. It wasn't in any of my pockets. Time was moving so slow and yet I was wasting all of it trying to find something that wasn't there. I remember being so hot and my brain was on overload but I finally realized you have phones in the house. I ran down your hallway to find it. It was the fastest I've ever run. It was even faster than that time coach Sylvester made a dog chase us across the field when she wanted us to improve our sprinting. _

_Your cordless phone was right where I needed to be. In its charger station by that little table at the top of the stairs. I've walked past it a million times and always wondered why you even have that phone because I've never seen anyone use it. Now I know why it was there and I'm so glad it was. I grabbed it and I dialed. I know how to call an ambulance. You're supposed to be calm and say your name and the address and the type of emergency. I didn't do that. All I could think about was that I wasn't with you and I needed to be to make sure you were still alive. I cried and screamed into the phone and when I finally realized they were sending an ambulance I didn't even hang up. I dropped it to the floor, and it broke, but I ran back to your room anyways. _

_I smashed down on my knees by your side. They kind of slid across your carpet and it hurt but all I wanted was to touch you. I needed to touch you; touching would make you realer and things less scary. I touched your hair and I kissed your forehead and I told you that an ambulance was coming. But being on the floor was being too far away. I was touching you and I never let go but it was too far away so I climbed back on the bed and wrapped your arms around me again. Then I waited. I waited to hear sirens come save you. Save me._

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**Santana's POV**

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I try again to wake up. You need me to wake up. I've never seen you so broken before. You're crying so much you've completely soaked the body's chest. It looks like someone poured a glass of water on it. And you're making weird wailing cries while also trying to shush yourself, while also trying to hum a tune. It breaks my heart. I know I've said that before but this time it's for real. I think I feel it shatter. Like someone dropped it from the top of the Empire State Building.

When everything, this whole mess is sorted out, I'd like to take you there, Brittany. To the top of the Empire State Building. I don't know when, and I have no fucking clue how, but one day I will take you there. With an undropped heart. I want to apologize for doing this to you and I want to tell you, _honestly,_ that everything is okay and that I'm right here. I always want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. And I'll tell you that and it'll be _me _saying it and we'll live happily ever after. Or maybe we won't, but at least we'll live happily ever together.

I can't do that if I don't have a life to live. If I don't have a body to live in. I'll get my body back. I'll get it for you and for me and for us. I'll fight for real this time. I'll try harder. Suddenly it seems like it's so easy and I don't understand why I didn't before but then I hear the sirens approaching, I hear you sniffling at hearing them too and you look at the body's face. You trace your fingers over sunken cheeks, over dry lips, over closed eyelids. I think… I think I see what you see. I think I finally see it. The fact that I didn't see it before makes me realize it's not that easy. And it won't be that easy. For a second I want to just give up again. If we weren't made to give up then why was it made to be so much easier?

You fling the covers off me and I realize _my_ body is completely naked too. It's not even a body. It's a skeleton. With skin on it. I want to reach out and touch but bystander me still can't move. I watch you get up and grab some clothes. You pull sweat pants up my legs and you try to be gentle as you attempt to dress me in a huge hoodie. You've just gotten it over my head when someone barges in downstairs. You rush to the hallway and cry out that _here we are._ Two set of feet sound almost like a horse running when they hurry up the stairs.

A man and a woman come in dressed like… ambulance people, I guess. At first they don't seem to know why they're here and like it's a prank and I don't think you still being butt naked helps. I also don't like the way man-ambulance-person is looking at you and if I could I'd give him a verbal and physical smack down: Lima Heights style but… I can't.

Then you point to me and start ranting about how I fainted and I'm not waking up and my pulse is there but it's really weak and how you can't lose me and they have to save me and how it's all your fault. Their faces change immediately and it looks kind of like someone just flicked on their serious high alert mode. The woman takes you aside to calm you and urge you to put clothes back on. The man sits down on the bed side and does a bunch of checks on me. I'm not paying as much attention to that as I am to you.

You put your shorts on and that's easy but then you try to put your shirt on and you can't get your arm through the sleeve. The harder you try; the more impossible it becomes and you get frustrated and start crying again and you just can't get it trough. You sit down on the floor and take a deep breath. It reminds me of all the times I've seen you, sitting on your butt just like that, by your locker; trying to find your way in a mess around you. You sigh and then your arm just slides through easily. You hang your head and you let it rest in your hands. You look like you're feeling so guilty.

It's not your fault, Brittany. I don't ever want you blaming yourself for anything. You only did exactly what I asked you to do and if you hadn't… you wouldn't have been here now. Nothing would have been different other than you. I would have still continued because_ it_ tells me to. I would have still fainted without waking up. But no one would have been there. Without you there; my heart wouldn't have dropped from the Empire State Building and I wouldn't have found a reason to fight.

They lift me off the bed and onto a gurney. I think you're on high alert too because the second they do; your head shoots back up. You stand and you follow closely. So closely in fact that you bump into the man three times while they're carrying me downstairs. I was afraid all of you were gonna leave me here but I get to follow. I guess where my body goes; I go. They load the gurney into the ambulance and you want to come but the woman holds you away by your shoulders. Your eyes go wild with confusion and worry and anger, and you try to shoot past her but she grabs your waist and pulls you back again. She tells you, her voice filled with disgusting calm and reason, that you can't ride in the ambulance but they really have to leave now and if you want to help me you shouldn't make a fuss.

You mutter something about not making a fuss for too long but then you get in my car to drive to the hospital instead. I want to tell you that you don't have a license and from the times I've let you drive my car before I've learned that you're kind of a terrible driver but then the ambulance is slammed shut and I'm trapped in there as it drives off. Without you.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

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_If my mom had seen me waiting for that ambulance she would have probably told me to stop crying. She would have told me to get up, stand straight and then she would have said that if a lady ever cries in the presence of others it's silent tears only. I think it was impossible for me to cry silently then. Too many fears were fighting for attention in my head. They all won so it was super loud and chaos in my mind. _

_I tried to sing the song my dad always sings. I've heard it a million times but I couldn't even think of the words and the melody came out wrong too. I still think it helped a little. Then when I heard sirens instead it didn't take me long to shut up. I looked at you to memorize your face again. I already knew it but I figured the more times I memorize it; the more places it'll be saved in and it can't be erased from my memory. Ever. Even if… if you… _

_Then I realized you weren't wearing clothes. You're still not completely comfortable with me seeing you naked even though I have so many times now. When we have sex you want it to be dark, you prefer to be under covers (if we're in a bed… or the couch or the floor or the grass… anywhere horizontal) and you're never on top or on your side. You're always on your back or we're both standing or you're standing and I'm sitting on your desk or windowsill. You're almost always sucking your stomach in. It's really only when you pop that you don't. Then you go right back to sucking it in when you've come down from it. _

_You won't let me go down on you either. You let me kiss you down there sometimes but only if I don't do it too low and you say it's not the same because your legs are closed. I really want to. I haven't done that before so I don't know if I'd be good at it but you do it to me sometimes and that feels really, really good. Whenever I try though you tell me you're not ready and I say okay and then I don't try again for a while. _

_You like mornings when we wake up and all I put on are panties. Some days we hang out like that for a really long time just because I know you like it. If your parents aren't home I'll even go downstairs like that. I like it too because I like the way your eyes linger on my boobs and it's summer so in my opinion it's too hot for clothes anyways, but walking around in no clothes also reminds me that you wouldn't ever do that. Not even in front of me. _

_You wouldn't have liked strangers to come in and see you like that so I tried to hurry up and put some clothes on you. The pants were easy; they just went up your legs and they were so big and you're so small that I could have probably fitted four of you in them. The shirt was harder but at least I got it on enough for you to be covered when the people came in. They didn't do anything at first so I started explaining what happened but then they wouldn't even let me finish before he rushed to your side and the woman rushed to me. She told me to put clothes on and I hadn't even realized I wasn't wearing any. I did that, but I was so wound up it took much longer than it needed and right when I was done they were already taking you away. _

_Then the stupid butt face woman told me I couldn't come in the ambulance. I wanted to hit her. I never usually want to hit anyone. I don't like violence. Sometimes all you need to do is look at someone to want to beat the crap out of them and I always tell you, you don't even know if they're a bad person. I didn't know if this woman, or ugly butt face lady as I like to call her, was a good or a bad person but I still wanted to slap her. It would take me forever to get to the hospital on my bike even if it was lying right there on your lawn. _

_Then I felt your car keys still in my pocket. I had them because I wanted to get ice cream earlier and you had just gotten out of the shower and you said okay and told me to grab them. I put them in my pocket while I waited for you to get ready but then you were only gonna kiss me real quick before we left and then I was only gonna kiss you back a little more and then things happened and my shorts ended up on the floor and we ended up naked in bed. _

_I realized that maybe if I just hadn't kissed you back that little bit more none of this would have happened. That's all I could think about when I drove your car to the hospital, trying to keep up with a speeding ambulance while not really being completely sure how a car works. I tried not to crash into anything because I wanted to be at the hospital so I could be there when you woke up. I didn't want you to be alone when you woke up. You had to wake up._

* * *

**Santana's POV **

* * *

It got dark. I remember being in the ambulance and wanting those damn sirens to give me a headache when I couldn't even feel my head. Then everything is blank until now. It's like someone switched me off and back on again. I don't know where I am.

For two full seconds I'm completely sure I'm dead but then I can feel things again. I feel my heart beating in my chest and I feel a few hairs across my face tickling my lips. I'm back in my body which means trying should make a difference. I try really, really hard and my eyes open slowly. They flicker around and I'm in a bed. A hospital bed.

My first reaction is sheer horror. I can't be in a hospital. I don't know how I could have expected an ambulance to take me anywhere else but I would have honestly preferred it driving me off a cliff than to a hospital. Goosebumps and sweat break out at the same time and I want to gulp down a deep breath my throat is completely locked. People will know. If I'm here then that means people will want to know why and doctors will know why and they'll tell. When they've told; people will force me to eat and I'll never be perfect.

I hate people. They're stupid and gross and disgusting and evil and ugly and I hate them. And I hate the world for being so dumb and sickening and revolting and vicious and fucking diabolic. Most of all I hate myself. I hate myself more than anything. I failed. _It_ knew I would and I proved to be just as useless at _it_ told me I am. I look down to my arm and I still have scars from the cuts I've made there. There's a couple of them, but not enough. I deserve more. I need to punish my sorry ass until I've found a way to unfail.

They take pretty long to heal and one time it got infected. I liked that time. It was like extra punishment and because I couldn't go to the hospital with it I wasn't sure how to fix it. It did heal eventually though but until it did; it hurt constantly. A pulsating pain so present I couldn't even fall asleep at night. Maybe I can make it happen like that again? If I cut deep and make sure to get dirt in it I can make my next cut infected too.

Then I hear a voice. Not so much a voice as a screech demanding to be let in. A dull thud hits the door but no one comes through it. I hear sniffling but then everything fades again. The voice was your voice. I'd know it anywhere, from any distance, saying any words, in any tone. I suddenly remember all my thoughts from back at the house. From seeing you so broken. I remember your eyes and your tears and your desperate cries for help and your agonizing wails. I remember that I wanted my body back. I remember that I wanted to fight. The same motivation fills my chest again in such an overwhelming manner I think it's gonna burst out. I'd much rather fail _it_ than fail you again, Brittany. The deep breath I wanted to take before fills my lungs. But something's different.

My arm is super heavy as I lift it to feel my nose. There's a tube coming out of it. It's taped to my cheek and leads to behind my ear. I know what that is. I know what they're gonna do with it, or what they've already done and will do again. They're gonna pump me full of calories. No. No! They're going to ruin everything I worked so hard for. They're gonna make me fat… I need to pull it out. I need to pull it out now and every time they put it back in I need to pull it out again.

I claw at my cheek to get a grip around it but it's taped all the way and I can't get my fingers to grab it. I follow it to behind my ear and I can pick it up there. I give it a pull so it'll come off but it only hurts my cheek and I'm too weak to even make it loosen a little. I prepare to rip with all the strength I have but hesitate. It's not me. I don't want to pull it out_. It_ wants me to pull it out.

There's a long battle of me just holding it. Every second of not pulling at it feels like a victory and a failure at the same time. I can't figure out which part to listen to. My hand finally falls and it's only because I pictured your face. You make me strong enough to fight it. Picturing your beautiful smile, knowing you're not smiling right now, and promising myself to be the person to give you your next smile. All that makes my hand fall. I grip the sheet just to keep it down but then everything is too much. My eyes fall shut again. My mind won't stay alert and the last thing I can muster is to again and again wish you were here.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_It took me much longer than it needed to but I finally got to the hospital and I finally found a parking space and I finally found the emergency room. I asked every doctor and nurse I saw if they knew where I could find you. They just apologized and shrugged and kept moving. Then I saw one of those information desks with computers and nurses behind it and I ran for it so fast my body slammed into it before I had a chance to slow down. I startled the nurse but she told me where you were anyways and I headed towards the room they had put you in. _

_But suddenly the nurse was in front of me instead and she was stopping me. She told me only immediate family was allowed to go in there. I tried to tell her I was your sister but she didn't believe me, especially not when I accidentally told her that my name is Pierce and she already knew yours was Lopez. I tried to lie as well as you do and I told her we just have different dads but she wouldn't budge. She told me to sit down and wait, or go home and rest and come back later. She even made sure a nurse was always around to stop me every time I tried to get into your room. _

_I tried sneaking but they noticed. I tried sprinting and just busting through but they caught me. I tried screaming and yelling at them to let me in but they just shushed me. I came so close I bumped into your door once. But a nurse grabbed my waist and held me back. He told me that if I didn't calm down they'd send for a security guard to take me away. I couldn't let that happen. If I couldn't be in the room with you I had to at least be in the waiting room, so I sat down on a couch-bench-thingy. I frowned at every magazine on the table and settled for staring at your door. _

_All I could think about was you being in there alone and waking up and not seeing anyone. It made me cry again and some of the people who walked past me asked if I was okay. I told them I was and they left me alone. One lady, who I recognized from dad's work, recognized me back and she called my dad. She told me he was coming and then she sat down with me and pulled me into her arms and waited with me. I got tears, and probably snot too, all over her silky blouse but she was really warm and she smelled like nice ladies smell so I didn't care. _

_My dad came and he scooped me up from the lady and carried me to sit on his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I told him I was so, so sorry and I promised I wouldn't do that again and from now on I would always tell him things and I was so, so, so sorry. He listened to it. He listened to all my confusing words before he finally asked what I was apologizing for and what it was I hadn't told him. At first I almost didn't tell him anything again because I still didn't know if you would have let me but then it poured out of me anyways. _

_It was so fast and I think I was trying to speak even faster because I was afraid if my dad interrupted before I had gotten it all out there, I never would. He didn't say anything until I was finished. I was so relieved to tell someone but at the same time I hated every second of it. Telling someone I knew about it and just let it happen was the first time in all my life, despite what everyone else has always told me, that I actually felt stupid. My dad nodded and he looked serious, but still like my dad, and then he kissed my forehead and said that everything would be okay. _

_I wanted to believe him but I didn't know if it was true. I still hadn't been in your room and I still didn't know what the doctors had done to you and I didn't know if you were awake or not. I just knew you were alone and I didn't want you to be. Then I heard hysterical crying coming closer and heels clicking and all of a sudden your mom was there. She was calling out for you and was just about to stumble into your room when a doctor caught her. _

_I pretended I wanted a soda and stood by the vending machine right next to where they were talking. Your mom was so wound up she didn't even see it was me. The doctor was being very gentle and explained everything to her slowly. Her crying faded and she listened. Then he started asking about why she didn't bring you in before it had to come to this, and he was making her feel like a bad mom. Her face pursed together and it looked like guilt washed over her and when he was done and had walked away; she took a flask out of her purse and drank from it before she stepped inside to you. _

_I was a little jealous of your mom. Not only did she get to be in your room but when the doctor explained things to her it looked like it was news to her. He tried to make it sound like she was stupid for not noticing and then he downright implied that she knew all along and was just in denial and said it's common for parents do that because they don't want to see things like that happen to their own kids, but I believed her eyes when they looked like she was just putting the pieces together right then. _

_I don't know but maybe she wasn't completely clueless. All I know is that you lie to her about dinner and food all the time. I've lied to her too. Some nights when she wanted us to eat with her your eyes would go wide and I knew you were panicking and I would tell her that we'd love to but I already had reservations for us at Breadstix. We'd leave all dressed up but we never actually went. We'd do something else for a couple of hours and we would come back and you had stories. I don't know how you did it but you always had stories. One time I tried to tell a story and I ended up saying there was a mouse in my food. It was the worst story ever and you got mad at me for messing up lies in front of your mom. _

_You on the other hand never messed them up. You'd tell her about how something tasted differently and you'd be specific and explain with flavors and ingredients in a way so that no one could ever guess you hadn't eaten. Sometimes I'd get so lost in your stories I had to remind myself that you hadn't. Or you'd tell stories about a made-up useless waiter, a rude hostess, some idiot in traffic on the way there or an arguing couple at the table next to ours. How was she supposed to realize we were never even there? _

_Maybe she was supposed to see it from looking at you but I don't blame her for not doing that either. You're an expert on covering your body in just the right ways. When you know your mom is home you put more effort into it. You put more make-up on, and you dress in clothes that not only make you look bigger but also that you know she would like to see on you. You never let her touch you in places that could reveal anything and you always put focus on her in a way that makes her love the attention she's getting. And then there's always the fact that… she didn't see you that much in the first place. She's not home a lot and when she is you're at my house or we're in your room. _

_No. I don't think your mom knew. That's why I'm the most jealous of her. If someone made her feel guilty when she didn't even know; then how guilty shouldn't I be who knew and didn't do anything? I'm so sorry, Santana. Please forgive me and I'll do anything and everything. I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you never get hurt again. I'll make sure you're safe and I won't let anything or anyone harm you again. I won't let you harm you again. I wanted to go inside and tell you that but I still wasn't allowed. I sat back down with my dad and he bought me a sandwich. I wasn't hungry but I ate it anyway. _

_It took a couple more hours and I was almost falling asleep in my dad's lap when I heard shoes against the floor. There had been shoes walking back and forth the whole time but I heard that these shoes were different. I lifted myself to sit up straight and I rubbed my eyes and there he was. You dad was there. He peeked inside your room but before he could go in; your mom came out and she threw herself around his neck and she cried again, almost as hysterically as before. He shushed her calmingly and hugged the back of her head with his huge hand disappearing in her dark hair. She told him everything and when a doctor tried to cut between to explain with his fancy words your dad put his hand up to silence him and let his wife finish first. I realized that I had never seen your parents together before. I had met your dad twice and your mom quite a few times but never together. _

_Then your dad turned to the doctor and let him talk for a while. I don't think he was even close to finish when your dad had heard enough and wanted to see you instead. He had a deep, serious wrinkle between his brows when he took your mom's hand and went inside with her._

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It's not like sleeping. I still feel like I'm there, but it's not being a bystander like before either. I'm still in me and if I tried I could probably open my eyes again when I hear my mother come in but I'm too exhausted to try. She squeals in despair and then she starts whispering in Spanish. Some which I can make out and other stuff that doesn't even sound like words. She bends down and peppers my face with kisses. Her breath smells like booze, and like gum from trying not to smell like booze.

She asks me if I can hear her and I can but I don't tell her that. I think she didn't mean for me reply anyways because she doesn't wait for one before she starts pouring her guts out about how she's a terrible mother and she's so sorry. I hear her wet sniffles and tears drop off her face and lands on the skin on my arm. She goes to wipe it and then her thumb strokes over the cuts. She found them. She's seen them. I know she has because she starts chanting _oh no mija, no, no, I'm so sorry, mija, no. _

I want to sit up and tell her it's not her fault. I want to stroke her cheek and comfort her. I want to tell her things are going to change. That it'll take time but at least I know I'm wrong now. And I think it's actually me who wants to tell her that because it's true. It's not_ it_ trying to manipulate its way out of everything again. I can't be sure but I think so.

She hugs my cheek and her palm is a little wet. I don't know if it's from wiping her tears with it or if it's sweat but I don't care because it feels good to have it there. I feel like my lips curl up but maybe that's just because my inside is smiling. She traces the tube taped to my other cheek and she murmurs. _Look at that honey, they're gonna fix you, it's gonna be okay._ I realize then she doesn't understand and I almost wish I had ripped it out because maybe then she would understand more but I remind myself; the important thing is that _I_ finally understand.

She stays with me. I don't know how long but she doesn't leave. Neither does her hands. They move around on me but they never let go. Until the door creaks open and she breathes my father's name before she shoots up and leaves. When it's just me in here it feels like time stands still.

She comes back but it's not just her heels that come in. A second pair of shoes and I can feel it in the air that my dad is there too. He doesn't say anything to the point where he makes me believe I was wrong but then two big hands scoop up mine and warms it. He mumbles things in Spanish too. Mostly just _lo __siento_ over and over again. I don't understand why everyone is so sorry. I should be the one who's sorry. If it weren't for me no one would be in the hospital and no one would be crying and no one would be broken.

My mom starts pulling on my covers. I don't know why at first but then she wants to lift my hospital gown too and I realize she's going to look at my body. Or show it to my dad. I want to scream at her to stop. My dad was just holding my hand and it felt so good and now he's going to see my body and he doesn't like things that are ugly! He's not going to like me anymore! Mom, please stop!

It's like he hears me because he pries her away from me and grunts that now is not the time. He presses his lips against my forehead while also draping the blanket back over me and pulling it up to my chest. Then his hands slither under it to put my arms back over it and he sees it too. One arm he just puts back the way it was but while moving the other he freezes and his hold on it tightens and I know he's seen the cuts too. _Dios mio._ He puts down my arm gently and his butt thumps against the chair as he drops back in it. He leans forward and I'm sure leaning against me was just supposed to make him feel better but when his forehead rests on my hipbone he freaks out more. _Dear God, Elena. How did we not see this?_

My mom starts crying again when he says that and almost simultaneously they both latch on to one of my hands each. _We have to help her._ My dad says sternly. _She's still our baby girl._ He whispers and now even he sounds on the verge of crying. I've never seen or heard my dad cry before. _It's gonna be okay. She's safe now that she's here and when we get to take her back home we'll just make her eat. _My mom still doesn't understand. If she understood she wouldn't say things like that. _I don't think it's going to be that easy._ Relief washes over me when I hear my dad respond with that but my mom's nails digging into my wrist tells me she doesn't feel quite the same. They both let go of me and then their voices are further away and shushed when my mother finally decides answer. They argue. But it's whispers and hisses and they're mixing Spanish with English and I don't hear most of it. I think they argue about you too, but I'm not sure. They both become angrier and as they do their voices get louder again.

_If we just watch her and force her-_

_Force her how? Santana is a smart gi-_

_I know she's smart! Are you trying to imply I don't my own daughter?_

_I'm just saying that-_

_She's my daughter! I'm her mother! I know her better than- _

_For crying out loud, Elena! If either of us really knew her we wouldn't even be here right now, would we?_

My dad roars and it's probably the first time I've heard him raise his voice like that too. Then it gets really quiet. My mom is quick to sink back by my side and hold my hand again but my dad doesn't. Instead the door is shoved open with a loud thud and he leaves. I wonder where he's going and I hate him a little bit for leaving me. But I also love him a whole lot for coming in the first place. I need him. I need him almost as much as I need you, Brittany, and I need you more than I've ever needed anyone.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_Suddenly your door flung open and your dad stormed out and down the hall. I wanted to know what happened but I knew I still wasn't allowed to see you so I had to hold it in. I hate holding things in. I never want to hold things in ever again. It was getting light outside again and pretty soon your dad returned with hot coffee. Two cups. I knew it was hot because it had steam coming from it. I thought he was going back in to see you and your mom but instead he turned towards me and came closer. I didn't even know he had seen me. _

_He greeted me and introduced himself to my dad and offered his second cup to him. Then he turned to me and asked me if I wanted to see you. The only thing I did was start crying but thankfully he took that as a yes and he helped me to my feet and put his hand on my shoulder as we approached your door. _

_He called your mother out of the room and when she appeared with a confused wrinkle between her brows he nodded for me to go inside. I took a step. I heard them start to argue about letting me go in and I pretended that's why my hand was so shaky when I lifted it to open the door just so I wouldn't have to admit how scared I was. _

_I thought you were unconscious when I first saw you. You looked just like you were sleeping. I wanted to let you but just standing in the door was too hard. You had tubes coming out of you and you were so small it almost looked like no one was lying in the bed. If it hadn't been for your dark hair sprawled across the pillow and your arms over the covers maybe I wouldn't even have noticed you. _

_I took a few more steps and looked around sheepishly. I knew what I wanted to do. It probably wasn't allowed but I did it anyways. I curled up under the covers with you and I put my head on your chest. That's when I realized you weren't unconscious. Before I knew it you had your arm around me and you were holding me in your hard frame. I wondered if you knew I was there all along. I wanted you to know that I had been there with you the whole time even if I hadn't been let in to see you until then. _

_Your fingers closed around my shirt and you clung to me like you were afraid I'd leave. It felt safe but at the same time I knew you were wasting energy you didn't even have and there was nothing safe about that. And I wasn't going anywhere. I'm not ever going anywhere unless you're going there too. _

"_I hate you." I murmured so quietly the only reason I knew I said it was because my lips moved. _

"_I hate me too." You replied. Your voice was so strong. I expected it to be frail and small and broken like mine but it was so strong and it killed me because I didn't mean it. There is no way, no matter how hard I tried, that I could ever hate you. But you meant it. From the bottom of your heart; you meant it. _

"_You're leaving me." I whispered and my hand ran over your stomach to feel some flesh. To feel something that could reassure me that I just told a lie. That you weren't not leaving. Flesh would mean that you would stay but you didn't have any. All I felt were your ribs and your hipbones and the sunken rug of skin veiling them. _

"_It's alright, Britt. I'm right here." You answered and as much as I knew you wanted to mean that too; it wasn't true. I lifted my head and I looked at you._

"_No you're not. You're up there." I argued and pointed to the ceiling. "You're already halfway to heaven." It was a whimper and I didn't even know if you heard me. I was so scared, Santana. I got even more scared when you didn't answer for a while but I hoped you were just falling asleep because I could still hear your soft breaths. Even they sounded like they were wearing you out. Then your eyes opened and you whispered my name and I realized you had just taken a moment to gather strength. _

_"I think I have... I have..." You stopped and I knew then what you were going to say. I waited patiently, afraid to even move and somehow distract you, but you didn't finish. _

_"You can say it." I encouraged finally. I wanted you to know I'd still be there. It didn't matter what you had or said or did or were; I'd still be with you. You shook your head with a tiny wrinkle between your brows. _

_"I don't want to." You protested. "It makes it real." _

_Your eyes got glassier and even if there were no tears on your face I still wiped under your eyes with my thumbs. Just in case you were crying, only that your body was too tired to actually do it. _

_"Yeah." I agreed quietly. I knew how you meant. When I was seven I broke a plate from my parents' wedding china. Mom always used to tell me how they were the fancy plates and I wasn't supposed to use them but they were so pretty and I really wanted to so one day when she wasn't there I took one anyways. I dropped it before I had even gotten it off the shelf and it broke in a million pieces. _

_I didn't know what to do; all I knew was that mom would be mad, so I hid the shattered porcelain and I didn't tell and I pretended it never happened. It worked for a while. For a while it was like it never happened but then one day grandpa was coming over for dinner and mom was setting the table and she noticed a plate was missing. She blamed me and I confessed and she yelled at me. It's not the same but I still think I get it. Pretending something isn't real is easier for a while… but then it always catches up with you. _

_"Maybe that's a good thing? Maybe that... Takes away its power?" I spoke softly. I didn't know if you wanted it to lose power but I remember last year when mom was super excited for me to go to junior prom. She had bought me a dress and she kept talking about it and asking about it and I didn't know how to tell her that no one wanted to go with me. At first it was really hard because I kept thinking that if I didn't say it then it wasn't true. But it was true and prom was coming closer and mom wanted to rent a limousine for me and a date I didn't have so I had to tell her. I walked around a whole day and said it out loud to myself; then when I came home to mom I had said it so many times it just felt like words and it wasn't so hard. _

_That's also not the same. I remember wishing that something was the same so I could say that I totally understood and knew how you felt one hundred percent. I couldn't, but I was going to say that I'd try and I'd never stop trying until I got so close that it was almost like the same. I opened my mouth but then you closed your eyes and hugged my shirt a little tighter. _

_"Eating disorder." You whispered so quietly I really only heard t-ng ds-dr but I saw your lips move to form the rest and it was enough. I didn't need to hear you scream it from the top of your lungs. _

_I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for letting you hurt yourself for so long but in that moment I was so proud of you. When no one else was strong enough, or smart enough, or brave enough to help you; you were all those things for yourself and I was so proud of you. You're strong, Santana. In that moment you were the strongest you had ever been. _

_Your lips closed again and I noticed how pouty and full they still were. Everything else on your body had been deprived of its fullness but not your lips. I wanted to kiss them but I wasn't sure I deserved to so I looked at your eyes instead. They were still closed but yet I stared at them. I don't know if I was wishing that you'd open them and wake us both from a terrible nightmare or if I was just trying to see what you were dreaming about. You looked peaceful. Dauntingly so, but you were beautiful. _

"_I love you." I said and kissed your temple softly. I'd gotten so used to kissing you softly that it felt firm even though my lips barely touched you. Your skin was cold and I was so scared it was the last time I'd ever kiss you. It took a long time, several minutes even, until you stirred again. _

"_What did you say?" Your raspy voice murmured and you struggled to open your heavy lids again. I knew what you meant because since I said it all I could think about was what if I told you too late? _

"_I love you, Santana." I said again and tried to look you in the eyes this time but they were only open a tiny slice. You smiled. It wasn't a real smile, it was a tiny one, a tired one. Your eyes shut slowly again, your body relaxed and your head rolled to the side and into me and I swear to God – I thought you died. I thought you died right there with me in your arms. _

_I shut my eyes harder than ever before and I pursed my lips harder than ever before. I needed to gulp and take a breath but I couldn't do both at the same time and I didn't know which to do first so I just didn't breathe with a huge lump growing in my throat. Then I felt your finger move. It slid under my shirt and you pressed down lightly on the flesh on my hip. I think it was too heavy for you to hold down so you let it bounce up again and you stroke it lazily back and forth. _

"_You're soft." You whispered against my skin. "I wanna be soft like you."_

* * *

**END **

* * *

You might be thinking... _that's it? That's all we're getting? It's over?_ And the answer to that is of course: **NO**, definitely not. But personally, and I'm not saying that this is the way it is, but for me realizing you have a problem is one story, and fighting to overcome it is another. That's why this will be divided into two stories, thus giving _Soft Like You_ a sequel.

It won't take that long until the first chapter of that comes up _(maybe a week or two)_ but first this story will get its EPILOUGUE_ (logic since it had a prolougue)_ which will be set AFTER the sequel to offer this story more closure as a single unit. If you wish you can wait until after the sequel to read it but you do however you want. Also, I'm sorry if I'm confusing you with all this but all you really need to know is just keep your eye out for part two_ (which isn't the name of the story btw) _

Lastly I have to say again how much I love all you readers out there. I am speechless. Your feedback means the world to me. There are LITERALLY. no words to express how much it means to me. I have LITERALLY. never appreciated anything more in my entire life. **Thank you!**


	22. Chapter 22

So, epilogue... to read or not to read? That is the question :P

I don't have a name for the sequel just yet. I have a bunch of options but I have some serious down-narrowing (it's a word) to do. I'll announce it on my tumblr when I've decided.

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

* * *

_One year later_

* * *

I wanted to surprise you. But it's hard to fly someone to New York, drag them through a city, into a building and up a long ass elevator ride and not have them notice so I had been forced to tell. From the second I did; you've been super excited and we're finally here. I hold up the door for you and you lift your sundress a little as you half curtsy and half bow in thanks. It's so stupid and I should feel so silly, and I kind of do, but it's okay. We're here.

"Geez, look at the line!" I exclaim when I see what looks like at least a hundred people waiting to do exactly what we're doing.

"Aren't there stairs we could take instead?" I whine and look around for them instead of meeting your eyes because I know how they will look.

"The stairs? To the top of the Empire State Building? Do you know how many stories that is?" You wrap your arms around me from behind and put your head on my shoulder. You like to always in some way hug me when you're protesting me. It makes you feel less harsh and you're so bad at feeling harsh,. Even if you have gotten a lot better at it.

"No...?" I pout and put my hands over yours to tell you that I like you hugging me right now and you're not being scary harsh like you have to be with me sometimes. You snuggle up in the crook of my neck.

"Me neither, but I bet there are a lot." You mumble against my skin and giggle at the vibration tickling your lips. Then you have to press a couple of kisses there just to make the lingering tickles stop.

"I just think, you know... Some exercise might be good." I try to say casually and I might have half tried to make them stop; but my eyes are still looking for the door to those stairs. I don't even know if there are stairs and even if there are; I don't think you're allowed to take them.

"Good as in exercise-away-the-salad-you-had-earlier-good?" Sometimes I hate that I've talked to you so much about it because... You always knew _me_ well but now you know _it _well too and you're so good at telling what's me and what's _it_ and when you have to put your foot down.

"Maybe..." I murmur quietly. I could lie. Most of the time I still feel tempted to, but you'd know anyways and you'd call me out on it so it feels better to just be honest from the start. It's harder, but in the end I think that's what makes it feel better.

You exhale slowly right there in the crook of my neck and your arms wrap around me tighter; your hands hug me with adoration and even your fingertips show me how much you love those lbs I've gained since last summer. If I'm being completely honest I still hate them but I think, maybe, I hate them a little less every day.

"You didn't even eat the cheese." You say calmly. You have different ways of helping me depending on the situation. Sometimes, like now, you go for logic and reason. Or other times you'll plead to emotions which can be either telling me how much you love me, how beautiful I am and how proud you are of me or it can be crying or anger or desperation. In my head_ it_ has made them up to be techniques you use to trick me but_ I_ know it's just you and your big heart.

"You're right." I sigh and nod. I want to tell you that; while I didn't have the cheese; I did eat the croûtons and they're starting to feel heavy in my stomach and at lest running up a million stairs is better than throwing up but I remind myself why we're here. Why I thought I was ready to finally take you here.

The line does move faster than I thought it would and when it's finally our turn to go on the elevator you squeal and squeeze my hand super tight. A man tells you to relax and then he starts talking about the safety measures of an elevator. He probably mistook your excitement for fear and I have to smile at knowing you better than that.

Elevators don't scare you. Neither do escalators, roller-coasters, shopping cart racing, go cart, motorcycles or horseback riding. But you don't like needles, knives, swords, "those guns that shoot arrows to kill fish", and you say you like snakes and vampires - you just don't like their sharp teeth.

You listen to the man anyways and nod like you're interested in everything he's saying. Every now and then you breathe _"cool"_ in actual awe of how much weight the average elevator can carry or how many rides this particular one has taken up and down. I don't really care about that stuff. But I do love watching your face while you listen to it.

How your eyebrows go up and your mouth falls open or shapes a perfect o. How your cheeks get a little rounder when you smile and your shoulder shake when you giggle at a lame word pun he makes. I think you're so beautiful, Brittany. You can go through hell and still find the little things in life exciting. You can live in darkness for such a long time and still find the light like it's the back of your hand and you knew it was there all along. I hold on to you tighter and you notice and turn your head to me. I don't mean to interrupt your conversation with the man but I can't help it when our eyes meet.

"You're pretty amazing, Brittany." I coo and you blush a little as you tilt your head down and mumble that I'm not so bad either. The man's voice fades when he sees you've stopped paying attention to him, but instead of being annoyed with you; a little smiles pulls under his mustache and he turns to his wife and takes her hand like we just reminded him how wonderful love can be.

The elevator doors open and we think we're there but it turns out there's more standing in line and a second elevator before you get to the fun part. Maybe I should have read up on all of this before I decided to take you here but it's okay. If you're going somewhere that matters; the way there is always a little longer than you expected anyways.

You're getting restless and you roll impatiently on your feet from your heels to your tippy toes to your heels again. You lose balance and almost fall but I put my hand on your back and I'm strong enough to keep to upright. You turn to me and lean in for a kiss but we get called forward because it's our turn. You give me a look that says _saved-by-the-chunky-prison-guard-like-elevator-man-but-you're-not-escaping-my-kisses-that-easily_ and I giggle because I wouldn't dare try to escape your sweet lady kisses.

This elevator ride is shorter and when we're there you bounce up and down until the doors open and you dart out; not quite sure of where to go but trying no to let me see that. I don't know either but I hook my arm through yours and follow the stream of people all going the same way. Suddenly we're out there and so is the sun. There was a big cloud over it when we entered the building downstairs but that cloud is nowhere to be seen now. You get even more excited and I have to admit I get exited too.

There are a million tall buildings everywhere, there's the Chrysler Building, and Central Park and the water and the Statue of Liberty and yellow cabs everywhere on the streets below. You point to more things and name them. Something about Will Shuester's bridge, Burt park and the Sean Penn Plaza but I don't think I'm listening that closely.

I'd never admit it out loud but the view is incredible. I'm in this huge city with thousands of new things to explore. I'm here with you and I know we're going to see them. When we're done up here; we're going down there and we're going to see every little thing. That's amazing. Not just because I'm actually alive and I actually can see them, but because I _want_ to see them. I care. I care about something other than_ it_.

I take a few steps back and my spot is instantly filled by other crowding tourists.

"Britt…" I murmur, not nearly loud enough for you to hear it over everything else, but yet you do and turn around quickly. You look at me for a micro-second but you don't need to look longer to know what I want and you walk over to me; losing your awesome view spot in the process.

I lift my hand to tuck your hair behind your ear. I don't know why, it's not like you usually wear it like that and it just came undone. I'm pretty sure you don't even like it like that. No one wears their hair behind their ear unless they're Rachel Berry, or they're hunched over a book cramming for a test, or they're seven. I pull it loose and fix it so it looks almost like it did before I decided to mess with it. You giggle and crap; I realize how nervous I am.

It takes me a couple more minutes before I know how to start talking. You don't say anything. You look at me so I know you're paying attention but you wait patiently for me to be ready. It's funny; you can't wait even ten minutes for an elevator without getting so impatient you almost fall over but you can wait a year for me without so much as a second thought.

"I know we've talked… and stuff, but I've never said I'm sorry." I start. You've said you're sorry a million times and it doesn't make sense to me because I still don't think you have anything to apologize for. It's still all my fault and you deserve to hear that _I'm_ sorry. You open your mouth and I know you're going to try to interrupt before I can tell you but I won't let you.

"Everything you've had to see, and say, and do, and…be this past year. I'm really sorry, Brittany." I say and shake my head at having to again think about putting you through all that. I still can't believe you didn't leave me. You keep telling me not to think like that but it's hard. I would have left me.

"I'm not." You coo. We're already close but you take a step closer anyways and you tilt my head up again. I hadn't noticed it was hanging but it's still hard to meet you eyes. It's always hard to look you in the eye when you're being sweet and I know you're about to be sweet.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. More like a million things to be proud of. Santana, you're... extraordinary. Beautiful. Remarkable. Spectacular. Outstanding. Special-"

"Okay, I get it." I interrupt and smack your arm to make you shut up. Then I wonder why because even if you were being kind of corny about it; those things were nice to hear.

"You really think so?" I ask insecurely.

"I _really _do." You say certainly, yet like it's the easiest thing. You brush away some hairs from where the wind stuck them to my bottom lip and I know one of those sweet lady kisses is about to happen. I prop myself up on my toes, and tilt my head up, but I wait for you to kiss me. You lean in, but you tease and your nose brushes against my top lip. I feel you smile and then your lips close around mine. You wrap your arms around me and our faces practically smash together. Your smile again but you're so quick to kiss instead and not break us apart. Your lips fit with mine, Brittany. We just… fit.

A wind picks up and our hair starts flying everywhere. Dark and light hair sticks to our cheeks and our lips. I get your hair in my eye and you get mine in your nose and you giggle into me before pulling away. As soon as we're not kissing anymore the wind stills and you mumble something about _oh sure, now it stops._ I go to kiss you again but before I get a chance you take my hand and you lead me back to edge and cram us in between two ladies looking out over East River. It's pretty tight so you have to stand behind me but I don't mind because your arms slither around my waist and you hug me tight.

"I have something for you." You murmur and hand me a crinkled paper. You can't see me furrow my eyebrows in confusion but I do because I don't understand.

"Throw it." You instruct me excitedly.

"What is it?" I question and if you couldn't magically tell I was confused by sensing my eyebrows before you definitely hear it in my voice now. You usually never have a hard time saying anything but now your lips slide back and forth over my cheek a couple of times in a moment of silence.

"Remember when we talked, like really talked, about _it_ and you told me your two rules?" You explain quietly and as I hear the words my shaky fingers unfold the paper and there they are. In my hands. In written form. My rules.

_ - Don't get fat._

_ - Don't let anyone know._

I stare at them for a few more moments. Oh god, where did that lump in my throat come from? I trace my index finger over your delicate hand writing. They don't even look horrible in the soft curves shaping the letters.

"You want me to throw away my rules?" I ask weakly and you nod.

"Yes. It's like sending_ it_ flying and… setting yourself free." You're hesitant but hopeful.

"Brittany…" I breathe. Hopeful is good. I just don't want you to be too hopeful. I don't want to let you believe it's over when it may never be completely over. You nuzzle closer. You always do that. When I think we couldn't possibly be any more pressed against each other; you come closer anyway.

"Look, I know it's just a silly piece of paper and it doesn't really mean anything but you've come so far and it's symbolism and… I dunno…" You say and shrug. "For me?"

"For you." I repeat to myself. Just because. I love the sound of that. For you. "Anything."

You hear it and your hand searches for my free one until our fingers are interlocked and almost desperately clinging to each other. I lean forward and stretch out my arm through the fence thingy, waiting for a wind to come and grab the note before I let go.

"No, you have to ball it up." You protest. "Crush it good." You say in a fake deep and dramatic voice. It sounds really funny and I almost drop the paper from forgetting I'm even holding it while I laugh. But I bring it back in and ball my fist around it. You were right; symbolism feels kind of good. I even smack it against the stone wall twice before bringing it back out to dangle in the air.

I twist my body slightly and turn my head so I can see your face. Your lips are barely smiling but your eyes are sparkling. You knew it. Through all the ups and downs you knew we'd be here all along, didn't you?

"Together?" I whisper quietly without taking my eyes off your blue ones. I feel your index and middle finger take a walk from my elbow and all the way out to the back of my hand where you wrap yours around it.

"Together." You say matter of factly and then our gaze breaks to watch the paper ball meet its impending death. It would have probable flipped and tossed in the wind a lot more if I hadn't balled it up, but now it doesn't take long before I lose sight of it. It doesn't matter. Why would I want to watch it anyways when I can just turn around and look at the prettiest girl in the whole world?

"What?" You ask sheepishly with a little hint of red spreading in your cheeks. It's incredible that you still get shy whenever I look at you like this. I shake my head like it's nothing and swing our interlocked hands between us as we make our way inside again.

"I love you." I say finally. And I do mean _finally_. You freeze and your eyes go wide but it only lasts a second before you break out in the goofiest, loopiest, cutest, happiest smile I've ever seen cross your lips.

"Say it again." You exclaim eagerly and overly excited.

"I love you." I chuckle and barely finish the words before your arms are wrapped around me and you're lifting me off the ground and spinning me around in the air. I squeal at how it makes my tummy tingle and you laugh your purest, most adorable laugh. I'm kind of dizzy when you stop so I think it's a good thing that you don't let me down right away. Instead you hold me there. Tummy against tummy, chest against chest, nose against nose. You didn't ask me to say it a third time but what the hell; I can do whatever I want to.

"I love you, Brittany."

"I love you too."


End file.
